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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've had my head turned

66 replies

rosewellington · 26/08/2022 00:26

Same old, a guy at work. I know how this goes. But bloody hell I still want to.

We're both married with kids. We have some work night's out coming up and a group long weekend away coming up. We've just started working together but already have each other's phone numbers.

He's already started reciting the script about his wife. We're very friendly at work, so much so that people will begin to notice. I know it's wrong but after supporting your alcoholic husband for years, it feels good to have that excitement again that you thought was gone forever.

I have blossomed in the past year and I'm finally happy in myself, after discovering who I am. I know what I should do but I can't make that move to leave. I also don't want to start something that will feel amazing at the time but will ultimately end in tears.

OP posts:
FiloPasty · 26/08/2022 00:27

If you are unhappy in your marriage leave. He might be the one for you, but have a clean slate first.

Original poster
rosewellington · 26/08/2022 00:30

I really don't feel I can leave. I'm worried my husband will harm himself. I think it is inevitable that our marriage ends sadly. I have changed so much in the past year, I have a bright future. My husband is negative and bitter. He clings onto the past and blames everyone but himself for his failures. We've had a terrible time over the past few years however I always try to move forward and make the best of things. Whereas he just thinks it's another thing that's gone against him personally. It's very wearing.

OP posts:
AuntTwacky · 26/08/2022 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

PiecesofFive · 26/08/2022 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Quotes deleted post

Leafy3 · 26/08/2022 00:44

I don't understand why you can't leave if you believe your marriage is doomed to end?

PiecesofFive · 26/08/2022 00:45

Leafy3 · 26/08/2022 00:44

I don't understand why you can't leave if you believe your marriage is doomed to end?

I thought that, maybe it ends with them remaining together forever.

Marinamountainzoo · 26/08/2022 00:47

Word of advice, if you are going to cheat then don't do it at work. You don't want to lose your marriage AND your job when it all goes tits up.

Having worked in an organisation that is rife with work place affairs, I would never shag anyone I work with. Ever.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 26/08/2022 00:55

Leave your husband if you are no longer happy or work on the marriage but don't get a third party involved, it can't end well.

Remoteclockface · 26/08/2022 00:55

@rosewellington i have just put up a post about my current affair. ‘I’m being used for sex…but in too deep’. Trust me, it’s not going well although it did make me realise I needed to end my LTR, so some good has come of it.

Affairs are intoxicating especially when your relationship is dead or difficult. But I’m in a right pickle now.

Also, mumsnet does not approve of affairs so tread carefully on here and be ready to be called all sorts for suggesting it.

But, I’m 6 months down the line from you right now so I know exactly how you feel!

Paul85 · 26/08/2022 00:59

Now imagine a male posting this...he would be an absolute scumbag .

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 01:01

There are different types of affairs.
Some are ‘exit affairs’ - people at the end of relationships that need a bit of an extra push to actually make a move.
Given what you said about your marriage - I its not surprising.
Yes, of course it’d be better to make a move just because you know your marriage is over. But in reality its hard to do.
And feeling of excitement and desire are very difficult to resist.

What the guy is telling you is irrelevant really. It may or may not be ‘the script’. After all - what you are telling him …’my relationship is dead’ - doesn’t sound much different, and is true.
He may actually be the one for you; or he may be the one at the time/place where you need someone who can give you a push to leave.

What you chose to do is obviously up to you. I won’t judge you as life is way too unfair and complicated.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 26/08/2022 01:03

I'm not married but didn't you commit to your husband? For better or for worse?

mackthepony · 26/08/2022 01:06

Sounds like she's getting the worst from her current husband tbh

Facecream · 26/08/2022 01:07

Sounds a bit like the OP is the one using “the script”

Scepticalwotsits · 26/08/2022 01:08

op if you want the thrill great, but if your marriage is doomed end that first.

what your then ex husband does is not on you.

now that you are single evaluate do you want to be the OW

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 26/08/2022 01:09

mackthepony · 26/08/2022 01:06

Sounds like she's getting the worst from her current husband tbh

Indeed but I think people jump into marriage so easily these days, it's an agreement. I guess this is why 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Arou · 26/08/2022 01:22

You’ve ‘blossomed in the past year and have discovered who you are’ why sully that with the moniker of cheat or homewrecker? And for a transient fling at work with a man who hasn’t got the balls to leave his wife? Your husband may not be very pleasant but his wife doesn’t deserve this (and any man who takes steps to cheat and doesn’t have the bottle to be honest with you or his wife is a dime a dozen and it cheapens you). Take steps to leave your husband and keep your sense of dignity or don’t leave him, muck about with a married man with a midlife crisis and no sense of self respect who’d bone anyone who threw him one. Tough love, but it’s just not worth it.

Monty27 · 26/08/2022 01:35

Is your husband still struggling with alcohol or what's your reason for being unfaithful and possibly causing loved one's pain. You sound selfish..
Be honest always.

BritInAus · 26/08/2022 01:39

The other man aside, I can highly, highly recommend leaving your alcoholic spouse. You're worried they'll harm themselves if you leave. Perhaps they will. But as an alcoholic, they're already killing themselves...

butterflied · 26/08/2022 01:46

Don't fuck people at work. It's less thrilling when it gets messy.

Maybe also, you know, leave your husband before shagging someone else.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 26/08/2022 01:53

Why are you posting? You know this is wrong but you also know you are going to do it?

No one her is going to give you some sort of special permission or give you anything to justify it.

Your husband is an alcoholic. It must be difficult but the way of dealing with is not to have an affair with a married co worker. You may not give a shit about your husband and possibly with good reason but your professional reputation, your self respect, the respect of your kids, friends, family etc. are at risk. I know you don't care but his wife, his kids, the impact on them etc.

But no matter, you're still going to proceed.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 04:47

Your husband is an adult. You are not responsible for him or his behaviour.

You are two people who entered this world as individual people and will leave it in the same way. All you can control us how you play the game while you are here.

You're not obliged to stay with him. At the moment,you totally enmeshed with him and can't see that but if he is no longer making you happy and us not even a neutral in your life but a negative, then you don't have to stay with him.

For better or for worse means you won't bail at the first sign of trouble. It doesn't mean you'll sacrifice your own life to stay with someone you no longer love or wish to be with.

You're right to not want to have an affair but neither do you have to stay in your marriage. How he chooses to respond to that is up to him.

HelenAdamson · 26/08/2022 05:21

There is such a thing as not being in a relationship.

Musti · 26/08/2022 05:53

Arou · 26/08/2022 01:22

You’ve ‘blossomed in the past year and have discovered who you are’ why sully that with the moniker of cheat or homewrecker? And for a transient fling at work with a man who hasn’t got the balls to leave his wife? Your husband may not be very pleasant but his wife doesn’t deserve this (and any man who takes steps to cheat and doesn’t have the bottle to be honest with you or his wife is a dime a dozen and it cheapens you). Take steps to leave your husband and keep your sense of dignity or don’t leave him, muck about with a married man with a midlife crisis and no sense of self respect who’d bone anyone who threw him one. Tough love, but it’s just not worth it.

This.

And also you’re unlikely to end up with a decent man because decent men don’t go after married women.

much better to end your relationship with dignity than have an affair. No one looks kindly on affairs. Once you’re single and in a good place (different to where you are now because you’re still married) you can start dating and enjoying your new life.

Madamecastafiore · 26/08/2022 06:00

Is your alcoholic, pessimistic husband any worse than a man who is willing to betray his wife and children? You're probably not the first and won't be the last. Have some dignity and self respect and pull away now because this could ruin both your career and marriage in the long run.