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Original poster

Puppy -I want one, DH says no, AIBU?

64 replies

wobblymum1 · 28/08/2022 13:15

Can’t work out if I’m being pushy and unreasonable here.
2 kids, I work from home and am primary parent most of the time (drop off/ pick up for school, dinner and bedtime then DH gets home.
Kids are 9 and 6 so lovely age for a dog, and my 9 year old has anxiety and asd and his therapist is very pro- dogs at home as a source of comfort.
Important to say here DH is very defensive over this as doesn’t believe he has any additional needs and it’s just me having been overly worried about him.

facts: would be doing the lion’s share with the puppy as I’m at home all day working, it would be a shih tsu which I’ve has a few of over my life and are easy dogs, don’t require much walking, just lots of cuddles which the kids and I are very ready for! There is a puppy available who is at low cost as sale fell thru etc etc.

DH is so against it and has said bottom line “no way”. Says
too much expense, he would be the one having walking it and dealing with it and he doesn’t want to.

i have said I would do 95% of it as I’m at home working and any messes at start I’ll clean up.

he just says “no”. Thinks I am following the herd of “everyone” getting a dog in lockdown and I need to be stricter with not getting the kids all they want. I’ve said this is just as much to do with me as them, working from home alone all day is a bit lonely and I’d like a dog to walk at lunch and the kids would love it too.

who is unreasonable here? me or him? Both? thanks all.

OP posts:
Ishacoco · 28/08/2022 15:25

I did say it was controversial.....

However I did exactly the right thing for me and our family and I don't regret a thing.

PeekAtYou · 28/08/2022 15:28

Neither of you are unreasonable about the dog but he is a massive sick about your child's additional needs.

Roses77 · 28/08/2022 15:30

If he doesn’t want a dog, you can’t get a dog.
That’s it.

Ariela · 28/08/2022 15:33

Why not register for doggie day care and take in friends nicely behaved slightly older dogs, earn a little ££ out if it and see what he says then? Cannot begrudge you having a few nicer dogs about if they earn you money. And if you're walking them (to get paid) then a puppy will fit in nicely

CatsAreCrackers · 28/08/2022 15:33

Ishacoco · 28/08/2022 15:25

I did say it was controversial.....

However I did exactly the right thing for me and our family and I don't regret a thing.

I'm genuinely glad it turned out okay but what a thoughtless and cruel way to treat an animal, as a test-subject in your power play. I really hope the OP doesn't take your risk.

If it had been you coming on here to say your DH had done what you did, it would pretty much be a unanimous LTB. With good reason.

Changemaname1 · 28/08/2022 15:34

If one person doesn’t want a dog then it’s a no

I love dogs , follow cute dog pages on Instagram , love seeing them when out and about , loved my childhood dog so much etc etc etc

I do not want a dog . At all. Can’t be doing with the responsibility, the mess , the extra cost, mud , hairs eughhh all of it . I’m single so that’s fine but if I end up with someone and they want one it will still be a no from me

I’d be furious if I had a partner just rock up home with a new puppy . I’d probably leave !

Aikko · 28/08/2022 15:38

Inflation is running rampant right now, and the cost of everything will be soaring. Puppys/dogs are expensive to keep and look after. They are a lifelong commitment, and also restrict you in some ways in doing other things such as travelling etc...

I'd put this on the back burner and wait until next Spring and see if you still feel the same then, have another discussion.

Isthislife · 30/08/2022 12:09

It's unfair to get a dog if your DH doesn't want one. You don't have to like his decision but you do need to respect it. He's making his decision based on having had a dog previously so it's not like he doesn't know what it will be like. I know how you feel as I would be devastated if my DH didn't want a dog. But his feelings are just as valid as yours. If you get a dog you are taking a massive risk to the poor dog that it will have to live with a grown man who dislikes it.

We have not long had a puppy. DH and I both WFH. It is still really hard work. I will be on a video call and the puppy wants to go out. I have to dash to the door to prevent an accident. Or she is running wild while I am trying to hold a serious conversation. The thing that keeps me sane is my husband being on board and loving the puppy as much as I do and we both look after her. If he was unwilling to help the whole situation would be unworkable for me.

Dery · 30/08/2022 13:33

Agree with PP - put the dog on hold for now and see what happens with your relationship. I know of people who walk friends’ dogs and that kind of thing - could you arrange that kind of compromise?

DreamofGenies · 30/08/2022 15:34

Well, I am a lone voice here.

But I think it’s v selfish and unfeeling of your DH. I really do.

It would make you happier. Your children happier. It’s no skin of his nose. He’s not allergic to dogs or anything. You’d be doing the main care. It’s company for you in the day when you work alone. You had dogs before including when you met/married him, and he even liked the dog.

Sorry, but how unfeeling and selfish of him. I would not let a man/husband rule the roost like this over something that means so much to me and my children. Honestly, I actually am not sure I could get past this. (PS I can’t remember if he gave any real reasons for “his” decision. Do you think there’s a chance he misses the old dog, when he died etc).

Justcallmebebes · 30/08/2022 15:37

Your son's needs come ahead of his fathers denial.

🙄

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 30/08/2022 15:44

DreamofGenies · 30/08/2022 15:34

Well, I am a lone voice here.

But I think it’s v selfish and unfeeling of your DH. I really do.

It would make you happier. Your children happier. It’s no skin of his nose. He’s not allergic to dogs or anything. You’d be doing the main care. It’s company for you in the day when you work alone. You had dogs before including when you met/married him, and he even liked the dog.

Sorry, but how unfeeling and selfish of him. I would not let a man/husband rule the roost like this over something that means so much to me and my children. Honestly, I actually am not sure I could get past this. (PS I can’t remember if he gave any real reasons for “his” decision. Do you think there’s a chance he misses the old dog, when he died etc).

But it's OK for the wife to rule the roost? A marriage is a partnership and this decision is nearly as big as whether you should have bring a child into the relationship.

Aprilx · 30/08/2022 15:51

Ishacoco · 28/08/2022 15:05

This won't be a popular view, but if I were you I would just get the puppy.

I felt v strongly when mine were little that they should grow up with a dog around. I'd grown up with dogs, etc., I was an experienced owner, I was a SAHM, no need for outside care or anything, we could easily afford insurance and vet care, vaccinations, grooming, etc. and I'd been pleading with him to get a dog for years. DH absolutely point blank refused. I didn't want to go against him so we didn't get one.

Then one day I woke up and realised just how strongly I felt about this. I contacted a breeder, bought a puppy and brought him home - all without telling DH. The first he knew of it was when I walked through the door with the puppy in my arms.

He was LIVID. I calmly explained how much I wanted a dog and how important I thought it was for the children, but I said if he still felt the same way after 3/4 days then I would return to the breeder.

Long story short, he absolutely fell in love with our boy, discovered he loved having a dog and very quickly admitted that he had been completely wrong to refuse to get one. And this is not a man who admits fault EVER 😂

Personally I don't think it was a 'fault' thing, I think he held a very strong opinion that he didn't want a dog and refused to reconsider. He will happily say now that this was the wrong approach, he adores our spaniel completely.

So make of that what you will......!

You are right that won’t be popular. It is disgusting, disrespectful, unfair on the puppy that might have found himself dumped after a few days of settling in. You are lucky your relationship survived pulling a stunt like that.

To OP, no you can’t get a dog. Neither of you are being unreasonable, but when one wants a dog and the other doesn’t, unfortunately the one that doesn’t trumps the one that does.

DreamofGenies · 30/08/2022 15:52

I stand by what I say. I think it’s a different issue too.

DreamofGenies · 30/08/2022 15:53

Oops, That was meant for @WhatATimeToBeAlive

DreamofGenies · 30/08/2022 15:53

I mean, to having children, including g all the factors for it.

gannett · 30/08/2022 15:54

It’s no skin of his nose

I don't understand how you can possibly think another living animal in the same house that you have to care for is "no skin off his nose"? It's obvious how much work, time and money pets involve - for EVERYONE in the household. Saying it won't affect one person is bollocks.

Speaking as someone who adores dogs but doesn't particularly want to own one at this point due to aforementioned obvious work, time and money.

thefoggiest · 30/08/2022 15:59

Its disrespectful to get a dog when your partner is against it

Its irresponsible to bring an animal into your life when potentially your living situation is about to change and you're going into the unknown

You may well find yourself having to work and care for your kids alone if the relationship implodes and ends badly. And yet you'd like to throw an animal into the mix? Against the backdrop of a cost of living crisis?

It's predictable that you are angling for a puppy. By the way, all dog breeds need walking.

YABU

wellhelloitsme · 30/08/2022 15:59

Kids are 9 and 6 so lovely age for a dog, and my 9 year old has anxiety and asd and his therapist is very pro- dogs at home as a source of comfort. Important to say here DH is very defensive over this as doesn’t believe he has any additional needs and it’s just me having been overly worried about him.

Your 'D'H denies your son's diagnoses which means he cannot adequately support him.

To be frank, you have more immediate issues than getting a dog.

I can't see how this environment will be nurturing and secure enough for your son to thrive in long term, especially due to his diagnoses.

A puppy would not change or alter any of this, I’m not naive, but I don’t want to put life on hold until that all gets figured out.

Adding a dog to the mix, unwanted by one of the two adults in the house, is asking for chaos, resentment and tension.

I think it would be better to focus on a plan to combat the issues with your husband before thinking about pets.

I can't see how staying with someone who denies your son's diagnoses can be a viable option but I appreciate that's easier said than done.

DreamofGenies · 30/08/2022 16:01

I’m not going to enter into an argument with people here, who are being a bit confrontational too. This is my opinion. I wanted to give an alternative view as I don’t think the OP is being unreasonable.

I hope you sort it out OP …. Flowers

pastaandpesto · 30/08/2022 16:03

Would you consider a cat instead of a dog, OP?

My DD was struggling a lot with mental health issues this time last year and was desperate for a cat. We bought a ragdoll kitten from a reputable breeder and I am so pleased we did it. He really has been a massive source of positivity for my DD and the rest of the family adore him too - and he is 1000% less work than a dog.

I really, really don't think you can bring a dog into a household where someone doesn't want one. I like dogs up to a point but I would absolutely not want one in my home, or the massive tie of caring for one. Dog ownership really is a lifestyle. A cat on the other hand is a totally different proposition, and I think (allergies aside) it would be less unreasonable to ask a non-cat lover to put up with a cat than to ask a non-dog lover to put up with a dog iyswim.

Luckymummytoone · 30/08/2022 16:07

Such a shame he’s against a pup - I got our pup for my son who is also very anxious and has asd! Seeing the bond they have is amazing and she has helped his anxiety so much! 🥰

Wexone · 30/08/2022 16:12

I would be a big no on this. And i am a huge dog lover. A dog is a basically a child, so you are going to bring another child into the house, into an unhappy house by the sounds of it. Sort your marriage out 1st. And if you do then decide to get a dog, please adopt do not go to a breeder. Shelters are full of unwanted dogs at the mo due to the covid puppy boom and now people realise that they are hard work

Indoctro · 30/08/2022 16:26

He has a point they are expensive

I'm £2 a day to feed mine , so about £60 a month and another £40 for insurance

Do you have a spare £100 a month.?

LexiconofLimes · 30/08/2022 17:44

Any post on MN about pets, you do get a lot of patronising rudeness - even to an OP who has clearly owned said pets in the past!, knows what they are like to look after, is clearly a a responsible and caring person and nothing to suggest otherwise.

It’s a bit of a patronising know-all lady-of-the-manor attitude I’m afraid. Best not to post on this subject, as one can see here.

Good luck OP!