I need a place to share what’s really going on behind closed doors…

[1246aimee]

Hi, apologies for the incoming download of shit but things are getting out of hand and I need to get this off my chest without the judgement and ‘told you so’s from friends and family. Things are getting so out of hand and I really don’t know what to do…

We have two children (6yo girl and 14 mo boy) and have been together nearly 11 years. The arguments started when our LG was born, mostly around money - I’m shit with it, have no savings etc so can forgive him for these early ones. However, since finding out we were pregnant again he became even more argumentative and hurtful, calling me names and screaming at me infront of our LG, like every week he’d flip because I didn’t answer his question quick enough, or I didn’t remind her to tidy the playroom.

When it came to it, I went into an elective C section with our LB on my own because he didn’t want to go in (I’m pretty sure there’s some post-natal PTSD after our daughter, he just refuses to get help).

He set up his own business 3 years ago and works 24/7 with zero help (not through lack of me trying). He’s an all or nothing man, very ambitious and has to be the best at whatever he sets his mind to. I had a full time job that I loved prior to having our son, and I was made redundant during Mat Leave - he stated that we were financially sound and that there was no pressure to find another job, so we agreed that I’d stay home and raise our family.

Now that my income is zero, the arguments are really severe - as soon as he comes down in the morning it starts. Repetitive name calling to include ‘you’re a selfish b%}h’, ‘you lazy c^t’, ‘you’re a cancer in my life’, ‘f#%k off out of my life’ etc. Each roasting like this will last on average 2 hours and the language is unbearable. Infront of our babies. I walk away from him to make it stop, but it makes him angrier. Sometimes I bite back which I hate myself for, but what am I supposed to do?? He has shaken me twice in the last 4 weeks, gets really up close to my face, grabs my face to force me to look at him, pokes me and pushes me. Arguments are mostly focused on money, and how I never organise anything for the family to do together on his days off, I don’t make him feel loved, I never think of planning nice stuff to do just us… which is true. I don’t do those things because in the past he’s always found an excuse not to go! So many cancelled dinner plans, cinema trips, lunch dates, family days out… he doesn’t seem to comprehend that when he puts me down like he does I have zero will to make him feel ‘special’ 🤦🏻‍♀️ After these rantings we’ve always moved on from them eventually, not mentioning the previous row.

Anyway, today he hit a peak during his daily dose of verbal abuse and told me to leave for my own good - I make him so angry he can no longer control himself and he will likely kill me next time. I wouldn’t say I’m scared, just numb to everything he says if that makes sense? Almost like I don’t believe him.

My family & friends know nothing of what’s going on. I have no money or savings. I have no job. I have two babies whom I love dearly - my heart knows I need to take them away from this, but my head tells me to stay - he’s super tired, stressed, over worked, lonely and all the other excuses/justifications I tell myself. I just don’t know where to go or what to do. Help please! Xx

Either he needs to leave or you do, next time he kicks off dial 999 & get him removed. If you don't you run the risk of ending up with Social Services being involved & you don't want that.

The fact that you think your family will say 'told you so ' kind of says it all about him- they must have picked up on the fact he was a cunt well before you did. For what it's worth, I doubt your family will say I told you so , they'll most likely be shocked and upset to hear what you're going through and want to help you. Turn to them! And so what if there is a told you so in there, you and your children will be safe and that's the most important thing

This is escalating and I’m concerned about your safety. This is daily abuse, he has shaken you, poked you - and said next time he will kill you.

This cannot happen and needs to stop. NOW.

There is refuge, but if you look at ANI (action needed immediately) at participating pharmacies. You say the code letters and they take you to a safe space. Also says that Boots will provide you with a safe space.

Info here : www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#get-help-and-support

Keep posting here - you will receive lots of good advice.

This…
I know it’s hard to face family with things like this when there’s a history of ‘I told you so’ etc. but you need to put your pride aside and tell them and seek their help. I know that you would rather cop flack (if any is even given, I would hope not in such dire circumstances) than continue endangering your own life and the wellbeing of your babies. You know it’s bad, but keep in mind when you are in the situation yourself you never see it for how bad it really is. So please seek help be it from family or a crisis centre/shelter. If you go to police please make sure you are no longer living with or accessible to him. It’s common for police contact to further enrage an abuser and I know this from first hand experience. Keep us updated, we are all here for you to support you

My exDH was abusive. I’m horrified now when I look back at what he put me through. I’m in another relationship now and it’s just so amazing to feel safe and loved, which I never felt with him. Please please find someone to tell in RL as that’s what it eventually took me to accept the full seriousness of what was happening.

Call the police.

He is threatening to kill you that is beyond abusive.

He is doing this, not you. He is responsible, not you.

If you stay, the BEST case scenario is that this will continue and your children will grow up absolutely traumatised from witnessing this. They will be damaged, especially your daughter, who will learn that this is a normal way for a man to speak with his wife, and she will learn that this is what SHE should expect and tolerate from her future spouse. You are being abused, and your daughter will grow up accepting abuse because this is what you will have taught her if you stay.

The WORST case scenario if you stay is that your husband will murder you, as he has TOLD you that he will. Probably in front of your children. Your children will be traumatised for life. You will be dead. He will be in jail. They will be as good as orphans.

You NEED to leave, not only for your own sake but for your children's sake. Go anywhere you can - friends, family, a shelter. You need to be REALLY brave for the sake of your children and tell someone what is happening. Leave quickly and secretly while he is at work. Contact Women's Aid for advice and support, and contact the police and report his threats.

If you stay, even for another few days, the outcome will be disastrous. He has TOLD you he will kill you. This could happen any day. Please leave.

Your family will is more likely to thank god you got away before he hurt or killed you. If you don’t get away, they’ll be lamenting they didn’t do more once he injures or kills you.

And what if he also hurts your children? Protecting them (and yourself) is more important than the fear your family with say ‘I told you so’.

I feel terrified for you reading this OP. Please please take your children and leave now. I would take in any friend or family member who was experiencing this. You must go to safety and then take the steps outlined by more experienced posters above. Your family and friends will want to protect you. Your husband is an extremely dangerous man. Please don't expose yourself or your children to even one more day of abuse and risk.

Your children deserve better than this.

YOU deserve better than this.

You need to leave. It doesn't matter if you have no money or support. That can all be figured out later. You need to find help, get out and into a refuge, or stay with family.

The man is literally telling you he can't control himself. He's shaking you? What will happen as your daughter enters the notoriously difficult tween and teen years? Will he shake her too? Shout at her too? Abuse her too?

And for the love of god, don't listen to him when it's been a few weeks, the doubt sets in and he tells you he's changed. He's sorry etc. This is a script that they all say, and it's never true.

What support do you have with family and friends, can you turn up on your parents doorstep saying ‘I know you told me so but please can I stay a while’?

Those 5 minutes in I told you so’s will be a million times better than daily hours of verbal abuse.

Try and spend some time today to get some things together, pack a bag each for you and get together your documents, birth certificates passports etc. if you can access some financial paperwork too, bank statements and his pensions etc that will help too.

You leave; you phone 999 if he starts again. You tell your family what is happening.
What you don't do is stay and be abused or worse.
If you think you won't be able to talk, phone 999 from your mobile and then 55 when prompted. Your call will go to the police and then be tracked, so they can attend.

Please please don't become another statistic OP. This situation is extremely dangerous. So what if your family says they told you so, I'm sure they would much rather be saying it to your face than at your funeral.
Leave. Today.

When somebody tells you who they are - literally, then you need to listen.

This is a really terrible level of abuse for you and your children to be experiencing.

Please don’t focus on whether people will say ‘I told you so’ etc. Call Women’s Aid. Be very honest with them.

You and your children are in a terrible and extremely vulnerable situation. You need help to get out of it. There is no shame in that. But do get that help. You are worth more than this and your DC need protection from this ravaging environment.

damaging environment

Your children can't live like this. That was true before he threatened to kill you. They can't rescue themselves from this situation, they need you to do that for them.

Where do your family live? Can you take your kids there? Say to your partner that it’s a short break, before school starts and then don’t go back. Sign on, look for a job. Speak to woman’s aid about housing. Can your family lend a deposit for rental?

You will likely qualify for financial help, especially with childcare costs. Don’t allow this man to take your life. It happens, he’s threatening it. It’s in the news all the time, we imagine it won’t happen to us

Yes you need to call woman's aid. You can constantly give excuses for his behaviour but he is telling you he is finding it hard to control himself it sounds like his actions are getting worse and worse your children shouldn't have to hear or watch this and you shouldn't have to go through it.

It's scary but my sister did it with 2 young children. It was a difficult time but she was eventually rehoused and now she is married to someone who treats her how she should.

This doesn't have to be your life you can get support. Talk to family don't be afraid of the "I told you so" maybe they were right but hopefully they will want to support you I'm sure they will be shocked with what you are going through and will want to help

So scared for you reading this, @1246aimee.

Please do call Womens Aid or use the other options today. This has to stop now. No more two-hour verbal attacks, no more physical attacks and threats of worse. Get yourself and your children to safety.

We are all here for you. 💐

He's abusing you and he's literally told you he's going to hurt you soon.

You are allowing your kids to be abused by keeping them in this shit. 'Head says to stay'indeed. Get them out of that or at least send then somewhere safe if you want to stick it out.

Please ring the police, get your children get to the police. They will get you to safety.

I agree with all the op that you need to leave before he carries out his threat to kill you.
The scariest thing is he seems, from what you said, to be coldly doing this to you going from zero to full on rage.
What I mean by that it he's not losing his temper after an argument and saying thing in the heat of the moment which he later regrets.
He is full on full of hate without any triggers.
That's so scary.
You need some real life support and you need to leave without warning.
What's keeping you there, money? housing? not wanting your DC lives to be disrupted? shame?
All the usual reasons why women stay in abusive relationships.
The fact that he's escalating and threatening to kill you is why you need to leave before he carries out his threat and does kill you and leaves your DC without a mother.
If you can't do it for yourself do it to protect your DC, I can't even imagine what it's like for your LG to witness her dm being abused by her father, she must live in a state of terror.
This man does not love you, he hates you, use that thought to find the strength to leave

He's an abusive man. Get out.

Your local council would deem you statutorily homeless - that's the way it works where I am anyway.

Women who look after small babies all day are not 'lazy c-ts'. Yes he should not be swearing in front of your children, but that's only half the story. I wouldn't stay with any man who called me a 'c-t' in anger, repeatedly. Or a 'cancer'. My ex said I was demonic and possessed. Can you see what is happening? Your partner is an abusive misogynist. He appreciates nothing that you do, because it carries no worth in his 'male' value system.

Please believe me, I know the signs, and there is physical abuse starting to escalate too.

You need to listen to him and get you and your children out. Quickly.
It's time to start letting people know what's going on.