Did he hack my phone?

[Lightpetal]

It's so late here where I live but I can't sleep...My mind is racing... (Have already previously posted but I really needed to ask this before I lose my mind).

For 2 years, I have been in a controlling, abusive relationship where I have been blamed for a lot of stuff (including 'ruining' my partners mental health - his words).

I did some really silly stuff during our relationship which I am not proud of, and I have repetitively apologized for this, and have tried to make up to him and make him happy. I was messaging someone else at the very start (but never physically cheated) and I worked online doing some risqué stuff, let's say. I didn't tell my partner because Covid hit, I really needed the money and it was early on in our relationship. I regret not telling him and he has reminded me of this ever since.

This is where things get interesting...

The way he found this information out was he asked someone he knew (who was very 'high up') to see what I was up to. This guy he knew worked on the dark web, and so my partner gave him my number. The next day, my partner showed me what he had found and I apologized profusely and we agreed to work on our relationship.

Since then (about 2 years) my partner has been receiving private conversations, pictures, Skype/Facebook messages, private phone calls and private emails and sites that I have visited DIRECTLY to his phone. I was awake one night and I could see that a conversation I had started on another forum was getting airdropped to him but I couldn't do anything to stop it.

Every time he has received something he didn't know about, he would hit the roof, and would question and interrogate me for hours. The mad thing is, I have never once, questioned whether it could be him. It honestly did not cross my mind. It was only today on another thread that a couple of MNers mentioned it. Now, I can't not stop thinking about it.

He and (I) have always assumed it was someone online. Someone I spoke to, or that someone was out to get me, or jealous that I was happy. That's where the blame always lay. These messages and private conversations were only airdropped to him when my phone was on (or so I thought). It appeared that the sites I had visited on my laptop were also sent to his phone, or he certainly had knowledge about them that he would use in an argument to 'surprise me' so I would look really bad and couldn't say anything back.

We had a huge argument yesterday and he threatened to expose what I used to do on Facebook and said he was recording our conversation...this type of language about recording me without my knowledge etc just made me convince myself it was him.

He has previously said everytime that when he received something it ruined him..and he hated technology being in our lives. In the end I smashed my phone into a million pieces. He was still getting things sent to him when we moved from the UK, which I still didn't understand.

Here's the thing. My bank account has never been stolen or hacked into.
My other friends and ex partner (to my best knowledge) have never received anything like my partner has.
It is only him.

I believe now it's 100% him. Anyone else?!

Does he actually know the content of these messages or just 'where' you've been looking on the web etc??

I can't see how it could be someone else that isn't him. Why would someone else arrange for content to be air dropped from your phone to his devices?

Are you still in this relationship or have you recently left?

Leaving next week. I have no idea why all my personal searches, conversations etc would be sent directly to him. I have since found out someone can hack your phone and easily set it up so private messages etc are forwarded to them. This would perhaps explain it.

Knows everything.

He's taken you for a mug. He has synced his phone with yours. There is no way a random third party has hacked into your phone and arranged miraculously for all your doings to appear on his phone. Of course it's him. He has had access to your phone at some point and has configured the settings so as to spy on you/stalk you. Why would anyone else be the slightest bit interested in your phone usage, and airdrop stuff miraculously to his? What an absurd notion!

The story about someone he knows high up is of course bollocks. You fell hook line and sinker for that tall tale!

It's very obvious why your partner would want to get all this content delivered to him so he could track what you're doing and use the information to control and abuse you. What I mean is, of course he was the one that organised it! No one else would have a motive, other than to access financial stuff and move on quickly, which you say hasn't happened.

The important thing is to stop using any devices that he has had access to, and to use ones he doesn't know about and can't get his hands on.

More than likely he's put stalkerware on your phone at some point. Google it - there are plenty of guides out there to tell you how to identify and remove it. Only permanent solution though is to get rid of the stalker and end this abusive relationship for good.

Ypu know that the term “deep web” connotes content that is not discoverable by means of most search engines, including password-protected content, dynamic pages, encrypted networks, and backend data that is not linked directly to visible content. Why would you assume that your phone number is more likely to be found in the “deep” web than in content indexed by a crawler that follows links?

Hence why I'm leaving. I know I've been an idiot.

Reset your phone to factory settings op

I was just referring to the fact that he told me his friend worked for an agency or something of that nature that helped to catch criminals on the dark web. Basically he just told me he gave him my number to find info on me (but not necessarily on DW).

iPhone or android?? If it's iPhone he's probably using spyware via your Apple ID- it's not as easy as it used to be due to 2 factor authentication

If it's android it's much easier using spyware

Reset to factory settings now and if it's Apple change your Apple ID and don't tell him

Funny thing is, I did that a few times and he was STILL getting these messages and other information about me after that.

What @Alphavilla says makes sense. I believe he could have synced our phones some how. I recalled one time when I asked Siri a question on my phone, his phone activated which I thought was really odd.

All makes sense now. Thing is, do I confront him or just leave it and move on? He'll deny it, but might make me feel better that he knows I know.

This is so confusing. I don’t understand. What I do understand is that he does not treat you well and invades your privacy. I’m glad to hear you are leaving him. Be careful though, the point of leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a women. I’m fact, could he have access to your mumsnet posts?? Be careful.

It was an iPhone (we both had iphones) but at the time no 2 factor authentication.

I've smashed my phone up now and he hasn't received anything since.

Don't confront him. There's no point and it won't achieve anything helpful for you. Just take measures to make sure he can't set it all up again and move forwards with your plan to leave. As others have said, the point of leaving a controlling and abusive relationship is often the most risky time for women. Trust your instincts and get all the outside help you can.

Really easy to do with iPhone and no 2FA if he knew your Apple ID.

Probably used MSpy

I had an ex who did this to me,he hacked my phone and could see everything on my phone,messages,calls,websites,even messages that I'd deleted.He was desperate to catch me out but I wasn't even doing anything!.He was very tech savvy and used to surprise me during arguments too,asking why I'd deleted messages from so and so etc.I had contacts disappear from my phone also.Once the relationship ended I changed my number and device,I was due an upgrade so that was lucky or else I couldn't have afforded to change my phone.He also managed to get into my 02 account and have loads of Bolt ons and charges added to my bill,luckily 02 removed them all in the end.I found out months down the line he had spyware on my laptop too!.It really is unnerving to think someone can do this and invade your privacy,he was paranoid as hell and we only lasted 6 months.His name isn't Anthony by any chance is it?🤣

Do you use the sane email address? My son and I use the same email account on our phones so I can check his messages etc (he is 13 so I monitor them) I can literally download his usage anytime

You might need to change your email. I have a few devices synced to my email. My ex was obsessed with going through my phone and laptop and would wait till I was asleep to take my phone and attack me if I tried to get it back. It turned out he was cheating so was always looking for something to throw back at me if I found out. I'm glad you are planning on making a safe plan to leave. It's difficult in the short term but amazing in the long term.

I was on your other thread.

OF COURSE it was him.

His story about some "higher up" is so ludicrous.

He synced with your phone. He was also likely tracing your movements via find-my-phone.

Honestly if you're going to do 'risqué' work on the internet you need to wise up quickly as to how it works. Take a night course or buy a book, you're putting yourself in danger otherwise.

Leave.

As a pp said : Ideally with a companion or support in case he gets nasty.

Move somewhere safe, ideally where he doesn’t know.

Get new phone.

Change passwords on all your accounts and emails.

Check for tracker if you have a car.

You dont have to be paranoid, but keep your wits about you in your daily life.

NEVER speak or communicate with him ever again. This is really important.

Any harassment by him, immediately report to Police.

Finally, look to the future, not the past.