I've royally screwed this haven't i..

[lilaclilypod]

Been seeing a guy for the best part of a year now. It was casual, both agreed we weren't looking for anything serious. I have 2 kids and not really keen to introduce them to anyone.

Last night he completely blindsided me and told me he wants more and that he's fallen for me. It was totally unexpected and I just laughed in his face and told him I have no interest in a future with him. I was brutal!

But actually, I feel the same. I've just locked my feelings away and kept up the act so well I've actually convinced myself, I just don't care. I've tried to call, no answer. I've text and apologised and asked if we can talk, no answer. Not surprising really, I was a complete cow.

After a day of reflection I'm just scared, scared of my children being hurt. My marriage with their dad failed because their dad struggled with our eldest (now diagnosed with autism). He an absolutely wonderful, charming, beautiful boy but he's rigidity, routines and meltdowns can be tiresome. I had a gentle parenting approach and he was a do as I say or else kind of parent, I got tired of the tension in the house and wanted my son to have a home where he was accepted for who he is, on his worst days and the best. But if his own dad can't love him how can a complete stranger?

No idea of the point of this, just needed to splurge!
He isn't responding to me so I can't do anything about it, and if he did, would I even want to pursue anything more than a casual fling, it's not fair to my sons to introduce them to someone who could well just up and leave when things get tough.

Check if it's been delivered on WhatsApp in case he's blocked you. Or if it's delivered and not read then it might be archived.

Think you need to know he's at lease read it, it's the least he deserves.

If he's read and not replied fair enough but if he's not read I'd try an alternative. Even a letter if you don't want to turn up

I'd write a letter!

I don’t see how it screams stalker if you go once and attempt to talk with him.
that’s ridiculous. If anything modern technology encourages behaviour with stalking elements to it with all this blocking and blue ticks nonsense and the resultant hysteria

imo in this situation it’s far more adult to try and explain in person once than send a text.

It's not stalkerish to turn up at his door. If you care about him you need to show and tell him.

It's stalkerish to turn up at his door if he's ignoring messages and calls and making it clear he doesn't want to talk.

It's completely inappropriate to turn up at his door when he's made it very clear he doesn't want to have contact with her.

It’s not the behaviour of a stalker though to go once and try to clear things up. If that person isn’t interested in hearing then of course you have to respect those boundaries and leave but after a year of seeing each other i don’t think it’s completely inappropriate.

@Whiskeypowers

If that person isn’t interested in hearing then of course you have to respect those boundaries

He left her home after she said it and now isn't responding to her at all.

He's made his boundaries very clear and knows how to contact her if he changes his mind.

I personally think showing up at his home unannounced and uninvited is making this situation more dramatic than it needs to be, rather than being likely to smooth things over.

I think OP gets this and is doing the best thing now:

I would not be impressed if someone i was ignoring knocked on my door! I sent him a text last night explaining my reaction, at the least I want him to know the problem is completely with me, not him.

The ball is in his court and that should be respected.

Exactly.

Dropping in is rude at any time but particularly under these circumstances.

Write a letter if you must but after spurning and humiliating him, I wouldn't expect much of a response.

When a man is really keen, not much puts them off. He'll be back.

If a man is looking for a healthy relationship, it's likely that this would actually put him off, so if he comes back, he's unlikely to be in a position to have a healthy relationship.

In his position I’d accept your explanation and apology, I think.

I’d also do some serious thinking about your son and what sort of relationship I could offer him.

Your behaviour was boorish but your fears are not unfounded. You’re putting your child first, rightly. I’d respect and comprehend that.

I can see why OP would feel worried or anxious, but laughing in his face? Telling him she couldn't see a future with him? Brutal?

If this was the other way round, MN would be up in arms with LTB.

Your first gut reaction is likely to be the one you really feel.

It seems like this later regret is actually just that you don’t want him to leave you, so you’re saying you feel the same.

I'd have sent an email rather than a message but one communication telling him everything you said in your OP is the only thing you can do. (Don't turn up to his house.) The ball is in his court now. He may choose not to return it, and that would be reasonable in the circumstances. But give him time to process it before losing hope completely.

I would too. Apologise for hurting him, tell him how YOU feel and also how your fears around your boys and any potential father figure motivate your reticence. Be absolutely honest.

I think anyone with deep and sincere feelings would be able to get past this, if you are totally truthful now.

Write a heartfelt letter & post it through his door & then leave it up to him.
If he doesn't rely - respect that & move on

Despite the divide in opinion I still don't think showing up at his door is an appropriate thing to do!

He read the message and didn't reply so assumed that was that. However, he did text this evening and say it would be good to talk, giving absolutely no indication of what he's thinking right now, guess I deserve to sweat a little though.

I can already feel myself getting worked up into a panic. He's a good guy and I don't doubt his intentions but think it's becoming clear I'm just not ready for this. I don't want to mess him around blowing hot and cold, he deserves better than that.

Some comments said my reaction was how I must really feel but I don't agree. I do care and would like more but I think my reaction proves that I'm not emotionally ready for that yet.

I don't want to mess him around blowing hot and cold, he deserves better than that.

All you can do is be honest.

As honest as you were with us. You've said what you need to say to a bunch of internet strangers, now you have to say it to him.

He may still decide it's too much hard work, plenty on here would run a mile from a potential partner still working through issues. Or he might not.

Think of it less as a test to pass. It's not about saying whatever the right words are to win him back, that's another form of pretending. It's just being honest with both him and yourself.

It was not the best reaction but you’ve reflected, apologised and explained something of how you feel. I’m not surprised he wants to have a talk. I’d be as honest as you can be and give him time to think things over.

Hope it works out for you

Thanks for the update, OP. I was wondering how you were getting on. Good luck for your talk.

I think he deserves better. A person who cared about another person's feelings wouldn't treat someone that way.

Hope it goes ok.

Try and take some time to figure out what you ideally want before you speak to him. You might not get it but knowing what it is would be helpful!

Maybe you could think about making whinge more official but Doing it slowly to help you. You clearly do have feelings for him and I do believe that if you've allowed yourself to develop feelings for him it's partly because you believe he'd be good around your children. It's just taking some getting used to the idea that you could be a family unit at some point rather than mum when you're with the children and you when you're with him.

Is he aware of the challenges your son faces? Have you spoken to him about that and your fears around it? If not then I think that's where you need to start.

Maybe it would help you to reframe things a bit - what if this man isn't your ex? What if he can bring a lot of love and stability to your kids? What if he can understand and support your ds with ASD? What if your ds is missing out on having another person in his corner because of your fears? Nothing in life is risk free - but sometimes you've just got to trust your instincts, take things slowly and see how they go.