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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex threatening to do something stupid (triggering)

61 replies

itchyearhole · 03/09/2022 23:47

Just had a message from ex telling me he's going to commit suicide, I've no idea where he is but I can't leave the house. We've been broken up about 2 months now and haven't been speaking as he's he's blocked in all means. Must have bought himself a new SIM card to message me as number unknown.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 03/09/2022 23:50

Block him again. If you've had to block him, it's with good reason and this is just another way of abusing you. Tell him that you will call the police, before you do so, and if you know his whereabouts, do it, and let them deal with his threats to kill himself.

PickAChew · 03/09/2022 23:51

Sorry, re-read and you don't know where he is.

Just block him. He knows this is a way to pull your strings.

Readaboutyourself · 03/09/2022 23:52

It’s likely just a method to control you.

To be on the safe side forward to a mutual friend or one his relatives and move on with your life.

onepieceoflollipop · 03/09/2022 23:53

You don’t have to do anything as you are his ex (and I imagine ex for a reason?)

if you do want to do ‘something’ you could consider one or more of the following:

pass his message on to a friend or family member (of his) if there is such a person?
alert his mental health team/Crisis Team if he is open to mental health services.
call 101 local police number with as much detail as you have - for example his name and usual address and explain you think he may be in a vulnerable position and possibly mentally fragile. They will decide if they conduct a welfare check.

you may want to consider blocking all unknown numbers - even temporarily - so he can’t reach you again.

onepieceoflollipop · 03/09/2022 23:55

Glad to see others have given similar advice.

also - look after yourself as this might have ‘rattled’ you a bit?
could you maybe call a friend, have a warm drink and try to distract yourself a bit.

MadeForThis · 03/09/2022 23:55

Contact the police and tell them his usual address. He is not your responsibility. But report and let the right people deal with him and give him help if he needs it.

Original poster
itchyearhole · 03/09/2022 23:56

He's threatened this before with others so think it's an attempt to control me but still think he's unstable. Just on the phone to 101 as he has no friends or family in the place we live.

OP posts:
Throwitthen · 03/09/2022 23:58

My EXH did this once. I rang the police and let his mum know. Police found him having a lovely night in with his new girlfriend. Felt awful for wasting police time but I felt I owed it to our children to cover myself. Selfish prick never did it again.

Original poster
itchyearhole · 04/09/2022 00:00

We don't share children and I have shielded my children from his behaviour. We were only together for a couple of years but in that time there was more drama than should be in a lifetime. I do feel responsible but have had to use the freedom programme and counselling to be free of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
itchyearhole · 04/09/2022 00:01

Throwitthen · 03/09/2022 23:58

My EXH did this once. I rang the police and let his mum know. Police found him having a lovely night in with his new girlfriend. Felt awful for wasting police time but I felt I owed it to our children to cover myself. Selfish prick never did it again.

Wow, there's special place for him

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 04/09/2022 00:06

@Throwitthen - shame they didn’t arrest him for wasting police time.

@itchyearhole well done on getting free of him.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 04/09/2022 00:09

He's trying to ruin your night. If he has form for drama then just completely ignore him.

Throwitthen · 04/09/2022 00:13

It was all about control. Took me a long time to realise and get free of it, especially as we have to communicate somewhat due to children. BUT divorcing him was the best thing I've ever done and he's someone else's problem now! Poor cow

Original poster
itchyearhole · 04/09/2022 00:19

He's just sent a pic of what he's taken - bloody hell, I don't need this

OP posts:
Thoughtful2355 · 04/09/2022 00:23

probably hasn't even done anything, some people just want the attention. If someone ACTUALLY wanted to die from suicide they wouldn't be telling people in case that person stopped it from happening they would just go and do it.

TwoWeeksislong · 04/09/2022 00:25

Do you know where is he now? Or do you know someone who would? Basically he’s going to need monitoring in hospital overnight if he’s taken an overdose of something. And possibly his stomach pumping or other interventions. You do not need to be the person dealing with him, you just need to pass the message on to someone better placed to do it. - 999 first if you know where he is, a close friend/family member if you have no idea where he is.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 04/09/2022 00:27

This is really hard. My friend was in a similar position recently and he did end up committing suicide. They shared a DS together. It was no more her responsibility than any of his friends but I would definitely try and find someone who can be in touch with him.

Yes 99% of these things might be threats or controlling behaviour (he was also very controlling) but not all. It's not your responsibility to sort this out but good to hand over responsibility to someone else. Does he just have one friend you can contact and tell?

Grumpusaurus · 04/09/2022 00:30

Meh, ignore and block! But then I can be a heartless wench. When I was much younger, an ex threatened to jump from his building. I casually asked if I could have his hoodies in that case. Of course, the dozy fecker never followed through. Oh, and it was a two storey building. It all part of the script and controlling behaviour, as you cut him off.

onepieceoflollipop · 04/09/2022 00:32

Is his number not showing if he is sending you SMS?
if it is, you can give this to the police and they can track him that way.

I would consider sending him one message back, advising that you are calling the police to support him and ask him to send the address of where he is within 10 minutes. I would call police now with whatever information I have and then block him after 10 minutes regardless of whether he responded with an address.

I would also forward his messages to his family so they can support him even if they are not local.

Grumpusaurus · 04/09/2022 00:33

Having an equally unfeeling cold-hearted entourage, my friends were tempted to rock up at his place to form a flash mob and shout "Jump! Jump", as well as singing loudly "Gordon is a moron..." as a homage to a true classic.

FlibbertyGiblets · 04/09/2022 00:34

Please block this latest attempt, picture or no picture. His choices are his, he can control what he does but he cannot control your reaction, much as he would like to. He is having a fine time yanking your chain tonight, let tonight be the last time he has opportunity to yank by changing your number, yes it is a pita advising all who need to know but you need to be uncontactable going forward.

Designerenvy · 04/09/2022 00:36

I would take the threat seriously until you know other wise. It could well be a cry for help. Contact the police and a family member, even if they are not close by , they may be able to contact him by phone even.
it’s not your responsibility to find him but I think you should let people or services know.

WhackingPhoenix · 04/09/2022 00:37

Don’t reply to him but please call the police and a member of his family so you can then remove yourself from the situation. I couldn’t just do nothing.

Original poster
itchyearhole · 04/09/2022 00:39

He's now blocked me and said goodbye - I really don't know where he is and he has no friends or family here. They live nearly 400 miles away. What a mess

OP posts:
Trethew · 04/09/2022 00:42

If he’s sent you a pic of what he’s taken it’s clearly an attempt to get you to respond. Do so, but indirectly. As others have said, contact his family or police. If he was bent on suicide, he wouldn’t have given you the opportunity to stop him.

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