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Original poster

First date - what should I ask / look out for?

72 replies

Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 18:35

I’m 38, he’s 48. He works in finance. Never been married and doesn’t have kids, but wants both. So do I - with the right man.

Conversation has been pleasant and engaging so far - no red flags. He’s been single for 7 years and been online dating for 3-4 years. Is that the red flag?

OP posts:
rodeobobuk · 30/08/2022 20:05

As a bloke.. my instincts tell me at 48 he really does not want a family, he's just happy riding out the rest of his youngish years banging chicks from online dating.

Lying about family and being serious gets women into bed easier.

What does this man look like? Very handsome?

Sunnytwobridges · 30/08/2022 20:30

I actually think single for 7 years is a green flag. It shows he's okay being alone and doesnt jump from one relationship to the next. My ex could NOT be alone and was always with someone, but always ended up treating them like scum, because he just wanted sex on tap and someone to take care of him.

The only flag is his age and wanting children. If I wanted children I"m not sure I would date someone that was 48, I feel like he might want kids but could take them or leave them by that age.

GreengrocerFriend · 30/08/2022 20:37

I know you don't want to waste time, but even dating him for six weeks would answer many of these questions. Assuming you both wanted to.

Wakemeup17 · 30/08/2022 20:52

I agree with the majority that 48 that wants kids is a bit of a weird thing, he would have had them by now. I don't know any 48yo (and I am in that age bracket) that wanted kids and waited that long.
There are links to paternal age and autism in children, I think. The decline in sperm quality is also real and more chance of an unsuccessful pregnancy. (Not saying this will happen in every case, but the chances are higher with age).

Commonhealthgames · 30/08/2022 20:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Candleabra · 30/08/2022 20:58

He explained a common pattern he sees among his friends where partners change, and a break up follows. This could be weight gain, letting oneself go etc. It happens both ways to men and women, he explained, and you end up living as brother and sister.

This is a red flag to me. That’s a horrible thing to say. Tells you if you don’t keep making a big effort it’ll be over. No comfortable marriage for you. And children? Where you put on weight and are vulnerable? Again no.

Original poster
Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 21:04

rodeobobuk Thanks for the male perspective! He was handsome in his younger years, from what I can make out, but he's lost or certainly starting to lose his looks now. Looks like a dad bode, without being a dad. Lots of wrinkles. Not hot, basically. Still he's nice looking and presentable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 21:05

Candleabra Yep, I see it on Mumsnet a lot too. And admittedly, goes both ways. I don't get how shallow people can be either.

OP posts:
mscampbelle · 30/08/2022 21:06

Candleabra · 30/08/2022 20:58

He explained a common pattern he sees among his friends where partners change, and a break up follows. This could be weight gain, letting oneself go etc. It happens both ways to men and women, he explained, and you end up living as brother and sister.

This is a red flag to me. That’s a horrible thing to say. Tells you if you don’t keep making a big effort it’ll be over. No comfortable marriage for you. And children? Where you put on weight and are vulnerable? Again no.

I have to agree.
Loving relationships don't break up because people get older and put on weight.
If that's his take on things I would say he's a very superficial person who has never been in love (although at his age, maybe he has but it was a very long time ago!)

SimoneSimone · 30/08/2022 21:25

Maybe he left it late and didn't meet the right person yet. Go on the date, take it from there. If you can't make your mind up don't waste his time, he has less of it than you!

anthurium · 30/08/2022 21:34

At 48, I'd be thinking about the following: "Older paternal age delays conception, reduces the fertilisation rate and can lead to increased miscarriages or mental health disorders in the offspring."

Apl · 30/08/2022 21:45

PermanentTemporary · 30/08/2022 19:14

I'd say any man who has got to 48 without having children doesn't want them very much. Sorry.

I think all you have to ask when you're with them is 'am I genuinely enjoying myself? Would I like to see him again?'

But tbh I would assume children are unlikely and proceed accordingly.

This.

Honestly OP if you’re serious about children and age 38 and single I’d plan to have a child alone.

Original poster
Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 21:50

I can't afford it and wouldn't be able to cope on my own Apl I admire women who do it

OP posts:
MoistBandana · 30/08/2022 21:58

Just out of interest, does your profile on your chosen website tell prospective messengers that you want kids and marriage?
I know POF used to have those options.

Not that I'm saying this bloke is or has, but I'm positive some blokes target those who say they want kids and marriage.. bit of future faking and love bombing and they're in..

Original poster
Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 22:08

MoistBandana Yes I say I want kids. His says he wants them too in his profile. A lot of guys say 'Not sure', I swipe no to many like this. Many guys specifically state they are looking for something casual. I do believe this guy wants marriage and kids, as he specifies it on his bio (thereby ruling out women who just want something casual), but I am concerned by how long he has been single - nice looking guys, with good jobs, aren't usually single for 7 years for a good reason.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 30/08/2022 22:24

I went to see a house that was perfect on paper a few days ago... I understood why it ws still on the market as soon as I laid eyes on it.

I mean, go for a date. Break all the rules. Tell funny anecdotes about the hilarious kids you know and talk about your biological clock. As a bonus, say that conception sex makes you really horny. Maybe this is the one and only single 48 year old bloke in the world who really does want children and has just never quite met the right woman. I just wouldn't count on it.

Original poster
Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 22:25

Looks like I might as well give up. I have swiped through thousands, and thousands of men liking me. He was one of a handful who I liked back. I am feeling so down. I can't go it alone. I would like to meet someone. But it's just too hard. Maybe I should come to terms with, somehow, being single and childless for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
zonky · 30/08/2022 22:36

Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 21:50

I can't afford it and wouldn't be able to cope on my own Apl I admire women who do it

Do you tell your prospective partners that?

anthurium · 30/08/2022 22:38

Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 22:25

Looks like I might as well give up. I have swiped through thousands, and thousands of men liking me. He was one of a handful who I liked back. I am feeling so down. I can't go it alone. I would like to meet someone. But it's just too hard. Maybe I should come to terms with, somehow, being single and childless for the rest of my life.

Have you actually looked into what solo parenting by choice is like?

I'm a solo mum and conceived using a sperm donor aged 38/39. I'm happy to answer any questions, PM.

TobyEsterhase · 30/08/2022 22:41

I think you are more likely to enjoy your first date if your only objective is to ascertain whether you want a second date rather than concerning yourself with a persons past/projecting into the future/thinking about "red flags"

EVERYBODY has at least 1 red flag if you insist on looking for them

MoistBandana · 30/08/2022 22:43

Aww op. Don't give up.

Date the guy, but be prepared.

Take every piece of info on their profiles with a grain of salt. Even the messaging and such, it's all nonsense and lies until proven otherwise.

There is a dating thread around Mumsnet somewhere. I don't know what number it's at right now, but they've been running for ages.
I don't post on them but the posters there are great from what I've read. 😁

stealthninjamum · 30/08/2022 22:54

I don’t think being single for 7 years and not having kids by the age of 48 are red flags, women come on Mumsnet all the time saying they haven’t had kids and they’re 40 or saying they’ve not met anyone in years of online dating.

The comments about letting yourself go are shallow but again people are always on here talking about being like a brother / sister when the spark’s gone.

If there have been no other red flags like sex talk, slagging off exes then I’d go on the date and see what he’s like in person.

Original poster
Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 23:00

No I haven't anthurium but it scares me because I know what hard work it is and how much it costs to have a baby on your own. How did you manage to afford it? I have lots of nieces and nephews and cousins. I would definitely like an equal partner who will help me build me a family, a family we can enjoy together.

Thank you MoistBandana stealthninjamum TobyEsterhase and everyone else

OP posts:
anthurium · 30/08/2022 23:44

Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 23:00

No I haven't anthurium but it scares me because I know what hard work it is and how much it costs to have a baby on your own. How did you manage to afford it? I have lots of nieces and nephews and cousins. I would definitely like an equal partner who will help me build me a family, a family we can enjoy together.

Thank you MoistBandana stealthninjamum TobyEsterhase and everyone else

What do you mean by "how did I afford it", you mean the treatment? Or financially supporting a child?

I wouldn't say it's hard work, I have made changes, some sacrifices, but it isn't really "hard" it's a change in priorities. My son is absolutely worth it all, and I would it again if I had to.

It is much more stressful being on OLD in one's late 30s and trying to find a partner to settle down with honestly, I know because that was me 3 years ago.

You may not find an equal partner in time, so the question is what is more important finding a relationship or (trying) having a child as both in this point in time may not be possible. Nobody really knows what their fertilility is until they start trying and end up with a baby in their hands.

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