Different attitudes to money?

[MaybeWeCan]

Different attitudes to money - do you think this is something you can get past or learn to live alongside?

Neither of us is irresponsible. We were just raised in different circumstances financially and have different lifestyles now. It has been the only thing I’ve wobbled about in our relationship, everything else is good but this does seep into other areas like gift giving etc.

just wondering if anyone has learned to live with this sort of thing and if you have wise words for how?

We have talked about it. When we first started dating a was quite clear we would probably never live together as I value my security for DC sake. But over the years we have gotten on so well and it seems natural for us to want to live together.

The time we spend together is always lovely and loving. It’s just this one thing that I start overthinking when we are apart.

He does understand what I am giving up and how vulnerable I would be but I’m not sure he can understand it on an emotional level as he’s never been through the housing system the way I have and he doesn’t quite understand the emotional load of being responsible for a child too understandably

There is NOTHING thoughtless or accidental about his meanness and you are in complete denial about it.

For you to consider giving up the security of your home for a mean man is madness.

Absolute madness.

Ignore your gut at your peril.

It's very tricky OP. There's no easy way to allow for it in a straightforward way in your mortgage calculation, because it's hard to place a financial value in what you're giving up. Maybe the answer is not to move in with him until DD is 18 and you don't have to worry about being close to her school etc, which can make it much harder to find somewhere suitable. How old is she?

Or I suppose the other solution would be to get married.

He is seemingly happy to take money from someone he knows is struggling without a second thought when he definitely does not need it himself

If this is true then he is thoughtless, selfish and perhaps lacking in empathy. I couldn't take £10 off my partner if I knew they didn't have much cash.

I think you are confusing attitudes to money and meanness. He is tight and mean-spirited. Do you live together now?

Meaness is a very unattractive quality in anyone and quibbling over £10 really shouldn't be ignored in this case. He's not understanding your position at all.

Also if things didn't work out how would you recoup your 1/6 th share of the house? Will it be reflected on the deeds or deed of trust? Enforcing it would be costly and you don't seem to be in a position financially to do that. You are making yourself very vulnerable moving in with him.

If they buy in joint names and have a joint mortgage, by default they'll be 50/50.
It would be up to him to prove she's only entitled to 1/6.

I don't like him! I think you are going to have a very long hard life if you live with him.

He is very tight and he wants to benefit from you financially. He tries to pretend he's being generous while telling you at the same time that he wants to take your money off you.

Seriously you really need to reconsider this.

You sound so lovely and he does too in a way, but you are selling yourself short. Money isn’t everything. You clearly bring something special to the table—kindness, fairness, and a love of this man. He should feel the same. Why not get married? And if not, maybe leave things as they are, keep you place, and revisit after a real discussion about how vulnerable you are and how the attitude you see manifest in these little things makes you feel you need to practice a little more self protection. He has a lot to lose here too—you! He could find a higher earner, but seriously. You. You are valuable and that should be enough. You are not looking to use him. But there has to be a more more care between you that you are feelings.

You say you'll never own a house unless you live with him but if you are in social housing you may have the right to buy (depending which type of housing).

Could you look into that because potentially you could buy your home, rent it out, live with your partner and if it ends you still have a house?

I don't think you'll get past how tight he is, quibbling over £10 when he earns £75k+

You are in denial. You don't want to admit what we all can see. This IS a problem. Being tight, a meanness of spirit is a very unattractive quality, and worse still it doesn't just affect how you view money, it affects how you behave, how you think, how you treat others - everything. Don't underestimate this.

When I was married both salaries went into a joint account which covered everything - mortgage, household costs, school fees, holidays etc.

There was also a set amount ( the same for each) that was auto transferred to our single accounts for totally discretionary spend. My wife didn't enquire as to how I spent mine and vice versa.

My income was a lot higher but she covered more domestic stuff and worked a lot less hours. Very rarely, if ever, argued about money.

The bottom line was that we were both comfortable with that so it worked

Meanness about small amounts though is a real red flag

We sound very similar to you with a slight adjustment.

Salaries are paid into our private accounts. We have agreed a set amount of ‘pocket money’ that is equal for each of us and transfer salaries minus pocket money to the joint account. Any family / household expenses are paid from the joint account.

Dh burned through his pocket money each month and I manage to save a quarter of mine but hey, his choice!

This has worked really well for us in keeping things as fair as possible.

He has a 300k deposit but wanted half of a tenner.

Ah for gods sake.

He immediately said he’d have the proceeds of £10. You have to do petrol contribution calculations in your head - to make sure everything is “fair”.

But he earns £75k?! And has £300k savings?

I don’t like him either. Not one bit.

id rather be alone and happy and free in the gutter tbh.

Don’t give up your housing either whatever you do.

He wants it all on his terms doesn’t he.

You sound lovely Op, maybe naieve, certainly taken advantage of.

I agree, imagine giving up the independence and security of your child, in this day and age, for a man who would wrestle with you over a £5.

Madness.

The OP will bitterly regret the pure stupidity of this move if she agrees to it.

His meanness will know no bounds and her poor child will live with the consequences of her choices.

Secure housing is pure gold dust.

The OP needs to be thinking in terms of what exactly would she do when, not if, this goes tits up?

Don’t do it, don’t put yourself and your child in a vulnerable position, he doesn’t sound like he’s entering this new arrangement in the same spirit that you are. Right now, you are financially independent and supporting your child yourself. You have gotten yourself to a good place and you don’t need him financially but if you go ahead he would benefit financially from you while you are giving up your independence and risking your future. It wouldn’t be worth it to me with no safety net. He’s certainly looking after his interests so you have to do the same. Good luck

Don’t give up your housing for anything less than marriage and all the protection it brings.

If you split up and your teen is over 18 you will be nearly bottom of the pile for social housing. You will have to take whatever is offered, wherever that may be.

DH is careful, my mum always used to say he was tight. But he isn’t he just had a financial goal and doesn’t spend frivolously. Consequently we are mortgage free and I’m only 37.

We’ve always had separate finances because of different spending habits, and until we had kids we paid everything proportionally. Since kids I work part time, he pays all the bills. He has absolutely never taken money from me especially if he knew I was struggling. We’ve been together 19 years, it can work but I don’t think your DP is careful. He seems tight and mean with money which is a totally different kettle of fish.

I became resentful as I earned and he spent. I always paid for everything as I knew that if he did it went on his credit card. I knew I couldn't live long term with his different attitude to money

If you split up and your teen is over 18 you will be nearly bottom of the pile for social housing. You will have to take whatever is offered, wherever that may be

^ I would say that, actually, in many parts of uk you will not be offered ANY social housing in such circumstances, let alone a choice.

So yes it seems simply a case of making a choice (a) the protection of marriage or (b) single mindedly look after your own interests esp keeping your home or (c) be a romantic fool (not a good idea if you are older with a child).

But he sounds so mean and tight-fisted, it’s hard to see how a) and c) would work.

Undoubtedly the OP would be left homeless when the relationship fails.

The best she could hope for is a room lodging.

Your son will technically be an adult soon so would be really screwed too.

Don't expect to every see sovial housing again once you give what you have up.

You will live on eggshells as he can buy you out at any time if he forces you out.

You are handing over all your power and security to a mean tight man.

I bet he will expect you to be house skivvy too.

I definitely wouldn't be giving up my home for a half life with this miser.

His Olympic level penny pinching will kill the love.

And you'll be left with no home.

Crikey, no, OP.

Stick with your independence, don't give up your social housing. You can't really afford to buy a house. That's OK. There's more to life than becoming a home owner.

Don't give up your security to be with someone who is so stingy that he'll chase you for a tenner etc. It'll get worse when you live together, and then you'll be stuck.

I'm afraid I agree with lots of others OP. I would keep separate finances, separate houses unless you get married. You know he's tight as a ducksarse already- that may be over time what kills it

My friend had a similar situation. Her new partner bought the house and designated it 50/50 even though she paid in zilch and not did he ringfence the 50% of value he paid in. He said he knew she was vulnerable and that was his sign of commitment. If they split she gets £130,000 after mortgage paid off- more than plenty to get a private rental and pay bills for a very good while