Different attitudes to money?

[MaybeWeCan]

Different attitudes to money - do you think this is something you can get past or learn to live alongside?

Neither of us is irresponsible. We were just raised in different circumstances financially and have different lifestyles now. It has been the only thing I’ve wobbled about in our relationship, everything else is good but this does seep into other areas like gift giving etc.

just wondering if anyone has learned to live with this sort of thing and if you have wise words for how?

When he dropped it off I made a remark about my current one going to DC and that I’d sell the unwanted one (for about £10) because we wouldn’t need all of these in our house. He immediately said he’d have the proceeds

I would run for the fucking hills if I were you. This is not the thinking of a kind, loving partner. Tightwad, skin flint, cheapskate, whatever you want to call them, these people are hardwired this way and it always translates into other areas of their lives/personalities. Their money is always, always, always more important than anything else in their lives.

Don't subject your child to living with him.

Yeah I think we will have to have a good clear talk about this if we are going to get anywhere.

I felt like paying 50% of the household bills was fair because I am bringing a teenager to the mix so shouldn’t it really be more?

but he did initially talk about percentage proportional to wages but has moved to this 50/50 plan.

The mortgage is tricky. He has a very large deposit for the house. I have none. We looked at what mortgage I would be able to get alone and that figure is the amount I will pay. His deposit will be his but should we split I would get a 6th of the profit because that is what I will ‘own’

I have said I would like to get advice about these figures so I will make sure I do that but this seemed fair when we talked it through. I want his deposit to be protected, he worked for that so it’s only fair.

So from your examples he appears selfish rather than his attitude to money. I wouldn't respect someone who tried to pass off an early gift, especially one that benefited him more than me, as a birthday present later on. He should own his choices. He should buy himself what he wants, and if he doesn't want to spend any money on a gift you would like, then say so. This is about generosity and not about spending or saving or how much money anyone earns.

My parents have wildly different attitudes to money - mum overly generous dad very tight (grew up with a gambling addict dad so always afraid of being without) there has been a lot of issues because of this over the years BUT my Dads frugality has led to a comfortable life in which mortgage is paid off they also paid for driving lessons for us 3 kids and paid for my sisters dance college fees and my university fees (when it cost £1k a year) my dad hates spending money for no reason and can be a nightmare (will park miles away to avoid car parking fees, never eats out etc, as kids would question mum buying us new underwear for example!) but between them they've kind of found a balance now in their late 60s (yes it took that long!) my mum actually moved out for a year or so and I think that shocked him into trying to modify some of his behaviours. I think try and find out the reason behind his behaviour, for my dad it was complete anxiety and wanting us all to be financially secure but if it is part of a larger picture I f being selfish that's going to be a big problem. Definitely recommend some kind of counselling to discuss both views and approaches and see if you can find a middle ground.

No, if you're paying 50% of bills then his portion of the deposit should be protected but you should get half of everything after IMO. For instance, if the house increased in value by 100k, you should get 50k + whatever deposit you put in if your relationship ends.

But to be honest given your updates I would run. I can't imagine what it's going to be like if a repair comes up or he feels you're using more toilet paper than him. I'm careful with money but this man sounds like a nightmare...

No, no, I wouldn't run. It sounds like gift giving is a bit transactional for him, but that's not the end of the world.

(Have you heard of the five love languages? Can you tell that gifts are bottom for me?!)

I know soneone who wouldnt marry someone unless he sorted out his student loan.
She wasnt going to take on his debt, unless he was totally serious in the way he was going to handle things financailly in the future.

Like you say, money seeps into all sorts.

Have firm rules.

No No OP re the mortgage! The agreement should be he pays the deposit and you both contribute to mortgage. If you split up or sell, he gets the first X amount to regain his deposit, the remaining balance of the equity is split 50/50. You split the profits half each. Getting a sixth is less than 20% of the profit made and you've paid in 50% each month. Please make sure you get legal and financial advice

You need to sort this or you will become resentful, I can testify to that.
‘My DH spends his money then ends up taking money out of our joint savings account to pay off his CC. Not acceptable and one of the reasons we are on the brink of divorce.

I would agree this ^^ with the mortgage, if his is deposit say 50k, he get the 50k back if you sell then 50/50.the rest
as for the other bills, if he earns more than maybe he contribute a slightly larger amount maybe 60/40 split even if a teenager, or you will have no money.

I think attitudes to money are more complex and tend to be ingrained in us from childhood,, but are also influenced by long term relationships with people with different attributes
good luck 👍🏼

He just doesn't sound particularly generous of spirit. Is he kind and thoughtful in ways that don't include money or purchases? Does he give his time and talents freely between you, or is that transactional also? Will he be counting up the days or hours you have to yourself, and expect reciprocation in kind? Will he be happy for you to see friends, have weekends away, continue hobbies, etc? Or will he be resentful and expect to have you all to himself?

My partner and I aren't the same about money, but neither of us are tight, it's more that we are anxious in different ways. 😅 (cost of living increases don't help!)

I would be wary if I were you, OP. Is the money thing evidence of his character in general?

OP,

You have written long posts trying to avoid what you absolutely know to be true and your what your gut is telling you.

He is mean, tight, a skinflint to his core.

He would rip you off given half a chance.
He most certainly does not love you.
If he did he couldn't possibly be as ugly with his meanness towards you.

You have a child, not much money, yet he sees you as someone to take advantage of.

Do not get involved financially with him.
He will mess you around and take advantage of you, and you will be very stuck.

Stay where you are and rethink this whole thing.

He is mean to his core and every single interaction with him, will be you seeing him determined to come out ahead, at your expense.

Stay where you are and protect yourself.

There is little worse than meanness in a person.
It goes to the core of who they are.

You know this.
Stop ignoring what you know to be true.

My DH and I sound very similar to you, except the other way around (I'm the saver and the one who doesn't like overspending, and he is the generous one). We had very different upbringings too.

Looks like I'm going against the grain here by saying it totally CAN work (we've been together almost 6 years). It just needs some clear communication, rules, and understanding of the other person's attitudes.

Take mortgage and bills out of it for the moment (because different couples will split things differently according to their income (we split ours 50:50 because we have similar incomes)).

Everything else that is joint stuff - groceries, eating out, clothes for the children, outings, subscriptions, cleaners, homewares, gifts for other people, etc etc - that ALL just gets paid with the same credit card and then split 50:50 when the monthly bill comes. The key thing is that we have a threshold for purchases - ours is £50 but you can agree a different amount - if the item is under this then we don't need to ask the other person. If over this then we need to discuss. And of course things do come up which still need a conversation (like how much money to put in our friend's wedding card or whether this gift for our daughter's nursery friend's birthday is too expensive or how much we're willing to pay for the garden to be done up) - but generally it's a quick conversation / a bit of research, and we come to a compromise.

AFTER all that joint stuff is taken care of, then the rest of our money is our own. The reason we don't share this is that we have very different attitudes to saving vs investing. I'm a saver and I need a safety net always, while he is a spender and likes trying out risky ventures and investments. So this way each of us feel like we can do our own thing. Obviously if we ever need each other's money for whatever reason then we'll give/lend it no problem, but there's an understanding that we each have different ideas about saving and spending.

lots to think about I guess. We have said we will discuss it tomorrow night and get some firm numbers in place.

for reference the mortgage thing is worked out like this: (numbers made up for ease)

house worth £600 k
his deposit is £300 k
joint mortgage would be £300 k at roughly £1500 a month repayment.
my wages account for £100k of that mortgage. So I would put in £500 a month towards mortgage. He will pay the rest. I probably would struggle to pay half the mortgage. I could do it but it would leave very little after other bills.

he thought this meant I’d own a sixth of the house.

i figured if we split, he gets his deposit back and I get a third of the profit after that because I’ve been paying a third of the mortgage but he said he felt I’d get a sixth because this is the proportion of what I’d brought to the table via the mortgage. This is the bit I want advice over although it did seem fair when explained like that.

I find it all a bit picky to get so down to the pennies like that but accepted it was his nature and I would never want to do him out of his own money because he does work for it.

he can easily afford the house by himself. If we split I’d not have enough to buy again. I currently rent very cheaply but won’t ever get this stability again.

I feel like I’m questioning everything now. But we are genuinely happy. He is kind and loving in so many ways and I do want to keep things fair financially. I’d never want to be dependent on him or take advantage of him either.

Never, ever put yourself at risk of financial security. Ever.

I think you're coming at this from the pov that you want to be fair, not take the piss, not be seen to be grabby. He is coming at this as a man who had given you a gift you don't want and then expected you to pay for it. 'Fair' is not you making greater sacrifices and him getting all the benefit.

I currently rent very cheaply but won’t ever get this stability again.

Out of everything you've written this feels like the most important to me. You're a single mother who can currently keep a roof over her child's head without extra support.

That is priceless - I'd only give this up for an equal trade off, irrespective of how much you can physically bringing to the table you need to be equal in terms of security if you ever need to leave the table and it doesn't sound like your partner would go for that.

Your partner needs to understand this isn't coming from a "grabby" place where you're out to fleece him but you're at risk of losing something substantial too if you move in together and give up the security of your current home. At a guess your current home is social housing which is why it's secure and relatively cheap - I'd really think long and hard before surrendering that for a man that doesn't see eye to eye on how you're both fixed for housing security in the future.

If you didn't have a child I'd still be wary about giving up housing security, but with a child it becomes non-negotiable for me personally.

Yup, he's being fair.
If you're only bringing 1/6 in, you're only owning 1/6.

His £300k capital can't just be a set amount he gets back, a fixed amount will be eroded by inflation - he could have invested it elsewhere. Plus, he's put it at potential risk if prices go down, so he should benefit from reward.

But any maintenance / improvements / refurbishments that need doing.. yup, you only need to contribute 1/6 which is a bit if a bargain.
Don't get suckered into a 1/3 and defo not 50/50.

Yes it is social housing but I felt like what I’d be gaining in terms of a partner and a better family life would be worth giving that up for. I will never be able to own a house any other way. DP and DC get on very well and DC was asking to all live together way before we had the discussions. I was single a very long time and happily so. We get along so well in every other way. I don’t want to give this up over something I feel is unintentional on his part. He isn’t mean, just thoughtless and driven to save or earn what he can.

that’s why I am so desperate to see if we can work past this attitude difference.

We probably have different attitudes, which is why our way of arranging finances works well.

We each put an agreed amount into the joint account which covers all joint expenses; mortgage, bills, food, nursery, holidays, nanny, decorating etc, plus a bit extra, and then keep the rest of our money separate.

The separate stuff we spend, save, invest or give away as we choose. We might discuss it if it’s something major, but in general don’t bother.

I am aware I bring very little to the table financially. He is willing to cover that shortfall and he could go find someone with equal earning power if he was that bothered.

@OfficiallyBroken I agree with you. Getting social housing again may well be very difficult if anything went wrong and then you may well be stuffed getting access to cash quickly to sort somewhere else, even your 1/6th - can you imagine trying to negotiate that from a position of no strength

Personally OP I would keep the situation as it is - let him buy the house and see how you feel in a couple of years.

I think his way of splitting the mortgage is hypothetically fair, but I agree that it leaves you vulnerable if you were to split up (and may not be able to return to your current situation). Have you expressed that to him? He may not realise if he's not given it much thought.