I need a place to share what’s really going on behind closed doors…

[1246aimee]

Hi, apologies for the incoming download of shit but things are getting out of hand and I need to get this off my chest without the judgement and ‘told you so’s from friends and family. Things are getting so out of hand and I really don’t know what to do…

We have two children (6yo girl and 14 mo boy) and have been together nearly 11 years. The arguments started when our LG was born, mostly around money - I’m shit with it, have no savings etc so can forgive him for these early ones. However, since finding out we were pregnant again he became even more argumentative and hurtful, calling me names and screaming at me infront of our LG, like every week he’d flip because I didn’t answer his question quick enough, or I didn’t remind her to tidy the playroom.

When it came to it, I went into an elective C section with our LB on my own because he didn’t want to go in (I’m pretty sure there’s some post-natal PTSD after our daughter, he just refuses to get help).

He set up his own business 3 years ago and works 24/7 with zero help (not through lack of me trying). He’s an all or nothing man, very ambitious and has to be the best at whatever he sets his mind to. I had a full time job that I loved prior to having our son, and I was made redundant during Mat Leave - he stated that we were financially sound and that there was no pressure to find another job, so we agreed that I’d stay home and raise our family.

Now that my income is zero, the arguments are really severe - as soon as he comes down in the morning it starts. Repetitive name calling to include ‘you’re a selfish b%}h’, ‘you lazy c^t’, ‘you’re a cancer in my life’, ‘f#%k off out of my life’ etc. Each roasting like this will last on average 2 hours and the language is unbearable. Infront of our babies. I walk away from him to make it stop, but it makes him angrier. Sometimes I bite back which I hate myself for, but what am I supposed to do?? He has shaken me twice in the last 4 weeks, gets really up close to my face, grabs my face to force me to look at him, pokes me and pushes me. Arguments are mostly focused on money, and how I never organise anything for the family to do together on his days off, I don’t make him feel loved, I never think of planning nice stuff to do just us… which is true. I don’t do those things because in the past he’s always found an excuse not to go! So many cancelled dinner plans, cinema trips, lunch dates, family days out… he doesn’t seem to comprehend that when he puts me down like he does I have zero will to make him feel ‘special’ 🤦🏻‍♀️ After these rantings we’ve always moved on from them eventually, not mentioning the previous row.

Anyway, today he hit a peak during his daily dose of verbal abuse and told me to leave for my own good - I make him so angry he can no longer control himself and he will likely kill me next time. I wouldn’t say I’m scared, just numb to everything he says if that makes sense? Almost like I don’t believe him.

My family & friends know nothing of what’s going on. I have no money or savings. I have no job. I have two babies whom I love dearly - my heart knows I need to take them away from this, but my head tells me to stay - he’s super tired, stressed, over worked, lonely and all the other excuses/justifications I tell myself. I just don’t know where to go or what to do. Help please! Xx

I have already posted but I have been thinking and I actually think it would be better to just go straight to the police. You will get help much more quickly and they might even arrest him which would get him out of your hair long enough for you to be safe for a few hours and give you the time to grab a bag and get out of your house. He has threatened to kill you and I know you are numb to the extent and reality of his abuse towards you, but as others have said on here, it sounds like a genuine threat and the police will take it seriously. Imagine if a stranger came up to you in the street and yelled disgusting abuse at you and said he was going to kill you. Just because you are living with this person and he holds the purse strings, it does not make it okay. Please, please, call the Police if you are in a safe place to do so (i.e. if he goes out, etc), or failing that, make an excuse to go out with your children and go to the nearest open local police station. I know it's not easy. But it will be worth it. Imagine a life without being abused on a daily basis and a life for your children not having to witness it, and let that steer you forward. Thinking of you and sending you massive amounts of strength.

And go to family this weekend, swallow your pride, and say yes, you were right.

^ this! Please get help before he kills you.

I speak from experience here. When the threat to kill you is voiced you get out. Immediately.
He is dangerous.
Don’t waste time calling organisations ( they’ll help later) or collecting money, passports.
Leave with the children by car , cab, friend, anything. Do NOT tell him you are leaving. This will enrage him and is the most dangerous thing to do.
Go to any police station, tell them he has threatened you. They will get help in place, emergency accommodation etc.. Or take you to family.
Be 100% honest with what he does and says and how long it’s gone on for.
But the most important thing is to leave today and do NOT tell or show him in any way you are going.

Please take your kids and leave today.
This man is dangerous and abusive.
Go to a home of friends or family and tell them what you’ve told us here - I would never turn someone away in this situation (even if I didn’t know them well tbh) and I’m sure they will be shocked and help you.

Please leave today OP. This is so toxic for you all and dangerous. Xx

This situation isn't going to get better, you need to leave and take your children with you(they need protection too) staying is damaging them and if he is threatening to kill you, there is a high chance he will do that. Contact the police, your gp, kids school and womans aid, they are all there to help you. You also need to talk to your family, it doesn't matter if they say "i told you so" you need protection, now!

What's your housing situation? You need to report him to the police, you can get a non mol order with immediate effect so that he can't come near you legally and also an occupation order which will ban him from the house.

If you can't do it for yourself then please do it for your children. They are being abused too.

www.ncdv.org.uk/

These people offer free non molestation orders. It can be scary choosing to do this but they're great - anything you don't understand or unsure or worried about, ask them and they'll explain. They can talk you through every step and you can change your mind at anytime.

I've used them before, they're worth their weight in gold.

You may think you love him, but this is trauma bonding/sunk costs fallacy, it's not love. He will not change or get better. You need to run before he kills you.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your children. This will screw them up for life. Your daughter is learning that this is how men behave and that women put up with it. God only knows how your baby son is processing all this stress and terror. Is that the life you want for them?

Run.

Please leave op. Sometimes when abusers loose control they can't stop. He has literally told you he is worried he will flip and kill you. You cannot stay you and your children have to find safety.

I had to re-share this as practical advice is what you need.

www.gov.uk/universal-credit

-application can be done online, don't do until you have you own bank account

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

My advice would be to report to the police and get all threats documented. The police will either remove him (which will be easier for you to remain where you are) or take you and the kids to a refuge.

As others have said, you are in a dangerous situation. It sounds like he is creating a situation where if you stay he can say, I told you I would hurt you if you didn’t leave and then blame you for him seriously hurting you. Do contact a domestic abuse helpline, they will help you assess the situation and may suggest to leave immediately if you can without him knowing or they may advise on putting together a leaving plan. This is to avoid the situation escalating if you try to leave whilst he is there. They can also advise on how and when to involve the police. You will not be the first person to be in this situation and there are people out there with the expertise to help you make decisions at this awful time.

I am so worried for you! Please tell your family and call the police straight away.
I've seen a neighbour with a small baby almost killed by her ex-partner. Luckily another neighbour heard, he would have murdered her according to the police. She is in a good place now and actually in a relationship with someone kind.
What a deranged shit he is. He needs help and incarceration.

You should listen to your heart.
I have been there.

Your poor daughter must be turning into a shell absorbing all of this. How does she react - I bet she freezes and tells you to do anything dad wants to make him stop. I know because this was my daughter and I put my head in the sand over her pain for far too long and now she has massive mental health issues.

Reading your post, the two positive things you have said about him are that he has a strong work ethic and that he said you didn't need to worry about work because he brings in enough money (and that last one could be a worrying sign if it was designed to restrict your independence).

What helped me come to my senses was:
a book called Why Does He Do That?
speaking to the police domestic abuse team and a local dv charity
and finally
confiding in my family, who took me in, helped me with finances, got me on my feet and, tellingly, said they had never trusted him even though they were the height of civility to him before.

You have not caused this nor do you deserve it. Nor should you feel any shame. No-one is entitled to treat another human being like this, let alone a partner.
Get out sooner rather than later. He will not change.

Oh, two more things:

I have never once regretted leaving - of course it has been hard at times, with different problems, but I do not live in daily fear any more (or the numb resolved state that you mentioned) and that is priceless

His saying he would kill me (before falling to his knees in a state of self-pity and saying he should be sectioned, though of course never bothering to apologise) was the final trigger. I was already getting my ducks in a row but it wasn't long after that.

If he was over worked tired or any other excuse you gave he would treat everyone the same. I bet he only treats you like this?

Also, if he told you he will kill you- you must take that as he will and get out now.

Shit, he’s given you a stark warning. Don’t waste time contacting organisations now. Get you down to the nearest police station with your kids & stay there

Anyway, today he hit a peak during his daily dose of verbal abuse and told me to leave for my own good - I make him so angry he can no longer control himself and he will likely kill me next time. I wouldn’t say I’m scared, just numb to everything he says if that makes sense? Almost like I don’t believe him.

Ok op. He's warning you. He's thought about killing you. Time to get strong and hard as nails for those babies before theu loose their mother either literally or metaphorically. He's a monster. Ring a Refuge and tell them what you have told us. Then make a safe escape plan. It's fucking hard (done it myself) but you have to!

This is so hearbreaking to read. You need to leave OP, if not for your sake do it for your daughter.

When my daughter was in her early 20s she was in a long term relationship with a man who didn't treat her well. He wasn't abusive but he was selfish and not always particularly caring. She eventually ended the relationship despite him insisting there was nothing wrong with it. She later told me that always at the back of her mind was 'Would dad be like that with mum?'. That was the benchmark she had for her own relationship.

I know you will want your children to have a better benchmark than they are currently learning.

The numbness you feel is self protection
Please get out using the quickest and most discreet way possible
Everything between life and death can be sorted
You and your DC's safety
Get out today and either
Go straight to police station
( if local one has closed as lots have... Go to boots and " ask for Ani"OR to any PUB and " Ask for Angela"
Do it today
Sending strength to get the ball rolling to a better, happier, peaceful life You can do it

DC safety is paramount I meant

Get out!
He will loose control and kill you. He will do ut I front of your kids!
Call the police, shelter, refuge, social services anything. Call your kids school.
Do it now, before you and your kids are just another name on the news.

Please do this.

You and your children deserve so much better than this. No one, I really mean that, no single person on this planet, should be spoken to in the way he is speaking to you.

If you can, record him saying these things to you, in case you ever need to confirm to yourself (and illustrate to others) just how vile he really is.

Leave. Do yourself that favour. Do it for your kids too. Otherwise he is demonstrating to his children how a parent speaks to another parent. He is doing damage to them too.

You are being abused and this isn’t you fault. I have goosebumps reading your post. Is there someone you can confide in and who can keep you safe? When he is next out or busy, quietly gather the absolute essentials for you and your children, just a small bag and any important documents. Don’t let him see you doing this & don’t tell your children what you’re doing. When he is out, leave and do not look back. Get yourselves and your children to a safe place. Contact women’s aid and they will be able to help you. Please don’t wait for this to escalate any further. Sending you the strength and courage to get yourself and your babies to safety

Haven’t read all of the posts but I really felt for your OH when he disclosed that he’s worried about his behaviour and how it’s escalating. There is chance that he isn’t just an abuser and the kids have been a trigger that has seriously effected his MH and he may be able to change.Despite this, the current situation isn’t ok. Please ring Women’s Aid and get help with leaving him. You and your children need a safe place to live whilst he gets on top of his health issues.