Starting again at 40 - the reality?

[parkloaf]

So it's very new and raw that DH left me and our young children after 10 years of marriage

I guess I just want to know that this isn't it. That I won't be alone forever now. I don't need a man to define me but it's been the best part of 18 years I was with him. The thought of starting again is frightening

Believe me that I don't want to jump back in the pool as soon as the ink is dry on our divorce but I guess I'd like to hear some nice stories that you've gone on to meet someone better and you're happy and how you met?

I think I fear feeling lonely the most

You are still young.

I started again at a similar age and started a new mortgage. I'm 54 now and happy.

@RuthW

Did you go on to meet someone else?

Yes. I now have a long term partner. Been with him 9 years. We choose to live in separate houses though as it suits us.

At the time I was devastated when ex left but it was the making of me. The best thing ever and made me the strong independent woman I am today.

@RuthW

Yes I think ultimately that would be what I would do. My children are very young and I can't imagine bringing someone into their (my) home

It's sad to think I won't ever share a life again like I've had with DH - it wasn't all bad.

Don't pin all of your hopes (for happiness) on meeting somebody else.
It's bound to be so wrapped up in your identity just after a breakup, being one half of a couple, so much so that you can't imagine being happy single. But that is not carved in stone. I left my x at 37, dated a bit, now I'm single at 52 and I have my own house, pension, security from 35 hour per week job, freedom because my DC are a bit older, feel a bit braver and excited about the children growing up. Whereas a few of my coupled up friends are apprehensive aboutempty nest. THAT will be their moment of redefinition and I feel like I already went through mine.

It's just happened though. It's going to hurt. Be kind to yourself right now and do what makes you feel a bit better right now. Don't make it extra complicated by having a vision of how you see the future MUST go.

Just do what brings you a little bit of peace or joy right now.

Very similar story to @RuthW as it happens. Took a while to get there, but it's possible. I think meeting someone who was in a position to keep living in his own home was important to me (and him) as we both had school-age teenagers when we met.

@SpindleInTheWind

Thankfully

I think it will be years until I'm ready

I think the thoughts of the future are so overwhelming

And Christ the thought of OLD is awful

im thinking exactly the same as you, but I am 50. 30 years together and feel too fat and old. I don’t want to throw myself into a relationship but I wish I was 40 😊 I am just trying to focus on getting fit and loosing weight. I’ve taken up smoking which is absolutely ridiculous but somehow it just happened!!

Forty year olds have no idea how young they look!

I wouldn't go near OLD.
I did in my 40s and it really ground me down and depleted me and lowered my self worth. I recovered and I understood that although I had never valued myself more respectfully, society had never valued me less. So I had to recalibrate that. And I did, it was ok.

But If I had my forties again I would skip the OLD and I would do things I loved for the love of them trusting that that would make me attract in people who were resonating in a similar way.
Even if all of those things are activities frequented by women, yoga, dressmaking, pottery, I think doing what you LOVE attracts the right person for you.

And if it doesn't you are doing what you love.

@J0y

I think I've aged 20 years since it happened

On the plus side the heartbreak diet is fantastic

My ex left after 14 years when I was 42. I dated, but was single for 4 years. Met someone and have been together for 4 years now. Not living together is wonderful, every time we see each other it's date night. It has kept it feeling new and fresh..

We will never live together as neither of us are interested in doing that, and honestly it's fantastic.

I've never been happier.

@IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback

That's lovely! How did you meet?

And Christ the thought of OLD is awful

OMG I tried it once and what a bloody disaster that was! Luckily DP and I didn't meet through OLD. We met through mutual friends by complete accident. We were both divorced single parents. (His teens lived with him full-time.) It was awfully complicated so by necessity we have had to take things slowly. Then one day, hurrah! - everybody was an adult.

Keep up your friendship groups, go to events, and you might be suprised who you eventually bump into.

But please do have a lot of 'healing time' for yourself first. I had years of reflection, tbh, during which I completely cut ExH out of my life because he was too disruptive to my sense of well-being and security.

I became single through choice at 40 with a young child. It was tough after 25 years of marriage but after being determined to remain single I met a lovely man and this year we celebrate 10 years together. We kept our separate homes until 2 years ago but it felt right to move forward once the children were older. There are some good ones out there but my advice is to take time to heal and become you again before even thinking about a new relationship 😁

I don't have a big friendship group at all and I'm definitely going to try and work on that

I know exactly what you are going through. Feel free to send me a message. It's an awful time.

My mum met her now husband in her 40's. I was similar age when I met my man. Life is only beginning for you :)

@RuthW

Thankyou I will - I just feel so terribly lost x

I was 48 when my long marriage ended. I met DP at 50 via OLD and couldn’t be happier.

Re OLD, I used a paid site and was rigorous about who I would chat to. I only communicated with people who contacted me first. I was very clear about what I wanted.

DP was the second date I went on and there were sparks like I’ve never known. We’ve been together a year and life is lovely. X

@Ffordecortana Is it difficult when you're going through the menopause or will do in the imminent future?

@Ffordecortana

That's really good to hear! Yes I think if I had to go down OLD I will be more than clear - I don't want casual sex / casual undefined relationships. Ultimately I want friendship, companionship, someone to be "my person"
Someone who wants to and enjoys spending time with me

OP I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I am 41 and separated from my DH at Easter after 21 years together.
It was absolutely terrifying, and I still have moments of panic and find myself crying sometimes whilst out walking the dog!

But, I met someone very unexpectedly through mutual friends a few weeks ago and it's something I honestly thought I'd never be ready for again.
We're taking it very, very slowly and whether it'll go any further I don't know. I'm just enjoying it for what it is at the moment.
Good luck, you are stronger than what you think. My DD really keeps me going!

Hi
After 20 years together, 13 married and 1 DS I was single again at 42 through my decision. Absolutely expected / hoped to have a series of ‘nice’ relationships with some decent blokes. I was adamant I would never get married or live with anyone again. First relationship was a 6 weeks disaster! Too soon after split with ex (about 6 months). Next one was 4 years with ‘nice guy’ good companionship etc which kind of reached a natural end when he wanted more commitment than I want to give . Then met my now husband 😊 who I absolutely adore and who absolutely adores me. Totally in love and v v happy. So yes it is entirely possible to start again and be incredibly happy

@Namechange85

Thankyou! And tentative congratulations on your new relationship

I don't have many friends so fear meeting someone through mutual friends would be difficult but at least it's also a reason to widen my friendship circle