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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner fancies my sister

96 replies

blueberry2105 · 02/09/2022 09:38

My sister is stunning she is 6yrs younger than me, tall slim and has bigger boobs than average as she had hormone issues in her teens. She's beautiful. My partner when we first got together as friends used to make remarks about her all the time then when we started dating I couldn't get them out of my head. He even said a few times I looked like her face. I am short with 34B boobs. My sister wears make up takes care of herself wears perfume and has long blonde hair. I don't wear make up, or perfume and my fav outfit is black jeans and a T-shirt.

I know full well he fancies her and she's more his type. What the hell do I do??

I love my sister so much but this feeling won't piss off. I hate him seeing pics of her on my social media when we have days together etc it kills me.

I broke up with him because of these feelings and he told me I was being silly and I'm prettier etc but I don't want to be prettier I just don't want to constantly feel like he's lusting over her.

Should I end it? I know it's extreme but he doesn't deserve me being upset and grumpy in these situations and I can't resolve these feelings at all.

OP posts:
Handsoffmyrights · 02/09/2022 11:45

That's quite a glaring omission. Good grief, why are you even with this pig?

Regularsizedrudy · 02/09/2022 11:53

Interesting choice to mention your sisters hormone problems but not the whole tit wank thing…

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 02/09/2022 11:55

So you’re madly in love with a sleazy git who sends messages to your sister about tit wanks.
Is this a wind up. I could never be in a relationship with anyone who disrespected my sister like that. You need a word with yourself

mbosnz · 02/09/2022 11:56

Having been the sister in this scenario, it's a horrible, horrible, situation to be in. I'd bin the creep off, because you can't trust him, he's being foul and abusive to you, and that poor woman having to deal with this from her sister's partner!

Some men seem to think that when they get an in with one woman in the family, this somehow gives them rights to others in the family.

Unfortunately in my case, my sister married the creep. Things certainly didn't take a turn for the better.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 11:59

Regularsizedrudy · 02/09/2022 11:53

Interesting choice to mention your sisters hormone problems but not the whole tit wank thing…

Agree. It reads like it’s perfectly understandable as she’s attractive with big boobs. Supported by the comment it would be fine if it was any other woman.

it’s not understandable or fine.it’s a creepy pervert type behaviour that would give most women the boak and have them running for the hills.

The question op is how don’t you know this? it’s nothing about your sisters appearance and everything about him being a creepy pervert who sexually harasses women and you can be assured your poor sister is not the only one who has been on the receiving end of this.

Whataretheodds · 02/09/2022 12:04

he felt guilty about it all as he went into a depression and I felt at the time I needed to help him.

Unbelievable. You need to dump him and work on your self-esteem. It is not your job to help him get over the guilt he feels for saying he wants a tit wank from your sister.

britneyisfree · 02/09/2022 12:06

Come off it.

Obviously ditch and never see again

Original poster
blueberry2105 · 02/09/2022 12:26

Worst question I have ever asked on here. Why am I being targeted. Yes I did ask my question in bits because originally I didn't want a strong opinion with mentioning the text message. But then I realised I had to give a reason for my insecurities so it wasn't completely unfounded but if some of you need more information I also lost my baby with this same man and since then have had a really bad attachment to wanting him in my life. I want to have a baby with him I love him more than I have ever loved anyone but this has driven a wedge I don't bring it up all the time with him I try avoid it the less he thinks about her the better for me actually but I'm in a point in my relationship where I want my family to meet him. The message wasn't completely out of the blue either they had talked and it got flirty. But he was still out of order sending that. I literally would do and have done so much for this man and he's been great in every other way apart from this. I am angry at him I hate what happened I will always choose my sister. I kept back details so I could get a better understanding of how to deal with my insecurities from other women maybe even some that have had the same thing in their lives. I don't need to be told the message was out of order I already know that. I am insecure and I struggle with my own self esteem.

OP posts:
Rapidtango · 02/09/2022 12:32

If this is true, then I have a few questions.

You say the conversation between your sister and boyfriend got a bit flirty - why is your sister the innocent party in this?

What was your sister's response to the 'tit wank' comment Envy?

The relationship obviously isn't making you happy. Why are you prepared to stay in it and contemplate having a child with a disrespectful pervert?

Whataretheodds · 02/09/2022 12:33

(most) posters on here are trying to helo but that's near impossible without the right info.

There's a huge difference between struggling with insecurity without foundation, and feeling insecure with foundation.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Have you thought about counselling. It sounds as though you would really benefit from it.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 12:34

Ok then both your partner and your sister have betrayed you and you deserve so much better.

Original poster
blueberry2105 · 02/09/2022 12:43

It got flirty on his side he said she was beautiful etc she didn't say anything to stop that just accepted the compliment he then sent her the message and she showed me everything.

OP posts:
essex956 · 02/09/2022 12:43

I kept back details so I could get a better understanding of how to deal with my insecurities from other women maybe even some that have had the same thing in their lives. I don't need to be told the message was out of order I already know that. I am insecure and I struggle with my own self esteem.

But it completely changes the whole dynamic.

Based on your original post you'll get advice on how to deal with your insecurities as if they're your own issue and something that has arisen by you having a low opinion of yourself/low self esteem/no confidence through no fault of your partners. If this was accurate it wouldn't be a "typical" or healthy mindset and therapy or counselling may have helped you to work on yourself which would in turn have made you feel more secure in your own relationship

After your update about the text it's clear that no amount of therapy/counselling will help as the issue is your absolute dickhead of a bf. I don't know a single woman how would tolerate this behaviour

What I would recommend is therapy or counselling to help you deal with your loss (sorry you went through this) and also some help on working on your boundaries so that you recognise your own worth and ditch your absolute prick of a bf

Rapidtango · 02/09/2022 12:44

At which point you should have dumped his arse. But I am glad your sister doesn't appear to have engaged with his pathetic behaviour.

economicervix · 02/09/2022 12:46

blueberry2105 · 02/09/2022 10:35

I forgot to mention the bit where he sent her a message saying he was thinking about her giving him a tit wank and the day we went for a walk and he kept talking about my sisters boobs

What are you doing with your life? Obviously dump him. Cringing for you that you kept this specimen around after this.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 02/09/2022 12:48

Ditch him !
your never going to be relaxed or trust him.

economicervix · 02/09/2022 12:48

sorry for your loss, but don’t inflict this male on a kid, don’t allow him to breed. Discard him, no need for a conversation even, just a text, he’s worthless.

TabithaTittlemouse · 02/09/2022 12:48

In what way are you being targeted?
people are answering you based on the information that you’ve given.
First post, you are insecure.
Second post, why would you want to be with someone who treats you and your sister like that?

And again another drip feed. I am sorry for your loss but you really need to rethink having a baby with this man.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 12:51

blueberry2105 · 02/09/2022 12:43

It got flirty on his side he said she was beautiful etc she didn't say anything to stop that just accepted the compliment he then sent her the message and she showed me everything.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby but you can't just stay with a guy who treats you this way as some sort of a connection to that child. Another child with him won't replace the one you lost and you shouldn't bring a child into the world when you know your relationship isn't right.

Madmax1992 · 02/09/2022 13:01

If he can message your sister like that then he'll have no problems messaging a stranger something inappropriate. He was trying his luck with her and you were lucky your sister told you. I'd have dumped his arse then! You might love him, but are you ever truly going to feel happy and trusting? He sounds disgusting!

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 13:16

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 12:34

Ok then both your partner and your sister have betrayed you and you deserve so much better.

Well no she clearly states it got flirty his side. The sister didn’t engage it seems past accepting the compliment. He then sexually harassed her crudely and the sister showed the op.

Whoactuallythinksthat · 02/09/2022 13:19

Dump him. He sounds like a prat.
Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder though. Just because you think your sister is more desirable than you, really doesn’t mean that everyone does. Hopefully you’ll get a new partner who will help you believe that

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 13:29

@Fairylightsongs well no she clearly stated that after my comment Hmm

Maray1967 · 02/09/2022 13:36

Why on earth would you stay in a relationship where you might be invited to a family gathering where your sister would have to see him? He sexually harassed her!! I can’t imagine what she thinks of you for staying with him. He is disgusting.

EllaBob · 02/09/2022 13:51

Hmm.