Long term user, new account to post an issue that’s been troubling me for a long time. On one hand I think it’s narcissism, control and manipulation; and on the other I’m so confused as to what the hell this is. It is bloody toxic though.
It concerns my parents, primarily my mother, and more recently, my father (although perhaps it’s always been both). I don’t want to drip feed too much or be to revealing, but their behaviour has struck something in me recently that I no longer want to engage as it’s never positive for me, or fosters any love or support ie not conductive to a good outcome. I’ve been more troubled by guilt recently on this as DH and I are emigrating. DH has recently lost his mother and is of the opinion I should see them before I go etc so I can be the morally righteous one, not have regrets should anything happen etc. however…
My parents have been hellish. Most of my life, however we have functioned, or mainly I accepted the control and manipulation. Now I’m a lot older, wiser, I see them and their nonsense and I don’t have time for it.
Some recent examples are hellish messages I’ve received from my mother and volumes of vitriol all centred around how I DARED to elope to get married (lol) and how difficult it is for THEM, and how we have not ACCEPTED PRESENTS from their friends and family. To be clear, we are private people, who don’t want a fuss, didn’t invite anyone and want people to spend their own money on themselves. We are acutely aware times are hard, hence we graciously declined peoples generosity, but this wasn’t enough for my mother. The same mother who persistently sent me ‘mother of the bride’ outfit pictures of ‘what she would have worn, had she been invited’. The same mother who didn’t congratulate me or my new DH on the day of the wedding or thereafter. Not even a card. Parents are furious I didn’t have the wedding of the century, and that they couldn’t shout about it on Facebook etc. Far be it their concern their only daughter should actually marry someone she loves, you know, for the right reasons! That doesn’t matter to them though;
I stupidly tried to engage them in advance of eloping out of respect and they made it all about them. Over FaceTime they cried, raged, but never once said they were happy for us. They then ignored both DH and I and the imminent wedding in all subsequent comms. I’ve not seen them
since April and have no desire to. We married shortly thereafter. Parents notably absent in the nice messages of congratulations we received, cards, genuinely people happy for us - that’s all we asked.
The latest in a long line of abuse has come with the fore mentioned string of vitriol and rage you could expect from the narcissist that is being ignored. I suspect my mother is a narcissist and my father an enabler. When my mother kicks off, I just ignore her. No point in engaging. Well she raged, continuously on message, managing to bring my DH into matters to guilt trip me for daring not to reply to her latest outbursts centred around me not complying with her demands, essentially. She starts: ‘does DH know you are ignoring your mother’ etc.
Then I get the messages from father ‘speak to your mother’. I ask him if he knows why I’m not speaking with her to which he replies no, and neither does she. I then tell him it’s the way she treats me and messages she sends and he says he’s read them and ‘what’s the issue’. The issue is that the messages essentially say ‘what is wrong with you, why are you refusing gifts, this is difficult for us as parents’ (it has nothing to do with them, it’s my life); and ‘answer me, one day you will be sorry’ (of course the latter is the threat about her dying and I should feel guilty for not accepting her shit, like this is my fault. When all that fails, she tries the heartstrings by bringing DH into it so he can know what a terrible person his wife is..
So my father refuses to see that both my mother and his behaviour is completely out of order by extension by closing ranks and thinking that’s acceptable. My difficulty now is we are emigrating. My father is very troubled by this and can’t understand why we won’t see them/don’t come to see them and in fact following up my ignoring of both parents after my father refused to see the issue with a question of why do I not come to see them. Why would I want to? They’ve never once said they’re happy for me/us, only offer negativity and are deeply bitter and troubled people. I just want to live my life and be happy. They bring me down so much.
I feel a bit guilt tripped by the move and DH saying I should see them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know if I’m stupid enough to reply it just escalates. I said to my father before I cut off his comms that mother should apologise and not repeat that, he doesn’t see the issue. If I re-engage I feel like I’m condoning their nonsense and so, the cycle repeats.
I am utterly done with the frustration of this, the guilt and heartbreak. They aren’t what I want and I’m clearly not what they want. We are no good to one another. DH on the one hand tells me he can’t stand seeing me upset about it all the time and indulging it and to walk away which I have done; and on the other that I should see them before we emigrate. Which fucking is it? I can’t win. DH even floated the idea of one big ‘last family Christmas’ with both families before we leave wtf. I said don’t be ridiculous.
I’m sorry this is terribly long and not very cogent. I just don’t know where to turn. There’s huge amounts more to this as there is with every story, but these are the main and recent highlights. I’d really appreciate any advice.