CF Acquaintance turned up today despite refusing invite

[Grumpusaurus]

We live in a popular tourist destination and after numerous people took advantage of us, we nip it in the bud now. Most seem to follow the same script by contacting us out of the blue and mentioning that it would be so lovely to see us. I now answer in a very friendly manner that it has been years since we last heard from them and it would indeed be lovely to catch up over coffee in a nearby spot when they are in the area. This does tend to put an end to most of those potential CFs, however, one acquaintance pushed back and asked to stay with us at the beginning of September. I told her that this would not be possible, especially as we have a very tight deadline and will be working flat out to finish a commission. DH and I are self-employed craftspeople and sometimes we do work all day and most of the night to finish pieces and the DC stay at their grandparents during that last push. Not heard back from the acquaintance since July even though she clearly read my WhatsApp message.

The doorbell went this evening, I ignored it as DH and I were in the middle of working on our commission but someone kept pushing the bell. Our property is an L-shape so you can see from our workshop who is at the front door. CF acquaintance was standing there with a suitcase! DH is more of a people pleaser and while really cheesed off was about to answer the door till I told him no bloody way! He redeemed himself by immediately agreeing. The bell went a few more times and then got a flurry of WhatsApp messages, which I ignored. She eventually left after half an hour. I am almost bemused by the cheek of it but there is no way I am going to let anyone railroad me into being their free accommodation and greatly inconveniencing us, especially while we literally get up to work all hours and fall into bed. DH is fretting about her coming back but I told that we will just continue to ignore the doorbell. We have a back gate to a dirt track we can stealth like leave the property if she is holding a siege at the front door 😎 There are plenty of hotels and B&Bs in the area, albeit quite dear. Who does that! A rhetorical question but am just shocked by the cheek of just turning up after saying emphatically No!

@dropthevipers Trebuchet takes me right back to 2nd year History class!

Could you construct a trebuchet with the bucket/bowl-thing disguised as a piece of outside garden furniture? If so, contact CF, apologise profusely, tell her all is forgiven and invite her to come and stay. Lovely late-summer evening, drinks in the garden, she as the guest of honour is prompted to recline on the 'best' sofa.

Just one tiny little pull and she'll be halfway back home again in no time

Both DH and I learned cabinet making and metal crafts in college but this isn't our main line of work these days.

numerous people took advantage of us, we nip it in the bud now. Most seem to follow the same script by contacting us out of the blue and mentioning that it would be so lovely to see us

You need to get in there first and regale them with your longstanding heartfelt desire to go on holiday to Basildon, Rhyl, Rotherham, Bathgate or wherever they happen to live. "Hey, we could stay with you, couldn't we?! You could host us for two weeks and we'd have so much time for an amazing long catchup! It's a deal!!"

You can make a fairly basic trebuchet fairly easily, it's the structural integrity of a large one that would be tricky. Once you're dealing with something to fling e.g. a grown woman over a moat, you're dealing with a fair bit of force. I'd worry if it wasn't properly anchored down you may accidentally end up with a broken orangery and a pool in need of some fairly major decontamination. That said, it could be a fairly permanent solution to this particular unwanted guest.

Probably best to stick with the portcullis and maybe a few mild booby traps? I think I'd look at whether you can get some trapdoors like those microchip activated catflaps so they only open for the non microchipped and microchip yourself and family. A kind person would ensure they were kept clean and dry inside but you'll need somewhere to put all the greyhound poo...

My ds brought his first flat in a tourist destination city. His aunt jokingly (not) said that’s free accommodation when visiting said city then. Err no, it’s a one bedroom flat and he doesn’t want his aunt staying.

You can make a fairly basic trebuchet fairly easily, it's the structural integrity of a large one that would be tricky. Once you're dealing with something to fling e.g. a grown woman over a moat, you're dealing with a fair bit of force. I'd worry if it wasn't properly anchored down you may accidentally end up with a broken orangery and a pool in need of some fairly major decontamination.

Surely the decontamination squad can handle the minor tomfoolery of disposing of a grown woman's carcass?
I certainly hope so.
Otherwise it leaves OP with no alternative but to manufacture her own army of Orcs, & you know how troublesome they can be to neighbouring properties.

@bert3400 I REALLY want to see a photo of your spaniel on stilts! We've a 13 year old Springer and an 8 year old cocker (latter just rehomed this year from Spain). They're the loves of my life (as is DH, of course 👀)

Loving how seriously people are actually considering the detailed science!!

Surely the decontamination squad can handle the minor tomfoolery of disposing of a grown woman's carcass?

If you can make it powerful enough to fling her into the middle of the English Channel with a mighty sploooosh, our lovely predatory sea-creature friends will always be willing to lend a helping hand

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll if you can get from probably San Tropez to the English channel you're going to need quite the trebuchet. The med would be more convenient but we'd need to check tidal patterns to make sure she's unlikely to wash back up, sods law she'd emerge next to George Clooney and no way all the paparazzi would miss that.

Perhaps an oubliette as accomodation for unwanted guests?

DH and my search history are quite random now... Checking for any machinery one could hire to excavate a deep bottle shaped vertical tunnel. An oubliette does have a chicness about it. Obviously, we would need an automatic trapdoor to encourage unwanted guests to retreat to this subterranean space.

No fiver for you... No flatties here, v much the wrong breed group for me. I like em houndy. (Though I do know a lovely liver pair round the corner).

I am seriously pondering a portcullis on a 3 bed terrace though... lend the place a certain nobility and gravitas... mm!

Ooooh yes an oubliette, now thats niche... thats not yer run of the mill CF deterrant!

Just go for a full labyrinth with a goblin or two. Dont forget to add a bog of eternal stench. Might scupper the haulage companies though.

A bog of eternal stench should be relative easy to arrange. All you need is a septic tank with a leak.

If you can make it powerful enough to fling her into the middle of the English Channel with a mighty sploooosh, our lovely predatory sea-creature friends will always be willing to lend a helping hand

Too late @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - Patel 'resigned' a few days back.

I dunno OP, it depends how minimalist you wanna be.
The Moon Door from Game of Thrones might appeal ...?

Aaaaw @WiddlinDiddlin

Having been partnered by a flattie & then a beddie lurcher & now a whippety thing ...
yeah I get you. The lurcher, tho soft as butter, was an excellent human-deterrent. People thought he was a wolfhound/mantrained type.

With all this talk of trebuchets and oubliettes I really want to know what has happened to CF - is she staying with your nice but gullible friend? Is she going to ring your doorbell again? Is she badmouthing you all over social media? I need to know.

Dont forget to add a bog of eternal stench.

Pretty sure we had one of those in a house I shared as a student.

Too late @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - Patel 'resigned' a few days back.

It's ridiculous how much important time they waste in the niceties of 'inviting somebody to resign' when they fall out of favour and then waiting to receive and announce the resignation. It would be so much more efficient if Liz could be like Frau Farbissina and just pull a lever to dispatch the 'surplus' person down into a hungry crocodile pit with an evil cackle.

Ahhhhhhh... we are kin... we had a beddy whippety job and recently lost a beddy whippety saluki job. We are down to a saluki (full saluki but very much not the full anything else, shilling, picnic, chairs...), ancient wobbly tibetan thing and a floppy eared scent hound of ill repute and french origins (and yes im trying not to out myself)...

Our late and much missed deerhound was an excellent protection dog, looked for all the hearth rug unless someone was being SUSPICIOUS... and then she meant business with huge pointy teefed alien faces, and her size and the faces meant no one pushed her any further :D I used to use her to repel bailiffs at the threshold when I moved into a house that had previously contained dubious 'run up lots of debts then run away' types.

I am procrastinating over boring work things and trying to devise (with aid of pencil and paper) a sort of trebuchet/launch pad disguised as a front path... one drop of a lever and whoever is stood on the doorstep is launched over the houses opposite and into the next street!

(full saluki but very much not the full anything else, shilling, picnic, chairs...)
😂

Our late and much missed deerhound was an excellent protection dog, looked for all the hearth rug unless someone was being SUSPICIOUS
Aaaaaw I like the sound of her!

Never imagined I'd fetch up with a whippety thing but he's kinda inherited & we've filled a mutual gap in each other's lives. He demanding, reactive ... & as smart as a whip[pet], & the sweetest bed & sofa buddy.
Always had big hairy dogs before him, the first an accidental wolfie/GSD cross. He fulfilled the role your Ms Deerhound played, as despite not knowing the term then, or what it was all about, I mantrained him (ex horse yard girl, so dogs seemed much quicker & easier!) & only recognised what I'd done years later, on meeting a new pal who mantrains for the Met.
Wolfie/gsd saved my bacon quite spectacularly on a couple of occasions way back when, living on a dodgy estate. Chancers were a little disconcerted when he 'spoke' on command, & scared shitless when they found out the second move was to 'HUP speak' ie paws on their chests & let out a roar right in their bullying faces. They were usually walking away fast before I had to issue the 'seize it!!!' 😀

What a charming digression down memory lane 😆
Perhaps OP would like some large hairy dogs to roam her ramparts & stare down her cunningly footpath-disguised drawbridge?

@WiddlinDiddlin and @KettrickenSmiled I love shaggy Lurchers and deerhounds! My hounds were dwarfed by their deerhound mate. Such a shame that they have such a short lifespan.

Our hounds are not in the protection business. They sleep through door bells, loud power tool noises, rocket launchers, and Armageddon. They do however appear by my side when I try to open a snack in another room. They are the Tesla of the dog world, requiring 22 plus hours sleep to recharge for 20 minutes of zoomies. 😆