Lost all my self respect and don’t know how to get over this deep hurt

[Bianlaj]

I’m 30 weeks pregnant and my partner left me a month ago saying he had changed his mind about wanting to be a dad and that I had changed in pregnancy and he couldn’t deal with my mood swings. I thought he would come round but he has not spoken to me since. Stress has been an understatement. What’s upset me especially is he works high up in gynaecology and speaks to women day in and day out about these things and offers loads of support.

This morning I woke up furious. I re read my texts, 90% apologetic, none of them referencing how below the belt some of his behaviour was in my pregnancy like generally just being miserable and not taking interest, making me feel like an inconvenience. I’ve basically begged for him back and here and there said ‘but you did this’ and ‘please can we talk?’ Over and over.

I’ve lost all self respect haven’t I? Is it gone for good with him?

I have decided I don’t want to be with him now but the grief has then followed that my life doesn’t look like what I hoped for my family unit. I can’t believe how awful he has been to blank me. I’m devastated by it and utterly embarrassed that I’ve asked to talk so many times. i have moments where I want to text and list to him how shit HE actually is and how he’s a shit person for acting like me and the baby don’t exist.

But there’s no point in carrying it on is there. Someone please talk me down. I’m very very fragile so please be kind. I can’t believe how my world has fallen apart.

Also feel like he gets to go and live his life as if nothing has changed, pretending he’s not a dad! And I have to deal with everything else, sorting stuff for the baby, setting up the home, all the emotions etc alone. And he just wanders off into the sunset?

I'm so sorry he's treated you so appallingly, you do not deserve that kind of treatment. Please do not be unkind to yourself. You have not lost all self respect, you were hurting and looking for answers. Sending you lots of hugs.

I’ve lost all self respect haven’t I

I'm just going to pick up on this one thing, because it's at the root of the problem you're having. You can't find out about your self respect from other people. This is you looking for validation. Validate yourself, and this will all look very different.

You decide if you respect yourself. If you're struggling a bit, think about what someone would do in your situation that would make you feel huge respect for them, and then do that.

What will it be? Tell him he's an arsehole? Block him out of all existence? Post him a rotten trout? Complete silence for him forever more? You choose what you find to be the most respectful thing. All options are yours for the taking.

So you were upset? You pleaded a bit? That's what people do when they give a shit about the relationship. That's the right thing to do. That's the emotionally connected thing to do. But to disrespect yourself for it? To talk yourself down for it? That won't do a thing for you.

Come at everything from a 'I did it because I'm ACE' perspective. You kept trying to talk to him because you're ace at being patient when someone lets you down. You apologised loads because you're ace at accepting your part in a fall out. The toxic behaviour is his response, or lack of; it's not you. Your traits are very good for a healthy relationship. They just feel shit because of him.

Let him go. Let your self doubt and self criticism go. Let yourself off the hook, give the baby some happy hormones instead of stressing yourself out. Be good to yourself.

@Watchkeys would you message and call him out on being so awful? Or just leave him with the latest ‘I wish we could talk, what about us etc ‘ soppy message?

it IS over for me but I want to leave it on a note that makes him fucking think one day

How horrifying that he works with women that could be vulnerable.

Most alarming.

How long were you together and was the baby planned?

He's a complete bastard and your responses are pretty normal so far.

Being angry is good. Block him and don't speak to him except on your terms, through a solicitor perhaps, to arrange contact when the baby comes along, if that's what you want.

Don't ask him, or 'call him out on', anything. Dignified silence wins. He'll know from your silence that he's lost his power.

@StopStartStop i wish SO much I ha sent one message and that was it but I did it daily and often a few times! Even if I’m silent now it probably won’t have any impact will it, after weeks of going from desperation to anger, in circles. He will probably just feel glad I’ve stopped. And I know I shouldn’t care but I do, I want to feel I’ve taken back some control :(

It's fine, it really is. He'll have been enjoying all the 'come back, speak to me' stuff and will miss it when it's gone. Control and dignity are yours for the taking. Control yourself first, pay attention to your life and your issues, to your pregnancy and plans for you and the baby, and leave him completely out of it.

I’d text him a calculation of the CMS he’ll need to start paying you as soon as the child is born along with your bank details.

What about his parents? Do they know? They might want to be grandparents. I think they're entitled to know. And make sure you apply for child maintenance for the baby. How dare he say he doesn't want to be a dad? Cherchez la femme, that's what I say.

@StopStartStop i guess I feel it’s gone too far now, he will have reams of messages. He’s such a bastard. Do you think I should end it on a pleasant note/reasonable or one that or a little bit more acknowledging his own flaws as well?

@Wnikat i thought I would just make the application directly to be honest. Otherwise I feel I’m begging for money too. God I hate him.

Just block him, keep his contact details for your application to the CMS.

Move on, focus on the exciting years you have ahead of you. I've been a single parent since day 1 (dumped him as he and his buddies kept making abortion jokes and being twats) DD is amazing, the first few years were tricky with sleep deprivation but I wouldn't want it any other way and because her life is all she knows she hasnt been through the trauma of a divorce and parents splitting up when she was aware of it. Her dad did get back in touch and they see eachother weekly but DD says he is more of an Uncle that she likes to visit than a dad. She does brilliantly at school, no behavioural issues and we get on really well, none of the teenage angst and arguing I had worried about and I think its because its just the two of us.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime ahh thanks for sharing that. When did he get back in touch? Was he at the birth? I know I need to cut this man off now. I actually can’t believe what he’s done and the relationship is over. I just feel devastated for the baby.

Just seen your update, you take back control by living your life on your own terms. Send one more text when your child is born letting him know she is alive and well and then leave it. If you get on with his parents know that they will likely always side with their son but they may also want to be grandparents if that is something you are open to.

Write that note. Write it all out on paper, tell him what a despicable shit he is, and get everything out of your system.

And then tear it up in to tiny pieces and throw it away. It will make you feel better, I promise.

So sorry.

I’ve been in a similar position in regards to the feeling like you’ve lost all your respect, I wasn’t pregnant but I begged and pleaded and professed my undying love and really degraded myself and a few days later realised it was bullshit and that I didn’t love anyone who could treat me like this and that he should be the one begging for me, and he wasn’t, so he wasn’t worth shit. I wanted to text him again and tell him I didn’t mean any of it. But we both know how that would look! I just vanished and never spoke to him again (he’s reached out a few times over the years to get ignored right back)

We didn’t have a child tying us together though, so it was different, but stay strong and don’t go back again on a different angle, it’s all attention, good or bad we look like we just want an in.

@justthinkingagain thanks. I just feel annoyed the last thing that was said was wanting him back. With no mention of what he was like! I know ultimately it shouldn’t matter but from a self respect point of view I want him to know he wasn’t perfect if you see what I mean

Horrible man. Just tell him you will make sure he knows when your lovely baby is born and he will hear about child support. Onwards and upwards for you.

Which would make you respect me more?

This is about you, and your relationship with you.

Stop worrying about what note you leave him on. What would the most respectable person in the world do, in your situation? What could a person do that would make you think 'God, she ROCKS!'?

@bianlaj he didnt want to know during the pregnancy and we had met at uni so I moved back home with my parents and he finished off his university course and then moved to my area as he didnt want to move back home. He did come for the birth and stayed a few days afterwards before going back to uni. I didnt particularly want him there and hadn't seen him in 3 months but dads who are at the birth are more likely to be involved with their child and I wanted that for her.
He was very angry I had 'ruined' his life and wanted to take it out on me and was very unpleasant for a while. He was difficult with contact as he suddenly decided he wanted 50:50 when DD was 6 months old as that was his right and that I better get used to not seeing her much and got all Fathers 4 Justice. I was very happy for him to have contact providing it was in a way appropriate for a baby. In reality with work he barely managed the contact awarded to him by the court. He job hopped so as not to pay me any money as he resents me having anything, the irony is I completed another degree and earn twice as much as he does now as I've strived to provide for DD and myself whereas he just got more and more bitter.

However, with all that in mind DD enjoys her time with him, hes more of a babysitter than a parent but the fact that he has to make all the decisions himself when shes with him I think makes their relationship better than if we were a couple like so many on MN where the mum does all the grunt work running around cooking meals and dad watches on. A higher quality of time together rather than quantity. It also meant that I've always had a days break when shes with him which is useful.

Your ex may change his mind on parenting once baby is born or gets to a more interactive age or once they meet a new partner thats not impressed hes ditched his child and thats lots of other obstacles to cross but life is long and Im sure you can handle the bumps in the road.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime thanks. Do you think if he’s not at the birth he won’t have any interest in dc later on then? That’s my concern for dc, not for me. Makes me really sad.

I've been exactly where you are, more or less, with an added older child too.

Do NOT have him at the birth. Let him know when she's arrived but that's all. Set up CMS as soon as you can.

I did the whole begging thing, I was actually very very mentally unwell and o sometimes feel sick at how much control I gave him. He pursued, and still does at 18 months old, 5050 residence and I've had to fight against that. He's awful.

Just leave things now. archive the chats. You were heartbroken, you had your family vision destroyed. Its OK to grieve that life you thought you were going to have.

You won't regret going it alone, when your baby is born you'll know it is you who is her world and you get the good bits as well as the hard bits. If you have support around you, lean on them. Join a birth group online to.share your baby stories with. You've absolutely got this!!!

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime you mentioned more likely if at the birth, is that a statistic? I can’t see him being at the birth you see, I think he’s glad he’s not around

@Lavendersparkles22 thank you. was he at the birth? The poster above said men more likely to be an involved dad if at the birth and I definitely can’t see him being at it. I just want the best for dc, can’t stand the man and don’t want him in my life personally.

I want to text again as the last text was suggesting we could work things out

I think I read that statistically it was true at the time but that was 13+ years ago.

Only have him at the birth if you want him though, there were moments when I wondered WTF id done having him there when I couldnt stand him and I was at my most vulnerable.

What is best for the child is having a primary carer who provides for them and is unstressed as possible. Children are very resilient to everything else.

Dont text him at all right now, texting him just shows him that hes still taking up head space. Enjoy the end of your pregnancy and then if you want to offer an invite to the birth do so or if not just send a notification letting him know the baby has arrived.

I would also avoid putting him on the birth certificate as he can always be added later if he turns out to want to be involved. But once hes on it he can cause issues. If you want the DC to have a birth certificate with Dads details just buy an extra one and handwrite it on for them they are less than a fiver.