I need a place to share what’s really going on behind closed doors…

[1246aimee]

Hi, apologies for the incoming download of shit but things are getting out of hand and I need to get this off my chest without the judgement and ‘told you so’s from friends and family. Things are getting so out of hand and I really don’t know what to do…

We have two children (6yo girl and 14 mo boy) and have been together nearly 11 years. The arguments started when our LG was born, mostly around money - I’m shit with it, have no savings etc so can forgive him for these early ones. However, since finding out we were pregnant again he became even more argumentative and hurtful, calling me names and screaming at me infront of our LG, like every week he’d flip because I didn’t answer his question quick enough, or I didn’t remind her to tidy the playroom.

When it came to it, I went into an elective C section with our LB on my own because he didn’t want to go in (I’m pretty sure there’s some post-natal PTSD after our daughter, he just refuses to get help).

He set up his own business 3 years ago and works 24/7 with zero help (not through lack of me trying). He’s an all or nothing man, very ambitious and has to be the best at whatever he sets his mind to. I had a full time job that I loved prior to having our son, and I was made redundant during Mat Leave - he stated that we were financially sound and that there was no pressure to find another job, so we agreed that I’d stay home and raise our family.

Now that my income is zero, the arguments are really severe - as soon as he comes down in the morning it starts. Repetitive name calling to include ‘you’re a selfish b%}h’, ‘you lazy c^t’, ‘you’re a cancer in my life’, ‘f#%k off out of my life’ etc. Each roasting like this will last on average 2 hours and the language is unbearable. Infront of our babies. I walk away from him to make it stop, but it makes him angrier. Sometimes I bite back which I hate myself for, but what am I supposed to do?? He has shaken me twice in the last 4 weeks, gets really up close to my face, grabs my face to force me to look at him, pokes me and pushes me. Arguments are mostly focused on money, and how I never organise anything for the family to do together on his days off, I don’t make him feel loved, I never think of planning nice stuff to do just us… which is true. I don’t do those things because in the past he’s always found an excuse not to go! So many cancelled dinner plans, cinema trips, lunch dates, family days out… he doesn’t seem to comprehend that when he puts me down like he does I have zero will to make him feel ‘special’ 🤦🏻‍♀️ After these rantings we’ve always moved on from them eventually, not mentioning the previous row.

Anyway, today he hit a peak during his daily dose of verbal abuse and told me to leave for my own good - I make him so angry he can no longer control himself and he will likely kill me next time. I wouldn’t say I’m scared, just numb to everything he says if that makes sense? Almost like I don’t believe him.

My family & friends know nothing of what’s going on. I have no money or savings. I have no job. I have two babies whom I love dearly - my heart knows I need to take them away from this, but my head tells me to stay - he’s super tired, stressed, over worked, lonely and all the other excuses/justifications I tell myself. I just don’t know where to go or what to do. Help please! Xx

You need to act the same be the same
you need to telly our parents.or family.
but first I would just get to them.can you pretend your going to visit them?aline with kids?if not can you get out without him noticing safely with the kids.then you drive to your family or friend and you arrive.and you just say dh is going to kill me please help,if they are any kind of parents they will swoop you up and it’s over,your safety starts then.they willNEVER NOT WANT YOU TO GO TO THEM.( usual parental or friendship circumstances apply of course)
thats it.that is it.no thinking just fucking go! Now!
if family really isn’t possible do the same to the police.
just get yourself out of that house as soon as possible.

I can only echo what other posters have said and urge you to leave asap. He has told you that he is likely to kill you. This is not an empty threat. His behaviour is very damaging for you and your kids. Gp via Women's Aid if necessary. They will help you sort everything out. In time, you will be able to get social housing, benefits and maintenance because you have children.

@1246aimee
He’s clearly a violent and abusive man.
Please get out now.
Children can affect some men very negatively-
Why on Earth did he want more?
Violence can so easily escalate-
Get out now-
Don’t become a statistic.
Women’s Aid?

Most posters are telling you to leave as a method of getting him out of your life, the question is how do you keep him from following you.

My inclination would be to stay put get a residence order and restraining order asap, call the police and report the threats, the violence and the controlling and coercive behaviour. Do you have a friend that could come and stay with you for a few nights? Can the children go for a short holiday to relatives, even if you dont want to tell them why?

In the short term running is the safest move, but standing your ground will give you greater safety and stability in the long run, you just need to keep yourself and your children safe.

Are you married or living together?
Renting or mortgaged?
Whose name is on the tenancy.deeds/mortgage.

All these will determine your next move and womens aid should be able to help you with benefits and legal advice.

If she stays, he knows where she is 24/7. A restraining order won't stop him, it will just make him angrier. Police can't be there 24/7. She needs to leave for her own safety.

Dear OP, nothing to add for practical advice, but couldn't read and run. Please, for your and the children's sake get out now. I'm scared for you, and disgusted.

It was by mutual agreement that you gave up your job. Now he is using the fact as a club to beat you with. He sounds absolutely vile, and actually dangerous.

Whatever you do don't blame yourself for not seeing this coming. People are complicated, abusers included, but it doesn't matter.

Just get out. Please. You'll get another job and all the rest in due course. For now, just get yourself away from him.

No, but they can be called out again, and again and again. With a restraining order they have more justification for arrest/refusal of bail/breach of bail.

Strong locks and ideally a friend staying over.

I’m feeling very worried that there has been no update from this poster. Is there anything that can be done to check that she is on?

And what happens when he arrives and follows through with his threat to kill her even though she has a restraining order against him?

Barring orders, protection orders etc etc aren't worth the paper they're written on if the man doesn't care about it. If he knows where she is, she is in more danger.

She needs to be placed in a women's refuge so her and her kids are safe from that monster.

It's all well and good telling her to stay when you are not in that situation.

Agreed 😕

I m so sorry, this is a dangerous situation for you and your kids. I know this sort of thing chips away at you, and weakens, but still, courage now dear. You must muster up the courage to leave.

Have you confided in any friends or family?
You are being abused.
Your children are being exposed to domestic abuse, they are also victims of this relationship.
I know making decisions is difficult, I have been there, but deep down you know what many of the posters here are saying is true.
You will always wait for the next time, it will always come and it will get worse not better. You are worth more, deserve more, your children deserve to be safe with a happy mummy.

Please call Womens Aid.
Walk into any police station and say you fear for your safety.
It is hard. But it will be worth it in the end. It really will.
Sending love and hugs.

Don’t tell him you are leaving. This will put you and the children at risk.
call family and arrrange a place for you and the children to stay Asap. Must be safe. Better a hotel and don’t tell anyone where you are. If no family can take you call a refuge or women’s aid and they will start to find you a refuge place.
pack everything and especially important documents and copies of bank statements etc.
once safe and away only
call the police about his violence and threats to kill when you are at a safe distance.
let the gp and children’s school know what is going on.
once safe you will need to apply for universal credit and housing benefit.
you Will also need to speak to a solicitor to get going with a divorce.
I am so so sorry you are going through this.
this is one of the worst I have ever read on here
i wish you and your children the best life away from this monster.
please protect yourself, don’t let him see your phone or know of your plans until you are safe.
op two women are killed a week in England please don’t be one of them and don’t let your children see that he is a massive risk to them as well.
my heart is broken for you and your kids.

Please get out, please.

A neighbour of mine was killed in front of her two children last year. Her friends and family knew nothing about the abuse she had been suffering until she was dead. Her children have to live their lives now with the trauma of what they saw.

Take the first step and worry about the rest later.

Please don’t say things like this….it’s putting doubt into the mind of an abused woman. There are absolutely no excuses for this level of abuse and he will never change - not in a million years.

@VioletInsolence
I absolutely agree.. this man will not change.
He won't change, no matter how much he promises.
the length of time between ''Explosions'' will become known by you, and you will be tiptoeing around him, keeping a fragile ''Peace''.. for him to explode , with more force than before.
It always escalates.

Hope you are OK, @1246aimee .

You need to leave. The posters suggesting differently aren't appreciating the level of abuse you're experiencing.
He has threatened to kill you.
If you can't process that level of threat to yourself - often we close down as a protective mechanism - then think of it in terms of your DCs witnessing your murder or finding your body. They need you to leave and take them to a safe place now.
Women's Aid; the police; money - all of that can wait until you are in a place of safety today.
Nothing you have listed is normal or healthy. You don't deserve to be abused every single day. There is no excuse for his behaviour. Go to your family or your friends. Tell them everything or show them your OP - whichever is easiest. Once you are safe, you can work out your next steps with support.

And if he kills her before the police get there? This happens. It's what OP's partner has threatened. She can't live in fear every second of every day. It's better and safer for OP to leave.

Completely agree. There are no excuses for this level of domestic abuse. Posters saying things like this or urging her to stay clearly have not been in this situation themselves and are not taking the OP's threats to kill her seriously. Many abusive partners and stalkers who threaten to kill their partners go on to do exactly this. It's an escalation. Google the statistics and stop trivialising what the OP is experiencing.

You sound like a caring, empathic person. Abusers love these types of women as we are always trying to see the best in them (even when there is little to see). The happy family ideal is stopping you seeing the reality of a very dangerous man. Time to switch off the empathy or redirect it to yourself and kids. Time to save your life and find a place of safety. Start with babysteps. Tell your mind you are just going on a little holiday if you need too. Tell the children the same. It will feel uncomfortable and wrong for a while, but you are slowly rewiring your brain to not tolerate this appaling behavior.. Healing can take years. Get out when he's not there. Don't tell him you are leaving. Just find somewhere safe, even if it's a premier Inn. Get there and then call the police. You doing nothing is emboldening him each time.

In some cases get some money together first is good advice. However, in this case the risk is very high and very acute. To the point where it may not even be possible to get things like birth certs, phone, passport, nappy etc. together, even.

The most dangerous time is preparing to leave (if caught getting ready) and leaving. If OP waits to go until the next confrontation starts, which can happen (people who are scared can dither, or maybe the next one came very soon e.g. in the night or this morning) she must just GO. Doesn't even matter if she's not dressed, kids aren't dressed, grab a blanket for the kids and a nappy, if and only if possible IMMEDIATELY (maybe not even that) and GO.

The person who just scooped up their child and RAN has it right. Nothing else matters.

I am hoping that the OP has today already left. OP, you can do it, you are strong and brave.

@Twillow funny you should mention "why does he do that?" I came across some articles by the author (Lundy Bancroft) a couple of days ago and found them very useful. Although they're directed towards abusive men who want to change they're full of things which I found helpful as someone who has been a victim. I particularly liked his uncompromising attitude towards making excuses and not accepting that you are responsible for your own behaviour, no matter what you tell yourself. They also enabled me to recognise some abuses from my past that I'd always felt uncomfortable about but couldn't see exactly why they were wrong. He's long gone now, but each new insights helps with the healing.

@Movinghouseatlast
I was in two minds whether to post but yours spurred me to.
My sister's close friend was murdered by ex partner in front of her small son.
Op hope you're ok (safe) since posting. Please leave as soon as safe to.

Please contact Womens Aid and tell them what you’ve said here. He is literally telling you he is losing control and the abuse can only escalate to the further danger of you and your children.
Your daughter is already witnessing abuse and you need to seek help irl.

Anyway, today he hit a peak during his daily dose of verbal abuse and told me to leave for my own good - I make him so angry he can no longer control himself and he will likely kill me next time. I wouldn’t say I’m scared, just numb to everything he says if that makes sense? Almost like I don’t believe him

Do you really want to take that this that he doesn't mean it???

Get out of there. I'd get in touch with the police and women's aid.