Puppy -I want one, DH says no, AIBU?

[wobblymum1]

Can’t work out if I’m being pushy and unreasonable here.
2 kids, I work from home and am primary parent most of the time (drop off/ pick up for school, dinner and bedtime then DH gets home.
Kids are 9 and 6 so lovely age for a dog, and my 9 year old has anxiety and asd and his therapist is very pro- dogs at home as a source of comfort.
Important to say here DH is very defensive over this as doesn’t believe he has any additional needs and it’s just me having been overly worried about him.

facts: would be doing the lion’s share with the puppy as I’m at home all day working, it would be a shih tsu which I’ve has a few of over my life and are easy dogs, don’t require much walking, just lots of cuddles which the kids and I are very ready for! There is a puppy available who is at low cost as sale fell thru etc etc.

DH is so against it and has said bottom line “no way”. Says
too much expense, he would be the one having walking it and dealing with it and he doesn’t want to.

i have said I would do 95% of it as I’m at home working and any messes at start I’ll clean up.

he just says “no”. Thinks I am following the herd of “everyone” getting a dog in lockdown and I need to be stricter with not getting the kids all they want. I’ve said this is just as much to do with me as them, working from home alone all day is a bit lonely and I’d like a dog to walk at lunch and the kids would love it too.

who is unreasonable here? me or him? Both? thanks all.

All the issues in your relationship aside, finding a puppy where “the sale has fallen through and it’s available” is classic puppy farm talk.

I wouldn’t touch a puppy like that with a barge pole.

Any post on MN about pets, you do get a lot of patronising rudeness - even to an OP who has clearly owned said pets in the past!, knows what they are like to look after, is clearly a a responsible and caring person and nothing to suggest otherwise.

It’s a bit of a patronising know-all lady-of-the-manor attitude I’m afraid. Best not to post on this subject, as one can see here.

Good luck OP!

Is your Ds diagnosed with Asd or on the pathway,? Of diagnosed dealing with this would be my priority..

One of my ds',s friends ( teen ) didn't want a dog.. it happened.. he still resents dog.

Not everyone wants a dog

A few years ago I was in your situation, but I was your DH and vice versa. I was adamant I didn’t want a pup but DH worn me down and I reluctantly agreed.
fast forward a few years, I love the dog sooo much. Best thing we did. My DC are similar age to yours and I cannot imagine our family being without him.

so my advise would persist! 😄

How does that work then? 3 of them seem to be in favour of it...how come his wishes trumps theirs?

Hmm, I don't like dogs at all. Does your husband even like them? We've had to look after my husband's dad's dog a few afternoons and it's really old and quiet so you almost forget it's there but I just don't have any feelings for it. Just being there not making a noise I still find irritating. Dogs that bark or need attention all the time I would absolutely hate! The smell as well, I got home from work and could smell dog the second i walked though the door when it had only been in our house a couple of hours .

Dogs are a nuisance. Make a mess, they are time-consuming and socializing needs planning. Expensive as they age.
I can't wait till ours is gone.
Nightmare on 4 legs.

We’re not talking about which film to watch or what to have for tea, we’re talking about a living creature that will have a significant impact on a family. It’s not that one persons wishes trumps others, its that ALL people have to agree to something like this.
We’ve had dogs for most of our married life. DH loves them, but when our last dod died he swore he would never have another one. I completely respect his wishes even though I’d love another dog.

We had dogs for years and there was so much heartache when we lost the two of them within 9 weeks of each other that we said no more. Much as I would love to have another dog, they are a huge amount of work and commitment as you know. You definately both need to be 100% on board and fully committed.

Thanks so much everyone. Really appreciate all your advice and points.

I think I’m stuck because as our relationship is….wobbly (I’m tired and can’t think of a better word) I’m struggling to accept that what I think would be a lovely thing for me and the kids can’t happen because he says “no”.

on the other hand, so many of you have said that while we are still formally together I do have an obligation to consider his feelings on it and it’s not fair to bring in a puppy he doesn’t want.

i know I could look after it just fine, I grew up with dogs and had one for most of my adult life until she passed 6 years ago and working from home is perfect for a new pet.

i don’t want to cause any more stress or arguments in our home, the puppy
i hoped would bring some love and laughter to the kids and me and I’d hoped he’d agree as he really won’t be overly responsible for it (unless I end up in hospital which I hope isn’t likely etc).

ideally I’d like him to agree to it because of how ouch the kids and I want one but he’s not and that’s just how it is.

again, thank you to you all 🌻

He is technically on the pathway thought Camhs have said he has it, alongside
anxiety, we are just waiting for final assessment.

OP,
No dog here, I don't want the responsibility and because of how busy my children are I have always known it would be down to me, as other friends have found to their cost!

Husband is far to garden proud to want one too.

However, if I thought one would be of benefit to a struggling child, I would suck it up.

Your husband denies the truth about your childs reality, is a bit of a bully and is actively putting himself ahead of his childs best interests.

I think you need to be seriously rethinking your marriage and fast.

Why?

Because your childs issues are not going away, and the sooner you can alleviate them the better.

You are bowing to a selfish bully who is denying your son something that would help him.

Will he be an involved supportive parent to your son as his situation deteriorates?

Or will that be all down to you?

If it will be, then time is of the essence and I think you need to start actively looking at how a separation would look for you.

Kids are 9 and 6 so lovely age for a dog, and my 9 year old has anxiety and asd and his therapist is very pro- dogs at home as a source of comfort.
Important to say here DH is very defensive over this as doesn’t believe he has any additional needs and it’s just me having been overly worried about him.

He does have bullying tendencies for sure.

You don't have a puppy problem.
You have a DH problem. And, given your "we are still married & in the same house" it seems like you are fully aware of this.

Do you want to leave him OP?

Don't do it OP. Your marriage sounds precarious and this is not the right time to add a puppy into the mix. It sounds very much like this could be a relationship at the end of its lifespan, which very often can mean pets end up being rehomed due to "change in circumstances ", not fair on the dog.