me working ..husband can't/won't cope

[Saskia63]

Hi

I have been married for 27 years and have two grown up children. I am 58.

My husband is 65 and because of ill health cannot work. He isn't in a wheel hair..although I am his registered carer.

There are a lot of issues in our marriage. The main one being that he goes ballistic if I mention going to work even just 2 hours a day. He relies heavily on me
He has no friends or family.

We are on benefits..but it would really help if I could top up our income even just by 14 hours a week. I have tried to work..but he sulks..has tantrums..rings me constantly whilst I am working. Then he wants a full run down of what I have said to my work colleagues.

He has been told he has BPO which I agree he has. However having no money and being prevented from working is affecting my mental health.

I have tried to get him involved in groups/classes whilst I would be working.. but he goes once and says no.one talks to him.but I know him.
He doesn't make any effort to make friends.

Thank you for reading..and any suggestions anyone would have would be greatly appreciated.

Saskia63

He sounds very controlling!!

You are an adult. You can do what you want.

Go and get a job and some hobbies out of the house.
Tell him it’s happening whether he likes it or not.

He sounds awful op. You need to do what you want. But it is a big step so make a list of little things you can start doing and implement them. You will gradually get used to doing what you want and need to do and care less about what he says.

I would be having a very clear conversation with him: you are not prepared to carry on living the way that you are living. Either he accepts you working part time or you leave and his life changes considerably more. Whether he chooses to sit at home and sulk or engage in other activities while you are at work is his problem and not yours. You cannot live the rest of your life like this and leaving it longer than you already have will just make it even worse.

You've been married 27 years. How does another 27 years of this sound to you? Purgatory? Because it will be, won't it? He's not going to change. The only thing that can change is your attitude. You've spent the last 27 years putting other people first, so maybe it's time to start thinking about how you would really like your life to be from now on.

Go to work. It's really important for your mental health, you have to have interests outside your caring role. You'll crack if you don't.

I'd start by leaving your mobile phone switched on. On the kitchen table. Don't take it with you.

Tell him firmly you working is to help your mental health. And if you crumble who will care for you both?

Go. Work. His tantrums will lessen. He must have a deep seated insecurity that you'll up and leave.

Sorry you are going through this.

He's treating you like a servant who must be at his beck and call at all times. He has no right to prevent you from going out for whatever reason, nor does he have any right to constantly check up on you when you are out.

You are not his property or his employee. You are an independent woman in your own right, and don't have to do as you are told.

Get a job.
Turn your phone off while you're working.
Refuse to engage with his crap when you're home.

Alternatively

LTB

It sounds awful.

If you aren't prepared yo leave him now you may want to at some stage which makes working even more important.

Tell him the job requires that your phone is off during it. The end.

This is effecting your mental health and you need to start looking after you. You have done more than enough of putting him first.

Get a job. Get a life. If he doesn't like it leave him. Simple

Sorry to be blunt op, but the only reason you're living like this is because of you. Regardless how awful your husband is, you're allowing yourself to be controlled by his nonsense. You don't have to live like this. The only power he has over you is what you give him.

Absolutely.

OP ask yourself why he wants you trapped in the house.

Is he afraid you might see how abnormal your situation is?

I would recommended therapy to work on why you are letting yourself be treated this way. Work on your self esteem and self worth. You have 1 life. You could have another 40 years ahead of you. You can choose what that life looks like.

I knew a woman who was in a marriage very much like yours, OP. She couldn't go anywhere without being phoned, constantly. One day she left her phone behind, he called the police to find her. He treated her like a slave. She is now in the deep throws of dementia. Not everyone in abusive and controlling relationships will develop dementia but I've known quite a few to do so. Please don't let this potentially be you.

You can have a peaceful and fulfilling life without this man. You are not responsible for his state of mind. He will not change.

Give your self a break. Go to work; turn your phone off so he can't pester you; refuse to answer his interrogation. Keep your earnings separate.

Tell him if he continues to be such a drain and a controlling bully you will cut your losses and leave.

My exH's parents were like this. exFIL was a controlling, abusive monster. We tried to get her to leave but she wouldn't. He even prevented her from going to hospital appointments because he refused to be in the house without her. They were about the same age, and even in their late 80's the abuse continued, and she had to look after him in his disability as he wouldn't allow carers. The cruel irony is that she died first, never having escaped his clutches.

Please don't let that be you.

You don’t have to leave, but getting a job would be a great way to start reclaiming your independence. It doesn’t matter if he’s angry - he'll be angry because he’s losing control.

@Saskia63 there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, abusers are excellent at abuse, sometimes it’s the only thing they are good at really. If you forget about how immoral it is for a second you can see how it would be a very useful skill to have, imagine being able to have emotional needs and whims catered too your whole life by a caring, intelligent woman. Imagine having a companion you’ve trained to attend to your every emotion, to help anticipate what you will and will not tolerate. It’s appalling behaviour on his part yes, but like all abusers he is getting a lot out of it, including a full time carer in older age.
Have you read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft? I highly recommend you read this asap, you will find it elucidating and you will find to strategies to better manage this man.
It’s hard to leave because he has made it hard to leave, but there’s still time to start afresh when you’re ready, you just need information on abuse and how it works (read the book) and a road map out.
It’s not that you are not communicating clearly, it’s not that he doesn’t understand, it’s not that he can’t control himself and his behaviour, it’s not that he doesn’t know how much he upsets you and wears you down. It is none of these things, it never has been, it’s because this behaviour gets him what he wants. It’s also not happening because there’s something wrong with you, it’s happening because he’s exploiting your normal human emotions and reflexes to get what he wants. It happens to the very best people, a bit like how highly desirable high value items are more likely to be targeted by thieves. It’s your goodness and diligence and loyalty which make you a target. 💐

Just leave.

But do an entitled to check first. If you are getting carers allowance you can only earn I think c £130pwk before it's taken off.

There are a lot of issues in our marriage. The main one being that he goes ballistic if I mention going to work even just 2 hours a day. He relies heavily on me
He has no friends or family.

Yhis is a clear cut case of coercive control OP - & that is abuse.
His ill health is no excuse.

What do you get out of this relationship? It seems less like a marriage & more like a prison sentence. Sorry to be so harsh but what is keeping you there - guilt? A soft heart? Finances - can you afford to live separately from him?

There’s nothing wrong with you, as others have said he’s worn you down over the years.
His tantrums and sulking are to control you —- tiptoe round him to stop him sulking more.
You need a job for many reasons —- your self esteem, socialising, earning money and also adding to your pension post. In 9 years you’ll draw your state pension and earning in those years could make a useful difference to the amount.

Typical Stockholm Syndrome.

You only get one life OP. Don't put up with this shit a moment longer.

This.

I'd imagine his health situation makes him very angry and resentful. It sounds like he resents your good health and is almost punishing you for the fact he is ill. He wants your life to be as miserable and small as he feels his is.

Get a job and tell him you're going to work. Ignore what he says; don't tell him conversations you've had with colleagues - just refuse.

He doesn't own you, your life or your freedom.

Imagine the difference working will make to you financially, emotionally and physically. Just keep that in mind all the time, switch off your phone and get on with it. The benefits far outreach his whining. You need this. Go for it but there is no way of doing it without his complaints. But the more you do the better it will be.

How is your relationship with your children? Have you spoken to them about your need to get out of the house and how challenging it is being at home? Tell them that you need more support, whether that's more frequent visits or simply backing you up.