Anyone else get pissy and take it out on others?

[DragonsAndMoons]

I get pissed off/stressy and I don't like it.

If I'm in a bad mood I'm irritable with my dc and snappy. If I'm anxious about something it's worse. I do apologise, usually if I'm pissy I tell my dc (older teens) to leave me alone until I've worked out my mood. I was also like this with exh and was far worse as a teenager/young adult with my parents. I am diagnosed with ADD.

I don't think it's normal though, why should my dc be on eggshells because I'm grumpy. I meditate, do yoga, try to be mindful, have had so much therapy, work on regulating my emotions but I still do it. I know why I do it, my dm did it (although we were actually scared of her and my dc are definitely not scared of me so it's not as bad).

Anyone else? I don't want to be a massive dick just because I'm in a piss.

Indeed. You need to fight the self indulgence and lack of discipline that allows this. It’s become a habit, but habits can be broken. Seek professional mental health help if you don’t know where to begin. Google is your friend, too.

I am not minimising how difficult it is to get out of bad habits, I have had to do it myself. I suffered anger management problems as a young woman (trauma, etc). I overcame it by reading psychology books and a lot of Googling.

The first step was to practice being quiet, silence is golden if you have nothing good to say.

Second was to warn loved ones around me that I was not feeling good I needed to be quiet for a time. This is also wonderful modelling for your children.

Third, practice walking away. Go and sit down somewhere else, go for a walk, or go and lie down if your feelings are very overwhelming that day.

Most importantly, deeply contemplate and appreciate the feelings of others, to acknowledge their feelings are just as important your own, or even more so if they’re going through an especially bad time for example, they don’t need you making it worse.

Learn to truly cherish your loved ones, by eliminating unnecessary and petty damage to them. This is the most basic part of respect.

The crucial turn around point for me was to imagine how others saw me when I was in that mood… did I want to be seen as out of control? Did I want to be seen as immature? Did I want to be seen as a bit savage and barbaric?
And most importantly, did I want others to loose respect for me? Because that is exactly what has happened.

I had to work very hard to discard that reputation, but I’ve successfully done so, you can too if you want it bad enough. And when you do this, do you know what happens? You will then also finally be respecting yourself, by allowing yourself not to become mean and nasty to your nearest and dearest.

You do this because it seems to bring you some short term relief, but you are not noticing the long term consequences to your character, reputation, and the well-being of your family. There are other ways of behaving that work very well and don’t have negative side effects.

It’s a serious problem, approach it as such. Good luck. You can do it!

Yes, this is absolutely possible and normal. Not everyone struggles with irritability. I’m sorry you are living with this problem, too, and that it has become normalised to such an extent. A different world does exist.

It is easy enough to tell someone it’s not a good time for you as it is to be “pissy”. It’s a choice, and the choice is yours.

Minimising this is exactly why people keep doing it and think it’s not a big deal. It’s abusive and it’s not on.

Give yourself a break, OP. Are you always so hard on yourself?

You’ve described a completely normal woman, with a good job, a good relationship with her kids, and totally normal human responses to stress.

You meditate and have therapy, so you are working on your issues, and you say yourself that you’ve improved over the years.

Are you a perfectionist in every area, or just when it comes to yourself?

Great post @UnusualJobForAWoman

There’s a lot of what used to be called “temper” in our family. I do truly believe some people find it harder than others to control it. With my angrier parent for example I can see that they sort of get irritated and go down a “tunnel” of getting more and more angry like their brain can’t cope with it. Then it bursts out in slamming doors, shouting etc.

Determined not to be like that myself (despite sharing that sort of feeling at times) I try to remember to have perspective (“how much does this really matter?”) to think about other people (“is this actually their fault or are they just getting caught in the crossfire?”) and to trying to realise when I’m the one who’s becoming the problem (“we’re all stuck in traffic and I’m just making it more horrible for everyone by being a dick”). Making an active choice not to let your feelings become other people’s problem basically.

And if you can’t fully control it, properly make sure they know it’s not their fault (“I’m so sorry, I’m just in a bit of a bad mood because X horrible thing happened, it’s nothing to do with you I promise. I’m just going to go and shut myself away for a bit and read a book/look out the window.) And apologising. The true dickhead never apologises.

@UnusualJobForAWoman your post is spot on and helpful. Thank you. I can do the first 3 most of the time.

What you said about other people's feelings being as important or sometimes more important is what I needed to hear. I'm not excusing any of my behaviour but I did grow up with significant childhood trauma and I do wonder if that has made me self centred. I need to get my needs met and I don't think about anyone else in that moment. Also even counselling is pretty self indulgent. It's been hammered into me that my needs matter and are important that I've gone the other way in recent years and became more selfish in meeting my needs and cross when they're not.

My exh said that I was immature and got into princess moods. I don't want to be like that.

The other thing I’m not sure anyone has said is - when you’re calm, think about how you could try and resolve sources of conflict that keep coming g up. Maybe for example if you always get annoyed around making dinner you could get your kids if older you cook a night each. If something in your life is genuinely annoying/unfair - don’t wait for the rage to try and sort it out. Try to talk about it calmly so it doesn’t come up again.

You have a lot of self insight and because of that you will go far. I believe you’ll succeed if you truly do not want to be like that.

I am all for getting your needs met, by all means! Women in heterosexual traditional marriages often do need to think more of themselves as otherwise no well else will… but, there is more than one way to skin a cat, and I think you’ve already found your way is problematic.

My reassurance to you is that you will get there. Sometimes it may be slower going to alter your ways than others - in those times, if you’ve slipped up, know that change takes time and effort and be patient with yourself. Never feel disheartened or dissuaded from persevering. The end goal is so worth it.

Imagine what it is like to have all hell breaking loose around you, and you are able to keep calm and level headed in that situation. You are then using your mind to come up with solutions, rather than blindly reacting to your emotions with knee jerk learnt unhelpful responses.
You will become wiser and make better choices, and people will notice and respect you. You might even become the one people turn to in those situations for reassurance and guidance.

I cannot describe to you the enormous satisfaction of arriving at that place, knowing how far you’ve come. The boost to self esteem and confidence will be incalculable.

My anger management problems were rooted in a feeling of powerlessness, a relic that was no longer suited to my adult situation.

There is no more a powerful feeling than being in complete control of yourself, conducting yourself with dignity and with effective decision making, NOT reacting, and feeling proud of how you acted in the days following, knowing your loved ones are benefiting from your behaviour.

It’s a lovely place to be, you’ll like it. Get on that train to that destination today, it doesn’t matter if the train is just plodding along for now, it will get there.

I love your post @PetalParty. I don't think there was any need for PPs to stick the boot in, but uplifting and empathetic posts like this are brilliant.

I was bought up by my parents who never ever snapped at me or my brothers and sisters. They would tell us if they didn't like something we were doing but they would never snap and they definitely wouldn't snap because they were feeling agitated.

I would tell my kids off when they were little and I've shouted when they were really naughty as little kids but I honestly don't think I've ever snapped at them because I'm feeling shitty. It wouldn't cross my mind to do that. Why would I feel cross at them for no reason. Surely it would just make you feel a whole lot worse.
As I mentioned in my earlier post I have experienced irrational irritability when I was going through menopause but even then I didn't take it out on anyone else. I don't get how being mean and hurting other people helps in any way. I think it's a bit fucked up to be honest.

I find it more sinister when the person doing it is generally a switched-on kind person. That total loss of control may be momentary but it's still very real. If it came from some obviously nasty aggressive person it wouldn't be so surprising and probably wouldn't be a hurtful.

Im also wondering if the OP has actually asked her kids what they honestly think about her behaviour? I also wonder whether her kids behave like that to other people?

@PetalParty that's exactly what I want to do, make a decision not a reaction. I am far too reactive.

You are clearly strong and fearless if you are able to give a piece of your mind. 😛There is a place for that quality, you don’t need to bury it forever. I whip it out if I feel in danger or I’m being deliberately intimidated, it’s very useful, and it’s hard to learn for some women, you already have that natural skill. It simply needs to be used to your advantage, like any other tool. Think of life as a workshop, and the craftsman selects a tool appropriate for each creation.

What it really is, is conducting oneself in more subtle and sophisticated ways by using your intellect. By reasoning with people and persuading them, most people will respond if you appeal nicely to their empathy. Like any other muscle, the more you use this, the better you will get. It will be a slow start, everything always is, keep at it, and eventually you’ll see it all snowball!

I know it may sound a bit cool and calculating, but this is the antidote to a fiery and passionate mind, it will take the edge off a little, but you’ll never loose who you truly are… you just want to keep the good parts. And there ARE good parts to all of this.

Actually I'm the opposite @PetalParty I keep things in and then they come out in a bitchy way. I don't laugh things off, I get pissy and then ruminate on it. I'd like to be more upfront when someone says or does something that annoys me instead of being stroppy. With my dc I also let things go that are annoying me and then blow up. I'd like to be more on it in the beginning or just roll my eyes and not let it impact my mood.

I don't know why I get so irritable at things. I don't want to.

This! I tell my kids I need time, space whatever, and they ignore me! I thought before I had kids I could just calmly explain things to them and all would be ok, but it’s not like that. They just keep on with the pestering, fighting, whatever it is!

Wow, first response is 'its abuse'! How is being in a bad mood and needing some time to process things abuse?! Mothers are expected to take on board all their own shit, everyone else's shit and still be angelic 24/7.

I cannot take it if I'm in a bad mood about something and my kids/husband nag me or make loads of requests. I often say I need some time out or I'll blow!

This is really helpful?

Can you recommend any of the books or websites that helped you?

There was not meant to be a question mark there. That really was a helpful post.

I don't really know, tbh. I used to be very short with people when I was younger in a "Don't suffer fools gladly" kind of way and had a very quick temper. But i realised it was unpleasant both for me and people on the receiving end and just made a conscious effort to just not do it. Taking a deep breath can really help. Or 'triangular breathing' - taking a breath for the count of 3, holding it for a count of 3, releasing it over a count of 3 until you can feel your heart rate reduce.

I'm a teacher now. I can be absolutely furious with a child in my class and tell them off but never lose control or say something I'd have to apologise for, or take back, later. I could always justify anything and everything I have said and still speak to them respectfully. I wouldn't say anything I wouldn't be happy for their parent to overhear. At the same time, I can tell one child off and turn to another and appear completely calm, smiles, soft voice... inside my heart is pounding and I'm still angry but I'm completely in control.

Generally, I don't get into bad moods. If I need space, I take it. I don't sweat the small stuff, I pick my battles.

Being in a bad mood isn't abuse. Taking that bad mood put in others is.

There are many threads on here by women who describe husbands who come home from work stressed and take it out on them by snapping at them. They are rightly told its abusive. Its no less abusive when it's a child on the receiving end of their mother's bad mood.

Emotions are normal and a part of being human - even anger. But negative behaviour choices as a result of that are abusive and that is the word used when addressing anger management issues even in children. No one has the right to take their bad mood out in someone else.

Excellent post!

Op is your ADHD medicated? I say this as a fellow ADHDer and am surprised that no one has picked up on it from your original post. Emotional regulation is one of the many things that is more difficult for those ADHD or ADD. Maybe worth revisiting with your doctor if this is one of the areas you're particularly struggling with. I do, daily.

The posters making comments like "do you snap at your co-workers?" etc are obviously unaware of masking and the fact that the longer you mask, the more likely you are to explode in your "safe space". Not saying this is right, but missing out that the OP is diagnosed with ADD is a huge piece of the puzzle to neglect.

No it's not medicated. I was diagnosed when I was 13/14 but was in foster care and bounced around numerous placements. I have thought about it as an adult but I don't want the increased risk for my heart. When I was younger and did a lot of drug, cocaine and speed made me feel together and clear so I know it would work for me but I am worried about having an early heart attack and dying young @Hidingcro

Definitely worth speaking to your doctor then. There are medications that aren't stimulants available to try too.

Outstanding post from Unusual

I found that taking the emotion out of life made things easier for me. So the dishwasher has packed up, I don't need to get angry. The dishwasher was old and I knew it need replacing. My dd has left the cupboards open again, well she is forgetful. I can ask her nicely again, and one day we will get there. The immediate well of 'emotion' is a habit. The immediate need of reacting rather than thinking through your response carefully.

Someone crashed into me the other day. They were screaming at me because they were so frightened I imagine. I got out of the car and sat them down and asked them if I can call someone for them. They stopped shouting as soon as they could see I was concerned for them, and that I was not angry. Ten years ago I would have shouted back twice as loudly, as it was my car that was damaged by them and not the other way around.

For me gaining control of 'snappy' meant analysing more. Taking time to question whether an emotive response is helpful (it rarely is) or useful (it rarely is) Keep practicing, and make it fun. Okay so the takeaway has everything but your dinner and it is a 20 minute drive and you are exhausted. Try reacting or not reacting differently. You could blow up, or you could share the other dishes and add some stuff from the fridge.

For me, it was about getting a level of control over all of my responses, so I was able to choose what I felt was right. Snappy anger undermines trust op. Your teens will be cautious around you, unsure and uncertain about your mood swings. They will be worried to tell you things, anxious when you are in a bad mood and scared to upset you. This is not good for them, or their relationship with you.

My father was like you, I am NC with him because he can not control himself around me or my dc.

I'm definitely like this too. My DM was the same. I try my hardest not to take it out on her, which hasn't happened too often. I definitely took it out on my ex, but he was shitty to me and an arsehole so I felt like it he deserved it most of the time. lol

Have you looked up emotional dysregulation?

It's a big part of adhd. I also have this.

It's not emotional abuse, it's part of a neurodiverse condition. It can be worked on but first it's better to understand your and your triggers.

That said I am working on mine to not get so angry at other crap drivers when I am in the car. It gets me into a rage and I need to stop.

When I get home, I need to lie down in my bedroom to compress for up to half an hour. I like to be by myself until I come around. I get overwhelmed.

Have you tried anything like this?

Nt advice might not work with this as our brains are different.