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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First date - what should I ask / look out for?

72 replies

Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 18:35

I’m 38, he’s 48. He works in finance. Never been married and doesn’t have kids, but wants both. So do I - with the right man.

Conversation has been pleasant and engaging so far - no red flags. He’s been single for 7 years and been online dating for 3-4 years. Is that the red flag?

OP posts:

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 30/08/2022 23:48

I think he has given you a huge hint by mentioning weight gain. I doubt he is an Adonis himself though but may well think that he bring some money and someone else should bring the looks to the relationship.

Turv · 30/08/2022 23:55

The fact that you are questioning these things is the red flag. Listen to your gut. If something feels wrong, move on and next. Don’t waste your time trying to analyse this and over think it. You don’t like his reasoning and I don’t think you believe what he is saying to be true about kids arc. Your gut feeling every time.

suzyscat · 31/08/2022 00:02

"And his last relationship ended because his partner changed and they broke up. He explained a common pattern he sees among his friends where partners change, and a break up follows. This could be weight gain, letting oneself go etc. It happens both ways to men and women, he explained, and you end up living as brother and sister."

This is your red flag right here.

Do not have a baby with someone who has clearly stated they will go off/ leave their partner over weight gain/ letting yourself go.

londonlass71 · 31/08/2022 00:07

I was single for 3 or 4 years before I met my current partner. Remember Covid was around for 2 years!

TedMullins · 31/08/2022 00:09

I don’t think these are particularly red flags, no. Loads of people are single for long periods if they just don’t meet the right person, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them. As for being shallow, well yes, but many people are. I love my boyfriend but I wouldn’t fancy him anymore if he put on a lot of weight and I probably would break up with him over it. I wouldn’t expect him to still be attracted to me if I put weight on either. I think a lot of people think that but just don’t say it. If you’re not OK with that then don’t date him. As for wanting kids, he could have just not felt any of his previous relationships were stable or serious enough to consider children. The only way you can find out what the real reasons are is to go on the date, and if you find yourself put off further just don’t meet him again.

TheOGCCL · 31/08/2022 00:13

I think some people think they will look weird or hard if they admit they don’t want children, especially to someone they don’t know very well or want to make a good impression with. Counterproductive though.

Tallisker · 31/08/2022 00:27

I met someone who was 47 and never married, hadn't had a serious relationship for quite a few years. He had been building a career and a house then started to look for a partner. We've now been married 15 years and we decided not to have children in the early days as we were so happy together. Still happy, we would have had children if we'd met earlier and we wish we had, but we didn't, we met in our 40s. Different for you, you're still in your 30s, my drive to have children got stronger the better I knew him but then the chances became slimmer as I reached mid then late 40s. But it wasn't really strong to start with, and we're very happy reaching (early) retirement together.

goldfinchonthelawn · 31/08/2022 07:43

Candleabra · 30/08/2022 20:58

He explained a common pattern he sees among his friends where partners change, and a break up follows. This could be weight gain, letting oneself go etc. It happens both ways to men and women, he explained, and you end up living as brother and sister.

This is a red flag to me. That’s a horrible thing to say. Tells you if you don’t keep making a big effort it’ll be over. No comfortable marriage for you. And children? Where you put on weight and are vulnerable? Again no.

Yes I find this odd. Of course people change. We're not string puppets. People put on weight or lose it, gain passionate interests in new fields of work, activism, hobbies or lose interest in things they once felt passionate about. People get ill and are unable to go at life with the energy they once had, or recover and find they have more opportunities than before. We don't meet someone and hope they will cast themselves in amber for the remainder of a relationship. That is a very emotionally immature desire.

DillonPanthersTexas · 31/08/2022 08:14

Do not have a baby with someone who has clearly stated they will go off/ leave their partner over weight gain/ letting yourself go.

I think gaining weight during and after pregnancy comes with a bit more understanding and is quite different to just 'letting yourself go'. Plenty of threads on here from women getting the 'ick' because their previously active DH has morphed into a sedentary couch potato. I am a very active person and have always been drawn to similarly sporty people. I would be disappointed if someone without good reason elected to just 'let themselves go'.

Aikko · 31/08/2022 08:25

It could be he's just been focused on his career, is coming up to 50 soon and realising he's missing out on a family life, and wants to experience that.

Whether this is true entirely depends on what kind of personality he is when you meet him.

Oopsiedaisyy · 31/08/2022 09:58

You are massively over thinking this, you haven't even met him.

Go on the date, see if there's even any attraction before you start planning your maternity leave.

And get other dates planned with others too. Its a numbers game

Frogium · 31/08/2022 11:18

There are so many of this type of man - late 40s, successful, never married, no kids, online dating. On the surface he is a catch but I know a few men like this and usually they are not emotionally available - they are usually quite picky, yes they do want marriage and kids someday because that is a marker of success, but probably not now, not yet. They have a lot of choice of women, from 22-42, and they are not in a hurry.

His comment shows a profound lack of understanding about relationships. That alone would be a huge red flag for me.

I bet he would totally change after a few dates, suddenly very busy, travelling for work, and if you continue, you will be posting here in a year asking why you are seeing him very little, why you haven't met his friends, where is it all going...

Of course this man might be a hidden gem, but likely he is like the ones I described

Original poster

Datingadvice · 31/08/2022 15:00

Frogium my thoughts exactly
he used to travel lots for work
now less so

OP posts:

Justanotherlittlename · 22/09/2022 14:58

Did you meet him @Datingadvice ?

Original poster

Datingadvice · 23/09/2022 12:08

Yes I did ! He seemed nice enough. We exchanged some messages. He said he wanted to see me again but it has been slow going. He seems too busy for this to go anywhere.

OP posts:

forgotoldusername · 23/09/2022 12:43

@Datingadvice then he's not interested. When they are they ALWAYS make time. I would advise you keep dating others

Opaljewel · 23/09/2022 12:49

All I would say is give him a chance. I don't think there is anything wrong with being single for a while. Almost feeds like something wrong with someone because they aren't in a relationship? Very outdated.

Just have a casual date and see where yoy go. You will most likely tell from then if you like him or not. Give him a chance at least.

Original poster

Datingadvice · 23/09/2022 13:01

I think this is why he is still single, never married aged 46 forgotoldusername He mentioned scarifying a relationship for work a few years ago.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 23/09/2022 14:37

Datingadvice · 30/08/2022 22:25

Looks like I might as well give up. I have swiped through thousands, and thousands of men liking me. He was one of a handful who I liked back. I am feeling so down. I can't go it alone. I would like to meet someone. But it's just too hard. Maybe I should come to terms with, somehow, being single and childless for the rest of my life.

Catastrophising a bit there.

But maybe childless if you aren't going to do it alone. But really...I never understood why people entertain broodiness when it isn't relevant yo them (not in a long term stable relationship with time, money an space to share). I understand 'wanting a family' but a family doesn't just have to mean having kids. There's lots of ways to create a family. Friendships, pets, partners. Fostering perhaps. Maybe you'll be an auntie. Or a godparent. And travel the world inbetween their visits.

You will find a nice partner. Probably several over your lifetime. Relationships are rarely happily ever afters. They are just company.

And kids may or may not be part of your life. But it's only a big deal if you let it be. Stop making having kids be the driving force of your life. You are worth so much more than that. Youare putting a stopgap to your own happiness.

Date and have some fun. We'll all be dead soon anyway. Just go woth the flow and enjoy the good stuff. Not focus on what you haven't got (yet)

forgotoldusername · 23/09/2022 18:30

@Datingadvice I work in IB too (i assume by finance you mean investment banking and not the finance department of the local NHS trust). Most of my 48 year old colleagues are married even those super super ambitious ones who make MD by the age of 37. And he knows very well that is the case. So the working 24/7 excuse doesn't wash.

I feel you're wasting time with this one - and I know you say you've read thousands of profile but keep reading and swiping. I don't know what apps you're using but there are a few decent men (I was fishing in a similar pool to yours) last time I looked, a few partners in law firms, lots of media types etc

So, good luck !

Hottimesahead · 23/09/2022 18:48

There is some pre judging. Go on the date and see. I am early 40s, no kids and now in a relationship.

I was single for over 7 years. Didn’t date for 5 years as I was too busy enjoying life, career and studying and didn’t think I would be single that long. Also fussy with who I date. A few things that lasted a few months.

I hope my partner doesn’t think I had red flags. He saw it as a positive as I had no kids to worry about and realised I had standards.

juat go and be careful

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/09/2022 18:50

Datingadvice · 23/09/2022 12:08

Yes I did ! He seemed nice enough. We exchanged some messages. He said he wanted to see me again but it has been slow going. He seems too busy for this to go anywhere.

I would take this as a red flag to be honest. I met DH online and he had a very very busy job, lots of late nights and staying away, it took us a while to meet but when we did he was keen to book the next meet up in ASAP and sacrificed his whole weekend/previous plans to make it happen. I hate to be cliche but if he wants to, he will.

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