Is a great guy good enough?

[EmoConfused]

Long time lurker, first time poster.
I'm 27, and I've recently ended a brief relationship (7 months) with a wonderful guy, let's call him Steve. Steve was kind, generous, stable, very understanding, very supportive, a great listener, generally happy to go at my pace and incredibly emotionally strong. Amazing sex life. We always had a good time together and he is easy to talk to and very smart. He definitely made me a better person. We have lots in common in terms of values, and what we want from life. He's a real family man which matters a lot to me.

However, I felt that I was missing the "spark" somewhat. A few months in I started to realise I was missing the banter I've had with previous boyfriends. The joking, flirty back and forth. Steve could be quite black and white, so while he could be silly, if we were having a serious conversation and I made a joke he wouldn't get it and I'd have to explain it, little things like that. Such a small thing, but inside I felt "this isn't right".

However, since we broke up a month ago I've been plagued by regrets. That perhaps I've let go of an incredible man who I could have been happy with. I keep thinking that long terms so much of a relationship is getting along and be commited and willing to work on things. He would have made a wonderful husband and father in many ways. I read so many horrible stories on here, and he is such a catch.

I'm very maternal and I want a family in the next few years (though not in the next year or two), and this feels like such a setback in many way.
For context, a year ago (before meeting Steve) I got dumped after a 4 yr relationship with a covert narcisist, who really manipulated me and destroyed my self esteem (love bombing, gaslighting, the usual). So in comparison, Steve felt like a such a breath of fresh air, especially at the beginning. Kind, compassionate, reasonable.

Have I made a terrible mistake?

Oh and Hamlet

(that's my favourite penguin name)

Oh I love that!

I thought Picasso or Monet. Leaning to Monet.

You have to call a penguin Pingu.

Or Pongo which my DS called his cuddly penguin because he didn't want to 'get copy writted by Pingu'.

At the end of the day, you need to decide what's important to you in a relationship. Somethings can be worked on over time (like sex etc). But if you don't have much in common, it's not a good place to start really.

Exactly everything @essex956 has said, worded much better than I could.
Sex was great because he knows what he's doing, and is an attractive guy and a very generous lover. Not necessarily because of a deep connection.

Hamlet is a lovely penguin name, some great ideas ladies! I personally quite like Philippa for a lady penguin.
See, this is the kind of chat I couldn't have with Steve. He'd take part, because he's a sweet guy who cares for me, but deep down it would make no sense to him because we're not naming penguins any time soon, so what's the point?

To reply to a PP, he is English and I'm not (although I'm fluent, and he speaks my native language to a decent level). Maybe its cultural as well, in my culture guys are a bit more flirty/jokey.

No one has it 'all'.

It's up to us to decide if the "faults" a partner has are deal breakers, or not. I think at 7 months you didnt give it enough time to evolve. He may not be like you personality wise ... but unless it really pisses you off, I'd have given it more time as he was so great in all other ways and that is bloody hard to find

Do you miss him? Long for him at all? Or are you just worried he was your chance at a good husband/family set up?

And.. surely your friends etc are the ones you can discuss penguin names with etc?? Your partner offers a different relationship - and sounds like he has a LOT of redeeming qualities.

Sorry lovely but think you've fucked up here!

I don't think you mean 'spark'. I think you mean he doesn't have a sense of humour, or 'get' you, which are two very different things.
And, given your past, by 'spark' you probably mean 'anxiety' which has become a habit you sort of crave cos it's familiar.

I totally get that there are certain conversations you have with friends rather than a DP, but what I felt and what I think OP feels is that while "Steve" is perfect on paper she can't be her authentic self around him

When I was in this position i always felt like I was on my best behaviour.....similar to how I am on a 2nd or 3rd date when you're still trying to impress. It's exhausting and kills the connection/spark. When I did end it my ex said he always felt like I had my guard up and I didn't let him in - tbh this was probably true but for some reason I didn't feel able to as I wasn't being completely myself

There are certain things I'd absolutely compromise on in a relationship but a genuine connection/spark and laughter are non-negotiable to me. Everyone is different though so it's up to you to decide what your compromises are

My current dp is too laidback for my liking, always late, messy....but 30 seconds into an argument he has me laughing and I don't care about the other stuff

What’s your first language, OP?

After being in a relationship with a narcissist you aren't quite the same again. Your nervous system is frazzled and you won't experience the highs of the love bombing phase with a normal man because the love bombing is a form of extreme emotional manipulation. My partner knows that I can't help but look back fondly on the love bombing stage of my horrendous relationship with a narcissist, even though I know it was actually abusive. When you are 'in love' with a narcissist you learn to associate love with adrenaline rushes and therefore normal love seems tepid. You may benefit from some counselling to understand your previous relationship.

I had a ‘Steve’ once. He really was a wonderful man, kind, considerate, very attractive and I really did enjoy being with him. However, there was something missing, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on, that kept me from falling for him. I think a PP has it right that I just couldn’t be myself with him.

I broke things off and questioned whether I’d made a mistake until I met my DH and we instantly had an amazing connection. We can talk and laugh for hours and I feel more like myself with him than with anyone I’ve ever known. I don’t expect him to be perfect but I just enjoy being with him in a way I never have with anyone else and we just have the best time together.

I’m sure if ‘Steve’ and I had stayed together we’d have been happy, but it couldn’t have come close to the relationship I have with DH and I’m sure ‘Steve’ feels the same about his DW, so I’m certain we’re both happy with the way things turned out.

I think that sometimes you can just feel that something is a little off and it’s right to end the relationship, even if, from the outside, things look pretty perfect.

If you can’t just relax and chat shit then it’s no good from my point of view. People are putting weight on the “banter” comment, or saying you get that from friends, but your partner is who you see first thing in the morning, last thing at night, when you get home from work, over dinner - you want light, fun, engaging chat, surely? You want someone who can make you see the funny side of a shit day, tell you something that happened at work and make you smile, someone who sees the absurdity in something on the news…I think it matters a lot. That’s really what most of a long term relations is when you think about it.

This would drive me bananas. Couldn't stand it. Immature.

I think you've done the right thing op, your life partner should be someone with whom it feels like you've arrived home when you're around them. It is really lonely being in a relationship with someone who doesn't "get" you.
My dh has things missing on paper but he totally understands and likes me (and i him) so we're a great team.
There are women who would have stayed because the timing was right for setting up a home and family, but that's not fair on the guy, the subsequent kids, or yourself.
It's a gamble of course, the pp on here who went through similar and now know it was the right thing to do, only knew that in the end because they found the right relationship and have that hindsight, when they did it they felt like you do...

There is no guarantee if that, but better to be in with a chance I think, which is why I think you did the right thing, living life well doesn't include settling I don't think. Even if 'Steve' was a total catch and a good standard of "settle"

Personally I wouldn’t be in a relationship where we couldn’t have a conversation about what we’d name our imaginary pet penguin.

I absolutely agree w other PPs that you can’t have everything in a relationship, but you have to prioritise and for me humour and the ability to talk bollocks is vital, because it’s why you’ll enjoy each other’s company when you’re covered in baby sick in your 30s, or having a health crisis in your 50s, and having to spend all retirement together in your 70s.

So I don’t think you have made a mistake.

I also think while it’s bollocks that you don’t sometimes have to ‘settle’ - if you want to be married and have kids sometimes you do. But 27 is a bit young.

It sounds like you think he's a bit boring, which is not really sustainable in a relationship.

I don’t think it’s cultural. The one thing English guys are famed for is using humour to mask other stuff in a relationship. It sounds like this particular guy is a bit too serious for you and isn’t really your penguin.

you did the right thing in letting him go. Whatever IT is, IT was missing from your relationship. Everybody deserves to be with someone who thinks they are incredible, he deserves that and you are free to carry on looking till that special person comes into your life

I pulled the plug on my very long relationship last year, lots of reasons why. One of them was that he was a bit of a joker and it annoyed me, he accused me of not having a sense of humour. I do, but it doesn't involve teasing and banter and definitely not at my own expense - I find situational humour much funnier and my sense of humour is much more dry.

Though I have cats and I talk to them a lot (yes, most cat owners do), he didn't understand that I couldn't just switch off and be the person that didn't do that when he was at my house. It wasn't "here fluffy wuffy moo moos" but just "Hello Hazza" as I passed the cat and gave him a headrub. I got a lot of criticism and was told to grow up and told "I thought you were a mature woman". He accused me of talking to the cats to annoy him, when it wasn't even on my radar.

I was always happy with the level of conversation we had otherwise, but it grated after a while because of differing senses of humour and his picking on me for things.

I had two 'Steve' boyfriends earlier on (I had two real Steves but they weren't compatible) who were fabulous guys and I was sad when I ended things in both cases because I missed them. It was as simple as not fancying them.

You might want to try to separate the challenge of finding the right person in the future with your decision to leave Steve.

Had you stayed with Steve your relationship would have come to a halt anyway. So you made the right decision to leave.

Judge your past relationship on its own merit rather than compare it with who might come along next.

What you are experiencing is the part of you that got habituated to the relationship and wants its daily fix.

Don't overthink this. He wasn't right for you in a way that's important to you. That's the only thing that matters.

Shared humour is important and if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. But no relationship partner can tick every box. Also dysfunctional relationships can be addictive because they tend to generate greater highs because of the depth of the lows and the relief you feel at being back in a good place all of which is very unhealthy - a functional relationship can feel boring in comparison. From that perspective, you might find Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood helpful just to see whether it rings any bells with you.

I don't think you've made a mistake. It sounds like you have a clash of personalities, and a shared sense of humor is very important in a relationship IMO. I never think someone should settle if something's missing just because he's a good or even great guy.

Having said that, I also agree with @violetcuriosity . Be careful not to compare future relationships with the love bombing you've experienced in the past. It's hard when we've experienced that intense whirlwind passion to then experience a healthier, calmer, more mellow relationship, and that in itself can make it feel like something's missing. You have to figure out whether what's missing is the intensity of love bombing (which isn't healthy and is a red flag) or whether it's a genuine essential need of yours in a relationship.

Agree. It seems so juvenile. I hate it when people derail a discussion with jokes and quips.