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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated man I was seeing went back to his wife but is now bombarding me with texts and calls and regrets it.

55 replies

JustDanc3 · 27/08/2022 19:37

I was seeing a man who I had met from a dating app several months ago. He was very upfront and said he had been separated a few years but hasn't divorced for more financial reasons than anything.
We had the most beautiful relationship until his wife was aware he was seeing someone else and continually made things difficult.
She then out of the blue tells him she wants to reconcile the marriage... His knee jerk reaction was to break it off with me immediately..
He realised he made a mistake a few days later and I gave him another chance as he was genuinely remorseful.
Another couple of months go by and his wife presses him.
I saw him a few days ago and after allowing me to be intimate with him he then ends it with me to go back to her. I was heartbroken but accepted it
I've decided to go NC and block him.. Until he started messaging me from another number to say he's made a huge mistake and regrets it and it's me he wants.
I've just started to find a way to get past it and he's now landed this on me.
I know I need to tell him to do one and have seif respect...but he's genuinely the first person I've loves for so very long.
I know he's undeserving of my love.
I don't know what to do.. Cliche I know.. But head says one thing and heart says another :(

OP posts:
wafflesandeggs · 28/08/2022 04:32

Never waste your time on someone that isn’t 100% sure that they want to be with you.

Block and delete on all platforms. Change your number and email addresses (and set up filters of you can’t). Do not answer messages, not even to tell him you are not interested.

category12 · 28/08/2022 07:33

He's already fucked you over twice. There's nothing different about this time. How could you ever trust him?

Block him. If he keeps trying to get round your blocks, tell him it's harassment and you'll go to the cops.

Original poster
JustDanc3 · 28/08/2022 07:53

I've ignored everything and just blocked the other number. It is really hard but all of these comments are right

OP posts:
londonlass71 · 28/08/2022 08:04

"Allowing me to be intimate with him". Wow. He didn't "allow" you. You chose to. As much as he has played you, you have some responsibility in this too. He didn't "allow" you. You wanted to. You still can't finish with him - this is now on you OP. You need to stop this ridiculous back and forth. He is doing it because he knows he can.

WhenDovesFly · 28/08/2022 08:10

Sorry you're going through this OP. He used you in an awful way, being intimate and ending it straight after. I wouldn't be able to get past that.

If you were to have a relationship with this man you'll forever have problems with a difficult ex. It's not worth the hassle. He's definitely not over her either.

If he contacts you again via another number then tell him he's harassing you and you'll report him if he doesn't leave you alone.

Original poster
JustDanc3 · 28/08/2022 08:21

londonlass71 · 28/08/2022 08:04

"Allowing me to be intimate with him". Wow. He didn't "allow" you. You chose to. As much as he has played you, you have some responsibility in this too. He didn't "allow" you. You wanted to. You still can't finish with him - this is now on you OP. You need to stop this ridiculous back and forth. He is doing it because he knows he can.

I meant in the sense he allowed intimacy to take place knowing full well he was going to end it. I know I made a choice to be intimate. I just know I wouldn't have if I had known he was going to end it.

OP posts:
TeaWithPaddington · 28/08/2022 08:22

He hasn't been separated for years. He's lying. He is probably with her all along and messing about on dating sites for a thrill. He is a player. His wife is probably aware of what he has done/does and this is where her power over him comes in. She could probably destroy him in one swoop.

You deserve better. It sounds like you're missing something in your life but this guy is going to destroy you. Move on. Change your number so he can't contact you from another number. Get a hobby or do something exciting to take your mind off of him.

His wife also deserves better! Hope she gets rid of him.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/08/2022 08:24

You feel used because you have been used sadly.

he was never separated. You know that right?

PinaColadaSunset · 28/08/2022 08:28

Sorry OP, he has been lying throughout. He possibly doesn’t know what the truth is any more because he has been lying for so long.

Delete and block. Don’t even respond to him. He isn’t worth your time and energy. Finishing with you after intimacy proves the kind of person he is. You don’t need him in your life. Keep away.

Hiddenvoice · 28/08/2022 08:36

Sorry op, sounds like he was lying the whole time. He wants to keep you around so he can have both you and his wife but I doubt he would even tell her about it. He’s cheating and thinks if he confesses his feelings for you then you will crumble and take him back.
Stay strong, keep blocking and ignoring him!
Spend time focussing on you and do things you want to do/ hang out with friends. Try not give him another thought!

ThePresentTimeIsNow · 28/08/2022 08:38

Sorry for how you've been treated. Protect yourself, be your own best friend. Block him further and don't have anything to do with him. These behaviours are unattractive. Step up on self-care and move on.

Fireflygal · 28/08/2022 08:40

He is a player so I hope you had safe sex.

If you lose any resolve consider how badly he has treated his wife, child and you. He is lying about his wife. She is probadly a long suffering wife who is trying to keep the family together for the sake of her daughter or because she isn't finanically able to separate. If you have been on MN you will have seen posts from women on this situation.

Have empathy for his wife and child and see him for who he is, a lying, manipulative man who uses people.

I bet he is back on the dating sites.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/08/2022 08:44

I’d be highly sceptical that anything he said was true regarding his wife unless you saw/heard it for yourself.

if I were you I’d change phone numbers so that he cannot contact you again from any phone.

CJsGoldfish · 28/08/2022 08:54

What do you mean you don't know what to do?
You've been shagging a married man for 'several months' so hardly a 'real' relationship. He's pretty much a stranger but you know all you need to know about him. ie. He's married.
What you do is you either block him and never see him again or you go on being one of his bits on the side. Just don't complain about being second or third or fourth best if you go down that path 🤷‍♀️

Firty · 28/08/2022 08:54

He’s dumped you twice. See him for who he is. He’s never going to make you happy… How dare he treat you so badly?!

He’s trying to turn you into the other woman. If you let him back in your life he’ll shag you while moaning for years about how it isn’t time to leave his wife.

You deserve better OP.

6079SmithW · 28/08/2022 09:00

Hi @JustDanc3 🙂
I have been through something similar and at the time I felt I’d never get over it, but I did. You already know that you are doing the right thinking blocking all contact, now you just need some resolve to keep yourself blocking all contact whilst you heal. I found that I tend to think of my friends and family better than I do for myself, so he imagine that this was happening to your sister/best friend and get angry about it! They wouldn’t deserve to be treated in this way and neither do you. Then hold on to that feeling every time you feel even tempted to contact him. Give it time. One day you’ll realise that you don’t have to have any resolve anymore, because you just don’t want to. Take good care of yourself 🤗

LemonDrop22 · 28/08/2022 09:30

JustDanc3 · 28/08/2022 08:21

I meant in the sense he allowed intimacy to take place knowing full well he was going to end it. I know I made a choice to be intimate. I just know I wouldn't have if I had known he was going to end it.

Show quote history

Op that was obvious to anyone with a brain.

I honestly wonder what goes on with some MN posters; they just feel compelled to be contrary, provocatjve, argumentative and tell people off all the time.

GreenManalishi · 28/08/2022 09:42

You're being pushed around like a wheelbarrow, the only person that can allow him to keep pinging back and forth like this is you, and potentially his wife, but what she decides is her business.

Get an STD check and draw a line under this one. The beautiful relationship you feel this was needs a bit of a realistic light shedding on it, and hopefully the replies you have had will help. Tell your close friends and family the truth about what's been going on, not some rose tinted romantic version, and ask them for support while you get your head back on straight.

If all it takes for him to set your knees trembling again is for him to text you from another number then you've got some work to do girl! He will string you along like this for years if you let him, I have seen it happen. You will be miserable and he still won't give a shit about you, you are disposable to him. Call time!

Original poster
JustDanc3 · 28/08/2022 10:45

I won't be replying to anything quite simply because I can't get past of forgive him for allowing the intimacy to happen knowing full well he was going to end it.. I can't get past that.

OP posts:
germsandcoffee · 28/08/2022 11:02

He's playing you 🤷‍♀️

Upsidedownagain · 28/08/2022 11:07

Keep strong. Even if his story were true down to the last detail, he has messed you around and doesn't know what he wants. A man in love would be focused on the woman they loved and treat her with consideration.

Sandra1984 · 28/08/2022 13:37

JustDanc3 · 28/08/2022 10:45

I won't be replying to anything quite simply because I can't get past of forgive him for allowing the intimacy to happen knowing full well he was going to end it.. I can't get past that.

Yes, that’s horrible and shows a huge lack of empathy on his part.

Original poster
JustDanc3 · 28/08/2022 15:24

Sandra1984 · 28/08/2022 13:37

Yes, that’s horrible and shows a huge lack of empathy on his part.

Show quote history

It's just completely selfish and cruel.

OP posts:
Hillsidehigh · 28/08/2022 15:37

You were convenient, he was never separated, get some self respect and stay the fuck away from married men

OldFan · 28/08/2022 15:43

Block him on anything and any new numbers he contacts you on, don't reply and block. You could tell him you don't want any further contact and that it'll count as harrassment if he contacts you again.

If he'd just done it once I'd say tell him to come back after he has a divorce, but it's too much that he betrayed you twice. Even when divorced he could still get back with her again as a couple if she was up for it, so he could do it to you again. Sad Angry

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