Starting again at 40 - the reality?

[parkloaf]

So it's very new and raw that DH left me and our young children after 10 years of marriage

I guess I just want to know that this isn't it. That I won't be alone forever now. I don't need a man to define me but it's been the best part of 18 years I was with him. The thought of starting again is frightening

Believe me that I don't want to jump back in the pool as soon as the ink is dry on our divorce but I guess I'd like to hear some nice stories that you've gone on to meet someone better and you're happy and how you met?

I think I fear feeling lonely the most

Lots and lots of people become single in their 40s and much later.
Many find another partner, many don’t. Enjoy your new found freedom would be my advice.

What @J0y said, in spades.

IF you are living the life you want or the life you are able - not necessarily the same thing of course - you MAY meet someone. Equally you may not. But at least you are being true to yourself and discovering along the way.

I also agree with @J0y be very dubious about internet dating. Women are often devalued there, maybe because by definition you’re “available”, even to the biggest idiot on the planet? Who bloody knows the reason, but be-ware!

I'm also in the same position. 41 and husband left two weeks ago. I have two young children. I'm here to chat if you want x

My 20 year marriage ended when I was in my 40s. Now I am approaching 50 and have been with a great guy for 3 years. We met through mutual interests. (He is a bit younger and hot as heck, but I think the universe is being kind to me 😉)

If anything, I think I have become a lot more picky. Didn't introduce him to the kids for a long time, and have definite boundaries and expectations, but I am probably a better partner these days too as I can see the little things that ate away at my marriage and make an effort not to repeat the same mistakes. You can be with someone and still lonely. I've also got to know myself a lot more and am proud of what I have achieved over the past few years.

I am also not in a rush for us to move in together, as I cherish the time I get to myself. It's going to be hard to give that up (especially when I sprawled over the bed, eating toast for dinner with a glass of wine, a trashy box set and very hairy legs 😁) (Yes I know that's possible in marriage too, but it's nice not having to share sometimes!).

So advice? Think about what makes you happy, and make the most of your own company. Once you value yourself, then you'll be in a good frame of mind for dating.

@zonky Imho, menopause can be a bit tricky but new (ish) partner is well aware that women go through this (!) and we have chatted a lot about it. Amazing how much a bit of loving support can help.

@HyggeandTea

I definitely need to get back into "interests" but with 3 young children - 2 who are under age of 3 and it being unlikely DH will have them any more than every other weekend I just don't know how I will manage to do it

Hey Op.....

Sorry about your circumstances

I have nothing to add, other than thanks for starting this thread!
I was having a bit of a down day today.....

Nearly 40, no (can't have) kids, divorced last year after 15 years, lost a beautiful fur baby a year ago, no family, weight gain due to comfort eating,..... meh..... Just shit....

And , I hate to say it, but sometimes just knowing it's not just you going through this makes it a tiny tiny bit more bearable.....

I do all the things "they" say I should, joined clubs, reached out to friends, always say yes to invites, throw myself into work.... But sometimes, it's really hard to keep moving forward, when it's you you're following.....

Anyway, best of luck..... Life begins at 40 (apparently !) .....

You're still so young but I hear why you're concerned. I had exactly the same fears as you. I separated at 39 with 2 young children after a 13 year relationship. Fell quickly into a rebound who was all kinds of wrong but it's part of my story. I spotted the red flags early and got rid. I then spent a very content 2.5 years single. Focused on my work, my children and spending time with friends doing things I enjoyed. I was fearful that I could indeed trust myself to choose wisely with a man and wanted to understand myself better. I spent some time working myself out and strengthened my boundaries tenfold. I made a list of non negotiables. Tried online dating for about 18 hours and realised that I still wasn't ready. My best friend introduced me to someone when I turned 43 who is just made for me. I've never felt more content and excited about life. I was fearful when my marriage ended but knew that being alone was far better than feeling alone in a relationship. Take
Some time for yourself. Work out who you are 18 years later and prioritise your and your kid's happiness xxx

I divorced at 38, my decision. 2 dc. And tbh I was just relieved, I wish I’d done it years ago.

Anyway I’m 42 now and been with DP for about 18months. We met on tinder! I didn’t mind OLD, of course there are some utter turds, but I went in with the mentality of just having fun and seeing. Honestly, was hoping for a bit more no strings sex before I settled down again!

just focus on yourself for now, it will come.

Thanks all

Seems like OLD can work if you are clear about things - I've never been one for casual no strings attached sex and can't see that happening now!

Meeting through mutual friends or hobbies - seems like I need to get more friends and more hobbies 😂

You're all right though not to jump into things - DH and I separation all very very new I don't even know why I'm worried about meeting someone new when there are a million other things to sort first like the kids, pets, house, finances, jobs, possibly having to move away and so on - another man should be the bottom of my list of worries right now

There's just moments when the kids finally go to bed and I'm sat on the sofa with no one beside me and no one to watch a box set with or talk to that I wonder if this is it now for the rest of my life

@anon12345anon

I'm so sorry you are having a down day - feels like there will be a lot of those ahead - some good days and some not so good ones.

I read a statistic that half of all divorces happen in the 40-44 age group so maybe there will be a few more fish in the pool once we get into our 40s 🤪

My sister is 39 , 10 years older than me . She has so much dating choice she takes care of herself since the split she is so much happier and doesn't want anymore children. She's found the dating scene really good. I think it can be hard if you want children etc but my sister has found the dating pool large because she's completed her family..

Oh god 😂...... Fingers crossed for some nice guys to cross our paths!!

Seriously though, thanks...... Your op totally summed up how I was feeling today.....but you put it into words much better than I would've!

But yeah, up and down days.....I'm sure we'll look back in a few years and laugh..... x

Definitely don't do OLD. You are young! You'll meet someone when the time is right and the chemistry is there.

Being on my own watching I wanted on TV was one of the best parts! You get to do what you want, when you want.

I feel alright today actually but I've got family here to keep me busy

Im finding it hard to navigate how much/how little to update him about the kids - all the silly little videos or photos I'd take of them through the day now just feels weird to send him?

We split up last summer when I was 40. I made a decision not to even think about another relationship before the divorce is through as I knew I needed time (and therapy and, it turned out in the end, drugs- legal ones!) to process what had happened and sort myself out.

It has been an awful year, I'm not going to lie. He has behaved horribly and I honestly wasn't sure how to make it through the day at points. There were many phone calls, just sobbing down the phone at my sister about how awful my life was... God love her for listening... But, the divorce will soon be through, the children and I are moving to a lovely new house (hopefully), I've got a cracking new job and I've gone down 2 dress sizes!

I can highly recommend the book 'Get Divorced, Be Happy'. Helen who wrote it is truly living her best life post-divorce and is my inspiration! She's itsmehelenthorne on Instagram if you're into that sort of thing.

It will be shit OP getting to the other side, but you will be fine once you get there. Good luck!

I started again at 39. To be honest, looking back with the lofty wisdom of being 52, I wish I hadn't invested too much energy into finding a new partner. I wish I'd trusted that it would happen, and just made the most of the years of freedom and young children!

I met DH2 when I'd only been single a year. We've been together ever since, and married for 7 years. I love him and we're happy but there are many lovely things about being single with kids. I wish I'd thrown myself into that life and created my own definition of it.

I did it at 40 due to ExH's financial ineptitude.

It was by far the best decision of my adult life. I had one regrettable rebound relationship and lots of dates before I met DP (OLD). It can be tricky as we've both got baggage from our past lives but I'm fundamentally happy

I do look back and feel proud that I made it through the many shit times. I've got the best relationships with my 2 DC. They are older than yours so perhaps that makes life easier. None of us how have contact with ExH/father

The first year or so can be dark , upsetting and frustrating. You’re making a new life for yourself and your children
i was in your shoes 7 years ago. Very protracted divorce unfortunately (due to his intransigence) BUT, I have built a new career, gained qualifications, made new friendships and am happy
im single because I was date raped a couple of years ago and I am more
wary than I should be and am getting help for that.
Honestly it’s such as individual process and timelines are to be avoided. There is no race, just an unfolding. Put you and your kids front and centre, get help
whwre you can and above all, trust yourself again. It will get better ❤️‍🩹

@Forzatesoro

I'm sorry about your traumatic date rape I hope you getting the help you want/need

@gingertoast @DoingJustFine

Glad you have found a happy ending.

I do feel encouraged by everyone's replies that have gone on to find happiness whether it be in another relationship or just finding happiness in themselves

Don’t kid yourself about OLD. You can be as clear as you like but men are bullshitters and just come back with what you want to hear. You have to go into OLD with open eyes as most men on there are just looking for sex.

Personally, with kids at the age they are, I wouldn’t date seriously for a few years. Just focus on them and give yourself time to heal and do things that you have always wanted to but have never done.

When they are at their dads, I would pursue hobbies and if you do feel the need for some romance then for me casual would actually work better.

just take time to heal first.

@parkloaf

I could have written your post! Although a mere 38

Married 13 years but known each around 20, 2 DC, he told me almost 2 months he wasn't happy and that was that. Marriage over. It's been absolute hell and one of my worries too is will I be alone forever. I've had moments of feeling very unlovable and unwanted.

However, even though I'm at the very start of my journey I know now that I won't always feel like this, that I will be happy again. Counting down the days/weeks for him to finally move out so I can really start to heal. Got some amazing family and friends and have made a list of things I'm going to do for ME over the next year. Counselling is also helping,

We can and we will do this! Although I share your views on OLD, can't imagine there being a time I'll ever feel like I will want to do it 🙈 However, posts on here give me hope!

I split from my wife 2 months before my 40th birthday

Je ne regrette rien

Have met quite a few very interesting ladies since though never "settled down"

@Forevermermaid

Thankyou and glad to hear you feeling optimistic about the future!

What kind of counselling do you do? And how did you source that? I think ultimately I will need it although I have always considered myself a just get on with it sort of person

Sometimes I feel so young to be embarking on this new path and other times so old - I feel I have so much love to give and deserve to be loved In equal measures back by someone who wants to make me happy

Today I'm also shit scared of how I will feel when the kids are with him and the resentment i will feel that I am losing time with them