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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me working ..husband can't/won't cope

55 replies

Saskia63 · 28/08/2022 11:11

Hi

I have been married for 27 years and have two grown up children. I am 58.

My husband is 65 and because of ill health cannot work. He isn't in a wheel hair..although I am his registered carer.

There are a lot of issues in our marriage. The main one being that he goes ballistic if I mention going to work even just 2 hours a day. He relies heavily on me
He has no friends or family.

We are on benefits..but it would really help if I could top up our income even just by 14 hours a week. I have tried to work..but he sulks..has tantrums..rings me constantly whilst I am working. Then he wants a full run down of what I have said to my work colleagues.

He has been told he has BPO which I agree he has. However having no money and being prevented from working is affecting my mental health.

I have tried to get him involved in groups/classes whilst I would be working.. but he goes once and says no.one talks to him.but I know him.
He doesn't make any effort to make friends.

Thank you for reading..and any suggestions anyone would have would be greatly appreciated.

Saskia63

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/08/2022 11:13

Leave!

GreenManalishi · 28/08/2022 11:14

Poor you, this sounds horrible. I'm presuming leaving him isn't an option?

GeorgeorRuth · 28/08/2022 11:19

I feel for you OP, I'm similar but I do work FT, but i get the constant calls but he understands the need. I'm constantly guilt tripped about any leisure time away from the house, but in 20 +years he has made no effort to build interests or hobbies, just sits in front of tv. Our 'friends' put in a courtesy visit one or twice a year, he just sits there with nothing to say.

I am frustrated to say the least. I'm not about to slide into old age because he won't make any effort.

BlueSuffragette · 28/08/2022 11:19

It sounds like he has worn you down over the years. You need to do this for you. He has to deal with it. Get a part time job. Getting out of the house and talking to other people will do your mental health good. Turn your phone off at work. Going home may cause stress but you can't live like a caged bird. Live your life, don't let him dictate and ruin what time you've got left.

Tuilpmouse · 28/08/2022 11:23

GeorgeorRuth · 28/08/2022 11:19

I feel for you OP, I'm similar but I do work FT, but i get the constant calls but he understands the need. I'm constantly guilt tripped about any leisure time away from the house, but in 20 +years he has made no effort to build interests or hobbies, just sits in front of tv. Our 'friends' put in a courtesy visit one or twice a year, he just sits there with nothing to say.

I am frustrated to say the least. I'm not about to slide into old age because he won't make any effort.

Why do you stay!?!

BluOcty · 28/08/2022 11:27

You don't have to stay married to someone unreasonable. Even if they suffer ill health that wasn't their fault.

dizzydizzydizzy · 28/08/2022 11:32

Gosh that sounds awful, OP. In fact it sounds like domestic abuse because your DH is trying to prevent you having a life. Have you tried talking things through with your GP? Or you could try your local Women's Aid group. I talked through my domestic situation with my GP and she was very sympathetic and helpful.

Bananalanacake · 28/08/2022 11:34

The calling you at work and asking everything you have said is because he is controlling not because he's too ill to work.

Alpha1Delta22445 · 28/08/2022 11:34

Get a job, get more than one job
He cannot stop you

Many work places do not allow mobile phones or turn the phone off

Why does he seem to have all the power ?

Cavvies · 28/08/2022 11:36

You have absolutely no obligation whatsoever to look after him. None. Zero.

yiu are still young.

leave him. Split the assets and get a job. And have a wonderful rest of your life.

I repeat you have no obligation to stay with him whatsoever

Ihaveoflate · 28/08/2022 11:42

Switch your phone off at work and if he makes your life intolerable, make plans to leave.

I know that's easy for me to say, but this is your life and you only get one. Your husband's ill health is not a reason to stay in an abusive marriage. Try to separate his health conditions from his behaviour - one does not excuse the other.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/08/2022 11:43

Blimey op he's got you well and truly controlled. Why are you still with him?

blockpavingismynightmare · 28/08/2022 11:45

He is a bully OP. Stand up to him and tell him you will not do what he says. You are not his servant as much as he would like you to be. He wants your life but it is not his to take.
He does not love you if he treats you like this

Pussycat22 · 28/08/2022 11:51

Get rid.

Original poster
Saskia63 · 28/08/2022 11:56

Thank you everyone... I have no idea why I can't leave him.. I don't hate him.. but as someone said above he has worn me down over the years.. all I want is him to say I understand you need to work.. not have a tantrum and/or sulk.. but I know in my heart of hearts that will never happen.

I am annoyed with myself that I just can't leave him.. or say f.... off I am working..like it or lump it.

Beginning to think there is something wrong with me..

OP posts:
MiauzenKatzenjammer · 28/08/2022 11:59

He is abusive. His poor health is not an excuse for that. You can get a job without his permission and you do not have to tell him where you are working, or keep your personal mobile turned on when you are at work.

Cavvies · 28/08/2022 12:05

You don’t have to hate him to leave him.

But you do have to value yourself.

why do you think that you deserve to sacrifice your life for him?

i assume thst you life in the uk so are fortunate that there is a welfare state and there is other support for him - not that it’s your responsibility- but still I can understand why it would be harder to leave if he then might starve etc! But he won’t - his quality of life will probably decline because eh doesn’t have a servant on hand but so what. That’s on him.

honestly op do you really want 30 more years of this? He’s only going to get worse.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 12:12

Set yourself free from this nightmare. You are allowing yourself to be trapped by this horrible, abusive man. Show your children that it's never too late to change your life.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/08/2022 12:13

Are you sure you don’t want to leave OP? That is one controlling and unpleasant man.

If you do want to stay, of course go to work, and don’t put up with any nonsense from him. Are your children supportive?

Fireflygal · 28/08/2022 12:18

He won't change and accept you working so you need to decide if you are willing to submit to his control or decide you live your life.

I would say - live your life. Tell him he's controlling and you will work- don't give in to his emotional manipulation. Imagine it's a toddler testing your boundaries, stay firm. It's his choice how he reacts.

vdbfamily · 28/08/2022 12:21

get a job and switch your phone off. If he does not like it he can leave.

Beamur · 28/08/2022 12:27

This is abusive behaviour.
You don't have to put up with it.
In your position, I would get a job. Turn off your phone at work, few workplaces would be happy with you being on the phone all the time anyway.
Having a job will not only give you some financial security it will help you in terms of confidence and independence.
Don't be bullied into backing down.

J0y · 28/08/2022 12:27

Horribly abusive bully, please don't do what he wants.

If he "goes ballistic" if you work 2 hours, id respond to that by working 4 hours.

You poor thing. 🌺

ehb102 · 28/08/2022 12:29

Someone in a wheelchair can still be unreasonable, controlling or even abusive.

Oxygen mask scenario. Put yours on before attending to the needs of others.

WaveyHair · 28/08/2022 12:31

You are an individual person who has a right to work. He does not have a right to stop or demand what you have said to people.

I suspect it is the prospect of you meeting others which worries him. By keeping you close he probably thinks you will never leave him to be on his own.

Decide whether you want to be controlled & manipulated? Your husband needs to grow up.