Practicalities of old friend coming to stay

[ThePresentTimeIsNow]

I could do with your thoughts on this. An old friend has been back in touch. He always had a bit of a thing for me at school but I was a teenager and not really that bothered. We both grew up around a lot of trauma. We both have ASD.

The years have been good. I worked hard and am in a great position. He is in a creative job & works for himself. We have both been away and done our thing. Both divorced, I have teenager DCs, he has none. I could still have kids and he is keen on a baby but there isn't pressure. We are both in our 40s.

He is a gentle, kind, sensitive person. We click. We always did. However, he has a coloured history although shows evidence of having learnt from it. Lived abroad many years, in trouble with police there for a few months, came back to UK, father died and has been staying with his mum. The inheritance was sorted recently, and he would like to come and live closer to me/his siblings. We do not live in our home town.

I don't believe he is in any way after my money or house. I can see he is working on himself. I believe he would be supportive around my co-parenting with my ex. My DCs are older and not always with me. There are 2 red flags:

1. He is bisexual but his LT partners have been female. He feels he has done a lot of stuff with men but says currently he doesn't have any urges or desires to be with any other man (or woman).

1. He uses a lot of weed. He recognises this and agrees. He's socially isolated and is caged in living in his mother's house. He has come to a difficult - although quite exciting - place in his life. In the past in a similar mental place, he didn't smoke weed. He doesn't drink.

He is coming to visit me. I am so keen for us to "hang out" and do normal stuff that we would if we were friends living near each other. We haven't seen each other since we were 15/16/17.

If this were an online date, I would meet half way or somewhere neutral. But it's my old school friend and we adore each other. It doesn't make sense. On the other hand, you can't really know who someone is. And this is my DCs' space, not just mine.

What do I do? Encourage a hotel? Meet for the day? He's travelling about 5 hours.

There are 2 questions here:

• Do I enter a relationship with him? It could be a beautiful way to create a love story. He is a committed, sensitive person. We could grow old together, work together, I believe we would get on well.

• What are the practicalities of meeting up? Take is slowly? Be resistant to any feelings of wanting to rip each others' clothes off? (There is clearly chemistry when we talk online!).

Oh no, that was long and my formatting is all over the place. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to have to provide info later on! Hope you get the gist. I need some advice!

Definitely don't bring him into your childrens home. You've stayed in touch but he's still in essence a stranger. You haven't seen each other in almost 30 years but you're talking about babies. That's so strange.

Thank you girlmom I need to hear this. Ok. Hotel it is! The baby thing has come up in context only - why he didn't have kids, the fact he always wanted them, how I am with my kids, etc. We both put our cards on the table in terms of expectations, history, future desires in a partner.

It's so odd.

You talk about creating a love story with someone you haven't seen since you were teenagers.

He's practically a stranger yet you're talking about babies.

I think you've let the romance of a teenage love affair being rekindled run away with you.

He doesn't sound a catch. For one thing you have kids and he smokes weed. That would be a hard no from me before you consider anything else.

How long ago is recent?
I'd still look at it as you would any online dating situation as people do change and people aren't necessarily themselves when not face to face.

Definitely meet up but after you've taken him off the pedestal you currently have him on.
Meet as you would a stranger.... so daytime, public space etc. Certainly dont take him home, introduce to children etc.
If he is wanting to get an idea of the area then I'm sure he's sensible enough to have already booked a hotel so he has more than a few hours to get a feel for the place.
If you do then want to rip his clothes off and have no expectations for happy ever after then the opportunity is there.

OP how has it gone from 'old friend who once fancied you but you didn't' to 'possibly having kids / relationship'?

Have you both directly decided this is a date & for sex? As opposed to an old friend visiting?

I think you have completely run away with yourself here.

It's so easy to build up unrealistic expectations over phone calls, texts etc. The reality may be very different. Definitely meet somewhere neutral, do not invite him to your home! As girlmom says this man is a stranger no matter what kind of virtual ' love story' you have created for yourself. Also he smokes weed. So that would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

gogogadgetgo I don't know if it's odd. Maybe because we both have ASD, we are more factual? We both said - there might not be chemistry, we might not like each other in the flesh. We haven't seen each other, but we have talked an awful lot. How is that different to meeting someone on an online platform?

For one thing you have kids and he smokes weed. That would be a hard no from me before you consider anything else

^^ This is my biggest concern.

katscamel How long ago is recent?
About 5/6 months ago.

Yes, it feels very much like it did when I was online dating.
OK, approach with caution.
He has "met" one of my children online with me, briefly. He knows many members of my family since we grew up together & his dad was a teacher at my old school.

Yes, he is happy to book a hotel, there is no pressure there.

EarringsandLipstick
OP how has it gone from 'old friend who once fancied you but you didn't' to 'possibly having kids / relationship'?

Well, how does it in any relationship at this age? We've talked about whether we are both in the position to have a relationship with each other, should we like each other more IRL.

We haven't made any expectations of whether there will be sex or not, but that's why I was asking on here. I can lay it down as "this will be you visiting me as an old friend" rather than "this will be a date with a chance we might have sex".
I can lay down my boundary and I know he is good at not challenging my boundaries.

Yes, you're right. Thank you. I need to remember all of this.
Weed... not a dealbreaker but I want to know that he could stop. I certainly wouldn't want to have a child with someone who smokes it (but that's wayyyyy ahead of this).

I agree with PPs, you don't really know this man, as, well, a man! You haven't seen each other since you were both teenagers and now in your 40s - that's a lot of time for you both to grow and change and become adults.

I think the rose coloured glasses and idea of a second chance of love are colouring your expectations of what this could turn into.

Take it super slow, just as you would with a stranger - he essentially is a stranger, even though it doesn't feel like it.

You might meet and click instantly or there might just be no spark, it'll be fun to find out - but more so over dinner than under your own roof where it would be more awkward to draw things to a close if it wasn't feeling right.

It's exciting but try not to get carried away, good luck! x

Ugh he smokes weed? Please don’t have him around your children’s home.

the whole thing just sounds dreadful and it’s like you’ve built up some fantasy in your head, you’re not teenagers anymore.

He won’t stop smoking weed OP.

As for whether or not he has designs on your money and home, you have absolutely no way of assessing that. It’s an imaginary relationship atm, fuelled and fleshed out by your own needs and ideas and has no basis in reality.

So take it very slowly, meet somewhere neutral and remember that however much it may feel like you ‘click’, that is the opposite of actually knowing someone and trust needs to be built up over time.

Thanks CrystalCoco
Yup, a lot of time has passed and I need to be careful not to let rose tinted glasses get in the way. Yes, he is a stranger. I think he needs to hear this, too. He doesn't know me, either! Yes, must not get carried away.

FiveDollarMilkshake Thanks. It's not ideal the weed stuff. The rest? I'm not sure. I don't think fantasy, no, more like exploring different possibilities.

The weed would be an instant dealbreaker for me.
Don’t have him in your house, and don’t jump into anything.

Thank you. Yes, I'm wondering if he would stop. He has stopped in the past but I think, like my drinking, it would still lurk somewhere. Who knows. Yes, you're right about the money and house stuff. I am (even if I say so myself) still a good bet, and there are many ways to take advantage of someone.

Ok. Yes, slow and neutral is wise.

I would be very careful OP. You say you’ve been through trauma in the past and are in a good place now. Don’t jeopardise that.

the warnings (red flags) I can see from the post you have written are:

• he wants a baby but no pressure (why is this even being discussed?)
• he talks about an inheritance (why is finances even being discussed?)
• he smokes A LOT of weed. Not just occasional weed user. (That is an absolute No-no)
• he’s talked about being socially isolated and wants to move nearer to you (how very convenient!) and his siblings (are they near you?) again this is not your problem to fix. He managed to live away from you all for years so what has changed?
• talking about starting a family/money/relocation with someone online and who you haven’t seen since you were a teenager is not sensible for either of you
• you don’t owe him anything so don’t feel obliged to have him round at your home. He’s a stranger whose only connection is from your teenage years - a whole different life away!
• be wary. Be careful.

He smokes weed
You haven't seen him in years

Do not introduce him to your children
Do not have him to stay

You have built up a fantasy relationship. Stop.

OP in the nicest possible way this is is all in your head. You haven’t seen this guy since your teens, you don’t adore each other, you don’t know each other. To be imagining that you will co-parent your kids, have another baby and grow old together really is the stuff of fantasy.

I am guessing that you are lonely and would like a relationship and this seems to take away all the pain and hassle of dating. Believe me, if you dive into a relationship with this bloke and then have to extract yourself, the pain and the hassle will be a lot worse. You have done better in life than him, and yes, conscious or not, I think a large part of the appeal for him is the possibility of walking into a ready made grown up life funded by you.

Get a grip. Meet him by all means but don’t ask him to stay in your house. It is your children’s home - in your head it feels like you’ve forgotten who you are and have regressed to adolescence.

Don’t lose the life you’ve built for yourself and your kids. You’ve said you’ve got through a lot of trauma so why would you want to get involved with a grown man who smokes loads of weed. This is not a person who has his life together, it’s a person who will use you as a crutch. You job is to protect and nurture your kids not bring problems into their home. You mention your past drinking in a later post - living with an addict is not going to be helpful to you.

Take the friendship slowly and do not muddy the water by taking about inappropriate things (why are you taking about his inheritance and babies??)

All told I am pretty sure you can do better than this. And if you don’t believe that for yourself, believe if for your kids. If you end up liking this guy, be his friend, but I honestly think your lives are too different to make it likely you will be successful partners.

Why have you not seen each other once in 30 years if you were so close?

What do you mean by ‘coming to stay’?

There is a huge distance between ‘coming for the weekend’ and the entire life story you seem to have constructed around more babies and growing old together..,

In no way shape or form should you just bring him into your household. Tbh he sounds like a nightmare as a partner, though great as a friend to hang out with before going back to your own safe, secure and stable home.

First and foremost your priority is to the children you have, and their stability and security.

He says he's bisexual but all his long term partners are women. That should make you wary. It sounds like he doesn't want to be attracted to men, and deliberately chooses women to have relationships and men to have flings with. His 'coloured history' would concern me that he is struggling because he's hiding a part of himself, the drugs are his way of coping.

OP, I am terrified for you.

I have seen well placed women fuck up their entire lives by bringing in a man they think they "need" in their life.

Please, don't be another.

I have a question: how much money does he spend on weed per week?

This post by pomegranate sums is up.

"Don’t lose the life you’ve built for yourself and your kids. You’ve said you’ve got through a lot of trauma so why would you want to get involved with a grown man who smokes loads of weed. This is not a person who has his life together, it’s a person who will use you as a crutch. You job is to protect and nurture your kids not bring problems into their home. You mention your past drinking in a later post - living with an addict is not going to be helpful to you."

With respect, I think this is classic tale of woe in the making. You say that you're both very factual people but you seem to have stretched and embellished the facts beyond what might be reasonable, to suit your agenda.

This is essentially a stranger off the internet with what sounds like numerous issues to address before he's ready to be part of a healthy relationship. Your job is to identify fact from fiction, and take those rose tinted binoculars off, for your kids sake. You're not 17 and choosing a boyfriend any more.

Yes, I'm wondering if he would stop. He has stopped in the past

If he is doing it now no he hasn’t ‘stopped in the past’. He just had a bit of a pause. That’s the fact.

Wondering if he might stop is fiction until the fact has changed.

Good lord above.

People don't really let men like this into their kids lives do they?