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Original poster

Husbands affair resurfaced

68 replies

citygirl200 · 31/08/2022 22:54

Hi
looking for some support on what to do

been married nearly 16 years
husband had an affair - well it transpired he was with another woman when he met me … and married me whilst still with her. And whilst we had our first child

anyway. Other woman was part of my marriage for the first 7 years. I thought it had all passed us . Things never have been the same to be honest

anyway thinking it all ended by 2011. The other month I came across a bank statement of my husbands who transferred money into the other woman’s account back in Oct 2019.
I confronted him . He said it’s no big deal?!

I asked him to share his statements with me since Oct 2019 to date … as I suspect he send her money regular. He said no

what do I make of this ???

why oct 2019 to date is important . It was Dec 2019 when I wanted a divorce, but he persuaded me during Covid not to leave him

at the same time sending her money

if he showed me his statements and there are more transactions since Oct 2019 I will leave him. He refuses to share this info with me

I even said ask the bank to run report on her account number from his ct 2019 and I will be able to see if that was just the once. He refused

his refusal suggests he is lying to to me

OP posts:
Office247 · 31/08/2022 22:57

Your married, why the hell does he think this isn’t any of your business.

To be fair, I don’t think you need it in black and white to know what he’s done here. He won’t show you. That’s enough

User1214455 · 31/08/2022 23:00

Even if he shows you and it confirms the regular payments, you will not leave him as he has done far worse and you didn't leave him. I feel this may be your life until you decide to leave. I hope one day you get the confidence to do so and it will not require multiple discovery days.

Okeydoky · 31/08/2022 23:01

Do they have a child together that you don't know about? Is that maintenance?

Regardless, you know what you need to do.

CoorieIn · 31/08/2022 23:02

I think you already know deep down. I'm sorry OP

Original poster
citygirl200 · 31/08/2022 23:07

You are all right. He has done far worse and I have not left him . The refusal is clear that there has been more transactions

we have a 12 year old. He is manipulative and I know he hides our family pot money . If I was to leave him he will be clever with our financial divides

I guess he has impacted me more than I know

feel so angry

OP posts:
J0y · 31/08/2022 23:08

That's weird. Is there any chance he got her pregnant and has managed to keep that from you all these years?

Don't flatter his ego by being overly upset. If this is as shabby as it seems, GET TURNED OFF (and then be strong moving on). xx

NorthernPud · 31/08/2022 23:09

I also wondered if this is child support. Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
citygirl200 · 31/08/2022 23:11

No idea on child … but clear it’s weird. Also facts are there regardless of reasons he is in Contact
he is not making any effort to reassure me that nothing has happened since

his justification for that transfer was he felt sorry for her… right middle of me telling him I’m divorcing him

he begged me during Covid to give him another chance . He is aggressive towards me - financially controlling etc and this affair

I stupidly beloved him

OP posts:
Cas112 · 31/08/2022 23:12

I would think he is funding a child also

Original poster
citygirl200 · 31/08/2022 23:13

He has always denied having a child. I did ask him before many years ago

I hate why I’m in this

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 31/08/2022 23:16

He is aggressive to you. You deserve a safe life OP. Start the divorce. Get rid of this awful man.

Manchestermummax2 · 31/08/2022 23:21

Hes got a love child he's paying maintenance for. I'm sorry 💐

profuseapologies · 31/08/2022 23:23

Could he be paying this person for 'services'?

Lacey247 · 31/08/2022 23:23

How much was the payment for?

PinkButtercups · 31/08/2022 23:24

Yeah he's a lying piece of 💩.

You need to leave him and try to take control back of your life if you can x

JazzyBBG · 31/08/2022 23:25

Was he moving money across for her to hide if you split up?

Electriq · 31/08/2022 23:55

Get out the relationship.

Nothing is worth feeling like this in your own life.

You will rebuild and you will be happier.

Rooroobear · 01/09/2022 00:25

Is he paying maintenance for this other child maybe??

tsttst · 01/09/2022 05:27

How much was the bank transfer amount for ?

What reason did he give for transferring the money ?

If it was a one off transaction, he would tell you that and show you the accounts.

It's a secret love child.

tsttst · 01/09/2022 05:31

i know someone very rich who not only had an affair but had 3 children with the OW. He left the wife devastated after she had worked hard from nothing to build their business together. He beat her up, and to win over his 18 year daughter, he bought her an exclusive nightclub to manage.

You deserve better.Anyway, tell your husband he might hide the bank transfer details from you now, but he can't hide them forever.

custardbear · 01/09/2022 05:41

He's clearly hiding and lying by omission. My first thought was they had a child together, if it's not that then he's giving money to her directly, but why?
He needs to communicate with you so you can have clarity to decide where your life is going

pompomseverywhere · 01/09/2022 05:41

Come on lovely, it's irrelevant what the money is for and how much and how often. He's cheated on you from day one and he's an abusive pig.

Are you allowed to see friends and family? Show them this post so they have the outline of what is going on and get support to leave now. You have your life and freedom ahead of you.

Seeinglightthroughallhisbullshit · 01/09/2022 06:44

The transfer of money from the family pot to a mistress by your husband is your business.

I suspect affair has continued all these years, there may be a child between them or the money could have been to help her out due to loss of income relating to Covid lockdowns... but crux of the matter is, he has lied to you throughout your whole marriage. He is devious, deceitful, abusive and has no respect for you. You are not his priority. He has shown you who he is and you have allowed this to continue. I'm sorry to be so brutal but only you can alter this situation you are in. It sounds as though the affair is still ongoing so you have two choices...put up and shut up or get out and at least have a future devoid of this drama. He obviously has a deep attachment to the OW and is quite happy to cake eat.

This is not a happy or genuine marriage. You do not know your reality. I would start making plans to leave as he won't change and this will eat away at you if you accept his refusal for openess and honesty about the money.

What is your financial situation? Do you own your home or rent? You could tell him you are done and ask him to leave and start divorce proceedings. If you have lived knowing about the affair and managed mentally to cope, then undoubtly you can cope if you choose to split.

I'm so sorry OP.

Divebar2021 · 01/09/2022 07:00

So really you were the other woman then if he was with her when you came on he scene. What was their situation then? Presumably they weren’t living together? Just wondering if he has some other financial commitment with her ( like a mortgage) other than a child which does seem the most likely answer for this payment.

Onebreathmore · 01/09/2022 07:06

OP focusing on the money transfers is a distraction. You have said enough about this man for it to be clear he is an awful human Being and abusive partner.
You need to know you deserve more from life than this and you can’t get it staying with this man.

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