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Original poster

Why do mature supposedly smart men do this?

55 replies

Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 17:20

I am trying to decide whether to get back with my ex (separated for 2 years). We have no children, both early 30s, and were together for 7 years.

For the record, I perceive myself to be a smart, liberal, hard working type of woman. I have built a solid life and career for myself, have a great group of friends, work out, and generally just really enjoy life. I don't feel like I need a man to complete me, but I did/do love my ex. I would say my ex is very similar to me in the characteristics I have just described.

In the time we have been apart, he has been playing the field a bit. I guess making up for lost time, as we met in our early 20s and were pretty serious from day one.

In the last 2 years, he has had 1 official girlfriend of 5 months. That relationship ended with him leaving her because he didn't feel he loved her, multiple one night stands and situationships, and a casual fling of 1 year. The casual fling was more fuck buddy than relationship, but surprisingly they used no contraception whatsoever once they became comfortable a few months into the fling. When I say no contraception, I mean no contraception. No protection against STDs and no birth control. They relied on the pull out method.

I ended the relationship, so he is well within his rights to do what he did with dating, but I am really questioning who he is right now. I cannot understand why he would do this, and the fact he took such a risk with his fling is really making me question whether to go back into the relationship. Why do supposedly smart men take such risks?

OP posts:
TobyEsterhase · 04/09/2022 17:27

Have you actually split from him psychologically?

You seem very invested in what he has been up to.

nutellachurro · 04/09/2022 17:31

Many people (stupidly) use the pull out method

Why do you care though? As long as you both get tested before jumping back into anything it has no bearing on you

Wildflowerbeauty · 04/09/2022 17:32

Why did you both split 2 yrs ago? Has he said he wants you back ? What was your relationship like before?

Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 17:33

TobyEsterhase · 04/09/2022 17:27

Have you actually split from him psychologically?

You seem very invested in what he has been up to.

I have not, which is why I am considering going back to him.

OP posts:
Cosycover · 04/09/2022 17:34

How do you even know that? Do you discuss your sex lives with each other?

Do you want him back?

catfunk · 04/09/2022 17:35

It sounds like the 'fuck buddy' of a year was more serious than he's letting on.
Are you sure they're over?

Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 17:35

nutellachurro · 04/09/2022 17:31

Many people (stupidly) use the pull out method

Why do you care though? As long as you both get tested before jumping back into anything it has no bearing on you

I have heard people do use it, but normally in stable long term relationships, not casual flings.

The fling only ended last month, so I am just wondering whether it's too soon for us to get back together.

OP posts:
AussieMozzieMagnet · 04/09/2022 17:37

Being much older, I can say it’s best to keep moving forward and don’t look back.

Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 17:39

Wildflowerbeauty · 04/09/2022 17:32

Why did you both split 2 yrs ago? Has he said he wants you back ? What was your relationship like before?

We split because I moved cities, we live in a country where to get from one end to the next can take 10 hours. We initially tried to make it work, but after 2 years of distance it became a bit too much for me so I ended the relationship. He wanted to continue, but I found the distance really rough.

We had a great relationship experiencing so much together. We really did grow together and loved each other dearly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 17:46

Cosycover · 04/09/2022 17:34

How do you even know that? Do you discuss your sex lives with each other?

Do you want him back?

Yes, I would like him back. He also wants the same, we are just trying to figure out how to make it work. I always loved him and it broke my heart when I left him, but I saw no other alternative.

OP posts:
TheLighthouse23 · 04/09/2022 17:49

Do you mean relying on the pull out method?

I honestly think they are almost under a spell by the time sex in on the cards. I could convince my husband into anything if I asked at the right moment.
Withdrawal is incredibly risky. I, like most women, get pregnant every time I have unprotected sex.

Like you said, they are smart men doing something out of character. And so many of them aswell. My sister has tricked men into pregnancy FOUR times! Luckily only 1 successful pregnancy.
My mother did it twice (with the same man - idiot)

2bazookas · 04/09/2022 17:51

The question you should be asking is:

why would a supposedly smart woman accept all those risks in order to rehash a failed relationship with a man when she's "really questioning who he is right now."

Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 17:55

TheLighthouse23 · 04/09/2022 17:49

Do you mean relying on the pull out method?

I honestly think they are almost under a spell by the time sex in on the cards. I could convince my husband into anything if I asked at the right moment.
Withdrawal is incredibly risky. I, like most women, get pregnant every time I have unprotected sex.

Like you said, they are smart men doing something out of character. And so many of them aswell. My sister has tricked men into pregnancy FOUR times! Luckily only 1 successful pregnancy.
My mother did it twice (with the same man - idiot)

Yes, they were relying on the pullout method.

I think you could be right about the spell thing, it just seems insane that someone would take that risk with a fling.

OP posts:
TheLighthouse23 · 04/09/2022 17:55

nutellachurro · 04/09/2022 17:31

Many people (stupidly) use the pull out method

Why do you care though? As long as you both get tested before jumping back into anything it has no bearing on you

Grown adults? That's insane! They won't be doing it for long! 3 months max before they are all pregnant

Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 17:56

2bazookas · 04/09/2022 17:51

The question you should be asking is:

why would a supposedly smart woman accept all those risks in order to rehash a failed relationship with a man when she's "really questioning who he is right now."

That really is the question.

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 04/09/2022 17:58

Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 17:39

We split because I moved cities, we live in a country where to get from one end to the next can take 10 hours. We initially tried to make it work, but after 2 years of distance it became a bit too much for me so I ended the relationship. He wanted to continue, but I found the distance really rough.

We had a great relationship experiencing so much together. We really did grow together and loved each other dearly.

Show quote history

Bluntly, I don’t think you were that serious about each other if you willingly would be that far apart in your late 20s. If you weren’t committed after 5 years then it’s unlikely to happen second time round.

TheLighthouse23 · 04/09/2022 18:04

Having read the rest of your responses I can't help thinking you seem really quite emotionallu attached, and he seems like a nice man who had made you happy in the past. Hes not an "ex for a reason" you split over practicalities.
You don't sound like you want to risk him being the one who got away
Would your lives slot into place again easily?
Is there any other reason that puts you off getting back together?
And hes being honest about the breakup with the fling?
Its a long time to throw away if you're not sure.
You come across mature and sensible, so you'll make the best decision for you. Good luck

Wildflowerbeauty · 04/09/2022 18:08

Sounds like you both are a good match , make sure none of his exs are pregnant to him as it may change your mind .

Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 18:12

YaWeeFurryBastard · 04/09/2022 17:58

Bluntly, I don’t think you were that serious about each other if you willingly would be that far apart in your late 20s. If you weren’t committed after 5 years then it’s unlikely to happen second time round.

Show quote history

It wasn't willingly. My company moved me to the new city and he was in his final years of medical training and was attached to a hospital so couldn't move. We made a point to not go longer than 3 months without seeing each other during that period.

OP posts:
Zuyi · 04/09/2022 18:13

Nah. If you were really into each other, one of you would have moved even if it was inconvenient. You wouldn't even have considered breaking up let alone all these ridiculous sexual antics why is he even sharing all this with you? I agree with the previous poster who said keep moving forward

SunnyD44 · 04/09/2022 18:13

How do you know so much about his relationships and his sex life?

This is a massive red flag.

Stop all of the contact and find someone else.

Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 18:22

TheLighthouse23 · 04/09/2022 18:04

Having read the rest of your responses I can't help thinking you seem really quite emotionallu attached, and he seems like a nice man who had made you happy in the past. Hes not an "ex for a reason" you split over practicalities.
You don't sound like you want to risk him being the one who got away
Would your lives slot into place again easily?
Is there any other reason that puts you off getting back together?
And hes being honest about the breakup with the fling?
Its a long time to throw away if you're not sure.
You come across mature and sensible, so you'll make the best decision for you. Good luck

Yes, the split was very much due to practicalities. We were both tied to those cities and could not move at that time, so were forced to do distance. But distance is hard, and I struggled so much with it I couldn't keep it going any longer.

Our lives would slot into place quite easily as I have quit my job so not tied to any location. We have the same mutual friends, our families have all met each other in the past, we still have a connection.

I guess I would be the one making a sacrifice as I would move to his city and would need to find a job, but otherwise, I have friends there, we have a home, so it would be easy. The casual fling puts me off as I can't help but question if he is being truthful over the nature of that relationship as it seems insane to me that you would take that level of risk with someone you are not committed too. They only split last month when I started to communicate to him that I may be willing to rekindle the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 18:25

SunnyD44 · 04/09/2022 18:13

How do you know so much about his relationships and his sex life?

This is a massive red flag.

Stop all of the contact and find someone else.

Most of what I know has come from mutual friends.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 04/09/2022 18:27

Why on earth has he told you all of this? It sounds like a power trip and he doesn’t sound very smart at all.

Summerfun54321 · 04/09/2022 18:29

Monroewasabombshell · 04/09/2022 18:25

Most of what I know has come from mutual friends.

Show quote history

It’s just gross to have this level of gossip circulating about someone’s sex life.