Anyone else get pissy and take it out on others?

[DragonsAndMoons]

I get pissed off/stressy and I don't like it.

If I'm in a bad mood I'm irritable with my dc and snappy. If I'm anxious about something it's worse. I do apologise, usually if I'm pissy I tell my dc (older teens) to leave me alone until I've worked out my mood. I was also like this with exh and was far worse as a teenager/young adult with my parents. I am diagnosed with ADD.

I don't think it's normal though, why should my dc be on eggshells because I'm grumpy. I meditate, do yoga, try to be mindful, have had so much therapy, work on regulating my emotions but I still do it. I know why I do it, my dm did it (although we were actually scared of her and my dc are definitely not scared of me so it's not as bad).

Anyone else? I don't want to be a massive dick just because I'm in a piss.

Bump

Yoi don't seem to be asking for advice, just if anyone elsedoes it. Do, no, I don't do this.

Irs emotional abuse.

I'm sure therapy gave you strategies to regulate your emotions or how to manage yourself until you can.

You can't help your feelings. You can help your behaviours. This will utterly miserable for your children and cause them long term emotional harm.

I think most people can get in a mood and take it out on others, be a bit snippy and have less patience etc.

It’s good your working through it.

I do. All the time! I need a lot of alone time and never get it because of family demands. Even if I shut myself in my bedroom, people are constantly banging on the door. Even if I lock myself in the bathroom. If it's not normal, and if there are people dealing with all this stuff and staying serene, then they are heroes but surely a bit inhuman? I mean, how is it possible?

Me and I’m trying so so hard to change.

minor inconveniences stress me out and make me snappy. I spent some time with my Dad recently and realised this is what he does. So I know it’s learned behaviour. I’m trying to be better but it makes me sad.

Yes my mother does this to me, about once or twice a year, has all her life and has lost friends because of it although she’d always say and believe it was them not her. I’ve decided later this week when the kids are out of the way that I’ll be warning her if she ever does it agin I’ll be cutting off contact. And I mean it, each time it happens I like her less and it doesn’t come back so over time I care less and less about her.

it’s emotional abuse, and shows you don’t give a shit about the people you are taking it out on. And it’s an excuse to say that it’s because you’re stressed or anxious, that’s basically you saying you’ll do it again when you feel that way again. And you will.

It's an awful to do but you can't use your mum as an excuse. My mum did it which is why I wouldn't do it to someone else because I know how horrible it feels.

Have a look at the Crappy Fairy website. She does something called the daily practice which might help you to work through your resentments so you don't get overwhelmed. You also need to learn about how to manage your feelings so you don't get dysregulated.

What kind of therapy have you had, because it doesn't sound like you've either had the right therapy or the right therapist!

Is it PMT, do you take antidepressants? they would 100% help.

I don't know the answer to 'how do I not do this?'. I guess it's a good thing that you recognise the problem. I have a colleague who's also a friend, and she does this all the time. We walk on eggshells around her waiting for the next round of her biting people's heads off, snapping and sneering behaviour. She does has a lot in her life to be stressed about, she more--or-less recognises how she's behaving - but she keeps on doing it.

Everyone gets stressed / anxious / etc. Not everyone is a dick about it to other people. What do other people do rather than being a dick? I'm not generally. The two guiding principles I try to apply at all times at work and at home (not just when stressed) are:

'treat others as I would want to be treated'
and ask 'how is this actually helping?' beyond the initial, indulgent, satisfaction of making someone else feel like crap because you do.

You don’t need Mumsnet, you need a professional to suggest some strategies for how to calm down / redirect your anger. Like maybe some cognitive behavioural therapy could help.

Taking it out on kids is just bullying 😔 it’s good you’re trying to find a solution.

And to answer your question yes lots of people do this and until someone does some ‘work’ on their personality to stop it, it just gets passed down and down generations. I actually think that’s what the bible meant when it said the sins of the parents are passed to the children for 7 generations. (Not religious just like that quote).

I don't. It's for me to work through and shouldn't impact on my family, friends or colleagues.
I have occasionally told my family that I am feeling stressed or anxious and asked for their patience and consideration as I go about our family business, but definitely never make them feel responsible, blamed or worried that I'll 'snap' at them:
"Hey DC, I've got a lot on over the next couple of days and a big presentation to prepare for at work. I'm worried about fitting everything in and I just need to ask you to bear with me -we'll get through it but by bit and everything will be back to normal by Wednesday."

If you find the magic answer let me know and I will let my H know- he's exactly like this and takes it out on me

Well done for recognising it and well done for vocalising it when you are feeling pissy.
However I think it's really really shitty behaviour. I didn't ever get that pissy feeling until I hit peri menopause and menopause and was quite amazed how I suddenly found myself getting pissy and feeling agitated. I remember feeling angry over something that I was doing. It was out so out of character for me. I didn't ever take it out on anyone else though. It's completely gone now I'm on HRT.
You really have to stop taking it out on your kids. They won't forget and it will effect your relationship with them forever.

My husband very occasional did it and my adult kids have a lot of contempt for him. Superficial they have a good relationship but they think he is a bit or an arse and quietly have no respect for him.

My mum is like this and it's really caused issues tbh, the resentment is real from my side because I couldn't understand how she could be so awful to me for doing nothing wrong just for her being in an awful mood.

Do you really want your children to remember you like thay

I think people must mean different things by "snappy". Shouting, "I'm too tired, I can't listen to you!" isn't emotional abuse. It's not the same as making mean personal comments. But it is snappy. Also, I think it does make a difference if you apologise.

So what do other people who are frustrated and in a bad mood do? Just act like you're happy? I don't understand how your negative emotions magically don't show up in your facial expressions, tone of voice, levels of patience, that seems normal to me...

"Snappy", to me, would be me being highly stressed about something and then DP coming to ask me what I'm cooking for dinner, and me replying "why don't you cook for once, huh?" which I don't think it particularly abusive.

My dc aren't on eggshells on a regular basis, they 100% are not scared of me and they are older teens who like spending time with me. We have a lot of fun.

@Teand that's my kind of snappy.

I get stressy when doing things like Christmas shopping with dc and then exh in tow but fine on my own. It's like my brain can't function with everyone asking things of me in a busy environment.

Sometimes I might get snappy if we're lost and running late. It doesn't last, I'm not mean, personal or abusive. Just irritated and snappy.

I'd love to be more laid back.

It's like my brain can't function with everyone asking things of me in a busy environment.

This is me. I cannot function properly in a busy environment! Too much going on, too much noise, too much processing trying to happen in my brain, struggling to focus on anything. I don't understand how anyone can be calm and happy in those circumstances. It's why I couldn't ever have a big family - it would quite literally drive me insane I think.

I tend to describe it as my my mind is "too loud" because that what it feels like, it's almost physically painful. In the back of my mind I get the urge to slam my head into a wall because I just want it to be quiet so I can organise my thoughts and feelings without more stuff coming at me.

I really don't know how to manage it. I've had therapy for emotional regulation and mindfulness and the like, it doesn't seem to help much.

Keep it away from the children.

I can be extremely anxious or worrried about something but, when my children speak to me, I respond to them as I'd like to be responded to.

If its really bad, I say, "Sweetheart, I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. I want to listen to what you've got to say but I'm not able to process it at the moment. Give me X amount of time and you can have my full attention."

My children are 23 and 16 now. I've been a single parent for 10 years. There has been an awful lot of stress in that time from various angles and I've never snapped at either of them because I've been stressed or in a bad mood.

If that's how your brain works, then you won't really be able to change that.

That's when I'd tell mine that my head is "too loud" and that I can't process things properly. They understand if it is/becomes a normal way of communicating and its far better for them than being snapped at or whatever.

So how do you serene types respond when one child is trying to strangle the other, or destroy each other's toys, or smear something disgusting on a library book? Or they're all screaming like banshees and they can't hear you say, "darlings, I'd love a moment of calm'? I mean, seriously. Short of witchcraft and magically transforming them into calm and well behaved strangers, how do you avoid being snappy?

I'm good at telling my teens I'm in a bad mood, it's not personal and to give me some space. I then put my music on loud and tidy up/cook tea/dance around my living room and get my head out my arse.

I don't think MN over the years has helped me as I used to get super anxious and snappy when my dc were younger as I was so worried about being judged! I don't care half as much about that anymore.

@Zuyi I used to always be out with my dc when they were smaller and they had an early bedtime. I was much better at not being snappy when I had space in the evening from the relentlessness of two small dc 18 months apart!

@Teand I 100% relate to the want to head slam!

Not sure that being ‘snappy’ as the OP describes can be counted as emotional abuse, don’t think there is a person on the planet who dosen’t get stressed and snap once in a while at their partner or kids!

That's not normal at all, you don't have to be happy but you don't project your shitty mood on other people.