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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I go to wedding with new boyfriend (ex will be there )?

78 replies

reidemay · 28/08/2022 09:57

Two years ago was probably the worst time of my life.
I was getting messed around by my ex (lied to ,mentally abused ) etc who had plenty of narcissistic traits..he treated me awful and dumped me a week after my mum died.
He didn't text me morning of funeral and when I messaged him he read and ignored.
I was at the lowest and needed therapy to deal with everything.
He left me a shell of who I was
Fast forward two years I'm in a happy relationship with the loveliest man ,we live together and have spoke about marriage and kids.
Basically to quote lizzo "I'm not the girl I was or used to be " ha ha (cheesy )

Next Sunday is a mutual friends wedding
He will be there
Do I go with my new partner ? And show he didn't break me?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 29/08/2022 13:58

reidemay · 29/08/2022 10:17

I have a plus 1 invitation
The simple reason like I've explained is the ending by him was so brutal and done with the most malice...he thought I would never be happy without him
So yes I do want to show him I've moved on-and yes I have moved on but I do want to show him

This might sound harsh bit, honestly, he won't care.

I've dumped people and then seen them out with a new girlfriend. I haven't cared. He really won't care.

You thought you'd never get over him and you want to show him you've moved on. If he's not blind, he'll see you are there with someone else. But he won't care. You are giving far more thought to this than he ever will.

What are you hoping he'll take from this?

toastofthetown · 29/08/2022 13:58

If the wedding is next Sunday, surely you've told the couple to expect either one or both of you already. Changing plans now would be pretty inconsiderate.

And if your ex-boyfriend means literally nothing to you, why is he relevant in your decision to bring your partner to a wedding?

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2022 14:02

Plus, the thread title was asking if you should take your new boyfriend. Why would your ex's presence there have any bearing on that?

Presumably, you've accepted the invite for younand your boyfriend. Why are you questioning it now? Why would it make any difference?

TheOriginalClownfish · 29/08/2022 14:13

My ex was similar, our break up was brutal and for a long time afterwards I wondered if I would ever recover. I got over him quickly enough, and while it didn't take long before I recognised that I'd never take him back ever again, it did rankle that his actions almost broke me and he got to swan off to his next new woman and left chaos in his wake without a bother. I was angry and I hated him. Now though, it's moved entirely to indifference.

But back when I hated him, even though I'd actually cross the street to avoid him if I saw him, I had enough feelings still to want him to see me look amazingly fabulous and all that. And you know I think that's kind of normal. I'd much prefer to run into most of my ex's looking fabulous rather than my usual scruffy self.

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2022 14:19

But back when I hated him, even though I'd actually cross the street to avoid him if I saw him, I had enough feelings still to want him to see me look amazingly fabulous and all that. And you know I think that's kind of normal. I'd much prefer to run into most of my ex's looking fabulous rather than my usual scruffy self.

OP, I think you need to take note of this.

It is normal to want them to notice you when you still care - either about them or what they think of you.

Wanting them to see you succeeding isn't about having moved on. It's a sign that you haven't yet done so. Which is fine, sometimes it takes a while, but you also need to recognise it for what it is.

As everyone has said 1000 times - if you were over him, you wouldn't care.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/08/2022 14:33

Op I was your partner in this scenario back in May. Dp's ex was at a wedding we went to. He hadn't seen her for 16 years. Didn't tell me she would be there and spent a significant proportion of the reception talking to her about the demise of their relationship. It was very upsetting and I very much considered ending my relationship with him because I felt he wasn't over her.

So I'd be very careful honestly. These things can go horribly wrong. Just my take on it.

GroggyLegs · 29/08/2022 14:43

From a practical point of view, if you drink I'd take it very steady at this wedding, or even drive.

Readaboutyourself · 29/08/2022 14:45

reidemay · 29/08/2022 10:17

I have a plus 1 invitation
The simple reason like I've explained is the ending by him was so brutal and done with the most malice...he thought I would never be happy without him
So yes I do want to show him I've moved on-and yes I have moved on but I do want to show him

To be this concerned means you haven’t worked through the pain yet which is totally understandable.

I would give it a miss unless they are close friends. Keep healing.

lamaze1 · 29/08/2022 15:00

Go if you want to go, but whether your ex is there or not is irrelevant. Don't even give him any headspace.

Unicorn2022 · 29/08/2022 15:16

I don't think you're ready to be at the same event as your ex yet. Unless it's a close friend's wedding then I wouldn't go, with or without your new partner. If he's rude or indifferent you will end up being upset; if he's friendly you will overthink it. You are not quite over him and this is asking for trouble.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 29/08/2022 15:33

“I’ve been with my BF for a year or so now. He split from his ex 2 years ago and it was very acrimonious. Anyway we’ve been invited to a wedding where his ex will be, and he’s said he wants to take me to put two fingers up to his ex and show her he’s over her.”

The unanimous response to this would be:

“he’s not over his ex. Run for the hills.”

samyeagar · 29/08/2022 15:37

reidemay · 28/08/2022 12:17

My ex does have a new partner and I don't care in the slightest.
I love my boyfriend but that doesn't stop the memories of the hurt my ex put me through.
Me wanting to show him he didn't break me is no way a reflection on how I feel for my boyfriend
If my ex knocked on my door today I wouldn't entertain him

I'm sure your feeling towards your ex are completely exclusive from, and don't reflect your feeling for your new boyfriend, but...

Your new boyfriend should not be used as a mere tool used to express your feeling towards your ex. The fact that you are even willing to entertain that shows that your feeling towards you ex still run so deep that you would be willing to use someone you love dearly as a pawn.

You have stated in not so many words that your hatred towards your ex is more powerful than your love for your boyfriend.

Opaljewel · 29/08/2022 16:13

There is nothing wrong with showing he hasn't broken you. Turn up, best outfit, mega wattage smile and with your lovely man. Don't even look for him or look him in the eye. He will see you. And then forget about him and enjoy the event.

ganvough · 29/08/2022 16:47

I don't think your ex cares at all whether you've moved on or not. Think back to when you've dumped people - have you gotten upset or jealous when they moved on, or felt relieved or apathetic.

Take your bf because he is your bf. You may love him but you're not over the ex yet or you wouldn't think of him at all. Certainly wouldn't care about his reaction. He's moved on, so have you - stop thinking about him.

Firty · 29/08/2022 17:57

Do whatever will make you happiest. If you’d like to show ex you’re in a lovely relationship, then do it, but I recommend you leave before getting drunk or you’ll end up in some intense conversation with your ex that your boyfriend will see that may damage your current relationship. A man like your ex will try to make that happen, try to upset you and try to make your current boyfriend feel threatened / see you in a bad light, etc.

If it was me I’d definitely take current boyfriend (after warning him psycho ex will be there), go to the ceremony, stay for food / a couple of drinks after, then leave asap and go to a romantic hotel to shag my current guy.

Or just bin the wedding and go straight to hotel 😍

Misty84 · 29/08/2022 17:59

Hell yes you take him!

Original poster
reidemay · 29/08/2022 18:55

It's only about wanting to actually be in the same room as him and feel good about myself.
I acted so pathetic and my self esteem was on the floor.
I just want to prove I am okay and I have moved on.
I have moved on and I know it won't matter either way to him ..I want to do it for me.

OP posts:
Readaboutyourself · 29/08/2022 19:16

reidemay · 29/08/2022 18:55

It's only about wanting to actually be in the same room as him and feel good about myself.
I acted so pathetic and my self esteem was on the floor.
I just want to prove I am okay and I have moved on.
I have moved on and I know it won't matter either way to him ..I want to do it for me.

But you’ve said So yes I do want to show him I've moved on-and yes I have moved on but I do want to show him.

I get it OP but why put yourself through this? I wouldn’t go.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2022 06:50

I get it op. You can be over someone but not over the way they treated you. Have a lovely time at the wedding. Flowers

Starseeking · 30/08/2022 06:57

reidemay · 28/08/2022 10:19

I'm totally in love with my boyfriend.
My ex literally means nothing to me...I know hate is a strong word but that's how I feel.
He made my self respect turn to nothing and I just want to show that I'm okay now and he didn't ruin me.

It sounds like he is very much still affecting you; nobody hates people who mean nothing to them, or want to show them anything.

Somebody who means nothing to you wouldn't even register on your radar.

You are clearly feeling very anxious about potentially seeing your ex (and possibly his new partner) at the wedding.

If you're not still having therapy to support you to work through your feelings, it may help you to arrange some.

In the meantime enjoy the wedding, and don't give your ex a second thought. A bright and breezy "hi and bye" if you bump into him, should suffice.

Slightlystressedbride · 30/08/2022 07:59

reidemay · 29/08/2022 18:55

It's only about wanting to actually be in the same room as him and feel good about myself.
I acted so pathetic and my self esteem was on the floor.
I just want to prove I am okay and I have moved on.
I have moved on and I know it won't matter either way to him ..I want to do it for me.

Sorry OP but you haven't moved on if his presence in a room still generates an urge to look/feel/behave in a particular way.

Imagine you're at the wedding, and you accidentally knock over a load of drinks. Or you go to the bathroom and discover your hair has been a state all day. Are your first thoughts directed to him?

The opposite of love is indifference, not hate.

I agree with PP not to go, if you can still back out without causing major ructions.

Hillrunning · 30/08/2022 08:10

The only reason to attend a wedding is because you want to celebrate with the couple. Not to parade your new boyfriend in front an Ex. If that's the reason, I think you will enjoy it fleetingly then end up feeling a bit grubby after.

I still don't understand why such an awful man has been invited as your friends guest, don't they know how he treats people?

billy1966 · 30/08/2022 10:45

Who are these people to you, that they are inviting him to the wedding?

Do they not know or don't care how you were treated by him?

Dery · 30/08/2022 12:42

@Firty’s advice is very sound. I would do as Firty suggests.

Original poster
reidemay · 30/08/2022 13:38

Unfortunately it's the grooms best friend and I'm the brides friend

OP posts: