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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did he hack my phone?

89 replies

Lightpetal · 26/08/2022 23:30

It's so late here where I live but I can't sleep...My mind is racing... (Have already previously posted but I really needed to ask this before I lose my mind).

For 2 years, I have been in a controlling, abusive relationship where I have been blamed for a lot of stuff (including 'ruining' my partners mental health - his words).

I did some really silly stuff during our relationship which I am not proud of, and I have repetitively apologized for this, and have tried to make up to him and make him happy. I was messaging someone else at the very start (but never physically cheated) and I worked online doing some risqué stuff, let's say. I didn't tell my partner because Covid hit, I really needed the money and it was early on in our relationship. I regret not telling him and he has reminded me of this ever since.

This is where things get interesting...

The way he found this information out was he asked someone he knew (who was very 'high up') to see what I was up to. This guy he knew worked on the dark web, and so my partner gave him my number. The next day, my partner showed me what he had found and I apologized profusely and we agreed to work on our relationship.

Since then (about 2 years) my partner has been receiving private conversations, pictures, Skype/Facebook messages, private phone calls and private emails and sites that I have visited DIRECTLY to his phone. I was awake one night and I could see that a conversation I had started on another forum was getting airdropped to him but I couldn't do anything to stop it.

Every time he has received something he didn't know about, he would hit the roof, and would question and interrogate me for hours. The mad thing is, I have never once, questioned whether it could be him. It honestly did not cross my mind. It was only today on another thread that a couple of MNers mentioned it. Now, I can't not stop thinking about it.

He and (I) have always assumed it was someone online. Someone I spoke to, or that someone was out to get me, or jealous that I was happy. That's where the blame always lay. These messages and private conversations were only airdropped to him when my phone was on (or so I thought). It appeared that the sites I had visited on my laptop were also sent to his phone, or he certainly had knowledge about them that he would use in an argument to 'surprise me' so I would look really bad and couldn't say anything back.

We had a huge argument yesterday and he threatened to expose what I used to do on Facebook and said he was recording our conversation...this type of language about recording me without my knowledge etc just made me convince myself it was him.

He has previously said everytime that when he received something it ruined him..and he hated technology being in our lives. In the end I smashed my phone into a million pieces. He was still getting things sent to him when we moved from the UK, which I still didn't understand.

Here's the thing. My bank account has never been stolen or hacked into.
My other friends and ex partner (to my best knowledge) have never received anything like my partner has.
It is only him.

I believe now it's 100% him. Anyone else?!

OP posts:
OldFan · 10/09/2022 19:46

Can I ask, is it normal for abusive people to be nice and lovely? My partner was in a foul mood yesterday - very up and down with his moods (always thought he had bipolar). But I went out and got him some food, and he perked up a bit. Then he gave me a kiss on the head, and said 'Thank you' which he doesn't normally do and this morning he's been quite affectionate and nice.

@Lightpetal It's called the Cycle of Abuse. If abusers were evil all the time, women would be less likely to stick around, so they almost all play Mr.Nice Guy sometimes if they sense they need to to keep you from leaving. On one level he can probably sense you're thinking of leaving.

Bipolar isn't usually like that (I have bipolar.) Usually an episode of any person with bipolar last for several weeks/months, not up and down over the course of hours or days. That's more like Borderline Personality Disorder, but also is just what abusers tend to be like in terms of moods to keep you on your toes etc, so it's probably 'just' that.

I had a bloke who used to spy on my online stuff a lot by various means. He had a background in Computer Science.

Username1009 · 10/09/2022 22:51

We had a huge argument yesterday and he threatened to expose what I used to do on Facebook and said he was recording our conversation...this type of language about recording me without my knowledge etc just made me convince myself it was him.

Sounds like a nutcase. Glad you got yourself out of there. Stay strong and don't even think about taking him back.

Mosso · 11/09/2022 07:59

It was him. No one else. I'm glad you're safe x

losingit31 · 11/09/2022 11:10

So good to read your update and I can tell you're 100% sure you've made the right decision. Sometimes it takes time for the scales to fall from our eyes, don't feel guilty about that.

Dery · 11/09/2022 11:15

So glad you’re safe. I’m sure it was him. In any case, he’s dangerously volatile. I’ve been with DH 20+ years and we’ve had some huge arguments in that time and he has never smashed up something which belonged to me. Ever.

Please keep away and don’t let him suck you back in.

Original poster
Lightpetal · 01/10/2022 23:35

wafflesandeggs · 29/08/2022 16:24

Leave and contact the police. Accessing other people’s accounts is a crime, especially as he threatened to use the information against you.

As for the darknet and your phone number, the only way the “hacker” could have accessed your accounts would be if your information was part of a breach. You would have been notified if this happened, but in case you somehow missed it, you can enter your email addresses at haveibeenpwned.com. You can also check their breach list to see if you use of the companies listed.

Saying that, I agree with the others that it’s more likely that your devices have been synced which means you need to delete your apple/icloud accounts too.

As for him threatening to post things on Facebook, I suggest you get ahead of him and warn the people you know that someone is threatening you and ask them to lock down their profiles and not accept messages or requests from anyone they don’t know.

I have since found out that my email has been part of 8 data breaches!!!! FML. I didn't know you could even check that...

I'm still struggling to come to terms with it all and have been struggling to sleep since. Does this mean that he probably didn't hack me? I also forgot to mention that before I closed down the breached email, I received two nasty emails from some random person demanding Bitcoin and threatening to expose me to my contacts. On the second email they actually attached video clips of me. A week later these exact video clips were sent to ex's phone.

I plan on going to the police when I get back to the UK and start counselling soon as this has really fucked up my mental health. I also received a large sum of money to one of my online money accounts completely out of the blue a couple of weeks ago. I haven't accessed this online account for two years, but it was using my old email, but I have changed that now.

Feel like someone is out to get me, destroy my life. All very worrying and I just need someone to tell me to get a bloody grip and snap out of it but never felt like this before. Please help!

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 01/10/2022 23:55

He absolutely did hack you, it's the only thing that makes sense.

This is probably retaliation for leaving, he's thrown your private information out there to the wolves.

There are sites set up for sick men to shame women in this way. So the additional contact and blackmail attempts may be real, but most likely they got the information from him.

The money thing is absolutely him too. He's trying to get your attention. Don't give it. You should contact the police if you get even the tiniest suggestion that he knows where you are.

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 00:24

Feel like someone is out to get me, destroy my life.

Someone is.

It's your ex partner.

This man is dangerous.

He's fucking with you to make you feel unsettled and confused with the aim of you thinking it's not him doing this.

It absolutely is.

Have you spoken to the police yet?

I'm so pleased you and your DC are safe now, assuming you've stayed away and are somewhere secure now away from him Flowers

Original poster
Lightpetal · 02/10/2022 00:41

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 00:24

Feel like someone is out to get me, destroy my life.

Someone is.

It's your ex partner.

This man is dangerous.

He's fucking with you to make you feel unsettled and confused with the aim of you thinking it's not him doing this.

It absolutely is.

Have you spoken to the police yet?

I'm so pleased you and your DC are safe now, assuming you've stayed away and are somewhere secure now away from him Flowers

I'm not back in the UK yet, but I might try and reach out to them through their online services. Thing is, I don't have any proof whatsoever it was him.I have smashed up my phone but still have the old sim. I have tried to get in contact with his ex-girlfriend because one time we got into a conversation about her and he told me he knew information about her too (voice messages she had had with other men, messages, browser history etc). He told me when they used to fight, she had been the one smashing things up, but I believe it was him after he smashed up my phone, and threatened to smash up my DC's laptop too.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 00:51

I have tried to get in contact with his ex-girlfriend because one time we got into a conversation about her and he told me he knew information about her too (voice messages she had had with other men, messages, browser history etc).

I wouldn't do anything potentially antagonistic like this now that you are safely away from him (am I right in thinking the relationship is 100% over and you're now not living in the same home?) as the time an abuser's victim leaves them is the most dangerous for that victim.

Do you have a timeframe for when you can get back to the UK? If he would still be overseas and you can put an ocean / country borders between you then that needs to be your absolute priority rather than trying to find evidence that involves other people IMO.

Really hope you and DD are doing OK Flowers

Hawkins001 · 02/10/2022 01:05

All.the best and positivity op.

Original poster
Lightpetal · 02/10/2022 12:37

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 00:24

Feel like someone is out to get me, destroy my life.

Someone is.

It's your ex partner.

This man is dangerous.

He's fucking with you to make you feel unsettled and confused with the aim of you thinking it's not him doing this.

It absolutely is.

Have you spoken to the police yet?

I'm so pleased you and your DC are safe now, assuming you've stayed away and are somewhere secure now away from him Flowers

Me and DC are very safe right now - thank you.

I am just struggling to come to terms with things. Acceptance is probably a better word.

There was one other incidence that happened right before we split. Looking back it's probably so laughable but I would like to see what others think of this...it helps with the clarifation of the situation.

Not long before we split, we into an argument and I went out with DC for some food. We were gone maybe a few hours. He messaged me on WhatsApp (that was our main portal of communication) and he sent me a very long self-serving message telling me what I had said in the argument really hurt him. I had mentioned that I was very unhappy in the relationship, wanted to split, see how it went etc etc. After that long message, he tried to call me. I had quickly glanced down at the message, read it, but because I was out didn't feel like responding. After maybe 10 minutes of the missed phone call, a message was typed, and then deleted. He then sent me another very arsey message accusing me of speaking to somebody else. Basically, he said the message that was deleted had come through on his phone and it was yet again, another message from my past. He told me ' read the message' - he said that the message was deleted on his end, but it was saying that I could still read it. I couldn't. It had been deleted. I asked him point blank if he had ever deleted any messages on WhatsApp. He said 'no'. This is a lie, because he sent me a heart emoji one morning, then that message was deleted when I didn't respond. Also, he told me he didn't know how how to delete WhatsApp messages, BUT I have tested this theory out. I have tried to delete messages from a friend on WhatsApp and it gives me the option of deleting the message from their end, and deleted messages from my end. So how would he know that?! Also, when I click on that deleted message and then click on the little bin emoji, it comes up with a message that says 'Delete message from ex', so WhatsApp is telling me that the message came from him.

Everything he's said is complete BS isn't it? Sorry for my ramblings...I am going to start therapy soon to help me deal with things better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightpetal · 02/10/2022 16:16

Blobblobblob · 01/10/2022 23:55

He absolutely did hack you, it's the only thing that makes sense.

This is probably retaliation for leaving, he's thrown your private information out there to the wolves.

There are sites set up for sick men to shame women in this way. So the additional contact and blackmail attempts may be real, but most likely they got the information from him.

The money thing is absolutely him too. He's trying to get your attention. Don't give it. You should contact the police if you get even the tiniest suggestion that he knows where you are.

He definitely didn't send me any money because he's completely broke and it was a significant amount.

Contacting the police tonight. See what they say....two years of hell and violation of privacy...been a tough pill to swallow.

OP posts:
proudmom4l · 23/06/2025 10:54

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