Husband is a porn addict

[Snoozley]

About a month ago I discovered my porn addicted husband has gone one step further to camgirl chats... I am not sure how long it's gone on for but he has run up debts on credit cards over £10k.. These were secret credit cards and he's been taking money secretly out of joint account to pay for it.

I am absolutely devastated. My marriage of 30 years is trashed. Our sex life has disintegrated partly cos of menopause low libido but also as over the years he has been quite pressuring about sex to the point I didn't want him near me.. He viewed por n before we met and I tolerated it because he said he needed it, but I assumed it was free... He blamed me for the cam girl use as I didn't give him sex.. He claims he always talked nicely to them and that it wasn't infidelity as it was virtual not in flesh.. I am sure he's been using a camera himself... I don't have details. He thinks there's nothing wrong with team by money he earnt our of joint account because he could afford it. We have had to tap into joint savings to get the debt down and he still owes a lot.. We have argued a lot to the point of me being so stressed I have been having panic attacks.. I have felt mentally unwell. I threatened to leave but he's devastated and says he will change and to to therapy. He still believes cybersex is not being unfaithful and justifies sneaking money out of account and hiding credit cards as he earns more and says it's not lying.. I feel sick... I have no idea how much money he's taken from account. If you met him your think he was a nice guy.. My emotions are all over the place.. Hate, anger and numbness..I feel nothing for him now and would leave it I could get financially independent.. Anyone else been through this..

So it depends on whether you want to end the relationship or not. For me the porn addiction and cam use would be enough to finish it, and separately the secret debt would be enough. Both together is a no brainer. I split from my exH because he would rack up credit card debts and hide them. After discovery I would clear them off month by month until gone, and beg him to tell me next time he needed money being married we are a team etc. Only to discover he'd done it again 6 months later and we owed £ thousands again. I lost respect for him and ultimately the marriage failed. Free porn is readily available (grim though it is) I don't see how him spending thousands on wank fodder is your fault. Dump. Get a better life, without a wanker in it.

This is how I feel tbh. Last night I checked the internet blocks were still on and found I could access por n sites. I challenged him and he claims he didn't revert the settings. He's annoyed I dont trust him and says it's a broadband error. He says I'm paranoid and have to trust him again. That's after yesterday seeing the extent of how much money he's been spending... He thinks I should just forgive and trust hin.

It's a nightmare as I can't quickly get out of relationship .. Need to get a full time job so can support myself

I couldn't forgive the money nor the webcam girls. The amount spent would be the deal breaker for me. If he'd done it once and was remorseful, agreed to counselling and no more porn then I could forgive and move on.
But that's SO much money. Every time I couldn't afford something I would just imagine him ejaculating. It would be over for me I couldn't get past that.

It's nice to be validated..thank you. My husband constantly invalidates my feelings about this.

Unforgivable morally and financially imo.

How dare he invalidate your feelings about this?! He 'always talked nicely to them'? Oh well that's ok then . What a prince amongst men. Don't feel forone moment that you would be remotely unreasonable to dump his sorry arse for this, OP. I doubt he even thinks you're unreasonable really - he's just hoping he can convince you that you are. I wonder how he'd feel if you'd done exactly what he did...

I am actually shocked at this situation! I cannot believe he is defending his behaviour in any part! My GOD.

Cam girls = cheating. It's chosen sexual interaction with another person, doesn't matter whether virtual/physical.

And the fact that he's racking up debt to facilitate this - and then defending his behaviour......!!

If it were me then the relationship would be over, without a doubt. You deserve far, FAR more than this, OP. Totally not normal or reasonable behaviour.

He still believes cybersex is not being unfaithful and justifies sneaking money out of account

Seperate up your finances ASAP, and from this moment on disengage emotionally. You’re only concern from now on should be working financially to exit this relationship.

The behaviour itself is repulsive, but his attitude is a whole new level of disrespect.

*your

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. Is it worth seeing a lawyer early to see where you stand? You can mention the debts incurred by him - I hope you don’t get any further ones. Sending you good wishes!

He claims he always talked nicely to them and that it wasn't infidelity as it was virtual not in flesh

What does he want?? A medal for not speaking to them like trash??

It doesn't matter OP. There's still interaction, and he knows it. Imagine if he worked from home, and was communicating with his colleagues every day and some came to him and said 'Sorry! No pay for you because you're working 'virtually'!

he still believes cybersex is not being unfaithful and justifies sneaking money out of account and hiding credit cards.....then why is he suggestion therapy then?

We have had to tap into joint savings to get the debt down and he still owes a lot

This is awful OP.

I'm sorry, but even if your sex life was really good, it wouldn't surprise me if he'd still be doing this. He has his hand in the sweet jar and it's irresistible. After all, how else would he get attention and sexual interaction from various very young women?? He knows he has to pay for that, (or pay for the illusion of it anyway).

Should have said this YES. Separate as much as you can or he will pull you both down into his financial wankhole

I've been spending time trying to sort the financial mess but as it's not aiding me to recover.. Get so angry that I decided today to just avoid as much as possible.. Went out for afternoon with kids and treated them..just doing normal things... I've felt quite emotionally detached with chronic anxiety but just going out made me feel miles better. As soon as I got in he was mithering for answers 're the financial and I just prioritised myself and kids... He went out and came back.. Was quite sharp and I instantly felt like I was going to have a panic attack... I think he is on another planet thinking I should just forgive and forget. I now feel tense when he is in the house and it's unbearable at moment as I need to keep things smooth for child.. He's wracked with guilt and distressed I'm upset and he's hurt me and I might leave him, but he hasn't said sorry, like he thinks it was ok. I think he's gone a bit bonkers to be honest.. Any sane man would at least know they'd done wrong. I took some meds for anxiety and then will keep my distance in house this weekend.. Emotionally separating if I can't do physically just yet... So have already seen some jobs so I can move to financial independance

‘Broadband error’ ……he really thinks your stupid OP
he is disgusting

your’e

He’s not wracked with guilt that you’ll leave him —- it’s because his secret might get out. You leave there’s nothing to stop you telling all and sundry what he’s been up to— that’s what he’s scared of.
Hes never going to admit he’s in the wrong , stay and you’ll still be dealing with this 5,10 , 15 years from now.
Starting with a job is a great first step. You’re taking control back from him and you’ll feel so much better for it.

Feeling rubbish this evening... I can't have an interaction with him at all without feeling intense rage... We're trying to set the debt out and even though he earns more I've told him he's not taking any more money out of the joint account to pay off debt as I want to see how the finances would be on a standard month without him taking money out... I feel angry about the deception. I feel angry that although I earn little in comparison that he's overspent on his addiction, so why should he get to pay off his debt so easily... My money is in account too... I've insisted on separate bank account for me so I can save, get a pension et c and he has a separate pot. I don't care if he has more as he earns more, I just need some financial security until I get a job... This is first time I nearly cried... I can't cry normally.. He wants me to stop hammering him about it as he feels really bad and is making big changes.. I'm just so angry. He thinks I should let it go now ... But I cant... Wants me to trust again but how can i

TIme to break up it seems. You cannot forgive the lies and money spending and he cannot accept the sexless relationship.

He blamed me for the cam girl use as I didn't give him sex..
He claims he always talked nicely to them and that it wasn't infidelity as it was virtual not in flesh..
He thinks there's nothing wrong with team by money he earnt our of joint account because he could afford it.
He still believes cybersex is not being unfaithful and justifies sneaking money out of account and hiding credit cards as he earns more and says it's not lying..

Look, he’s telling you straight to your face that as far as he’s concerned he’s not the one with the problem, you are the problem. He’s nice to them (wtf), it’s not even cheating, it’s his money to spend, he can afford it (er, how did he end up 10k in the hole then), blaming you for not wanting to have sex (let me be clear here, you are not in any way to blame, his disgusting behaviour is to blame), blah blah blah blah

So don’t buy the crap about therapy and change, how would therapy work, why would he change, if he thinks there’s absolutely nothing wrong with what he’s doing?

He won’t change, he won’t stop. He’s pissed 10k away (all on porn?), and he sees nothing wrong with this. You’re right to be angry, I’m angry now just reading about it. Either accept all his bullshit and let him get on with it, or leave the bastard, because he is an addict and he won’t stop at your insistence.

Surely with a joint account, you agree the amounts being taken from it and it should be for mutual benefit. I don't think cam girls qualifies somehow.

Cyber cheating is still cheating if it's done secretly. If there's no problem with it, why the need for subterfuge?

It's really cruel for him to suggest that he did it because he wasn't getting sex with you. Couples have ups and downs. Surely the first port of call would be for him to talk to you about how the lack of sex was affecting him. Then you could have had some input. Marriage guidance perhaps? It's just an excuse for his addiction to blame you. Don't fall for it and blame yourself.

We've had discussions,about lack of sex but he's never taken on my feelings about por n use. I've know for a while he's been on chat sites but naively thought it was free.. I'd gone beyond caring to be honest as he couldn't give a stuff about my feelings on matter. The financial betrayal has hit me hardest though. I feel like my life's been turned upside down... Apart from the burden of his high sex drive , we used to have a good relatiinship..por n addiction has taken over though so I've lost him to it. Whilst I genuinely think he has all intentions to stop I am scared he will relapse and his lack of insight into what he's done to me is alarming.. This isn't the person I knew.. Wondering what the addiction has done to his brain....he never was like this before, so lacking in understanding... Is it some kind of insanity the addiction... I've no idea how to deal with addiction .

So sorry for your predicament, Snoozley. I only have second-hand knowledge of how to deal with addiction but I'm sure there are others here with first-hand experience. Take care of yourself. x

Disconnect router, empty joint account and file for divorce

I'm feeling better this evening.. As I come to terms with my new reality I realise that this is a good opportunity for me to regain independence, get a job and make plans for my future . I don't have to move out yet. And I don't have to be miserable whilst living here.. I can just get back in the saddle, start enjoyin life, reconnect with friends, go out more , rebuild my life and do everything I love. I've now got great excuse for not being intimate so he can't nag me for that.. I can still do all the things I wanted to do before this revelation . If in meantime he goes back to porn, I don't give a fck, unless it affects finances again. I can separate bank accounts and keep track of money in meantime. He can try and earn back trust but I'm not settling for any crap. I refuse to be in a state of anxiety or depression over a man

Another row this morning discussing financez. Advised him I wanted separate account and whilst still joined financially we needed agreement neither of us to into debt or get finance without each other's permission or We could set !imit on how much each could spend... He took offence because he thought I was accusing him again. Apparently I should forgive him and trust him and stop making him feel bad when he's stopped and trying best.... I'm fuming... My anxiety through roof..panic attacks... Barely eating. Then his sister rings tells me basically I'm over reacting. Por n is ok, cam girls is ok as not physical affair and man basically was meeting needs ...and I should excuse him as he didn't know it was infidelity. As for debts, he earns more and I'm overreacting , reading too much into it and getting unnecessarily upset as he has promised he'll change. Also I should give him lots of support so he can quit the addiction... Pay more attention to him. Obviously he's been playing little boy victim to his family and course they're going to protect the man child in his late fifties.. Disappointed her by telling her I didn't even want to be in same room as him let alone support him by providing entertainment to divert him from going online...

I think we've been on threads together before ,snoozley, sorry to hear about the debts.
Anyway having been married to one of these idiots, I don't believe it's an addiction. If it was he'd be seeing a therapist and getting treatment. He's not. He's trying to make you feel like this is your fault (just porn, not enough sex yadda yadda). But he's spent 10k of your money on wanking.
FWIW because I'm a mug i tried to forgive exH when I first found out. I spent 5 years feeling constantly anxious when he came to bed later than me, trying myself into knots to give him the sex he wanted, with him gaslighting me that he'd stopped as he was "an addict".
Obviously he hadn't stopped. And he hadn't had treatment.

Life is so much better without that constant anxiety. And you can't fix this. He's the one with the problem, not you.

DM me if you want to, I know how shameful this feels x