I've had my head turned

[rosewellington]

Same old, a guy at work. I know how this goes. But bloody hell I still want to.

We're both married with kids. We have some work night's out coming up and a group long weekend away coming up. We've just started working together but already have each other's phone numbers.

He's already started reciting the script about his wife. We're very friendly at work, so much so that people will begin to notice. I know it's wrong but after supporting your alcoholic husband for years, it feels good to have that excitement again that you thought was gone forever.

I have blossomed in the past year and I'm finally happy in myself, after discovering who I am. I know what I should do but I can't make that move to leave. I also don't want to start something that will feel amazing at the time but will ultimately end in tears.

Don’t worry about your dh harming himself.
worry about your dc who will already be suffering harm because of your dh’s alcoholism.
Get your dc out. ASAP.

I hate to break it to you, but it's not just MN that disapproves of affairs.

I'm always perplexed by posts saying things like that. I can assure you that my views don't morph into something else because I'm on here. MN is not actually some parallel universe, even if it feels that way sometimes.

I'm not married but didn't you commit to your husband? For better or for worse?

that was supposed to be highlighted with a 🙄 under it

Apologies, I forgot to address the op.

Affairs are never ok. If your marriage is fucked and your husband awful, then end it.

I don't see how that will solve all yours problems though because there is another poor spouse involved. Your potential affair partner's wife presumably doesn't have the same issues that your husband has. There will still be victims if you go ahead with this. My sympathy is will her and any children involved.

Also, mumsnet does not approve of affairs so tread carefully on here and be ready to be called all sorts for suggesting

I think you’d struggle to find anyone anywhere who ‘approves’ of affairs.

OP
Just leave your husband and don’t have affairs with co workers. All that is just common sense

Also, mumsnet does not approve of affairs so tread carefully on here and be ready to be called all sorts for suggesting it.

No society hates affairs because they’re a shit thing to be involved in!

OP just don’t be that person. Affairs are selfish, entitled and as the poster above’s thread shows you become utterly self absorbed and boring.

Get yourself into counselling and work out how to move forward with your husband or not. Block this man and make it clear that you will not be party to his betrayal of his wife and family.

that doesn't mean she has to stay with an alcoholic under any circumstances!

Mumsnet always takes the view that affairs are never to do with how the relationship is going or how the cheating partner has been treated in the relationship but it often is. However I would say it's usually the woman who has been treated like crap by the man and therefore looks elsewhere for some kindness and interest whereas men who have affairs often do it from boredom which is a completely different situation.

in any case you need to end the marriage. You aren't going to find happiness in an affair, believe me.

Don't ever feel trapped because you feel he harm himself.

As exciting as it is please speak to someone who can help you end your marriage first.

He is married and you could get yourself burnt in this.
His wife could find out be after your blood.
Be very careful

Leave first. Believe me from sad experience it's the only way.

He won't leave his wife for you but you can be happy alone and then meet someone new if you want to.

I always find it amazing how people put up with shit in a relationship, let their kids be brought up in a relationship (and become damaged by it) that’s shit, with one parent that’s shit….then the minute they get some attention from another person that’s when they decide their marriage is so shit they can do what they want. An affair isn’t just their fault, it’s the fault of their shit partner.

Then they fuck their bit on the side because they deserve some happiness. They put the emotional energy into their own excitement and happiness. And yet still leave their kids having to live in a home where neither adult is happy and (in this case) an alcoholic. Because it’s the easier option than just leaving. Then claim they are staying for the benefit of their partner. But it’s ok, because they have some happiness outside the family. Fuck everyone else.

Theres never an affair that’s not rooted in selfishness. And Op says he is rolling out the script. Completely missing that they are too.

The fantasy would be much better than the reality.

Always? Well that's not true.

My own view is that an affair is no way to deal with a crap relationship. Marriage counselling (sometimes) and possibly divorce is. I think that's a fairly standard view, including on MN.

To sum it up - don't complicate an already messy situation by dragging other people into it. Sort out the mess first.

We all ‘know’ the multitude of reasons people have affairs.

But I don’t believe another woman/man and their family should be collateral damage for cheats needing ego stroking after they choose to stay in a relationship that makes them ‘unhappy’. I also know that these ‘unhappy’ relationships are often a sudden narrative.

Affairs pass pain on, cheats pass whatever they’re going through onto the betrayed partners, there are always victims.

Life's too short. Do it.

Once u have found out if it's just
A fling or a relationship he wants and you both are willing to leave your ohs first.

To be clear, there is no affair currently. But I can see that it could head that way. Certainly it will get to that stage quickly of being over familiar with each other which will stand out to our colleagues.

In relation to how far I've come in the past year or so, I can understand how that sounds big headed or I sound full of myself, that's not my intention as I'm definitely not. It's nothing to do with how I look or my work, it's more around finding contentment for the first time in my life and discovering my self-worth. This is separate to my husband, my work, this other guy etc. Having an affair would take a wrecking ball through what I've achieved in this respect.

And yes, there is the not insignificant collateral damage. My husband, kids, his wife and kids to begin with. My job. Our (mine and my husband's) friends and family. And that's before the self-loathing kicks in.

As a PP mentioned, the thrill is intoxicating. It is easy to quickly cross the line. I suppose that's why I posted, I need a reality check before I do.

I did marry my husband for better or worse. Let me tell you it's definitely been for worse more than better. No one can possibly foresee that surely? When I say I don't think it will last, I say it because I think how long does someone put up with what I've put up with. And that surely I won't forever more. There were red flags I suppose before we married but certainly nothing of this calibre, and nothing I could have foreseen.

Perhaps I am looking at this as an exit strategy without making that difficult decision. It's a cop out and will not end well for anyone. I've been on here long enough to see the damage it causes. Plus I have lived through it from the child's perspective, and still don’t forgive the parent 30+ years later.

@Remoteclockface

Also, mumsnet does not approve of affairs

To be fair, I don't think most people 'approve' of affairs. That's not a Mumsnet phenomenon.

If you are worried about your Dh harming himself if you end the marriage I can assure you, the risk of that will multiply massively if he finds out you are a lying cheat.

Do the right thing, by everyone.

Please take responsibility for your emotional well being and leave your marriage. The attraction for your colleague is a red herring. You are not your husband's carer, nor are your protecting him from further harm by staying.

The thrill is indeed intoxicating. Even more thrilling, perhaps, is never letting the thrill turn into something sordid or disappointing or mundane.

Enjoy the fantasy and leave it at that. Don’t ever let down your children, family, friends or yourself. No man is worth that.

You've forgotten one important component - do you really want to make a move with someone who is willing to cheat. Maybe you think you're justified, but despite his script, it doesn't mean he's in the same situation as you.

@EarthSight This is a very good point. Why on earth would I think someone who would do this is good enough for me. Lack of morals is not something I want in a man. So why is this thought even crossing my mind when I wouldn't want the same from a partner?

His poor wife