Is a great guy good enough?

[EmoConfused]

Long time lurker, first time poster.
I'm 27, and I've recently ended a brief relationship (7 months) with a wonderful guy, let's call him Steve. Steve was kind, generous, stable, very understanding, very supportive, a great listener, generally happy to go at my pace and incredibly emotionally strong. Amazing sex life. We always had a good time together and he is easy to talk to and very smart. He definitely made me a better person. We have lots in common in terms of values, and what we want from life. He's a real family man which matters a lot to me.

However, I felt that I was missing the "spark" somewhat. A few months in I started to realise I was missing the banter I've had with previous boyfriends. The joking, flirty back and forth. Steve could be quite black and white, so while he could be silly, if we were having a serious conversation and I made a joke he wouldn't get it and I'd have to explain it, little things like that. Such a small thing, but inside I felt "this isn't right".

However, since we broke up a month ago I've been plagued by regrets. That perhaps I've let go of an incredible man who I could have been happy with. I keep thinking that long terms so much of a relationship is getting along and be commited and willing to work on things. He would have made a wonderful husband and father in many ways. I read so many horrible stories on here, and he is such a catch.

I'm very maternal and I want a family in the next few years (though not in the next year or two), and this feels like such a setback in many way.
For context, a year ago (before meeting Steve) I got dumped after a 4 yr relationship with a covert narcisist, who really manipulated me and destroyed my self esteem (love bombing, gaslighting, the usual). So in comparison, Steve felt like a such a breath of fresh air, especially at the beginning. Kind, compassionate, reasonable.

Have I made a terrible mistake?

It does sound like maybe you're looking for the perfect man (who may not actually exist).

One person cannot fulfil every single one of your needs, that’s impossible. This is what friends and family are for.

It sounds like you broke it off with a wonderful man, but only you can say what your heart wants.

He was different from your ex and new relationships take a while to adjust to. But this is a tough one because it sounds as though you actually listened to and acted on your gut instinct. But, is it possible that you gut instinct was telling this because he was different to your ex (which is actually a big positive seeing as you describe your ex as a narc.)? 🤔

Are you still in touch? Friends? if you were my friend, I think I’d advise maybe reaching out to him, and if he’s currently single, telling him how you feel.

My mum said once ' you can't have it all in a man ' 😀

@Catch21 @PetalParty @pumpkinpie01 that's also what I've been telling myself...but on the other hand, shouldn't have I been enthusiastic about him, at least in the first year or so?
I had such strong, almost an animalistic pull for my ex, that this felt a bit lukewarm

Banter? I always thought men who did this were really lacking in maturity. Endless “jokes” but nothing serious. I’d steer clear of banter if I were you.

Yes, you have. You can have banter with friends.

So your sex life with Steve was "amazing" but you felt that your relationship lacked a spark. Makes no sense whatsoever.

I agree

Everyone deserves someone who thinks they are 'enough' ... as a package, flaws and all.
Are you enough with all your quirks and flaws, good bits, bad bits and everything in between bits?
I think you've done the right thing by him, let him find someone who doesn't expect him to be flawless in every way. Good luck to him, and I hope he finds someone who feels as fulfilled with him as anyone can be with another human being.

Maybe banter is not exactly the right word (English is not my first language)...I generally mean laughing together, teasing each other, similar sense of humour.
I can be quite childish (both good and bad!) and felt that Steve didn't quite "get me" in those moments.
Perhaps you are all right, thank you all for the advice!
I just felt with previous boyfriends I had that easy "can talk about everything" chemistry...and with Steve it was more serious chats (again on topics where we mostly agreed though)

To me, it sounds like it was a mistake to let him go.

If the sex was amazing then I'd say there had to have been a spark of some sort - what sort of spark were you looking for?

This spark is overrated sometimes I think... people are looking for this indefinable something and, whilst Steve may not have ticked every box, he seems to have ticked a lot and I think I would have hung in there.

But I'm twice your age and I know how difficult it is to find someone with even half the qualities you mention, so maybe I'm biased.

Reach out to him if you can, it's worth a shot, but in my experience once you've broken up things are never the same if you get back together, so he may not still be the Steve you knew.

Or rather, can talk about "anything". Could spend half an hour discussing what I would name a pet penguin. Now a lot of people would find that total nonsense, of course, but I do enjoy silly chats as much as deep conversations.
Steve would probably look at me blankly. But perhaps with time he'd understand me more.

Talking bollocks is one of life's great joys, I'm with you there.
I can do this to an extent with my dh and we share a lot of humour (he has many excellent qualities as well as being able to give and take teasing which we do) but not all things I find funny he does and vice versa. To be able to laugh together is essential I think though for being able to ride out life's ups and downs, but your senses of humour don't have to perfectly overlap. But no humour would be tough imo. Though being supportive is more important and you can get a lot of humour from other people if it isn't a big part of your relationship.

If you were with an actual narcissist you have been groomed jn a way. You have to think very hard about being drawn to that banter, edge, etc. I think it makes you vulnerable. I have no idea if this guy was worth keeping, but at a minimum the timing is not right for you. You do need a little more self examination, I think.

Did did he ever make you laugh? Did you ever have those times when you were both in stitches together?

Surely amazing sex means there is a spark?

I think sometimes people say “spark” when they mean someone who fulfils a particular sort of dysfunctional role- perhaps treat em mean keep em keen or similar.

@OnTheBrinkOfChange you possibly hit the nail on the head, I could count on one hand the times he made me laugh. And a couple of those were stories he was telling me of things that happened to him which he found odd/embarrassing, but I found funny.

I could've written your post a few years ago. I had a guy who was exactly like your "Steve" - there was something missing that I couldn't explain other than a spark and a bit of banter. This was my first serious relationship after my exH cheated on me while pregnant - I then dated for 3 years and never met any decent men.

I ended it and friends and family thought I was made

1 month after we split I had major regrets, thinking he was the only decent guy I'd met in 3 years and he couldn't have treated me better. Real family man etc. Exactly as you described

I tried to apologise and give it another go but it didn't work

Following this I was then single for another 2.5 years and constantly wondered if I'd thrown away the one good relationship I'd met since my marriage ended

Only since I've met my now DP did I see how much of a mistake it would have been to stay with him.

My current DP is not perfect by any stretch and actually ticks less of my boxes on paper than my "Steve". However I've never laughed or felt so much myself in my life.....For me it's about being able to fully relax and be yourself around someone that makes it. There are things about DP that drive me insane (and vice versa) but just last week we were proper belly laughing and I had tears dreaming down my face and I found myself thinking how much I'd have missed this feeling if id have stayed with "Steve"
I might've had a more "ideal" partner with less flaws, more serious, more sensible, more money but I'd have been bored by now. And i wouldn't swap it for anything

I think it's just hard to describe when it is your missing with "Steve" as it's more than just laughter or shared banter, it's more about chemistry and a genuine connection. When everyone asked why i ended it with "Steve" (including "Steve") I put it down the "spark" and everyone just rolled their eyes and told me to remember I don't live in a romcom

It wasn't easy, I had another few years on my own filled with dating disasters and after each one I thought "Steve wouldn't have done that to me" - but everyone deserves more than a 'nice' relationship

Exactly this. You need someone you can be 100% yourself around in order to have true intimacy.

If you're not able to be your true self on your main relationship then when can you?

Yes, friends can make you laugh but you need a really deep bond and connection for a relationship to last rather than just someone who treats you well and has similar life goals

This is something else I felt with my ex. Technically the sex was great and he definitely knew what he was doing in the bedroom to make me cum etc. i found him attractive too. But there was never the "spark", e.g. no true connection that goes deeper than just good sex

Did you have the same language as a first language?

I can see why you'd have regrets if he gets the important stuff.

i'm always happy to chat penguin names but I appreciate it's not everyone's thing 😂

First, even the perfect on paper guy can just not be for you. The guy I was dating when I was 21 was lovely - really lovely. No-one really understood when I broke up with him but I knew I just wasn't madly in love (we had been together a year by then and the beginning was the usual delightful feelings but for me it wore off) and I just didn't feel like I was my utter true self with him. I do with dh. We are still friends 30 years later and he and his wife and kids stay with us occasionally. He is an exceptionally lovely middle aged man but I am so glad I ended it. I bet he is too as his wife is lovely and way better with him than me.

That said ....

Second, it isn't the good bits that matter so much (once the good bits are there)it is his faults. If you can see his faults and know you could live with them, then that is a big big plus in a relationship.

and third, you won't get everything from one person. I have conversations with friends I cannot have with dh. I have conversations with Dh I cannot have with any other friend. Don't expect one person to do everything.

A favourite quote I heard after ending a relationship like this is "forever is a long time to have small talk"

Imagine when life gets dull & monotonous at times, lack of sleep when babies are young.... kids leave home and it's just the 2 of you at the dinner table 40 years down the line.