Practicalities of old friend coming to stay

[ThePresentTimeIsNow]

I could do with your thoughts on this. An old friend has been back in touch. He always had a bit of a thing for me at school but I was a teenager and not really that bothered. We both grew up around a lot of trauma. We both have ASD.

The years have been good. I worked hard and am in a great position. He is in a creative job & works for himself. We have both been away and done our thing. Both divorced, I have teenager DCs, he has none. I could still have kids and he is keen on a baby but there isn't pressure. We are both in our 40s.

He is a gentle, kind, sensitive person. We click. We always did. However, he has a coloured history although shows evidence of having learnt from it. Lived abroad many years, in trouble with police there for a few months, came back to UK, father died and has been staying with his mum. The inheritance was sorted recently, and he would like to come and live closer to me/his siblings. We do not live in our home town.

I don't believe he is in any way after my money or house. I can see he is working on himself. I believe he would be supportive around my co-parenting with my ex. My DCs are older and not always with me. There are 2 red flags:

1. He is bisexual but his LT partners have been female. He feels he has done a lot of stuff with men but says currently he doesn't have any urges or desires to be with any other man (or woman).

1. He uses a lot of weed. He recognises this and agrees. He's socially isolated and is caged in living in his mother's house. He has come to a difficult - although quite exciting - place in his life. In the past in a similar mental place, he didn't smoke weed. He doesn't drink.

He is coming to visit me. I am so keen for us to "hang out" and do normal stuff that we would if we were friends living near each other. We haven't seen each other since we were 15/16/17.

If this were an online date, I would meet half way or somewhere neutral. But it's my old school friend and we adore each other. It doesn't make sense. On the other hand, you can't really know who someone is. And this is my DCs' space, not just mine.

What do I do? Encourage a hotel? Meet for the day? He's travelling about 5 hours.

There are 2 questions here:

• Do I enter a relationship with him? It could be a beautiful way to create a love story. He is a committed, sensitive person. We could grow old together, work together, I believe we would get on well.

• What are the practicalities of meeting up? Take is slowly? Be resistant to any feelings of wanting to rip each others' clothes off? (There is clearly chemistry when we talk online!).

Really? I’m surprised so many of you don’t consider this at the outset of a relationship. My first thoughts are - could this person accept that I am committed to my kids, do they have kids themselves, and do they want them? I think these are normal considerations, especially if he doesn’t have kids himself.

Totally untrue. I didn’t feel anything much for him at 15 other than as usual classmate stuff. Not imaginary at all. There are various possibilities of how it turns out & I considering all of them & seeing where we land.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I’ve dated online before and my questions always did involve whether the man wanted kids. It’s a normal consideration at our age.

He doesn’t want to live with me & certainly not with my kids. We are both autistic with sensory issues.

He is not living with his mum, he’s staying with her. He returned to this country as his father died. He moved his dad on with him abroad because of illness & has been waiting for probate to move on.

If you put my quotation back in context, you will see that I say this is my kids’ space precisely because he’s not coming into it.

Yes, this is a huge red flag. We need to discuss it further, preferably in
person. It’s one of my concerns for exactly the reason you say.

You're both jumping the gun ; red flag parade. He has numerous issue, you've not met since teens and he thinks he'd like your baby? Are you crazy? You KNOW what a commitment children are and frankly, his history doesn't demonstrate commitment. It's the opposite. He's used to doing exactly as he pleases/ chop and change/ to hell with the consequences.

He needs to book into a hotel; he can afford it. Then you meet for lunch. Take it very slow. You're a grown up adult; and you certainly don't need a manchild dopehead teenage boy aged 40 +. Neither do your kids.

I don't know why you posted as you are hitting back at anyone who doesn't see this as the Love Story of the Year.

Your questions was Do I enter a relationship with him? It could be a beautiful way to create a love story. He is a committed, sensitive person. We could grow old together, work together, I believe we would get on well

because of course he is going to tell you the truth 🙄

Oh, COME ON!!

If this is real, run like the wind. And have more sense.

Not “hitting back” at all. I’m interested in opinions & people gave them.

I was going to type a response but the mere concept of potentially allowing some complete stranger who takes drugs to holiday in your kids home, and pondering reproducing with him in what would be a very rushed timeframe (which it would need to be, at your age) is just…..The fact it was even a consideration is horrific.

As a bare minimum, frame things like ‘how does this benefit my kids if I ————?’ (Allow a drug user to be in their home/reproduce with a complete stranger who uses drugs. Stuff like that.)

You wrote: I’m surprised so many of you don’t consider this at the outset of a relationship. My first thoughts are - could this person accept that I am committed to my kids, do they have kids themselves, and do they want them?

I don’t date people who do or have a history of doing drugs as adults. But in this situation, my first question would not be about kids. It would be more along the lines of “why am I even considering bringing someone who regularly consumes drugs into my children’s lives?”

economic Thanks, yes I think your last paragraph is a really sensible way to think about it.

Just to reiterate that there is no holiday, and certainly not in my house! He’s coming to this or a nearby town overnight & I was trying to work out how that would look. I did say in my first post that I was wary of having him in my children’s space.

I think you’re speeding things up hugely! You’re making it sound like there would be a baby made that very evening 🤣 Def wrong end of stick. If you RTFT you’ll see how that part arose. You’ve inflated things wildly.

Yes, it’s clear we have different ideas. My first concern was whether he could deal with the fact I have my dcs and tgat they come first.

What he does in his own time is his concern. He doesn’t “do drugs”, he has smoked a drug most nights for about 3 months. I have female friends who have done similar - not when my dcs have been there, but they have done.

Woah. He isn’t coming into my children’s lives just yet. This is about my arrangements to meet him & what might come up in the future. Not right now.

I think it is a wise to get an idea about expectations if something is turning romantic, but I appreciate that not everyone will think in the same way.

Did you say he was done for possession 25 years ago? And he's smoking weed now. Sounds like a lifelong drug habit to me. I don't think that what he does in his own time is his concern. If he becomes part of your life and potentially part of your DC's life, this is your concern too.

Yes you’re right, @Drinkingpop it has clearly come in and out of his life at different times. He’s aware it’s a red flag. We’ve decided to slow things down further and maybe meet in 6 months when he’s in a better position.

Don’t go near this. From an outside pov, you are a convenient anchor for him to cling onto. Is he financially independent? Would you insist on an std check before sleeping with him (if there’s chemistry)?

It’s just odd that you haven’t seen him irl for almost 30 years.

Hey thanks, Brigante it’s really good to get opinions. Yes, he’s solvent. He has been working on some pretty impressive projects (I’ve seen evidence) and now come into his inheritance but also he disclosed how much ye has to put down on a house & has saved loads since being at home. He’s looking at a load of houses & considering how to invest & put down roots.

Absolutely re STD! Totally, totally. I’ve already spoken to him about this independently, in terms of his looking after himself.

I think he is ok & its fine as far as dodginess goes, but he has more work to do on himself before he can consider a relationship - with anyone. He has done a fair bit but recent parental loss & uprooting would take their toll on anyone. I suggested earlier we take our friendship in teeny tiny steps.

Oh - 30 years comment. Tbh I haven’t seen anyone from those days for 30 years. I was away at university then married with kids & he was abroad, like, really far abroad, concentrating on his career. There is no way our paths would have crossed. I wasn’t on social media until recently.

He sounds grim to me. I’d be running a mile.

Exh massively minimised how much he used. I would never get involved with another user again. They become lazy and lazier.

Stop romanticising this man and see him for what he is. You are on a slippery slope.

OP I know how scary it is when you post on MN and everyone makes a gazillion assumptions about what you meant!

OK, so PURELY based on my own experiences, which might be totally irrelevant to your situation:

Someone who just dabbles in being bisexual reminds me of a previous partner who was really only keen on no-commitment sex and hoped that playing at being gay might be the solution. He was sexually abused as a child and had a lot of issues to work out. I'm not saying this is true of everyone who is bisexual, obvs! Just the dabbling aspect makes me a bit wary.

The weed thing, well who hasn't smoked weed nowadays? and a lot of people who make a habit of it are fine. But there is quite a high proportion of losers who make a habit of it. It's a drug that lets you live in a dream world, should you choose to use it that way.