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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated man I was seeing went back to his wife but is now bombarding me with texts and calls and regrets it.

55 replies

JustDanc3 · 27/08/2022 19:37

I was seeing a man who I had met from a dating app several months ago. He was very upfront and said he had been separated a few years but hasn't divorced for more financial reasons than anything.
We had the most beautiful relationship until his wife was aware he was seeing someone else and continually made things difficult.
She then out of the blue tells him she wants to reconcile the marriage... His knee jerk reaction was to break it off with me immediately..
He realised he made a mistake a few days later and I gave him another chance as he was genuinely remorseful.
Another couple of months go by and his wife presses him.
I saw him a few days ago and after allowing me to be intimate with him he then ends it with me to go back to her. I was heartbroken but accepted it
I've decided to go NC and block him.. Until he started messaging me from another number to say he's made a huge mistake and regrets it and it's me he wants.
I've just started to find a way to get past it and he's now landed this on me.
I know I need to tell him to do one and have seif respect...but he's genuinely the first person I've loves for so very long.
I know he's undeserving of my love.
I don't know what to do.. Cliche I know.. But head says one thing and heart says another :(

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 27/08/2022 19:39

You need to block him on the new number.

If I am been generous he isn't over his wife and therefore isn't available.

mathanxiety · 27/08/2022 19:42

You have a player on your hands. He wants the thrill of thinki g two women would fight for him.

Block.

Move on.

Nugg · 27/08/2022 19:43

Good lord. He's not called Pete is he 😂🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

mathanxiety · 27/08/2022 19:43

And he is a liar too on top of being a player. He was never separated. Just an adulterer.

mathanxiety · 27/08/2022 19:46

What happened was that his wife realized he was cheating on her with you and got legal advice. She then spelled out to him how much he stood to lose if he carried on cheating, and that she would tell all of his their mutual friends and families about his affair.

Original poster
JustDanc3 · 27/08/2022 19:54

mathanxiety · 27/08/2022 19:46

What happened was that his wife realized he was cheating on her with you and got legal advice. She then spelled out to him how much he stood to lose if he carried on cheating, and that she would tell all of his their mutual friends and families about his affair.

I'm fairly sure it was a loose version of this tbh. You're right. He already told me what he stood to lose if he got divorced and his fears she would be nasty re contact and his child

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 27/08/2022 19:57

What do you love about this person who likely cheated on his wife and definitely used you for sex repeatedly- if he was genuine, would a shag be the obvious reconciliation technique..?

What’s the attraction?

Justmuddlingalong · 27/08/2022 20:01

If you allow him to muck you about again, then this will be your foreseeable future. It doesn't matter that you love him, as to put it bluntly, he doesn't love you. You're an option, not a choice. 💐

viques · 27/08/2022 20:05

Get a big piece of paper and write on it I deserve better than a lying cheat.

Stick it on the wall opposite your bed so it is the first thing you see every morning.

Softplayhooray · 27/08/2022 20:06

OP the lies (his lies) just radiate from your post - clearly he was still with his W when you guys met, as her being happy (or not) with him dating someone would not for one second stop him from dating you. The easiest way to move on is by realising he's a congenital cheat and liar and you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. Also sadly you don't know the real him because he's just lied to you all this time, so you fell in love with a bit of a ghost. And mit an exciting 007 style one either - just a garden variety middle aged lying shlob. You can do so much better!

Jellybean23 · 27/08/2022 20:07

He's going to be one of these men who'll always be tethered to his wife, Block, block . block.

Sandra1984 · 27/08/2022 20:11

He’s a head fu-k with very little empathy, I mean…what type of person has sex with you then tells you right after he’s going back to his wife? Horrible man.He may be enjoying this game of going back and fourth between you and the wife so there’s a bit of narcissistic behaviour there. Plus his wife seems to have incredible power over him. Leave him before your self esteem gets more shattered.

Hillsidehigh · 27/08/2022 20:13

He’s played you like a fiddle, get some self respect

TiaraBoo · 27/08/2022 20:19

Well tell him when he has the divorce certificate in his hand he’s welcome to contact you and see if you’re free to go out.

Sandra1984 · 27/08/2022 20:21

TiaraBoo · 27/08/2022 20:19

Well tell him when he has the divorce certificate in his hand he’s welcome to contact you and see if you’re free to go out.

This. Then move on.

Name99 · 27/08/2022 20:25

You know you deserve so much better than this.
Block him and thank your lucky stars you've seen him for what he is.

Original poster
JustDanc3 · 27/08/2022 20:26

You're all right. You really are.
I just was doing ok going NC until he contacted me via another phone. I also don't think I could ever move past the fact he allowed me to be intimate with him then he ended it :(.. I just felt so used

OP posts:
GG1986 · 27/08/2022 21:21

You could go back to him, but it won't end well. It's already complicated and even if this time you did make a go of things, the ex wife will still be hanging around and you won't be able to trust him. Move on, tell him to leave you alone. You deserve better x

jetadore · 27/08/2022 21:45

I think you have 2 choices here, go NC and block every time he contacts, or have him treat you like a yo-yo on a string until he decides he’s had enough of you.

bigspoonlittlespoon · 27/08/2022 21:49

I think the whole separation was a lie. He's been with her the whole time.

Don't waste any more time on this piece of shit. He's not who you thought you were in love with.

Block him, block him and block him again.

JimJamJollyWolly · 27/08/2022 22:44

Split for A FEW YEARS and his wife suddenly started made life difficult when he met you?

Either you've been spun a line or we are?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2022 22:58

You were used and sadly you allowed it. How many times does he have to prove what a lying, cheating piece of shit he is before you finally believe it. I would bet my house he's fucking other women as well, playing this same game with them.

Ohhhhladz · 27/08/2022 23:03

Tell him NOT to contact you, directly or indirectly, by ANY means. Not by telephone or text or email or face to face or letter or telegram or skywriting or carrier pigeon or smoke signals or any other way. If he can't comply with that request, it's not a sign that he loves you and needs you and can't live without you, it's a sign that he'll do whatever the hell he wants no matter how much it hurts you.

I can understand wanting to give someone a second chance, but he's on his, what, fourth? It's just not possible. If you still have feelings for him after everything he's done to you, then no contact and no possibility of contact is the best, fastest way to get over him. But also consider that you're more likely in love with the idea of who you thought he was and the relationship you thought the two of you could have; you don't actually even know "the real him".

PiecesofFive · 28/08/2022 00:06

mathanxiety · 27/08/2022 19:46

What happened was that his wife realized he was cheating on her with you and got legal advice. She then spelled out to him how much he stood to lose if he carried on cheating, and that she would tell all of his their mutual friends and families about his affair.

I think @mathanxiety was bang on the money with this one.

I hope you've not dumped a perfectly decent guy for this knight in shining armour.

JanePrentiss · 28/08/2022 00:29

If he's made the wrong decision reconciling with his wife the his priority should surely be seperating, moving out, looking at divorce and if there are children sorting out access and support. Once he is fully Seperate / divorced he can look at dating as a single person... Oh... Hang on.. That will be too time consuming, expensive and complicated for a player who's after a shag.

Block and avoid him op, you can do better!