Husband is a porn addict

[Snoozley]

About a month ago I discovered my porn addicted husband has gone one step further to camgirl chats... I am not sure how long it's gone on for but he has run up debts on credit cards over £10k.. These were secret credit cards and he's been taking money secretly out of joint account to pay for it.

I am absolutely devastated. My marriage of 30 years is trashed. Our sex life has disintegrated partly cos of menopause low libido but also as over the years he has been quite pressuring about sex to the point I didn't want him near me.. He viewed por n before we met and I tolerated it because he said he needed it, but I assumed it was free... He blamed me for the cam girl use as I didn't give him sex.. He claims he always talked nicely to them and that it wasn't infidelity as it was virtual not in flesh.. I am sure he's been using a camera himself... I don't have details. He thinks there's nothing wrong with team by money he earnt our of joint account because he could afford it. We have had to tap into joint savings to get the debt down and he still owes a lot.. We have argued a lot to the point of me being so stressed I have been having panic attacks.. I have felt mentally unwell. I threatened to leave but he's devastated and says he will change and to to therapy. He still believes cybersex is not being unfaithful and justifies sneaking money out of account and hiding credit cards as he earns more and says it's not lying.. I feel sick... I have no idea how much money he's taken from account. If you met him your think he was a nice guy.. My emotions are all over the place.. Hate, anger and numbness..I feel nothing for him now and would leave it I could get financially independent.. Anyone else been through this..

Hi adam.. Thanks your reply.. I'm in constant state of anxiety and no one to talk to except the sister in law but that was bad move... She cares more about brother and knows her call apart if I left... I felt very much like my feelings were minimised. Even the cam girl chats it's like I have to accept it as I'm not giving sex.. I don't want sex with him full stop so it's not going to happen.. I've no idea how much money he's spent or how many years he's been siphoning money off for his own selfish lust... All for a wank... It's frightening to wake up one morning and find out that you are in huge debt and it's come out of blue and that he's had credit cards before and been shifting money around and he thinks I should forgive him, as I'm christian...and then forget.... If you are betrayed financially as well as emotionally it's hard to get past that .. And when all this settles help be back to wanting sex with me.... Do I want to live rest of life like this with this burden that isn't mine? I think not

Do not allow this man to destroy you, and tell his enabling sister to go fuck herself. See a solicitor immediately and get out of this sham of a marriage. Not later, now. Do everything necessary to end it as soon as possible.

he thinks I should forgive him, as I'm christian...and then forget....
No, he thinks you should turn a blind eye so he can continue exactly as he has been doing. And his sisters response tells you all you need to know about attitudes to sex in that family. He's a man so he's entitled, if his wife isn't doing her duty he should be allowed to pay for it.
Fuck that shit.

I'm not Christian but I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't say you should stay in a relationship that puts you at risk of emotional or physical harm. Because with his attitudes, why wouldn't he also be seeing prostitutes? (I know, it sucks to think this, but logically what would stop him).

Why on earth would you stay with him? What is he bringing to your life?

www.google.com/amp/s/www.christianity.com/wiki/christian-life/what-are-biblical-reasons-for-divorce.html%3famp=1

Hi adam.. Thanks for link.. Yes, he's a warped Christian too ... At moment it's practical financial reasons I can't leave at moment . I am emotionally detatching now... I feel numb to him and practically no affection at all... I'd be happy if I didn't see him all day or evening.... There is no drama when he's not in and it gives me time to recover. I think my instinctive urge to recoil from his presence tells me everything I need to know about how I feel right now. I'm coming to terms it's the end of one life and I have to make a new one. Just need to recover from the shock... Which I will do

At moment it's practical financial reasons I can't leave at moment
Please see a solicitor just to figure out the best ways to protect your own financial interests

When will you be able to separate your finances OP? I’m quite concerned he will continue to run up further debt.

Fuck his sister, I doubt she would be saying the same if it was her husband!

The madness continues... Found out another unknown debt today ... He's claiming he told me about it but he didnt. He won't take responsibility for the financial debt claiming he didn't know it was so much and was shocked when he saw it. Claims also be was duped by the sex workers.. And to top it all I asked him why although he feels shame and remorse he has never apologised for what he's done.. His answer, I had to apologise first to him.. I asked him what for, for not giving him sex? He said no but could give me no clear answer of why he needed an apology... Again blame shifting... I obviously made him so unhappy he has to do what he did... Anyway can't even look him in the eye now.. I'm not feeling great so I'm not in good position to leave just now, but psychologically now I have blocked him. He is no longer a husband...

You are not compatible either financially or sexually (in one of your earlier posts you refer to the "burden" of his high sex drive). And he is in denial about what he has done and trying to blame you for his own very obvious failings. Your relationship is beyond repair and you need to separate ASAP.

Don’t leave, kick him out.
no way should you leave the family home.

How are you doing snoozley?

I'm actually beginning to feel a bit more normal.. The fog is lifting and my anxiety has greatly decreased.. Which means my mental health is improving.. Cloud is lifting... I reached an impasse in discussions with husband as I realise the por n addiction has altered his brain .. He has been por n free for a month now as far as I know and is making efforts to turn things round... He gets resentful if I mention anything and he feels shame et c so every time it pops into conversation I can see he's getting annoyed and he will walk away... But on the positive I am focusing on my health and looking after kids.. I've seen little of him last couple of days... And we are avoiding each other in house..or at least I am but I feel better.. I'm looking for a job now and seen a couple I'm interested in... Until my husband has the therapy which is on waiting list, I can't see him having full insight into what por n has done to his brain and behaviour.... I've been reading up on it but now I'm taking a break from all this negative stuff and getting back to me and what makes me tick... So it's all nice things not dark stuff ... So it's time to inject positivity back in my life and in a way live each day avoiding conflict and if that means not talking to my spouse, that's what I'll do.. Got to keep being a mum and still lots of pleasures in life... Not gonna be dragged into depression or anything... My mental health is too important... At least arguing has stopped and I can't be bothered now

He gets resentful if I mention anything and he feels shame et c so every time it pops into conversation I can see he's getting annoyed and he will walk away...

This is a very bad sign.

Hi aquamarine.. I agree it's not a good sign... : ( so I've realised that unless he gets therapy and keeps off it, he won't recover ... I.e his brain won't recover which apparently if he replaced the por n with other normal dopamine hit activities there is a chance his brain could be rewired to healthy choices.. But can take a year and even then I don't think he will get insight unless he does full course of therapy.. His commitment seems high but it's early days and I can see he has let por n addiction rule his brain for too long hence distorted thinking..denial etc.... At moment my primary concern is myself and children and keeping things stable as possible at home and finances now under control... But I am aware there could be a relapse.... Too long waiting times for t herapy doesn't help and porn addiction is not clinically officially recognised yet in uk, but doctor thinks it will be in future... So there are twelve step programs for other addictions like alcoholism etc... It's scary that porn is pretty much accepted as norm and yet it can be highly addictive to point of being compulsive behaviour and causing so much damage to families and the por n addicts brain

I am not sure about it being an addiction. If I repeatedly cheated, then told DP i was addicted to the dopamine hit of new partners, I'd get short shrift.

The webcams are cheating. He chose to engage with those women, he chose to spend your money on it. By framing it as an "addiction" he avoids taking responsibility.

The avoiding talking about it - my ex was the same, he also "gave up" porn but as you know was soon back on it. I do not miss the gut wrenching anxiety when he started hiding his phone/staying up late etc.

So sorry this happened. Sounds awful. It's worrying that his sister is now getting involved, telling you you're in the wrong (I had a call from a sister of an abusive ex some years ago and know it can be powerful to hear this from another woman). You say you refuse to be in a state of anxiety but you might be there soon if you don't get some support and make a start with the moves it sounds like you want to make (separating finances etc). It seems important to find someone who can advise you on steps to take (such as family law solicitor with a fixed fee).

I'd let him go and separate. It's dishonesty and no one can live with that long term without it affecting your health.

He also knows that if you stay you've tolerated so much he might move on to escorts or brothels.

Devil's advocate...

So, long (I presume) sexual marriage, menopause hits, and sex life plummets. This obviously hits husband hard as he enjoys/enjoyed sex, so rather than getting it regularly, he now needs to ask for it, but gets turned down a lot, which is obviously/possibly considered as pressure. So he either goes without (which many women have said in many MN posts, no-one should be without), or tried his luck by asking... that's all he can do right??? So frustrated he goes online to vent his sexual urges that he isn't getting satisfied at home. Non-emotional, not personal, paid for, professional service. Wife doesn't want to provide, husband gets online therapy. Good therapy is expensive. Cleary he has needed a lot of therapy due to the lack of 'activity' at home.

Don't hate me for spinning this the other way... obviously what he has done is wrong.

Women don’t exist to provide men with “a service”, what a disgusting way of viewing women’s sexuality.

Somehow, if this was the other way around, I doubt you’d have posted that. A man suffering with ED, his wife steals from the joint account and gets into debt so she can watch men perform for her online… No, I bet you’d be all about his poor, fragile male ego. You certainly wouldn’t be calling the woman’s desire to look at a hard dick, “therapy” 🙄

How are things now op? You last posted a while ago, and seemed to be pinning your hopes on a cure for brain addiction and therapy. I hope you've started to realise he is just selfish and making selfish choices.

Spot the 1) bloke or 2) handmaiden

Get stuffed with your “women exist to service men’s need for sex” narrative

@Naunet

I never said women exist to service. I simply said if he wasn't getting his needs met at home (as can be true for both sexes), individuals in those situations basically have four choices... to accept it and suffer, leave and get it elsewhere, cheat, or 'this', which is basically private, self-gratification.

I think the mistake he made was spending money on 'live' cams... had this been basic porn, many people would be seeing this differently. I think what he has done is wrong, it's too personal, and clearly an addiction.

And to answer your question, I'd say the same for a woman. The line 'for me' would be live cams and money/addiction... if a man has ED and a woman wants to play privately, she has every right to!

this', which is basically private, self-gratification.

This is basically cheating

Most people think going outside a monogamous relationship for sex is cheating

It doesn't matter if its cyber sex or real life sex

It doesn't matter if its prostitutes or women they know