Practicalities of old friend coming to stay

[ThePresentTimeIsNow]

I could do with your thoughts on this. An old friend has been back in touch. He always had a bit of a thing for me at school but I was a teenager and not really that bothered. We both grew up around a lot of trauma. We both have ASD.

The years have been good. I worked hard and am in a great position. He is in a creative job & works for himself. We have both been away and done our thing. Both divorced, I have teenager DCs, he has none. I could still have kids and he is keen on a baby but there isn't pressure. We are both in our 40s.

He is a gentle, kind, sensitive person. We click. We always did. However, he has a coloured history although shows evidence of having learnt from it. Lived abroad many years, in trouble with police there for a few months, came back to UK, father died and has been staying with his mum. The inheritance was sorted recently, and he would like to come and live closer to me/his siblings. We do not live in our home town.

I don't believe he is in any way after my money or house. I can see he is working on himself. I believe he would be supportive around my co-parenting with my ex. My DCs are older and not always with me. There are 2 red flags:

1. He is bisexual but his LT partners have been female. He feels he has done a lot of stuff with men but says currently he doesn't have any urges or desires to be with any other man (or woman).

1. He uses a lot of weed. He recognises this and agrees. He's socially isolated and is caged in living in his mother's house. He has come to a difficult - although quite exciting - place in his life. In the past in a similar mental place, he didn't smoke weed. He doesn't drink.

He is coming to visit me. I am so keen for us to "hang out" and do normal stuff that we would if we were friends living near each other. We haven't seen each other since we were 15/16/17.

If this were an online date, I would meet half way or somewhere neutral. But it's my old school friend and we adore each other. It doesn't make sense. On the other hand, you can't really know who someone is. And this is my DCs' space, not just mine.

What do I do? Encourage a hotel? Meet for the day? He's travelling about 5 hours.

There are 2 questions here:

• Do I enter a relationship with him? It could be a beautiful way to create a love story. He is a committed, sensitive person. We could grow old together, work together, I believe we would get on well.

• What are the practicalities of meeting up? Take is slowly? Be resistant to any feelings of wanting to rip each others' clothes off? (There is clearly chemistry when we talk online!).

You are building an imaginary future based on how you felt as a 15 year old. This man is a walking disaster.

No, not at all. That’s why I’m asking on here. In fact the very opposite. He’s not a “walking disaster” at all.

If you read my post carefully, you will see that I’m not letting him into my kids’ lives. Quite the opposite. I think you have misunderstood.

We weren’t close - I didn’t say we were. He had a thing for me at school but I wasn’t into boys at that stage. Then university happened, then I got married & stayed away and he moved abroad to be with his father & got married there. I wasn’t on social media. Apart from a brief few messages on FB in 2010, when I was married, we didn’t communicate. He says he tried to look me up a few years after that but I left FB and wasn’t on SM.

Quote:

And this is my DCs' space, not just mine.

I have an unexpected afternoon & next day free and we arranged to meet up. It’s still unclear but it makes sense for him to come towards my direction. It would involve a stay somewhere for him since it’s far away. He’s happy to stay in a hotel, which seems wisest.

I can’t vouch for how he would be as a partner. We get on extremely well, maybe better kept as this sort of brother-sister style thing first & see what evolves. He has respected all my boundaries so far & we speak openly.

Hard pass and red flags all over the place. Sorry, op, but this is madness. Heavy weed smoker, been in trouble with the police, lives at home, haven't seen him in decades yet have talked about having children and you're in your 40's? Too much, too fast, too crazy.

If you do meet up with him, I hope you stick to your decision not to allow him to stay in your home. Again, that would be madness and a very poor example for your kids.

It's concerning that you think he's so lovely and genuine yet haven't even met with him. It's very, very easy to say all the right things through text and phone calls.

Don’t meet at the hotel. Meet at a restaurant. He is in essence a stranger. A weed habit.
Start with exploring a friendship. Be clear that’s all you want. It’s a start point.

Perfect. Thank you. I've done this. He's staying in a hotel and we will meet for a walk in a National Trust type place which has a cafe & restaurants close by. Walk then dinner. Maybe lunch next day before he leaves.

Yeahhh it's hard to explain without context. He has smoked weed most nights for the past 3 months is probably the best explanation and the police thing was about 25 years ago, stopped for possession.

The having kids thing was discussed in the context of me having my own ("I can't believe you have nearly grown up kids, X and I were planning a baby when we were married & I've never ruled it out but have had that grief") and in the context of the "Where would you like to be in 10 years time?" question. I don't think either is dodgy or out of place.

We have had video calls, not phone calls. Again, I don't think that's concerning - in my job we interviewed people in senior positions on the basis of Zoom calls, and I know wayyy more about him! We also know each others' families a bit: remember we have that old schoolday past. His dad was a teacher and he knows many members of my family.

I think that's been the confusing part. As long as I treat him like an online date "stranger", I think it will be ok.

Thank you so much. Your list is really very helpful. The baby & finances thing were discussed in context. I asked him where he wanted to be in 10 years time. I don't think those things were unrealistic or weird, and they didn't put pressure on me. But yes, the weed is concerning. Most nights for 3 months. He has stopped before but as someone pointed out, that's just a pause. I could say the same for my relationship with alcohol.

Yes, his siblings live quite close to me, so it would make sense for him to move in this direction - although he could be more near them than me, still. He is being very careful about his next rooting and I've reminded him to "go alone", i.e. make the right decision for himself, perhaps as though he were already married and with kids with someone else.

Yes, you are right, I need to be wary and also to remember I don' owe him anything, and that i should protect myself.

Thank you for this. I think there is a fine line between asking "what do you want from your life/a relationship?" and building a fantasy world. In effect, that question does draw out "what is your fantasy?" doesn't it? It creates a hypothetical existence. I think as long as both parties are grounded, it's ok. I've pointed out to him that regardless of whether he and I remain "just friends", he would be a shit father currently due to his weed habit.

I'm not lonely. I have a vibrant social life and various interesting projects. BUT I do care about him. We have a great, brother-sister type vibe going on, possibly with more chemistry, and it might be fun to explore that. But I'm not going to lose my head over some man, and he knows that.

I don't think I have regressed to adolescence, but a friend of mine said it very well - 1) we recognise the pattern of familiarity, and we are attracted to it, even if it is not healthy for us, and 2) successful people who had a shit childhood often attract those individuals in later years, there can be the creation of a fantasy for the other.

You've got from He always had a bit of a thing for me at school but I was a teenager and not really that bothered.

via a couple of decades of adoring each other somehow arising from not being bothered and having no contact, some Zoom calls and a long standing weed addiction, to:

It could be a beautiful way to create a love story. He is a committed, sensitive person. We could grow old together, work together, I believe we would get on well.

I'm thinking you've definitely filled in some gaps to get there. I think Love Story is the key phrase here. Don't try to shoehorn the reality into one. It's a lovely thought that you'll have someone to grow old with, but it doesn't necessarily need to be this man, just because he fancied you a couple of decades ago, he won't be the only one that did, or will in future.

Bloody hell op, chill your beans! The man is a complete stranger but you feel you know him which is very dangerous. You don’t know him and what you know of him isn’t great. If you had let this man online and knew all that history, would you have been interested in meeting? Because I wouldn’t .

Let him sort his life out. If he comes and lives in your town then you can meet him as a friend. That’s it. If you then get to know each other and there is some attraction then decide if this is someone you want around your kids etc.

Yes, Greeen, I was in a hugely different place at school, it was a very long time ago & boys weren’t on my radar! What I meant was that there is relationship potential. So far, weed aside, i like what I see & he shows promise, but yes, I don’t have to settle for him or for anyone. I’ve been happy alone all this time.

Thank you. Yes, I need to chill, he needs to chill. You’re right. Best to treat him as an online stranger, that’s wise. Yeahhh, also true, his decisions are his. If he lives closer by, we can keep the friendship, that’s true. I’ve suggested we take teeny tiny steps from there & see how it goes. I think maybe he needed to hear that a much as I did. It’s easy to get caught up in the stream of possibilities - none of them may be desirable. Thanks!

He's a divorced socially isolated weed-smoker in his 40s living with his mum. Yeah, definitely not after your money or your house.

Sorry OP, he may well have some lovely sensitive qualities, which would be much easier to show over zoom or on meet-ups, but the reality of who he is day-to-day is not some dream guy ripe for a beautiful love story. The weed should be a dealbreaker and just hoping he'd give it up is the first step on a slippery slope. Keep your feet firmly on the ground and deal in realities, not romantic fantasies. Even the most sorted partners have baggage at our age, and he's far from the most sorted. Be a friend, if you still get on in person, but keep any relationship thoughts shelved until you well and truly know him - and he's given up the weed for good. Whatever you do, do not even consider having a babies with him for a loooooooong time. You sound like you and your DC are doing well so it's more about what he can add to your life rather than you risking it all to make his better.

He smokes weed. That's it as far as I would be concerned. No chance. Meet for a catch-up by all means, but make him stay in a hotel. Don't allow him in your home, and don't start a relationship with him, because he is already in a long-term relationship. With drugs.

I forgot the bisexual bit. Course it's fine to be bi, but again it feels like you're editing the reality of who he is to fit the fantasy version, telling yourself his long-term relationships have been with women... yeah, but they haven't worked out too well, so no reason to think it wouldn't be an issue. I'm glad you're being smart about it now and going to be very circumspect. Just stay alert to all these things and try not to reframe them if you get swept away by how he's presenting himself. The bottom line is there's a lot that could go wrong here and you don't need it. You didn't even like him back then and haven't seen him since. You're more likely to be compatible with the next guy on the street as this one, in truth.

Just going to reply to the comment you left me then I'm out.

You asked how is this different from meeting on an online platform. The difference is not planning babies and making up love stories in your head about living happily ever after.

Go ahead and treat it as a first date from tinder or bumble. But that means going in with a completely different mindset. Have you dated online before?

There are so many red flags. But honestly if you're still prepared to consider him when he smokes weed and you have kids I don't see the point in talking to you. Of course he'll make promises. He lives with his mum. He wants to live with you - and your kids. Hell would freeze over before I introduced him into my kids lives.

I can't believe you've talked about babies and are thinking about a relationship with someone you haven't seen for so long. Also, he's a self-confessed pot head, a good enough reason to run right there.

Honest advice - meet for a coffee in a public place and remind yourself you do not know this person at all.

You knew of him when you were a kid and that's making you think you know him as a person now. You have already lowered your defences by a ridiculous amount, and your head is sadly in the clouds. You don't know this man at all, and there are so many red flags it's crazy. I fear your judgement is way, way off with this man.

OP,

He's not an old friend. You've said you didn't really know him at school.

He's someone who went to your school, what, over 25 years ago?

He's a bisexual male with a chequered past.

You are in your 40s, and consider that you are still able to have children.

You have got caught up in a fantasy.

Please reign it in, for you and your children's sake.

I think you’re splitting hairs on “old friend”. I knew him at school, we were in same sets & we talked a few times. I would have called him a friend back then. He certainly wasn’t a stranger. We knew each other aged 8/9 to about 17.

We’ve been speaking frequently for a few hours at a time. It’s not like he’s a total stranger, and I’m not completely deranged. I’m working out whether I want a relationship with this person, it has been necessary to consider if he wants kids. It’s a natural thing to consider.

Yes, true, just because I knew him then doesn’t mean I know him now - nor him me. I wouldn’t actually say that I don’t know him “at all”. I have a reasonable idea of his personality, history, trauma, growth. He’s known my family & I’ve known his. I’m not coming to it totally cold. But a lot has happened since we last saw each other in person. We have spent a great deal of time talking in these last months, too, and we have a large number of people in common - who I’ve consistently stayed in touch with.