Texting question

[nawsfckrlengrelgn]

If a person received a message asking 'how are you?' and their response was 'sorry, I meant to text you at the weekend but was busy' - how often would you think they were in contact usually?

But the issue isn't who she is. It doesn't matter who she is.

You don't trust your partner. Why are you focussing on her instead of dealing with the glaring issue in your relationship? What use will it do to find out exactly who she is? What difference will it make?

I would disagree with @Watchkeys about it not mattering who she is.

Not all secret communications are about affairs. Finding out exactly who this woman is will help to reveal the reason these messages started in the first place.

*But the issue isn't who she is. It doesn't matter who she is.

You don't trust your partner. Why are you focussing on her instead of
dealing with the glaring issue in your relationship? What use will it do
to find out exactly who she is? What difference will it make*

Not to be rude but we don't live in a vacuum, we make decisions and choices by the actions of others, where there was once certainty, changes can occur, op is trying to acertain wheter her assumptions are based in reality or whether her mind is working overtime.

No relationship on earth, whether it be romantic, work, family or whatever else is founded just on the basic fact of do you trust, do you not trust, it over simplifies things too much.

I don't trust you, therefore get rid, we may feel like this one day but another day our fears maybe dispelled.

Op, trust your gut, it sounds as though he may be lying about this woman, to what extent you will have to find out.

I hope it's not bad news.

Because he's in regular contact with another woman either EA or sexting or even a full on affair and he deletes the messages regularly as he doesn't want you to see them. Sorry there's no other explanation

Years ago I was involved in a support group which encouraged users to become peer supporters with one another, after the group meetings finished. A bit like AA, but not AA. If people 'clicked' with one another, it was suggested that they could swap phone numbers for weekly check-ins with one another. It was made clear that obviously the users' partners must be brought in to this system.

I always felt that this system made it a little 'cliquey' and had concerns that the partners may have been left to feel 'outsiders'. I also wondered if some people agreed to support a peer in the positivity of the moment, then when they went back to their ordinary lives, regretted having taken on the responsibility.

Deleted messages does not always mean EA, sexting, or affairs.

Deleted messages can sometimes mean shame and embarrassment and an inability to deal with unwanted contact.

'I've been meaning to text you' , is up alongside the ' the cheques in the post'. Its a platitude. It also means he's not text.
This is the problem about this part of mumsnet, unfortunately the people that have discovered it are mostly people that have been hurt in the past and come here for help. There's such a huge bias which then becomes normalised.

You wouldn't say "I've been meaning to text you" to someone who asked how you were who you haven't spoken to for two years.

You also wouldn't say that to someone you were in a secret relationship with though either, it's more the type of thing you'd say to a friend when you realise you've forgotten to text.

The deleted part is suss though, I wouldn't like that

Sounds like she might be someone he loosely knows and is being polite to, but he is keeping them at arm's length.

I used to have someone who knew me from some work training and would randomly text every 6 mths to ask how I was. I would reply minimally to be polite and also slip in mention of my partner at the same time, as my reading of it was they were likely hoping for a date or a hook up. I never said 'stop messaging me' because they didn't say anything overt to warrant that. So I was friendly but cool and would leave long gaps before replying to try to get the message across.

If you want to know who she is, just ask your DH.

If you have other reasons to suspect that this cool, arms length exchange is actually front for an affair, you need to talk to your DH and see what his reactions are.

Again not to be rude but Baileys, why do you come here, because it appears most of your posts involve trying to normalise shifty behaviour, why would you feel the need to gaslight hoards of people.

If op has concerns it has nothing to do with what others have been through, discarding others opinons because well they have been hurt in the past so are so world weary they are incapable of logic.

Please don't lump all mn users into people who have been hurt therefor have no sense of reasoning or brain capacity.

I do agree @baileys6904 I think sometimes we all need to step back a bit and look at these things objectively. It's not always worst case scenario thankfully (although very often it is sadly)

Good to know there's people like you here, who clearly know better than the rest of us...

Fair point @Cheminaufaules but I've been meaning to text you doesn't sound like that kind of thing. Sounds like he said he would text 'her' and forgot or was busy and is either fobbing her off or keeping her sweet.

I wonder if they bumped into each other in the pub or something and she said "oh we must stay in touch/go for a drink" or whatever and he agreed out of politeness, hence the strange response to her text?

Although that still doesn't explain the saying he doesn't know why she text.

@PiecesofFive the OP comes on here for opinions. Of course the bias of the audience has an effect on that.

And just because you say 'not to be rude' doesn't make it so. You are rude and I have just as much right to an opinion as anyone, even if it differs from yours.

The only people who ask me how I am over text would be my mum and my PT but even then the PT isn't that abrupt! With both my mum and my PT, they are texting that because they are in regular contact with me. My mum because, well, she wants to know how I am and it takes her ages to text. And my PT because it's part of the service to check up on my after training.
Friends simply don't say that over text. Oftentimes it'll be 'hey' or it's 'hi (name)' if there has been a long gap between texting.
Sounds like an odd way to start a chat. Maybe it's code.
The response sounds like they're in regular contact because he's saying sorry for not texting.

In the same token I think people who have been hurt should not have their opinions ignored.

You are of course entitled to an opinion. But when your opinion is a judgement of others present, you can't expect them not to comment on their own behalf.

Not ignored but opinions taken with a large side helping of salt

I think though that @baileys6904 has a point, I didn't read it in a derogatory way, I took it to mean that the op should try and not be swayed either way as the majority of people on here HAVE been hurt in one way or another, and therefore ARE naturally going to be more wary. Not every deleted text or unknown about friendship is sinister, some are, some aren't. I didn't think Baileys was saying she knew best either, it did however come across that she wasn't allowed to disagree with those saying the op should expect the worst. At the end of the day NONE of us know better than anyone else on here, all we can do is give our thoughts and opinions and help the op gather her own thoughts.

the majority of people on here HAVE been hurt in one way or another

The majority of people in general have been hurt in one way or the other. Do we have any info about what proportion of MN posters 'have been hurt', or are we just wildly guessing, and advising people how to form opinions based on those wild guesses?

Yes. And in a healthy relationship this wouldn't need to be 'deduced', because in a healthy relationship, you ask your partner if you're not sure about something, and then you believe their answer.

Finding out who she is will indeed help to reveal the reason for the texts, but it won't deal with the problem, which exists regardless of whether she's his lover, his colleague, his dog's vet: OP doesn't trust her partner.

@Watchkeys why so defensive then? Are we really only allowed to hold the same opinions as you? You can try and be snipey with me if it makes you feel better, but sorry....my point still stands, noone should be made to feel they can't voice a different opinion, it is after all done with the best of intentions to help the op see what may or may not be happening

If he said he meant to text her at the weekend then he must know what he was going to text her about. Mind you he doesn't seem overly invested if he didn't bother to in the end, maybe he's just being polite but is aware she's keen/emotionally attached and is just uncomfortable about it all without there really being anything on his side. On the other hand maybe it was going somewhere 6 months ago and has now fizzled out for some reason.

I would just tell him how you're feeling. Tell him what you've noticed and tell him it's making you uncomfortable and see what he says.

Are we really only allowed to hold the same opinions as you

It's a forum. You have an opinion. I have an opinion. We are allowed to disagree, and it seems we do. Lets leave it there.