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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands affair resurfaced

68 replies

citygirl200 · 31/08/2022 22:54

Hi
looking for some support on what to do

been married nearly 16 years
husband had an affair - well it transpired he was with another woman when he met me … and married me whilst still with her. And whilst we had our first child

anyway. Other woman was part of my marriage for the first 7 years. I thought it had all passed us . Things never have been the same to be honest

anyway thinking it all ended by 2011. The other month I came across a bank statement of my husbands who transferred money into the other woman’s account back in Oct 2019.
I confronted him . He said it’s no big deal?!

I asked him to share his statements with me since Oct 2019 to date … as I suspect he send her money regular. He said no

what do I make of this ???

why oct 2019 to date is important . It was Dec 2019 when I wanted a divorce, but he persuaded me during Covid not to leave him

at the same time sending her money

if he showed me his statements and there are more transactions since Oct 2019 I will leave him. He refuses to share this info with me

I even said ask the bank to run report on her account number from his ct 2019 and I will be able to see if that was just the once. He refused

his refusal suggests he is lying to to me

OP posts:
Onebreathmore · 01/09/2022 07:07

And are you sure he is not married to her? If he was married to her first, your marriage is invalid.

TacCat49 · 01/09/2022 07:09

When you divorce this very poor excuse of a man will you be able to employ a forensic accountant to track down the money assets?

Dotcheck · 01/09/2022 07:10

You already KNOW he’s a liar- how is this different?

dudsville · 01/09/2022 07:13

You're barking up the wrong tree here. No one in this thread is going to be shocked by his more recent behaviour; he's proven himself over the course of years and decades. The shocker is your own behaviour, that you are still with him.

MsDogLady · 01/09/2022 07:22

CityGirl, OW has been a part of your marriage all this time, and she always will be.

The thread you wrote in April last year is chilling. Your pig of an H perpetrates:
*Physical abuse
*Emotional abuse—coercive control on many levels
*Verbal abuse—name calling and threats
*Financial abuse—hides finances; has much property and funds, but you have zero access and have to account for every penny you spend
*Sexual coercion—says you owe him sex because he pays majority of bills
*Alcohol abuse

He also emotionally abuses your son by telling him to keep secrets from you and is training him to not be accountable, just like he isn’t.

Posters urged you to contact Women’s Aid, do the Freedom Programme, and get out. You stayed, likely because he threatened to make your life a living hell if you leave. Now you have learned even more about your despicable H and farce of a marriage. Please make an exit plan. Your son is being damaged in this toxic home.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 01/09/2022 07:32

very likely they may have a child or 2 together.

can you contact her? Do you know where she lives?

TooHotToTangoToo · 01/09/2022 07:35

You forgave him for an affair that has led potentially been going on 7 years. He thinks he can do what he wants, and treat you anyway he wants, why? Because he talked you round once, he can do it again (or so he thinks).

Moonface123 · 01/09/2022 07:59

He is living two different lives and has been for many years by the sound of it, yet by not walking away you have enabled him to get away with it.
l haven't met a man yet who hasn't made it hard for the wife to leave or threatened to leave her broke etc, thats why so many solicitors/ lawyers are doing so well, when alot of busineses are failing. This is no way to live, you' d be much better off on your own at least you would have peace of mind which is priceless.

Festoonlights · 01/09/2022 08:03

Seriously just LTB, and discover your self respect op. He is a lying cheat and has been since the moment you met him.

category12 · 01/09/2022 08:07

Op, you only get one life.

Don't spend anymore of it being abused and lied to.

There are services that will help you leave.

BeesKnee · 01/09/2022 08:07

You need to put yourself first.
he’s never treated you with any respect, so you need to treat yourself better and leave him.
this is the push you need to finally cut ties with him.

AceSpades54321 · 01/09/2022 08:11

Oh wow what a betrayal. I couldn’t stay with someone like that, let alone live under the same roof! How absolutely disrespectful to you. He is treating you abysmally. The question is - why are you accepting it?

SunnyD44 · 01/09/2022 09:12

You were the OW back then and it sounds like you still are now.

Are you officially married?

Does he have time to spend with another family?

I was unintentionally the OW for a while and it’s mad how I saw him every weekend and a couple of times throughout the week, attend all the family parties etc and he managed to have a pregnant wife and child who had no idea he was cheating.

Honestly, I would do some digging.

He’s going to keep lying and he’ll try and cover things up so stop asking him and try and find out things for yourself.

Once you’ve got solid evidence then you can confront him again.

siucra · 01/09/2022 09:15

Are you able to contact this woman? Ask her what the truth is? Even if that gets you nowhere, you can't stay married to him. You need to be away from him, and start again with your 12 year old.

Bananarama21 · 01/09/2022 09:21

How long have you known this op? Technically you were both the ow if the relationship was there when he met you. You meantion the first 7 years. It's not going to get better. Sounds like he's got another family. For your own sanity leave crave a new life out for you and your child.

Bloodyusernamechangefailagain · 01/09/2022 09:26

Why have you let yourseld be treated like this for so long? I reckon he's still married to her, pays her mortgage or they have DC. The fact he won't show you the statements is enough "evidence" and tells you all you need to know. Copy any paperwork and hide all your paperwork/ passports in a safe place outside the home. See a solicitor and LTB.

L0bstersLass · 01/09/2022 09:48

citygirl200 · 31/08/2022 23:07

You are all right. He has done far worse and I have not left him . The refusal is clear that there has been more transactions

we have a 12 year old. He is manipulative and I know he hides our family pot money . If I was to leave him he will be clever with our financial divides

I guess he has impacted me more than I know

feel so angry

Is he self-employed or does he work for a company? If he's on PAYE it will be much harder for him to hide what happens to his earnings.

Choconut · 01/09/2022 09:57

This man is out and out bad. Stop making excuses to put off leaving him (ie wanting to see bank statements) and just start the ball rolling. Phone Women's aid and get proper help as you need to be careful that he doesn't turn violent. Get yourself and your child away from him.

SpilltheTea · 01/09/2022 10:34

You know you need to leave. Of course he's lying, he's consistently been doing so for your entire relationship. He doesn't respect you and he will never change. You're showing your child that abuse is acceptable.

LemonDrop22 · 01/09/2022 10:41

If I was to leave him he will be clever with our financial divides

Forensic accountant

dudsville · 01/09/2022 11:12

That's a enuinely helpful post @MsDogLady .

KettrickenSmiled · 01/09/2022 13:27

we have a 12 year old. He is manipulative and I know he hides our family pot money . If I was to leave him he will be clever with our financial divides

Say nothing more about it OP. Let him think you are knuckling under as usual.
While you do that, find the best family lawyer you can. If you have anyone reliable & discreet, as for recommendations. Say nothing to him about your plans.
Find all the documentation you are able to lay hand on re: businesses, shares, pensions, savings, mortgage, any other assets.
Copy the lot & take them, along with your & DC passports, to be stored safely with your lawyer.

Only when you have done that - tell him it's over.
If you or you lawyer think he is hiding assets - pay for a forensic accountant. The money for that will have to come out of the family pot.

Talk to WA, get advice & handholding while you plan how to leave.
Especially as it transpired he is also violent toward you.
Any hint of aggression from him - call the police immediately. Tell them he has a hostory of coercive control & violence to you & you are scared for you & your child.

And ... keep posting.
Try to reframe this horrible shock as the wake up call you needed to finally galvanise yourself & get you & DC out from this horrible man's clutches. Flowers

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 01/09/2022 14:23

The first 7 years of your marriage he was having a relationship with another woman, he’s aggressive and financially controlling .
Honestly I just don’t get why you’re still there. It’s irrelevant weather he’s sending her money or how much or how often, you are being abused and your child is watching and learning what to expect from her future relationships.
why would anyone just suddenly send money to someone that they had no contact with anyway, he’s taking you for a mug

blockpavingismynightmare · 01/09/2022 14:31

OP You are the OW

Original poster
citygirl200 · 01/09/2022 14:50

Thank you all. You are all right in what you are saying. The problem lies with me. He had shown his colours. I have allowed him to do this too me. What is wrong with me?

i scared if I’m honest, as he is self employed… he will maud up stories that he owes people money … ie: fabricate crap to hide assests.

tells me I’m worthless etc

he threatens me that he will fight for our child. I guess I’m scared of unable to have 50% of our family pot and afraid of the chaos
yes we are legally married and he does life a bachelor lifestyle too

OP posts: