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Original poster

Should I have made his tea.....

60 replies

Olive249 · 01/09/2022 22:37

Hi all, just after some opinions. So today my husband was going out to the football so I made plans to go out with my Mum and sister to a local restaurant for tea.
About 45 minutes before i/he was due to go he came and asked "would I be getting tea tonight?". He did this also when we were in the supermarket last week and asked "are we not getting Sunday dinner today?"
For context I cook every meal, he has never cooked for me. Also for context I am starting to question lots of aspects of our relationship. Talked to a couple of friends today and they have said their husbands would never say anything like that to them!

OP posts:

Terrariatime · 01/09/2022 22:40

Well if you've got into the habit of cooking every meal and he's come to expect it, he would question it wouldn't he? I suggest you set some boundaries around what's your responsibility and the fact you're not his personal slave/mother of the manchild.

DeadbeatYoda · 01/09/2022 22:41

I'd respond similarly 'I dunno, will we / you?'
He's a grown man, knock it straight back in his court.

frazzledasarock · 01/09/2022 22:43

similar to your friends my DH wouldn’t ask or expect me to cook for him if I wasn’t going to be around to be eating the meal.

SwissRole123 · 01/09/2022 22:46

Tell him to get his own fucking tea! Honestly the man babies I read about on here, glad I'm single. How the fuck do you have sex with these dickheads?

WitchDancer · 01/09/2022 22:48

My DH wouldn't say this, nor I to him. Mainly because we do dairies and discuss this stuff in advance so there's no confusion. Saying that he wouldn't say that anyway but would start his meal (he would ask if I wanted anything first).

Ilovelurchers · 01/09/2022 23:01

Yeah, mine is like this. He wasn't always - was a fully functioning adult male when I met him! But I have created the problem really. One of the ways I show my love to my family is through feeding them. It's an inherited trait - my mom is the same, as was her mom.

So I am constantly offering them food to what is I am sure an annoying extent! I make his breakfast, even if it is only toast - I make him sandwiches for lunch. When he is going on the road I send him off with a food parcel!

Consequently he has come to expect it and when for example the other day after a especially stressful day I told him and dd I was too knackered to cook, he looked at me with an expression of helpless bewilderment, like an abandoned baby bird!

It pissed me off, I won't lie, but I can also see that if I want him not to react like this I need to stop babying him. (My dd is different in that she volunteers to help with the cooking and will often make a dessert for example if I am making the main - but I am just blessed in her).

He is meant to be cooking for us one night soon - we have both asked him to and he did agree in principle. He is actually quite a good cook, though has a fairly small recipe. Need to definitely make sure that happens - I want to redress this balance!

newbiename · 01/09/2022 23:08

I'd have said 'I don't know , would you ? I'm going out'

NotLactoseFree · 01/09/2022 23:32

I do 100% of the cooking (and shopping, and meal planning) in this house.

It wouldn't even cross DH's mind to expect me to cook if I was not home that night. Similarly, if I say, at 6:30pm that I just don't feel like it, he will happily go off and "forage" - usually means digging around in the fridge and making a fry up or beans on toast or something!

Goldbar · 02/09/2022 00:13

Of course you shouldn't have made the tea. But the problem is that you have created an expectation that you always do, which has no doubt developed into a sense of entitlement on behalf of your husband.

In our house, my husband is usually back late from work and sorts himself out. I make dinner for myself and our DC and, if I'm feeling particularly generous, I might send him a message that there are leftovers in the fridge. If I'm pissed off with him, the leftovers are frozen rather than offered to him. I'll also cook occasionally at weekends, usually because there's something I want to try, though we eat out/get a takeaway or just eat picnic food if no one feels like cooking. If DH looked at me and said "What's for dinner?", I'd assume he wasn't feeling quite well. Why would it be my responsibility to feed another fully capable adult?!

Musti · 02/09/2022 00:50

I’d be really pissed off if I was asked that question. Get him to make himself something and if he doesn’t know then he can Google. It’s not rocket science

Successgirl2022 · 02/09/2022 01:58

My husband expects dinner too most of the time.

I do it because he is very good in many other areas of our life

financial (earns 2.5 times more than me. I am trying my best to catch up:))
a great dad to our son
does all the gardening

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 02/09/2022 02:37

Would I f do the the cooking just because I have a vagina and my DH has deigned to be nice to his own child.

If my DH sent me a text like that I’d divorce him.

fallfallfall · 02/09/2022 02:51

if you have always cooked then he's right to ask, you need to discuss this stuff in advance. shared calendar and am discussion.
we chat about meals so that large roasts are not bunged into the oven cooking till midnight and wasted, or chinese take out ordered when you have 101 soups and stews in the deep freeze.

FrozenGhost · 02/09/2022 03:05

If my DH asked this I'd be extremely concerned that he might have had a stroke or something. Why would I make him dinner that I wasn't going to be the there for. It would actually seem a bit controlling because it's forcing him to eat you what you deign he will be eating. I'd want to choose for myself in his position.

This though
I make his breakfast, even if it is only toast - I make him sandwiches for lunch.

Wtf. You make a grown man's toast? Have you ever considered he might like to make it? Imagine being so babied and controlled you can't even make toast without your partner running over and grabbing the butter knife out of your hand!

Topseyt123 · 02/09/2022 03:15

My answer would have been "No. I'm eating out. We each sort ourselves out tonight."

What would happen if you sent him that?

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2022 03:42

I cook in week. Dh at weekends. I would only cook his tea when not eating if he was going to be late back from work.

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/09/2022 04:57

No you should not have made his tea. I'm sure he is more than capable of making his own. You should make it clear he needs to cook on a regular basis. I really don't like cooking. The planning of a meal, preparing and actually cooking it are things I really dislike. My husband had a habit of saying what are we having for dinner? I started to say I don't know what are we having and we discussed it. We generally cook together now .

AhNowTed · 02/09/2022 05:40

I never cook. My husband does all the cooking.

But I would never EXPECT it.

If he's not in the mood I sort myself out.

rwalker · 02/09/2022 05:41

If you cook every meal it’s a reasonable assumption to ask

ShandaLear · 02/09/2022 05:47

Successgirl2022 · 02/09/2022 01:58

My husband expects dinner too most of the time.

I do it because he is very good in many other areas of our life

financial (earns 2.5 times more than me. I am trying my best to catch up:))
a great dad to our son
does all the gardening

Do you work the same hours? Are you a great mother to your son? Do you have a massive garden that requires daily care (actually needs it, not just poking about as a hobby?). You imply that you do literally everything else - cooking, shopping, cleaning, ironing, house/life admin. If you do, he has a pretty sweet deal.

ShandaLear · 02/09/2022 05:54

FrozenGhost · 02/09/2022 03:05

This though
I make his breakfast, even if it is only toast - I make him sandwiches for lunch.

Hard agree. I met a woman last week who was putting sun cream on her DH’s legs. How on earth can she find attractive a man who is happy for her to treat him like a 4 year old?

I am not for one second saying we shouldn’t do nice things for each other - a cup of tea in bed is lovely, or someone running a bath for you when you’re tired and sore - but habitually infantilising a partner is deeply unattractive.

Aquateal · 02/09/2022 05:58

I don't think it's your responsibility. I would expect him to make his own or pick something up while he is out.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 02/09/2022 06:09

I make dinner every night as am a better cook and he does all the dishes. However when am going out, I would tell him to prepare his own dinner. I think if you are always the one managing food side of things, he may just want to clarify the arrangement and you can just tell him don't expect you to cook tonight.

AhNowTed · 02/09/2022 06:12

Successgirl2022 · 02/09/2022 01:58

My husband expects dinner too most of the time.

I do it because he is very good in many other areas of our life

financial (earns 2.5 times more than me. I am trying my best to catch up:))
a great dad to our son
does all the gardening

Earning more doesn't "buy" him an opt out.

You're setting yourself up to be his maid.

N27 · 02/09/2022 06:58

I cook 90% of our family meals and to be fair if I was going out I would normally have something lined up for him so I wouldn’t be offended at the question. I think his reaction to your answer would be most telling - if you say no is he ok with that or has he come to expect to be fed every day?

I obviously wouldn’t cook him a 3 course meal but if he asked if there was anything for tea I’d say there’s leftovers/pizza in the freezer/whatever else is in the house and he’ll happily cook it himself.

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