me working ..husband can't/won't cope

[Saskia63]

Hi

I have been married for 27 years and have two grown up children. I am 58.

My husband is 65 and because of ill health cannot work. He isn't in a wheel hair..although I am his registered carer.

There are a lot of issues in our marriage. The main one being that he goes ballistic if I mention going to work even just 2 hours a day. He relies heavily on me
He has no friends or family.

We are on benefits..but it would really help if I could top up our income even just by 14 hours a week. I have tried to work..but he sulks..has tantrums..rings me constantly whilst I am working. Then he wants a full run down of what I have said to my work colleagues.

He has been told he has BPO which I agree he has. However having no money and being prevented from working is affecting my mental health.

I have tried to get him involved in groups/classes whilst I would be working.. but he goes once and says no.one talks to him.but I know him.
He doesn't make any effort to make friends.

Thank you for reading..and any suggestions anyone would have would be greatly appreciated.

Saskia63

"all I want is him to say I understand you need to work.. "

That will never happen.
Well, unless you get to the point of actually leaving them he'll promise you the moon to try to manipulate you into staying.

Do you want to have to wait and hope he dies first so you can at least have a few years of freedom before you die?

If he is that unwell or disabled then you should claim for a carers allowance, and get him to spend it on someone to take on the role.

I am the same age as you and like you in a very long marriage and I understand the feeling of being worn down. He is probably not a bad person and you feel sorry for him and obliged to keep him happy to some extent which is understandable, but he is clearly a selfish man who has become accustomed to having things his way and relying on you completely for help/company/everything. It won't be easy op but you need to stand up to him and tell him that you cannot possibly continue as you are, you need to have some sort of a life outside of him and your home that is just yours. If he doesn't want to expand his horizons and get out and meet other people thats up to him. Life is short op, and he will likely become sicker and more infirm as he ages and you really will be stuck with him so do it while you still can.

What you have described is emotional abuse.

In your shoes I would get a job and the first he heard of it would be ask I left for my first day's work when I would inform him of the change in circumstances.
Turn off your phone at work.
If he phones and leaves masses of messages just block his number whilst you are working.

Save all your earnings and leave.

That age old patriarchal set up where men expect to own and control the lives of women like we are no better than slaves. Your husband feels entitled to dictate to you what you should and shouldn't do with your life. You live on benefits when at least one of you could work? Get your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself. Get a job. Turn your phone off at work. He will get used to it when you stop pandering to his sexist self centered controlling abusive tantrums. Come on women, when will we stop putting up with this shit? It's possible to love a man without becoming his doormat, and to live with and look after a man without becoming his property. To share a life without being dictated to or ruled. If we don't teach our men better how will things ever change?