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Original poster

Lost all my self respect and don’t know how to get over this deep hurt

51 replies

Bianlaj · 25/08/2022 17:40

I’m 30 weeks pregnant and my partner left me a month ago saying he had changed his mind about wanting to be a dad and that I had changed in pregnancy and he couldn’t deal with my mood swings. I thought he would come round but he has not spoken to me since. Stress has been an understatement. What’s upset me especially is he works high up in gynaecology and speaks to women day in and day out about these things and offers loads of support.

This morning I woke up furious. I re read my texts, 90% apologetic, none of them referencing how below the belt some of his behaviour was in my pregnancy like generally just being miserable and not taking interest, making me feel like an inconvenience. I’ve basically begged for him back and here and there said ‘but you did this’ and ‘please can we talk?’ Over and over.

I’ve lost all self respect haven’t I? Is it gone for good with him?

I have decided I don’t want to be with him now but the grief has then followed that my life doesn’t look like what I hoped for my family unit. I can’t believe how awful he has been to blank me. I’m devastated by it and utterly embarrassed that I’ve asked to talk so many times. i have moments where I want to text and list to him how shit HE actually is and how he’s a shit person for acting like me and the baby don’t exist.

But there’s no point in carrying it on is there. Someone please talk me down. I’m very very fragile so please be kind. I can’t believe how my world has fallen apart.

OP posts:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 25/08/2022 19:31

What an absolute bastard, don't have him at the birth, have strict instructions that if he arrives he's to be sent away.

Do you have an alternative birthing partner?

Dery · 25/08/2022 19:32

Do NOT push for him being at the birth. See whether he asks to be and then decide whether you want him there. You had every right to be very angry that the man you had planned a baby with (an obstetrician no less) couldn’t deal with your pregnancy hormones and changed his mind. And it was also a natural response to want to fix the rift. He sounds very uncaring, however, and you’re better off without him.

I’ve read on MN, and I’m sure it’s true,: better an absent father than a crappy father who repeatedly lets his child down. From what you say - the most powerful thing from you now would be silence. It doesn’t matter how he feels about your silence - he regards your feelings as completely unimportant; you need to regard his the same way. Don’t fret about what kind of relationship he has with DD because that’s entirely out of your control. Focus on you and DD now and reach out to whatever sources of support you have.

firstmummy2019 · 25/08/2022 19:48

Watchkeys · 25/08/2022 17:58

I’ve lost all self respect haven’t I

I'm just going to pick up on this one thing, because it's at the root of the problem you're having. You can't find out about your self respect from other people. This is you looking for validation. Validate yourself, and this will all look very different.

You decide if you respect yourself. If you're struggling a bit, think about what someone would do in your situation that would make you feel huge respect for them, and then do that.

What will it be? Tell him he's an arsehole? Block him out of all existence? Post him a rotten trout? Complete silence for him forever more? You choose what you find to be the most respectful thing. All options are yours for the taking.

So you were upset? You pleaded a bit? That's what people do when they give a shit about the relationship. That's the right thing to do. That's the emotionally connected thing to do. But to disrespect yourself for it? To talk yourself down for it? That won't do a thing for you.

Come at everything from a 'I did it because I'm ACE' perspective. You kept trying to talk to him because you're ace at being patient when someone lets you down. You apologised loads because you're ace at accepting your part in a fall out. The toxic behaviour is his response, or lack of; it's not you. Your traits are very good for a healthy relationship. They just feel shit because of him.

Let him go. Let your self doubt and self criticism go. Let yourself off the hook, give the baby some happy hormones instead of stressing yourself out. Be good to yourself.

This is amazing advice!
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Do you have a mother, sister or close friend you are confiding in?

firstmummy2019 · 25/08/2022 19:49

Watchkeys · 25/08/2022 17:58

I’ve lost all self respect haven’t I

I'm just going to pick up on this one thing, because it's at the root of the problem you're having. You can't find out about your self respect from other people. This is you looking for validation. Validate yourself, and this will all look very different.

You decide if you respect yourself. If you're struggling a bit, think about what someone would do in your situation that would make you feel huge respect for them, and then do that.

What will it be? Tell him he's an arsehole? Block him out of all existence? Post him a rotten trout? Complete silence for him forever more? You choose what you find to be the most respectful thing. All options are yours for the taking.

So you were upset? You pleaded a bit? That's what people do when they give a shit about the relationship. That's the right thing to do. That's the emotionally connected thing to do. But to disrespect yourself for it? To talk yourself down for it? That won't do a thing for you.

Come at everything from a 'I did it because I'm ACE' perspective. You kept trying to talk to him because you're ace at being patient when someone lets you down. You apologised loads because you're ace at accepting your part in a fall out. The toxic behaviour is his response, or lack of; it's not you. Your traits are very good for a healthy relationship. They just feel shit because of him.

Let him go. Let your self doubt and self criticism go. Let yourself off the hook, give the baby some happy hormones instead of stressing yourself out. Be good to yourself.

This is amazing advice!
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Do you have a mother, sister or close friend you are confiding in?

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 25/08/2022 20:14

If he ever ever refers to you begging him, you just have to say "well you know what it's like for hormonal women during pregnancy, sometimes I felt like I was going absolutely crazy. Thank God that's past now and I can see the reality". Never ever get together with this man.

Lulu996 · 25/08/2022 23:31

I’m so sorry for what your going through, I was in an almost identical situation with my ex (a doctor) at the same time in my pregnancy as you are.
My advice is be very kind to yourself and however much you feel like you want to message him you will not get answers with that kind of narcissistic man who lacks basic empathy and kindness. Go straight to the cms when your little one is born and get a good support network in place and possibly some counselling. I’m so sorry this is happening and I understand the pain. Feelings almost always change when the baby is here and I guarantee he will want to be involved at some point however in my situation my ex is so in and out of my little boys life I have got to the point where I feel more peace when he’s not involved despite literally begging at the beginning. I promise you will be ok, please use the last weeks of your pregnancy for self care and sleep. xx

Original poster
Bianlaj · 26/08/2022 00:00

@Lulu996 thank you. Was yours at the birth? I don’t think mine will, he’s completely ignored every pathetic message from me. I actually don’t think he will see dc at all. It’s hard to comprehend. So sorry this happened to you too.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 26/08/2022 00:02

I hope you can find joy in getting things ready for baby - this might not be how you planned it, but those last few weeks before the birth should be when you get as much rest as you can and surround yourself with supportive people and ‘nest’.
He’s let you down and would probably let your baby down. I’d focus on you and baby now and perhaps send a firm message to him later on.

Whatabambam · 26/08/2022 00:25

You haven't met your little one yet but your life with them will bring more joy, love and happiness than this man will ever know. Replace your resentment of him and the life you have projected onto him with the recognition that it is you who will gain everything.

Original poster
Bianlaj · 26/08/2022 00:27

@Whatabambam so hard as I envisaged it all with him. I don’t know why he’d have cut me out in this way. I hate him for it :(

OP posts:
Aretheyhavingalaugh · 26/08/2022 00:32

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. But a child is magical, they will be the best and most important thing if your life. They will make you smile when you are sad. How long was you with your partner? I think it's really awful he has put you in this position without any real explanation. I would feel I deserve an explanation too. It seems you are definitely better off without him and he doesn't seem like a reliable person

VioletToes · 26/08/2022 00:38

Don't have him at the birth. You will be at your most vulnerable, ever. He will see things you won't want him to. You might be thinking it will snap him out of it, but it won't and you'll never be able to take that back.

You seem as though you want to contact him again. Personally, I wouldn't. Going quite and giving him nothing, gives him no power. And he'd hate that.

Text him after baby is born letting him know sex and name, and tell him you've contacted CMS.

newbiename · 26/08/2022 00:58

I wouldn't even tell him the baby was born , let him find out via CMS

Musti · 26/08/2022 05:44

You have all the respect and he has none, bailing on you and your baby. Pathetic little man.

Do whatever makes you feel good. If you need to write what you think of him and how you feel then do so.

And fwiw it is completely normal to try and get the father of your unborn child back so no shame in that. But now quite rightly because he is so pathetic you no longer want him back, if you want him to hear some home truths then do so.

And then enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and prepare for your lovely little baby. Having a baby/ies is the best thing. You will know no love like it and it is completely his loss.

Theonlywayisup1 · 26/08/2022 05:51

I am so sorry for what he has done to you, he is a weak, selfish, cruel person. No one deserves to be treated like that, any decent human being would at least give closure.

please don’t beat yourself up for texting him, be proud that you’re a fighter, who doesn’t give up easily and wears her heart on her sleeve. What lovely qualities, your baby will be very lucky to have such a woman as a role model.

regarding moving forwards, have a note book beside you at all times, whenever you want to text him, write the text In the notebook, fill the notebook up if you need to, you can read back without feeling bad that he hasn’t responded. Also use it to write down how you’re feeling. It’s good to get it out and it actually gives you something to do in those moments of anxiousness.

I hope everything works out for you, once your baby is here you’ll feel totally different.

good luck to you, I’m looking forward to hearing you’ve come through this and are enjoying motherhood

Madamecastafiore · 26/08/2022 06:10

Get on with your life, do not contact him and try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, knowing that even if he acts as though he doesn't care he will be wondering what is going on with you and the pregnancy. Build a wonderful life for you and your child, make a claim through CMS and if he tries to get in contact get a solicitor and go through them. Totally grey wall him now. He doesn't get to do this and ever stroll back in. He needs to stump up financially for his child and remember when he finally settles down with someone and it comes down to sorting finances they'll be a woman out there probably writing on here eventually asking how her new partner could just walk away from his pregnant girlfriend and not have anything to do with his child.

Billybagpuss · 26/08/2022 06:21

What you’ve done is a natural reaction to the situation he’s put you in.

Don’t message him again nothing you say will have the impact you want. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

WinterDeWinter · 26/08/2022 06:30

I'd message one last time. 'I've finally realised what a cowardly cunt you are. You poor, pathetic excuse for a man - thank god you won't be around to inflict your damage on a child. '. Or something like that.

ManAboutTown · 26/08/2022 06:35

As a gynaecologist I would expect him to understand mood swings in pregnancy - God knows I had them whilst waiting to become a Dad for the first time. My wife and I talked about how we were both feeling as she had much worse mood swings than me.

He sounds like an utter bell end and you are better off shot of him.

Lulu996 · 26/08/2022 09:05

Bianlaj · 26/08/2022 00:00

@Lulu996 thank you. Was yours at the birth? I don’t think mine will, he’s completely ignored every pathetic message from me. I actually don’t think he will see dc at all. It’s hard to comprehend. So sorry this happened to you too.

No he wasn’t at the birth as I didn’t invite him and I decided not to message after he broke things off as it really wasn’t worth the stress I had my sister at the birth and it was the best decision as it turned out he had another woman all along.

My ex was adamant he didn’t want anything to do with him but had a change of heart although the contact isn’t regular and my son is 10 months now. I understand how painful and heartbreaking it is but I promise you will get into a routine with your baby and I’m now at a point where it dosent hurt anymore and I dread having to speak to him. I begged him too but please be kind to yourself because you sound like a decent human being and what he has done to you is cruel and callous. I’m so sorry my messages are open if you’d like to chat at any point x

Original poster
Bianlaj · 26/08/2022 09:15

@Lulu996 thanks for responding. When did you beg? I’ve begged, sent texts highlighting his failings, apologised myself, then begged again give us another chance, if you just stopped talking when did you beg? And how far along we’re you when he left? At what point did he come back wanting contact/when did he meet dc, was it provoked by you?

im just so sad about it all. I keep thinking my last text wasn’t good. It just said I’m trying to talk like adults. Baby growth is in x lerrntile and has long legs x’

feel like it’s a shit text to end it on… though I’m probably just obsessing :(

OP posts:
Lulu996 · 26/08/2022 10:10

Bianlaj · 26/08/2022 09:15

@Lulu996 thanks for responding. When did you beg? I’ve begged, sent texts highlighting his failings, apologised myself, then begged again give us another chance, if you just stopped talking when did you beg? And how far along we’re you when he left? At what point did he come back wanting contact/when did he meet dc, was it provoked by you?

im just so sad about it all. I keep thinking my last text wasn’t good. It just said I’m trying to talk like adults. Baby growth is in x lerrntile and has long legs x’

feel like it’s a shit text to end it on… though I’m probably just obsessing :(

I was about 33 weeks too and just started my maternity leave we were on and off during the pregnancy but then he sent a text saying I’d pushed over a cliff and we couldn’t go back so I cut contact. He came back about 10 weeks after the birth and I’m ashamed to say that when my son was a newborn and I was so sleep deprived I fell for his apologies and desperately tried to make it work. He cut me off again about a month later and that’s when I found out about the other woman and I cried and begged he didn’t leave us unfortunately because I just wanted our little family. The best thing I ever did was the Freedom programme and had some counselling after that life honestly got soo much better and now I can look back on him and realise he’s a very unhappy man and not someone I’d want as a partner. There are millions of good, decent men in this world that would treat you so much better and accept your child as your own it says a lot about his character that he’d do this to you in such a vulnerable time in your life I’m so so sorry. I also recently changed my number and use a burner phone for him incase he decides (rarely) to ask to see our son.

Softplayhooray · 26/08/2022 10:31

OP that's awful, I'm so sorry. I think you will be happy you gave it your best shot in asking him as much as possible to reconcile. You can look back on that and know you did everything you could to keep your family together for your child, and I think that's really valuable and not something to regret at all. Please don't feel bad or ashamed in any way.

What jumped out at me immediately is thank God you split before your baby arrives. He sounds like a nasty control freak who would make your life hell - if it's this bad when you're pregnant it'd be a hundred times worse once baby arrives. If he begs please do not take him back.

Also the fact he's a gynaecologist and acting like this makes me think that he's a nasty control freak - he likes to be the expert and call the shots around women's bodies but when it comes to the real life day to day reality of a real woman and her hormones, her feelings, and so on, it's all too 'messy' for him.

You're so much better without him OP!

UsernameIsCopied · 26/08/2022 10:46

Please don't say you've degraded yourself etc. What he did was incredibly cruel, heartless and cowardly, he left you in a desperate situation. It sounds like you are better off without him and the day will come when you realise that. It is highly likely that he would have been such a useless parent that your baby would not have benefitted from having him around.

A father who is so scared of being a dad will not suddenly change just because he's been at the birth, you are (understandably) clutching at straws here. Get organised and find another birth partner, cut him out of your life and focus on yourself and your baby.

Pegsonstrings · 26/08/2022 11:06

You haven’t lost all your self with by begging for him back. It’s understandable that you want back some reassurance and what you thought would be rather than what you have been left with. Don’t bring yourself down with your own words because you will be ok.

shed all your energy on the arrival of your baby and focus on that, and your own well-being. I was in this position 25 years ago and my son is great. It was hard but such a beautiful journey too.

of you can, brush this episode under the carpet, get motivated and ask yourself if having your ex in your life would be the best thing seeing how awfully he is treating you and your unborn child. Your ex would always be putting doubts in your head and making you feel less than. You deserve more from life than that.