Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I have made his tea.....

60 replies

Olive249 · 01/09/2022 22:37

Hi all, just after some opinions. So today my husband was going out to the football so I made plans to go out with my Mum and sister to a local restaurant for tea.
About 45 minutes before i/he was due to go he came and asked "would I be getting tea tonight?". He did this also when we were in the supermarket last week and asked "are we not getting Sunday dinner today?"
For context I cook every meal, he has never cooked for me. Also for context I am starting to question lots of aspects of our relationship. Talked to a couple of friends today and they have said their husbands would never say anything like that to them!

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 02/09/2022 07:03

If you make every meal it's not such an unreasonable question. Why didn't you say "I'm eating out Saturday so won't be cooking". Then he can make his own decisions based on the full information.

No you shouldn't have to make his tea.
But of communication beforehand would have helped.

Homewardbound2022 · 02/09/2022 07:05

ShandaLear · 02/09/2022 05:54

Hard agree. I met a woman last week who was putting sun cream on her DH’s legs. How on earth can she find attractive a man who is happy for her to treat him like a 4 year old?

I am not for one second saying we shouldn’t do nice things for each other - a cup of tea in bed is lovely, or someone running a bath for you when you’re tired and sore - but habitually infantilising a partner is deeply unattractive.

Show quote history

I recently saw a woman putting sunscreen on her husband's face and couldn't believe my eyes. Pathetic and cringe.

20viona · 02/09/2022 07:06

Course you shouldn't! He's a grown man he can bloody sort himself out.

Motnight · 02/09/2022 07:07

Successgirl2022 · 02/09/2022 01:58

My husband expects dinner too most of the time.

I do it because he is very good in many other areas of our life

  1. financial (earns 2.5 times more than me. I am trying my best to catch up:))
  2. a great dad to our son
  3. does all the gardening

Really? Why do some women set their bar so low? I am in my late 50s. At one point my dh earned 6 times what I did (though once I was able to concentrate on my career again this changed completely). Mostly because I had made the choice to put my career on hold for practical childcare reasons, it made financial and practical sense although I stayed in part time employment.

My input was considered by both of us to be just as important as his. I wasn't thankful when he was a great dad, or did all the gardening because I was a great mum who did pretty much everything else to keep our family running.

I couldn't be with a person where their financial input made their time somehow more important than mine. And I'm old!

category12 · 02/09/2022 07:12

Ilovelurchers · 01/09/2022 23:01

Yeah, mine is like this. He wasn't always - was a fully functioning adult male when I met him! But I have created the problem really. One of the ways I show my love to my family is through feeding them. It's an inherited trait - my mom is the same, as was her mom.

So I am constantly offering them food to what is I am sure an annoying extent! I make his breakfast, even if it is only toast - I make him sandwiches for lunch. When he is going on the road I send him off with a food parcel!

Consequently he has come to expect it and when for example the other day after a especially stressful day I told him and dd I was too knackered to cook, he looked at me with an expression of helpless bewilderment, like an abandoned baby bird!

It pissed me off, I won't lie, but I can also see that if I want him not to react like this I need to stop babying him. (My dd is different in that she volunteers to help with the cooking and will often make a dessert for example if I am making the main - but I am just blessed in her).

He is meant to be cooking for us one night soon - we have both asked him to and he did agree in principle. He is actually quite a good cook, though has a fairly small recipe. Need to definitely make sure that happens - I want to redress this balance!

"I'm just blessed in her"

Naw, mate, you're just teaching her the exact same life lessons as your mum taught you, and her mum taught her. It's not an "inherited trait", it's what was modelled to you as a girl of the family.

KangarooKenny · 02/09/2022 07:12

My DH cooks 3 or 4 nights a week. You need to have a chat about who does what and when.

Motnight · 02/09/2022 07:29

category12 · 02/09/2022 07:12

"I'm just blessed in her"

Naw, mate, you're just teaching her the exact same life lessons as your mum taught you, and her mum taught her. It's not an "inherited trait", it's what was modelled to you as a girl of the family.

Show quote history

Wise words

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/09/2022 07:31

Is there no such thing as kindness in marriage anymore? You are headed out to eat at a restaurant with your mother and sister. He is home - alone. You always do all the meals. How is he supposed to know that on this day of all days everything has changed? Couldn't you just heat a frozen pizza or a can of beans on toast? Or even say "I will bring you leftovers from my fabulous restaurant meal?"
Why are so many marriages based on percentages? We earn the same amount so we each do 50% of the housework, childcare, shopping, etc.
He earns twice as much as I do, so I do 66.6% of the housework and he does 33.3%. Every other month I do the extra .1%
In the old days marriages were built on love and respect. Now they are built on income and percentages. It is sad.

Triffid1 · 02/09/2022 07:52

She should "be kind"? She should "communicate" more? This is ridiculous. I mean, if she was going out last minute and he didn't know then sure, perhaps a text to say "I'm going out with many tonight so you will need to sort dinner" isn't a terrible thing but this was an arrangement he knew about.

Also, it's all in the asking. I wouldn't make dh dinner but woukd probably give him a steer - there are fishcakes in the freezer, or similar. But that's me being "kind" to make his life easier because I love him, not him expecting me to serve him.

Topseyt123 · 02/09/2022 08:22

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/09/2022 07:31

Is there no such thing as kindness in marriage anymore? You are headed out to eat at a restaurant with your mother and sister. He is home - alone. You always do all the meals. How is he supposed to know that on this day of all days everything has changed? Couldn't you just heat a frozen pizza or a can of beans on toast? Or even say "I will bring you leftovers from my fabulous restaurant meal?"
Why are so many marriages based on percentages? We earn the same amount so we each do 50% of the housework, childcare, shopping, etc.
He earns twice as much as I do, so I do 66.6% of the housework and he does 33.3%. Every other month I do the extra .1%
In the old days marriages were built on love and respect. Now they are built on income and percentages. It is sad.

What utter bollocks.

He knows she is eating out while he is at football so surely he can work out that unless he also eats while he is out then he will be sorting his own food. Unless he is spectacularly dim of course. He shouldn't be expecting OP to act as his personal servant.

As for marriages working on percentages, that suggestion is just odd and I have only ever seen it when it comes to drawing up the financial setup. You do what needs to be done at the time.

LuckyAmy1986 · 02/09/2022 08:43

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/09/2022 07:31

Is there no such thing as kindness in marriage anymore? You are headed out to eat at a restaurant with your mother and sister. He is home - alone. You always do all the meals. How is he supposed to know that on this day of all days everything has changed? Couldn't you just heat a frozen pizza or a can of beans on toast? Or even say "I will bring you leftovers from my fabulous restaurant meal?"
Why are so many marriages based on percentages? We earn the same amount so we each do 50% of the housework, childcare, shopping, etc.
He earns twice as much as I do, so I do 66.6% of the housework and he does 33.3%. Every other month I do the extra .1%
In the old days marriages were built on love and respect. Now they are built on income and percentages. It is sad.

Is there no such thing as kindness in marriage anymore? You are headed out to eat at a restaurant with your mother and sister. He is home - alone. You always do all the meals. So he uses his brain and figures he will make his own food tonight without bothering you. He gives you the much needed night off without having to cook for him or have to think about him and his needs. He heats up a frozen pizza or has beans on toast, (or makes an actual cooked meal that grown men should be able to make)

@GeorgiaGirl52 there, i fixed that for you

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 02/09/2022 08:50

This is not about kindness and you should not have to spell out to him that he needs to get his own. If he knew you were eating out and he still made the assumption that you'd make him tea then he's treating you like staff. He needs to check his entitlement and grow up.

Goldbar · 02/09/2022 09:27

LuckyAmy1986 · 02/09/2022 08:43

Is there no such thing as kindness in marriage anymore? You are headed out to eat at a restaurant with your mother and sister. He is home - alone. You always do all the meals. So he uses his brain and figures he will make his own food tonight without bothering you. He gives you the much needed night off without having to cook for him or have to think about him and his needs. He heats up a frozen pizza or has beans on toast, (or makes an actual cooked meal that grown men should be able to make)

@GeorgiaGirl52 there, i fixed that for you

Show quote history

Good fix 😂.

Or he could just get off his arse and order delivery, if he can't even manage a frozen pizza.

Leaving him to his own devices could be viewed as an act of kindness. What if the OP ever ended up in hospital? It's not very kind to leave this man without even basic survival skills... he might have starved to death by the time she is discharged!

Goldbar · 02/09/2022 09:32

It's not so much who actually does all or most of the cooking. It's this expectation of being cooked for. Having a meal cooked for you is a privilege not a right. And it doesn't matter how much you earn.

LilacPoppy · 02/09/2022 11:41

Yes, it's just a nice thing to do really. Have you forgotten that you ( I assume) love your dh.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 11:47

Haha. Hahaha. Hahahaha!

Why would you be doing his tea if he's going out? Surely he'll get something out.

To be fair if I'm going out and feeling nice I'll sometimes prepare something for DP to put in the oven, but he'd never expect it and he'd never have the nerve to question whether I was making his tea when he is going out!

Goldbar · 02/09/2022 11:49

LilacPoppy · 02/09/2022 11:41

Yes, it's just a nice thing to do really. Have you forgotten that you ( I assume) love your dh.

Maybe that is what the OP is questioning though? Whether she really does love someone who treats her like the maid or a domestic appliance.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 02/09/2022 13:47

Has he no shame? Just a big ole baby who thinks you are his mum - very sexy (not).

frazzledasarock · 02/09/2022 14:58

she doesn’t need to heat him a tin of beans, because unless there’s a massive drip feed, the husband is perfectly functioning and able to heat his own tin of damn beans!

usually with a sensible coherent functioning adult, it goes like this. I’m hungry, what do I fancy making for myself?

what I’ve never ever done is go oooh I’m hungry let me ask my husband what he will be making me for my dinner even though he’s going out tonight.

Why is it assumed men are some kind of incapable outsized toddlers?

PowerHits · 02/09/2022 15:17

@Ilovelurchers lots of us show our love and care through making nice food but not every day and not to the exclusion of others - surely our partners deserve the chance to do the same? Very poor modelling for the next generation too.

pinkyredrose · 02/09/2022 15:23

Successgirl2022 · 02/09/2022 01:58

My husband expects dinner too most of the time.

I do it because he is very good in many other areas of our life

  1. financial (earns 2.5 times more than me. I am trying my best to catch up:))
  2. a great dad to our son
  3. does all the gardening

That's it? Sigh. They're always 'great dads' aren't they. Does he know what your sons school grades are or when his next dentists appointment is? Or is he just 'there'?

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/09/2022 15:25

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 02/09/2022 02:37

Would I f do the the cooking just because I have a vagina and my DH has deigned to be nice to his own child.

If my DH sent me a text like that I’d divorce him.

You'd DIVORCE your husband who you vowed to commit to for better or for worse, if he sent you a text asking if you were still cooking tea???? HmmHmmConfused
I mean, I'm not defending him but bloody hell! Talk about disposable marriages! That's absolutely bonkers

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 02/09/2022 15:27

Its about division of labour in many homes, one does meal planning and prep, the other does other jobs. In our home we both work equally hard, but I do 100% of the cooking. If I was going out there would have been a discussion whereby I would have told him he needed to sort tea out for him and the children, or I would pick something quick up and put it in the oven for dh and dc to sort. If he's sitting on his arse though watching TV and shouting through to ask what's for tea whilst you are getting ready to go out, he would be in a&e getting the hot GHDs removed.

pinkyredrose · 02/09/2022 15:29

Is there no such thing as kindness in marriage anymore? You are headed out to eat at a restaurant with your mother and sister. He is home - alone. You always do all the meals. How is he supposed to know that on this day of all days everything has changed? Couldn't you just heat a frozen pizza or a can of beans on toast? Or even say "I will bring you leftovers from my fabulous restaurant meal?"

Fucking lol! Especially at he is home - alone Can almost hear the drumroll!

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 15:35

He wasn't home alone he was going to the football...