Different attitudes to money?

[MaybeWeCan]

Different attitudes to money - do you think this is something you can get past or learn to live alongside?

Neither of us is irresponsible. We were just raised in different circumstances financially and have different lifestyles now. It has been the only thing I’ve wobbled about in our relationship, everything else is good but this does seep into other areas like gift giving etc.

just wondering if anyone has learned to live with this sort of thing and if you have wise words for how?

I think that "family money " set -up is easier to manage if both partners have a similar attitude to money, therefore maybe a more structured and individualised managing of money might help.
I believe that each person in a relationship generally speaking has a right to live and spend money in a way that suits them, but they shouldn't be allowed to make their partner do the same, or try to do the same with partner's money.

It depends on what the different attitudes are. Can you expand?

We are planning to live together soon and the discussions we’ve had around joint bills etc have seemed fair and reflective of our different incomes.

For context he has more than me but I am more generous with what I do have. I am just worried that it will end up being something we seriously fall out over.

we have never argued but I have been hurt by his attitude a couple of times and I am concerned that will keep happening and I’ll end up resentful.

I’m just interested in hearing if people have overcome it.

Get this sorted out before you're in too deep. Life as a couple can be long, and if you're not happy it can seem an eternity!

If you have different attitudes and values towards money, please be sure not to make yourself dependent on any of his income.

Would you consider a marriage course? DH and I went on one a few years ago and there was one session dedicated entirely to attitude to money (as it's a common area of conflict).

Luckily for me and DH we have very similar attitudes towards money (more like your DP - we prefer to save rather than spend).

We are very happy in every other way though. But I think you’re right in that we should sort this before it does make us unhappy. Or more likely, me unhappy.

We aren’t planning to marry but I would be open to therapy around it and I think he might too.

He saves a lot. I want to save but never seemed to earn enough too (single parent income) I would love to save when I am able to though so we aligned well with that.

I am not frivolous, I just know how it feels to have no money and no treats so will treat those I love a little when I can.

he acknowledges his attitude to money is a bit odd sometimes but still carries on with that. I am not looking to change him. Just trying to understand how to live alongside it. I am certain he never means to hurt me when it comes to money. He’s just a bit thoughtless and I’ve probably not been assertive enough in telling him I’m upset.

Keep your finances separate. Marry if you plan on having kids together.

Is the issue that you have found him ungenerous on occasion? I think this could be something important to work through first. Do you ever borrow money? I have a friend who is very generous with herself and others but is therefore invariably broke. She has no financial stability whereas mine is good and there's not been a big income disparity over the years. And the reality is that when we go out, I have to pay. It grates on me a little as in some ways she is so generous but in other ways she is a taker. She gets things for herself that I can't afford because I am stabilising my finances. I wonder if you DP thinks, on some level, that if you are generous with others but then expect him to treat you or make up for the shortfall, you are effectively getting him to treat your friends. Money in the bank may be important stability for him. If, however, he expects you to pay more than your fair share, that's an issue.

If you have different attitudes to money, a setup in which you both have your salaries paid into the same joint account and there is no his money / her money, only family money, is a recipe for disaster. You need to keep your finances as separate as possible.

Me (saver, ‘careful’ with money) & DP (spender, very expensive hobby) found that this approach worked well : We have our own current accounts and a joint account. Our salaries are paid into our own accounts and we both pay £xhundred per month into the joint account. 50/50 worked for us, but it could obviously be 60/40, 70/30 etc depending on circumstances. The mortgage & all household bills are paid out of this account, which is set up to run a modest surplus to cover unforeseen expenses, eg the washing machine dying. The rest of our money is our own to save or spend as we see fit. Each of us pays for our own car, clothes, hobbies, memberships, subscriptions etc etc & we take it in turns to pay for groceries.

I don’t think couples give enough thought to finances before they move in, the fact that you have is a good sign. However I find that resentment grows so it depends what your issue is.

For example I would resent a partner who relied on me to pay more than my fair share if he overspent regularly. I couldn’t live with a partner who kept his earnings and went on golfing weekends when I couldn’t afford the same or expected me to pay childcare out of my earnings or finance my own maternity leave etc.

But we have family money, we pool it, basically I think separate money is harder for me if it’s unfairly balanced.

We definitely won’t be having children together. I have one, he doesn’t and has no desire to ever have one.

if we go out I always offer to half the bill. I often pick up the bill by myself too. I never expect it. For example, we had a little break and he drove so covered petrol so I paid for activities to even it out. That sort of thing happens and can sometimes leave me watching the spending more carefully afterwards but that’s my choice to make.

He can be generous but I often feel it has to benefit him in some way. Like he brought me something to replace something because he likes certain brands and that’s important to him. I was fine with my previous thing and never mentioned upgrading etc. so lovely and generous but I don’t think he’d have even considered the gift if it wasn’t for the pleasing him part of that. (I’m fine about him not considering it btw, I don’t need him to shower me with anything)

Contd…

I don’t think therapy is what you need here, OP. What you need is a straight, honest discussion and hard-headed pragmatism.

He sounds tight. Life is too short for tight men, you can do better.

Agreed.
And even if you do marry, agree what goes into the pot and both have independent money to do with as you please.

Joint account is the pot you both set up a DD to pay in, but always ensure you get paid into your own account.

Today he found a bargain item and went and brought it. He told me about it and offered it to me. I thought it was a gift. I’d not mentioned replacing this item before - he got it because it was very underpriced and he can’t resist a bargain, he knew he could resell it for much more etc When he dropped it off I made a remark about my current one going to DC and that I’d sell the unwanted one (for about £10) because we wouldn’t need all of these in our house. He immediately said he’d have the proceeds.

that £10 is such an insignificant amount to him, it really would make no difference but he was happy to claim it from me. So what I thought was a sweet gift has led to me being indebted to him and it’s really upset me for some reason. This is the sort of thing I worry I won’t get past but it’s such a good relationship otherwise. He is seemingly happy to take money from someone he knows is struggling without a second thought when he definitely does not need it himself.

I’m so confused about it.

We will have a joint account. I will pay half the bills and we will split the mortgage depending on the amount my wages will be adding to it. He currently has one and I don’t so this seemed fair.

To tell you the truth, difference in attitude to money is a big thing in a relationship, there's no way around it. You have already mentioned feeling hurt by his attitude. What happened to make you feel this way?

He has tried to give me a cast off as a gift to save himself the cost of buying me something for example.

he has made a sweet gesture before then realised he can count it as an early birthday gift to save himself money. It wasn’t expensive. it just made me feel a little worthless.

I am just struggling to unsee it all now. 😓

Sorry OP but I can't stand tight men. There's a big difference between men who are slightly careful so they can cover off eventualities and ones who will take a £10 off you after giving you a gift.

I think it's make or break time and you need to be honest- you don't have as much as he does, can't always go 50/50 and it's either he pools it fairly with similar spends and maybe a set amount for savings or it isn't going to work- along with sex, differing attitudes to money causes a great many split ups

At a minimum you need to say all this to him—
say it kindly and assume it is just ingrained behavior, and not personal. Once I pointed it out and let him k ow how I feel over these little things. They are little things. You are both independent and are not having trouble on the big issues, but feeling incated for is so poisonous. You have to be able to talk to him and help him understand you adore him and think the world of him, but you need more tenderness in this area.

No this is not right. You should not be paying half the bills. If he is earning more than you, ALL bills and everything else should be proportional to your incomes.

Have a joint account that you both pay into proportional to your incomes. Then EVERYTHING for the house or the relationship comes out of it, including groceries, meals out together, jointly-agreed holidays, the lot.

Except for: your own cars, clothing, make-up, 'special' toiletries, personal hobbies, personal items such as a coffee or book you buy yourself, presents you buy for your family if they are not to be 'from both of you', and similar things.

However this only works if you can trust him not to take the piss and e.g. put load of his clothing and personal stuff in with a joint supermarket shop.

The mortgage is up for negotiation as it depends who owns the house and under what legal terms.

Then if he still has more money than you after his proportional contribution to the joint, he can decide if he wants to do things like pay for an 'upgrade' to afford a better holiday, or treat you to a meal that he pays for, or pay your car repair bill.

Or he could just be tight and save it all - but that won't matter as pretty much every joint expense you need or reasonably want is paid from the joint account.

This isn’t what you want to hear necessarily, but I am years into a similar situation and I wouldn’t recommend it.

We have always had separate accounts and paid similarly into a joint account as our earnings are similar; but he is similar in outlook to your DP.

With hindsight, his good points are ruined by what I perceive as his financial meanness. It festers underneath our entire relationship; for me, anyway. If we didn’t have kids I would have gone. But it’s a far harder decision now we have them. I would strongly recommend thinking about what you want your future to be like.

Actually, agreed. Moving in and you paying 50% of
mortgage is a big financial
win for him and accomplished nothing for you. You guys really do need to have an honest talk because you are going to end up so filled with resentment.