AIBU About Not Letting DH have Sex?

[Coolquip]

First thread, so apologies in advance.

To cut a long story short, I was sexually abused by an older relative from a very early age and blocked it out. I was then date raped at 18 when I couldn't give consent and have come to the conclusion I have PTSD.

This has resulted in my adult relationships starting off where sexually I am the woman of their dreams as I go out of my way to please. Then as time goes on I resent my partner as I hate myself for "giving in" and because I am trying to reassert my freedom to choose.

I am doing EMDR to help my PTSD and I am trying to break the behaviours that are a result of being groomed from an early age. I have managed to complete a nursing degree and that in itself I couldn't have done 2 years ago.

I have been married to DH for 5 years and been together for 7. Our sex life is non existent and started off in his words brilliantly. He knows about my past and he just wants things to go back to how they were.

I don't. I know feel that I have come from a place of having no self respect to having some. I want my wishes and feelings respected. He thinks I bring it all back to what I want.

So question is AIBU to not want to just have sex on his terms or I am I making it about myself?

What do you want long term? To never have sex with your husband again? Occasionally? Would you be open to him having sex with other women?

From what you’ve written you are behaving unreasonably towards your DH. I don’t think you can expect him to agree with a sexless marriage.

That doesn’t mean you are unreasonable to want to set your own terms in a sexual relationship, or that you’re being unreasonable in abstaining from sex.

But your DH has a reasonable expectation that marriage includes a sexual relationship as well as other forms of bonding and partnership. To wish to dictate entirely on your terms - with no compromise or consideration of his needs - is unreasonable. It’s not much of a relationship is it? Relationships usually involve a bit of give and take, to and fro.

You may need to “set him free” as it were, and probably steer clear of relationships with men until you have recovered more thoroughly from such awful childhood experiences.

I want to feeI validated by being asked what I want. I want trust and respect. I think this would be a good base to have a good sex life.

Tried an open relationship with him in the past where he used escorts. It just makes me feel empty like I am nothing.

He doesn't sound like a good, respectful man. Men who use escorts are complicit in abuse - different to that you experienced but abuse nonetheless. He should be supporting your progress, not focusing on his dick.

Maybe part of your healing will be leaving this awful man too.

honestly he sounds dreadful and unsupportive. Do you want to be with him at all?

Maybe together you need to see an experienced Councellor (with a specialism in this area) who can help the both of you find a way forward.
Its not unreasonable for you DH to want sex in a marriage. Equally you need to find a way forward.
Do you find you DH desirable?
i hope you can find a way forward together.
I have huge sympathy for you. It must be hard for your DH to be in a sexless marriage when he doesn’t want one. For men sex can also be about bonding and closeness and showing love

Thisbis the problem I am having. I need to find a balance between our needs. I think I just needed to hear others thoughts.

Question is, do you actually want to have sex (in general I mean)? Is it just about the control and dignity etc, rather than not wanting to have any sex?

If so, how about scheduling sex? Pick, for example, one day of the week at a particular time (or rough time e.g. after dinner/after kids bedtime etc) and decide that that's when you want to do it. You can even set a calendar reminder on your phone with a code word or emoji 😁 It's not a binding contract - if you're not in the mood, you can always cancel or reschedule - but it means that as you get closer to that time of day on that day of the week, you can start thinking about it, start to get yourself in the mood, and maybe even look forward to it. It might make it feel like you're doing it on your own terms and not that he's making advances that you feel like you have to reject. You can then initiate when you're ready, but in a way, no-one has to initiate as such, other than just a simple 'shall we?'

It might not work but it's one approach that works for some people. I know it doesn't sound very romantic!

Think I might suggest that and then look at the counselling.

I don't think you're going to find what you're looking for from this man. Anyone that sleeps with escorts gives me the ick anyway. How can you have trust and respect with someone who did that because you were trying to sort out being sexually abused? I understand he might not want to wait forever but really he could have just used his hand in the mean time. Can you really get past that? I think you'd be better off splitting up and working on yourself without any pressure from him.

Trust, respect and being asked what you want.
Was any of that missing when you were having sex with your H?
I think if you break it down to what it actually means practically for him - you may have a shot at fixing the relationship.
For example - does it mean certain positions and ways you want it to happen?
Does it mean certain timing or frequency?

As to the way your open relationship went on - I presume you both discussed it and use of escorts was something you both agreed to, possibly thinking that this way there is no chance of emotional involvement. Not sure it’s fair to now blame him for doing something you two decided to do.

Op I am a survivor of sexual abuse also, and I relate to your experience.. my sex life now is completely different to before I started a healing journey. For a long time I couldn't have sex with my partner, then when I did (because I wanted to) I always cried afterwards. I have to be absolutely in control now. My partner hasn't always been understanding or tactful, but I've never felt under pressure from him to have sex. I just wanted to reassure you that what you're going through is a v normal part of the healing and recovery process. whilst your partner is not wrong for wanting sex, I'm not comfortable with the sense of entitlement he sounds like he might have around it.

I think women become less sexually amenable over the course of a long relationship as infatuation and lust morph into something hopefully more mature and durable. In my own marriage that has been at times mildly disappointing, but I can see this as a reasonable objection to my usually fleeting and often unreasonable enthusiasms.
It sounds like you OP might be at a stage in your relationship, or perhaps your life, where you are having a moment of clarity as to your own expectations, particularly in light of your past traumas.
What speaks to me of a more serious issue is that your husband is not taking these past traumas into very serious account.
The complete lack of sex is also clearly an issue for him. I don’t know if you clarified whether this is because you are no longer attracted to him in that way?
I’ll also add that him using prostitutes is, well, I don’t get it. I know men use prostitutes, but personally I really don’t get it, and I know a lot of men who don’t get it either. It seems a really, really odd way of circumventing marital problems.

i came on here because i thought the 'letting my dh have sex' was a strange way to talk about sex. As if you don't want it, and it is something to be done or given to another person semi reluctantly. I'm so sorry that your chilldhood experiences were abusive. I hope you are proud of how far you have come in processing that, and wanting to be in a relationship that is not based on allowing your partner to dictate your sexual relationship.

When people talk about give and take, they may mean from a position of equality, where two people enter the sexual relationship on equal terms, and negotiate that ongoing, and on equal terms. When you enter relationships with a history of abuse, it's rare to be in that position. Even with no history of abuse, equality in or out of the bedroom is rare...

i dont' think it's at all unreasonable to renegotiate the terms of your relationship with your husband. But it sounds like they started in a way which was about you ignoring your needs. Often when people become more clear and want to change patterns, it's hard to do this in the relationship they are in. Is your partner 'with you' on this journey, does he love you in a way that puts your needs front and centre? If so, you may be able to do it together. If not, you may have to reconsider what is possible within this relationship, and if its right for you. He might be doing the same, but to be honest, with a history of abuse, it can be difficult to choose respectful partners, and you may find that he wouldn't be your choice right now if you were starting off. Does he respect you? Does he consider your needs? Do you feel 'safe' to do the work with him alongside you? It doesnt sound great from what you have said. You deserve better. You may or may not get it, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with someone you chose at a time when your choices were more limited by your past.

If you don't want to have sex but are throwing up all sorts of smoke screens implying one day it will resume if DH conforms to a list of demands, let him go. It sounds deceitful. You have little chance of healing in a relationship that is already rocky

It’s good you’re working through your negative past experiences but if you don’t ever want to have sex with your husband again you need to clearly tell him that and accept his decision to want a different life and get divorced. You can’t blame him for what other men did to you, he’s not them, and it’s unreasonable to expect him to stay unwillingly celibate - not least if you led him to believe you felt a certain way about sex and changed your mind once he married you.

Your marriage is over, let it be over.

Genuine sympathy for anyone struggling with a background of abuse and don’t want to comment on the particulars of individuals posting here. A relationship with a person in this situation is a big deal - entering in to it knowingly and understanding at least to some extent what may be required of you is important. If it’s too hard to share, then a deep relationship should not be on the table. How can it be established with such a major factor going unaddressed? This is another persons life and potentially a lifetime commitment.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was ok with using escorts

I also don't understand why your feelings haven't been respected from the start?

It all sounds a bit like your oh is abusing you.

I think you have two issues here.

The first is your past and needing to deal with it, which will take time and be hard to come to terms with.

The second is a husband who cares more about sticking his dick into a woman than the woman he is sticking his dick into. Could be you who doesnt want to, could be a woman who's consent he has to pay for, could a woman who is pissed and says yes (or maybe just doesnt say no) when he is horny......you will say he hasnt done that but a) how do you know? and b) why wouldnt he when he is so focussed on him and his desires?

Leave the appallingly selfish husband and it will help you with your therapy becuase you wont have these two things at odds in your head. You will be able to focus on you 100% and thats what you need to do.

Take care xx

“as time goes on I resent my partner as I hate myself for "giving in" and because I am trying to reassert my freedom to choose.”

Your freedom to choose whether or not you want to have sex with your husband on any given day or time is a basic human right. Please never forget this.

“Our sex life is non existent and started off in his words brilliantly. He knows about my past and he just wants things to go back to how they were.”

How grim that he wants things to go back to when you were having sex with him out of a trauma reaction, rather than cheering you on to a future when you have sex with him out of freedom of choice.

“I know feel that I have come from a place of having no self respect to having some. I want my wishes and feelings respected."

You have self respect and want your wishes and feelings to be respected. That sounds perfectly normal and healthy (and massive, massive kudos to you for getting to this point!). Most women need to feel that their wishes and feelings are respected before they feel like having sex – it’s not a big ask, in fact it should be the bare minimum for anybody in any relationship.

"He thinks I bring it all back to what I want.”

So what? You are allowed to bring it back to what you want. If one person wants sex tonight and the other doesn't, the ONLY ethical result is that it comes down to what the one who doesn't want it, wants. Sex requires enthusiastic consent from both parties. If one has stopped saying an enthusiastic yes, then the only reasonable way forward is for the sex and pressure to have it to stop, and the enthusiastic partner should turn their efforts towards understanding why the other has lost enthusiasm, and do their best to support them and to provide what they need. In this case your consent was likely based in trauma survival mode, rather than a true enthusiastic consent, and it is perfectly reasonable to say no a LOT more when you start building healthy self esteem and boundaries. If he is a decent and loving partner your desire will return in time, and the sex will be a thousand times better as a result.

Have you seen the tea and consent video?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-34656527

It’s healthy and normal for you to want your wishes and feelings to be respected in your marriage, particularly when it comes to sex, and even more so with a trauma history. What you want is perfectly reasonable. He sounds like he’s sulking because he wants sex without having to put in any of the basics that go towards a woman feeling safe and loved enough to want to have sex. Another way of putting it is that he appears to want to have sex with you, even when he knows that you’re not feeling in the mood for it. Would he rather you just shut up and put up with it than him have to make the effort to find out what he needs to give to you so that you feel safe and supported enough to feel desire for him? If so, that's pretty grim of him.

“So question is AIBU to not want to just have sex on his terms or I am I making it about myself?”

Nobody should be having sex on one person’s terms. Your terms have changed – you’ve done some healing and have come to the extremely reasonable conclusion that you deserve a choice, respect and dignity before you decide you’d like to have sex with your husband, A decent partner would be absolutely fucking delighted that your self esteem has become so healthy and that you are healing, and getting to a point where when you agree to have sex it is a full bodied “HECK YES I REALLY WANT YOU!!!” … and not compliance in trauma response.

Heck, even the prostitutes he has slept with didn’t have sex all on his terms. They had prices, and (hopefully) behavioural standards that clients had to keep to, agreement on what they would and would not do. (I think him going ahead and having sex with prostitutes is an awful thing by the way, and it doesn’t matter if you suggested or agreed to it, a man who is willing to sleep with a prostitute is one with a massive red flag over his head over how he feels about women.)

Keep going with the EMDR and the therapy, you sound like you are doing absolutely brilliantly!

You are not unreasonable to want to feel respected and to have the freedom to choose whether or not to have sex.

To those concentrating on the fact that if she never wants sex with her husband again she must tell him - the OP is actively healing from sex trauma (and doing AMAZINGLY well). She is on a journey to discover what she wants, and that journey will take the time that it takes. What it doesn't need is pressure from strangers on the internet for her to make a decision about how she will feel in the future right now. People in active healing change their minds. That's healthy and normal.

It is absolutely normal to say no more, MUCH more when you first start really discovering your boundaries. We see it all the time in animals who are recovering from abusive homes, as well as in adults and children too. OP will most likely get around to her yes in time, and when it happens lucky her and lucky her partner, because it will start to be the most delightful full bodied yes that she has ever known. The sex will likely be 100 x more amazing as a result.

What people who are recovering from trauma and learning to express and honour their consent need is time, and support. The OP's husband may or may not provide that. But for goodness sake let's not be anything other than supportive of her healing here. She is doing truly amazingly good healing here.

She’s having therapy, they’re the professionals she’s working with. She also asked randoms on the internet for advice and that’s what people are offering. Including what’s fair on reasonable on her husband’s behalf.

OP if your husband has used prostituted women then he doesn’t care about full sexual consent. He paid another human being and used their body to have sex in.

I don’t think you can find the trust you seek with someone like that.

Whats fair and reasonable is that a husband supports a severely traumatised wife, not put her under immense pressure to give him sex she doesnt want to have with the threat that he will go out and pay a prostitute if she doesnt.

That is abuse. And I worry that the OP has married a sexual abuser because that is all she has learned, which is why I feel that getting away from him is the only way her therapy has any chance of succeeding.