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Original poster

Puppy -I want one, DH says no, AIBU?

64 replies

wobblymum1 · 28/08/2022 13:15

Can’t work out if I’m being pushy and unreasonable here.
2 kids, I work from home and am primary parent most of the time (drop off/ pick up for school, dinner and bedtime then DH gets home.
Kids are 9 and 6 so lovely age for a dog, and my 9 year old has anxiety and asd and his therapist is very pro- dogs at home as a source of comfort.
Important to say here DH is very defensive over this as doesn’t believe he has any additional needs and it’s just me having been overly worried about him.

facts: would be doing the lion’s share with the puppy as I’m at home all day working, it would be a shih tsu which I’ve has a few of over my life and are easy dogs, don’t require much walking, just lots of cuddles which the kids and I are very ready for! There is a puppy available who is at low cost as sale fell thru etc etc.

DH is so against it and has said bottom line “no way”. Says
too much expense, he would be the one having walking it and dealing with it and he doesn’t want to.

i have said I would do 95% of it as I’m at home working and any messes at start I’ll clean up.

he just says “no”. Thinks I am following the herd of “everyone” getting a dog in lockdown and I need to be stricter with not getting the kids all they want. I’ve said this is just as much to do with me as them, working from home alone all day is a bit lonely and I’d like a dog to walk at lunch and the kids would love it too.

who is unreasonable here? me or him? Both? thanks all.

OP posts:
TheGuv1982 · 28/08/2022 13:16

Have you had a puppy before?

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 28/08/2022 13:21

I have, I had a puppy when I met him and he loved her very much and he became her’s too. She died 5 years ago and I’ve been hoping to get another one for about a year now the kids are at a good age for one and I’m working from home full time.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 28/08/2022 13:32

You both need to be in agreement.

Dogs are expensive to keep/insure and your dh may be worried about money.

I'd leave it to see how you cope with costs this winter and ask again in the spring.

TheGuv1982 · 28/08/2022 13:34

wobblymum1 · 28/08/2022 13:21

I have, I had a puppy when I met him and he loved her very much and he became her’s too. She died 5 years ago and I’ve been hoping to get another one for about a year now the kids are at a good age for one and I’m working from home full time.

Ah fair enough, you know what your getting into in terms of the hard work (not sure I could cope with a puppy again).

I think the expense concern is valid, but wouldn’t say either of you are being overly unreasonable. My partner was resistant to getting another dog too, but we finally agreed on getting a rescue that was already trained.

I know all kids are different, but mine made the noises of wanting a dog at the same age as yours and (imagine my shock) soon didn’t seem so keen on the care aspects - especially dog walks.

billy1966 · 28/08/2022 13:38

He doesn't share the parenting load and is a bully?

Are you happily married?

Your son's needs come ahead of his fathers denial.

Put YOUR foot down and give some thought to exactly how happy your marriage is.

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 28/08/2022 13:41

No, we are
not. it’s been a hard road and I’m struggling to find a way to work out our future but I’ll get there. A puppy would not change or alter any of this, I’m not naive, but I don’t want to put life on hold until that all gets figured out. he does have bullying tendencies for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblymum1 · 28/08/2022 13:42

Sorry I should add: but for now we are still married and I’m the same house so I didn’t feel it was reasonable to go and bring a new addition to the house without his agreement. I try hard to avoid conflict where I can.

OP posts:
mushforbrain · 28/08/2022 13:47

I don’t think either of you are being particularly unreasonable but you definitely need him on board to bring a puppy into the house. What happens if you are ill and the dog needs a walk/taking to the vets? Would he do that or would he refuse to help out because he never wanted it in the first place? Also if your marriage isn’t in a good place in the first place, insisting on something he 100% doesn’t want is not a good idea, whether he’s a bully or not. It’s his house too and if he doesn’t want a dog, then I wouldn’t get one, it will just lead to more frustration for you.
I would wait and see what is happening with your marriage first.

Lulibee · 28/08/2022 13:51

As you know dogs, especially puppies need a lot of attention. Be realistic about how much time you could really give beyond walking and grooming. I had a dog when my children were young and I ended up frazzled. But I worked out of the house so the fact you are at home could make it a lot easier. Key is having a calm dog but that takes a lot of investment of your time.

Our youngest son is about to move out, hubby has just retired and I’m thinking of getting a second dog, but I’m a bit worried about the extra time, mess, cost. Don’t rush into it, write down the pros and cons and choose a breed that has the personality/temperament to hit in with family life.

LetsGoNorth · 28/08/2022 13:53

Neither of you are bu.

But everyone needs to be onboard for a new pet...getting one against someone's wishes would be very ur.

CatsAreCrackers · 28/08/2022 14:12

Much as I love dogs and your reasons for having one are valid, I believe if there is a "no" in the camp then that has to take precedence. A dog is a huge, long term, expensive commitment. How are finances? Can you easily afford insurance / food / equipment / misc expenses that come with pet ownership? If you are ill, will you expect your husband to step up? Even if you do 95% of the work, 5% will feel a lot if he doesn't want the dog in the first place. And he will have to put up with the accidents early on and then hair all over the place, getting underfoot, wanting pets and cuddles etc.

It sounds like your relationship is already at breaking point. This might be the straw that finishes it. That may or may not be a good thing though...

I'll be honest, if the situation were reversed and it was your husband wanting the dog, pretty much everyone would be saying absolutely not!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/08/2022 14:15

There is a poster on here with a French bulldog in need of a new home. Maybe get an adult instead of a puppy?

Kanaloa · 28/08/2022 14:19

If somebody in a house/family doesn’t want a dog, you shouldn’t get a dog. It’s not fair to live with a dog you don’t want, and it’s not fair for a dog to live with somebody who doesn’t want it.

If he is a bully then that needs addressing separately, and your energy would be better poured into looking at whether you want to spend your life with a bully.

VioletCharlotte · 28/08/2022 14:21

I would deal with the relationship issues first. If you separate and have to move into rented with a dog in tow, it can be really hard to be somewhere (been there!)

You're not being unreasonable to want a dog, they can enhance your life in so many ways and are so beneficial to children, but I think you should work out first whether or not you want to stay together.

Jellybean23 · 28/08/2022 14:23

Puppies are like babies, they don't make an iffy marriage better.

Original poster
wobblymum1 · 28/08/2022 14:33

Thanks everyone.

just to be clear I know a puppy won’t fix anything, I’m not sure anything would. It’s more that I feel I personally am at
a good place to do the whole
Puppy thing working from home full time.

the expenses are
valid and I could cover them by reigning in some unnecessary takeaways and a hobby that definitely isn’t vital!

seems the general feel is that while we are still together though it’s not reasonable for me to bring one in as he feels so strongly against it.

thanks Everyone, really appreciate it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/08/2022 14:41

Indeed probably best to sort out your long term plans and add a dog after some decisions have been made.

Mind yourself 👍

SunnyD44 · 28/08/2022 15:00

YABU even though I agree that a puppy would suit your family/lifestyle but you both need to be on board.

The biggest issue here is your flaky relationship.

Getting a puppy will absolutely make it even worse.

Either break up and then get one or don’t get one and work on the marriage.

2bazookas · 28/08/2022 15:03

Its unfortunate he doesn't want a dog , but I think it's wrong to get a dog when one partner is so against it. A bit like insisting a partner who doesn't want children, or to buy property, must go along with a partner who does want those things.

Apart from that, it sounds as if you're using the dog argument to distract from the far more serious issue in your family and marriage , which is the oceans-apart opinions about your child and how to parent him. That's a potential home-breaker and a cuddly puppy will do nothing to resolve those differences.

Otterock · 28/08/2022 15:05

I would strongly recommend researching your local vets first. Many continue to be short staffed and as a consequence are not taking on new clients so you may find yourself with a new puppy but no health care for it.

If you find one that is, check their prices and their out of hours provisions - most don’t cover their own ooh and as a consequence their outsource may be an hour or more away depending on how far you live from the clinic.

please also research your breed, their common health problems and insurance. Don’t just go with the cheapest - read what they will and won’t cover and what kind of policy you’re getting (lifetime, annual etc)

Ishacoco · 28/08/2022 15:05

This won't be a popular view, but if I were you I would just get the puppy.

I felt v strongly when mine were little that they should grow up with a dog around. I'd grown up with dogs, etc., I was an experienced owner, I was a SAHM, no need for outside care or anything, we could easily afford insurance and vet care, vaccinations, grooming, etc. and I'd been pleading with him to get a dog for years. DH absolutely point blank refused. I didn't want to go against him so we didn't get one.

Then one day I woke up and realised just how strongly I felt about this. I contacted a breeder, bought a puppy and brought him home - all without telling DH. The first he knew of it was when I walked through the door with the puppy in my arms.

He was LIVID. I calmly explained how much I wanted a dog and how important I thought it was for the children, but I said if he still felt the same way after 3/4 days then I would return to the breeder.

Long story short, he absolutely fell in love with our boy, discovered he loved having a dog and very quickly admitted that he had been completely wrong to refuse to get one. And this is not a man who admits fault EVER 😂

Personally I don't think it was a 'fault' thing, I think he held a very strong opinion that he didn't want a dog and refused to reconsider. He will happily say now that this was the wrong approach, he adores our spaniel completely.

So make of that what you will......!

oviraptor21 · 28/08/2022 15:13

Please don't do this ^^ I'd walk out the door and not come back if my DP did this to me.

Kanaloa · 28/08/2022 15:16

oviraptor21 · 28/08/2022 15:13

Please don't do this ^^ I'd walk out the door and not come back if my DP did this to me.

Same. And how patronising to ‘calmly explain’ that you want a puppy so whether or not he wants one doesn’t matter. What a shitty way to treat your partner.

Boxofsockss · 28/08/2022 15:24

I think if you partner is adamant you need to respect the decision. If you go against it, you need to be mindful that is your partner never takes to having a dog, it could cause a lot of issues. Do you want to be arguing about a dog he never wanted ? Is there not another animal everyone would be happy to have? A rabbit? A cat even?

CatsAreCrackers · 28/08/2022 15:25

Ishacoco · 28/08/2022 15:05

This won't be a popular view, but if I were you I would just get the puppy.

I felt v strongly when mine were little that they should grow up with a dog around. I'd grown up with dogs, etc., I was an experienced owner, I was a SAHM, no need for outside care or anything, we could easily afford insurance and vet care, vaccinations, grooming, etc. and I'd been pleading with him to get a dog for years. DH absolutely point blank refused. I didn't want to go against him so we didn't get one.

Then one day I woke up and realised just how strongly I felt about this. I contacted a breeder, bought a puppy and brought him home - all without telling DH. The first he knew of it was when I walked through the door with the puppy in my arms.

He was LIVID. I calmly explained how much I wanted a dog and how important I thought it was for the children, but I said if he still felt the same way after 3/4 days then I would return to the breeder.

Long story short, he absolutely fell in love with our boy, discovered he loved having a dog and very quickly admitted that he had been completely wrong to refuse to get one. And this is not a man who admits fault EVER 😂

Personally I don't think it was a 'fault' thing, I think he held a very strong opinion that he didn't want a dog and refused to reconsider. He will happily say now that this was the wrong approach, he adores our spaniel completely.

So make of that what you will......!

What a shitty disrespectful thing to do to your partner. I'm another one that would have walked out if you had done that. And I love dogs. But if for whatever reason I felt we shouldn't have one and my husband decided to go ahead against my objections and just bring one home, I'd be furious. You just lucked out that your husband fell for your trick.

It's also a really shitty thing to do to the puppy, take it away from it's mother and use it as a pawn for a few days and then if it didn't work out just throw it back at the breeder like a stuffed toy? Did the breeder agree to you using her pup as a test subject? I'll bet she didn't and if she did, she's a really crappy breeder with no care for her pups!