Is a great guy good enough?

[EmoConfused]

Long time lurker, first time poster.
I'm 27, and I've recently ended a brief relationship (7 months) with a wonderful guy, let's call him Steve. Steve was kind, generous, stable, very understanding, very supportive, a great listener, generally happy to go at my pace and incredibly emotionally strong. Amazing sex life. We always had a good time together and he is easy to talk to and very smart. He definitely made me a better person. We have lots in common in terms of values, and what we want from life. He's a real family man which matters a lot to me.

However, I felt that I was missing the "spark" somewhat. A few months in I started to realise I was missing the banter I've had with previous boyfriends. The joking, flirty back and forth. Steve could be quite black and white, so while he could be silly, if we were having a serious conversation and I made a joke he wouldn't get it and I'd have to explain it, little things like that. Such a small thing, but inside I felt "this isn't right".

However, since we broke up a month ago I've been plagued by regrets. That perhaps I've let go of an incredible man who I could have been happy with. I keep thinking that long terms so much of a relationship is getting along and be commited and willing to work on things. He would have made a wonderful husband and father in many ways. I read so many horrible stories on here, and he is such a catch.

I'm very maternal and I want a family in the next few years (though not in the next year or two), and this feels like such a setback in many way.
For context, a year ago (before meeting Steve) I got dumped after a 4 yr relationship with a covert narcisist, who really manipulated me and destroyed my self esteem (love bombing, gaslighting, the usual). So in comparison, Steve felt like a such a breath of fresh air, especially at the beginning. Kind, compassionate, reasonable.

Have I made a terrible mistake?

@FrancescaContini @KosherDill fair enough that you don't like banter and find it immature. Nothing wrong with that.

You wouldn't be with someone who constantly did this no matter how amazing their other traits are or how great a catch they were.

This is because you wouldn't be compatible.

This is no different from the fact that OP isn't compatible with Steve because she does like this and feels it's missing.

Neither is "right" but IMO you need to be compatible in this area for a relationship to last (and be happy & enjoyable for both parties). OP shouldn't be expected to miss out on this any more so than you'd be expected to accept what you class as childish banter

I remember discussing breakfast radio with an ex, saying I switched between Chris Evans, Zoe Ball and Chris Hawkins. "Chris Hawkins? Has he got a voicebox?" He was referring to Stephen Hawking who a) had the wrong name and b) was dead so could not present a breakfast show. Used to drive me nuts. He did this a lot, that was just one example. I didn't feel taken seriously.

A shared sense of humour is the bedrock of a relationship. I think you made the right decision.

I think this is very very important in a partner. Because if you're going to spend time with this person every day for the rest of your life - conversation is all you have once kids are older and life moves on. Sure you can get it from friends and family but really there's no guarantee they'll be around forever and won't be in your life as much as a partner. The ability to spend hours being silly, talking about anything and everything and just feeling at ease is important. I also think it's a sign of compatibility because it means you can fully be yourself and it doesn't cause friction. So many couples come unstuck once the big things of wedding, house, kids is done - because there's 50-60 years staring ahead of them with no real connection or conversation to hold them together.

It's hard to say whether Steve is the right man for you or not - but even if he is, but you aren't ready for him, you won't enjoy the relationship. You can't rationalise your way into liking someone - the doubts, the general dissatisfaction will eat away at you.

Between the horridness of your ex, and the seeming perfection of Steve is a middle ground of nice, not as perfect man who you will feel more comfortable with. Maybe this has shown you that what you value the most is someone on the same wave length, you can laugh and chat shit with. You're still very young- 27 is when life is just starting, all the possibilities opening up. Don't tie yourself to someone who may not be right because you think you're on a deadline. Date, try on other people for size, and if you and Steve are meant to be together, you will. At this point, you're not feeling it, and he isn't for you. And that's ok!

Italian :)

Definitely, this is something I'm aware of - however I'm also wondering whether it's working the other way, that the comparison between horrific ex and Steve make Steve seem even more wonderful than he is. That i don't necessarily need to hang on to the first decent man (however wonderful) who comes along, does that make sense?

I couldn't be with someone who didn't make me laugh; someone catching me off guard with a funny comment or observation is the sexiest thing ever (also helps if he's got his shirtsleeves rolled up but y'know).

I can see why you're debating this in your mind, but honestly, a shared sense of humour can carry you through some of the hardest days in a lifelong relationship, and if you don't have that, I think conversation will become stilted and you'll be back in the same place again somewhere down the line.

This is where I am confused. Do I feel regret because I'm worried he was my chance at a lovely family life, or because I genuinely miss him as a person? I'm not sure at this stage, I've been so emotional at this stage.
I feel like by leaving him I might miss out on having a family with a great man, which is something I really want, but by staying I might deprive myself the chance of meeting a lovely man (who will definitely have other flaws, as we all do) who really gets me and who I can have fun with. It feels like a lose-lose

Yessss

@ganvough Thank you for the message, it's been really helpful.
"It's hard to say whether Steve is the right man for you or not - but even if he is, but you aren't ready for him, you won't enjoy the relationship. You can't rationalise your way into liking someone - the doubts, the general dissatisfaction will eat away at you."
This especially, I couldn't shake the doubts while with him, always something inside eating at me. I think you're right, perhaps if it's right it will be when I'm ready. Thank you

Let Steve crack on and meet someone who actually values all his qualities without looking for an additional X factor. Let's be honest, even if you're got back with him there will always be that lingering 'have i settled' feeling which is not fair on Steve .

I thought that when you said flirting and banter was a cultural thing.

You haven't fucked up. It just wasn't right and your gut told you that. If you're early in a relationship and something is missing, that relationship is never going to work long term.

Enjoying being silly seems a really important part of parenting and creating a joyful family life to me. Some of my most absolutely treasured memories is when all of us got the giggles together - and being able to refer back to those jokes afterwards too.

I don't think the word for this is 'banter' really, think that's bit of a red herring. It is just the shared sheer joy in the funny things someone in the family has come out with.

I think you did the right thing too.

Having been in roll coaster relationship prior to DH being with dh was like putting a pair of comfy slippers on, it wasn't boring but we were relaxed in each other company and everything was easy and we share the same sense of humour, Which over 20+ years of trails and tribulations I can confidently say being able to be yourself, communication and sense of humour were absolutely vital.

No body is perfect, I have flaws DH has flaws. You just need to know what's important to you.

I'm also wondering whether it's working the other way, that the comparison between horrific ex and Steve make Steve seem even more wonderful than he is

That makes sense and is definitely something else to be aware of. When we've been through abusive relationships, we can fall into the trap of being so grateful to find someone who's simply nice to us and treats us with respect (which should be a baseline thing for any relationship), that we end up sacrificing things that are important to us in relationships.

I wonder about this - being silly around (potential) children would be one of my joys if I ever have a family!
I occasionally babysit and showed Steve a picture of the kids I look after who decided to go for a walk dressed as dinosaur & batman - and he couldn't quite get it, to him kids should be dressed up properly. He would trust my judgement and let me get on with it, but to me the thought sparks joy. Why not dress up a dinosaur when you can, is how I see it?

My sister goes for ‘banter’ type guys. She’s been with an endless procession of absolute loosers her whole life.

I was in the same situation 8 years ago, I could've written your post, but there was no spark. 2 years later I realised I missed him and had made a huge mistake, a 'spark' doesn't last past the honeymoon stage anyway and there are far more important things in a relationship. We've now been together 6 years and have 2 children!

I think you let a good one go, you can’t have everything in a man

I think we know in our gut and you were right to follow your instinct. Personally I need that spark and someone who makes me cry laughing! I married the man of my dreams this year age 55…and I’ve never been happier!

I think you should message him , give things another try if you can as he sounds lovely

My sister dated my mate and dumped him after a year and was very much like yourself missing that kind of banter. Fast forward 25 years, he is happily married and absolutely fab husband material, reliable and incredibly hardworking. She was always looking for the impossible and never found it.

@blue30 thats just like my sister. She has been out with some absolute idiots.

Please please listen.
What you're 'missing' is the adrenaline highs you were feeling whilst with the narc. Negative energy, which gives you spikes of adrenaline and the fear of losing the narc, which is exactly what they want you to feel, and also the adrenaline highs of when it's going well when they have you exactly where they want you and are love bombing you to keep you there...

Please do whatever it takes to get Steve back.
Good luck 🤞

A few months have passed and to be honest I don't regret my decision to leave. In hindsight I thin "lack of banter" was misleading, it was more about not having a shared sense of humour. Steve could be quite literal so wouldn't get my jokes, and he could be quite serious.
I think if I were a few years older and desperatly wanted children I'd consider "settling" as he really is a wonderful person, but I'm craving more of a connection. Laughing together, having fun together...