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Original poster

AIBU About Not Letting DH have Sex?

52 replies

Coolquip · 21/08/2022 20:23

First thread, so apologies in advance.

To cut a long story short, I was sexually abused by an older relative from a very early age and blocked it out. I was then date raped at 18 when I couldn't give consent and have come to the conclusion I have PTSD.

This has resulted in my adult relationships starting off where sexually I am the woman of their dreams as I go out of my way to please. Then as time goes on I resent my partner as I hate myself for "giving in" and because I am trying to reassert my freedom to choose.

I am doing EMDR to help my PTSD and I am trying to break the behaviours that are a result of being groomed from an early age. I have managed to complete a nursing degree and that in itself I couldn't have done 2 years ago.

I have been married to DH for 5 years and been together for 7. Our sex life is non existent and started off in his words brilliantly. He knows about my past and he just wants things to go back to how they were.

I don't. I know feel that I have come from a place of having no self respect to having some. I want my wishes and feelings respected. He thinks I bring it all back to what I want.

So question is AIBU to not want to just have sex on his terms or I am I making it about myself?

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 21/08/2022 23:23

You absolutely should not have sex that you do not want. You also should not expect your husband to exist in a sexless marriage.

You tried open relationship and that didn't work out. So either he commits to therapy with you to go forward together or maybe you need to separate while you work on your issues. You may reconcile later. Or he may find someone else or one or the other of you may decide the marriage isn't ever going to work and separation becomes permanent.

Definitelynotem · 21/08/2022 23:28

I’m with you on this all the way OP. From the sounds of it you’re not saying you’ll never have sex again, you’re just redefining how it looks on your terms and what that means for you, which sounds healthy. So long as you can keep talking about it and moving towards recovery I don’t see why he should have an issue. Sex is a big factor in a relationship and there are plenty of other reasons a person may not be able to have sex for a period of time, it should never be an entitlement. The sleeping with escorts just sounds vile, he should be ashamed.

OldFan · 22/08/2022 00:44

EMDR is great @Coolquip x

I don't. I know feel that I have come from a place of having no self respect to having some. I want my wishes and feelings respected. He thinks I bring it all back to what I want.

The whole idea of 'letting someone have sex' is grim. I had an ex who would pretty much phrase it like that/know it was like that. He'd say 'I'll only be 5 minutes.' Envy

I think you're completely right about your feelings about it- don't have sex when you don't want it. With your background that's even more important.

Your husband is trying to coerce/manipulate you into having sex when you don't want it. Envy Gross.

OldFan · 22/08/2022 00:47

ried an open relationship with him in the past where he used escorts.

That's disgusting, he sounds awful @Coolquip .

I think you've ended up with another sexually manipulative/abusive man. Sad

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 01:19

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2022 23:02

Whats fair and reasonable is that a husband supports a severely traumatised wife, not put her under immense pressure to give him sex she doesnt want to have with the threat that he will go out and pay a prostitute if she doesnt.

That is abuse. And I worry that the OP has married a sexual abuser because that is all she has learned, which is why I feel that getting away from him is the only way her therapy has any chance of succeeding.

It's not men's job to fix women. Sorry, my mistake, it's the other way around.

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/08/2022 09:42

If this was reversed, as in

I married my DH x years ago and he was the most wonderful man, loving and kind and we had a wonderful sex life. Over the years he has become cold and distant and sex non existent. Initiating sex is rebuffed. At one point I was so lonely I had affairs. He has complete accepted they were because of his behaviour and forgiven me. He has told me a little about his severe childhood abuse and is having treatment, however the coldness and lack of intimacy persists. His treatment is getting nowhere and I have endured this for 5 years. I'm desperate and can't cope with him.

We would all be saying, get out, you can't change him and deserve a better life.

Instead the poor old DH is vilified. Double standards as usual.

Topgub · 22/08/2022 09:59

@hewouldwouldnthe

Yeah you missed out the bit about the oh using escorts and it being heavily implied she was coerced into sex she didn't want

LuftBalloons · 22/08/2022 10:00

Tried an open relationship with him in the past where he used escorts. It just makes me feel empty like I am nothing.

That’s quite the drip feed. Is his approach to sex “normal” ? That is, a mutual negotiation and the seeking by each of the other’s “enthusiastic consent”?

What is it you want to work towards? Do you still find him attractive? I must say, knowing a man had used prostituted women in the past would put me right off him.

No need to answer these questions here, but they’re probably the things he and you need to discuss.

If you want to continue the marriage that is. And that’s a big if.

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/08/2022 10:01

Topgub · 22/08/2022 09:59

@hewouldwouldnthe

Yeah you missed out the bit about the oh using escorts and it being heavily implied she was coerced into sex she didn't want

OP doesn't say she was coerced into sex. I said in my reverse, she had affairs to even things up. Escorts and affairs are equally unacceptable

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/08/2022 10:02

They need to separate for both their sakes. End of

saraclara · 22/08/2022 10:08

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/08/2022 09:42

If this was reversed, as in

I married my DH x years ago and he was the most wonderful man, loving and kind and we had a wonderful sex life. Over the years he has become cold and distant and sex non existent. Initiating sex is rebuffed. At one point I was so lonely I had affairs. He has complete accepted they were because of his behaviour and forgiven me. He has told me a little about his severe childhood abuse and is having treatment, however the coldness and lack of intimacy persists. His treatment is getting nowhere and I have endured this for 5 years. I'm desperate and can't cope with him.

We would all be saying, get out, you can't change him and deserve a better life.

Instead the poor old DH is vilified. Double standards as usual.

That. Even more so because it seems that OP agreed to the open marriage bit, yet here he's being vilified for that, too.

I honestly suspect that OP has no interred in ever having sex again. Which is understandable. But giving the impression that if he jumps through her particular hoops and accepts not having sex for however long it takes, is unfair.in that case.

This relationship needs to end.

saraclara · 22/08/2022 10:08

Interest, not interred!

Topgub · 22/08/2022 10:08

@hewouldwouldnthe

Its implied. She wants sex she asked for or similar wording

And no, using escorts and having an affair are not the same.

One involves a consenting partner and one doesn't

Topgub · 22/08/2022 10:09

@saraclara

He isn't being vilified for an open relationship.

He's being rightly vilified for using escorts

Cheeriyo · 22/08/2022 10:13

Firstly respect to you for recognising your patterns or behaviour and engaging with support to try and overcome them, that takes a lot of bravery and so that's amazing.

Personally though it sounds like this relationship is done. The work you've done on yourself since starting hopefully means next time you'll enter a relationship as you are, and with no feeling that you need to please men and then resent them for your decisions. You deserve to be treated with respect, but I think this is a bit of a mess. Him using escorts is grim as fuck too.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 22/08/2022 12:33

@hewouldwouldnthe

If this was reversed, as in

I married my DH x years ago and he was the most wonderful man, loving and kind and we had a wonderful sex life. Over the years he has become cold and distant and sex non existent. Initiating sex is rebuffed. At one point I was so lonely I had affairs. He has complete accepted they were because of his behaviour and forgiven me. He has told me a little about his severe childhood abuse and is having treatment, however the coldness and lack of intimacy persists. His treatment is getting nowhere and I have endured this for 5 years. I'm desperate and can't cope with him.

We would all be saying, get out, you can't change him and deserve a better life.
Instead the poor old DH is vilified. Double standards as usual.

No, it's mor accurate to compare it to:

I married my DH 5 years ago and he was and still is the most wonderful man. We used to have sex all the time, but since he started therapy 2 years ago (for sexual trauma from his childhood and rape when he was a young adult) he's changed, and he's not letting me shag him whenever I want it like we used to. Instead he's saying he needs to feel respected to feel horny, and I don't know how to do that and am not particularly interested in learning how. I used to ask for sex and he gave it to me whether he wanted it or not, why can't I just have that back? I have been complaining to him that I need sex so he reluctantly agreed to me paying a male prostitute for sex, then after I'd done it he complained that me shagging a prostitute made him feel like shit. I don't care what he feels like or about the fact that he's addressing his trauma history and showing huge improvements (he did admittedly get a new job recently that he wouldn't have got 2 years ago so I guess the therapy is doing something), all I want is sex on tap back the way I used to be able to get it. AIBU?

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/08/2022 15:44

Topgub · 22/08/2022 10:08

@hewouldwouldnthe

Its implied. She wants sex she asked for or similar wording

And no, using escorts and having an affair are not the same.

One involves a consenting partner and one doesn't

You need to check out mumsnet AMA. A fully consenting and happy escort will maybe change your mind.

Not saying prostitution is right, of course it isn't but I think some do consent willingly. We don't know how many or who the H went with, but imo affairs and escorts are the same. Both a betrayal of the partner, thats my focus.

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 15:58

In a way an affair is much worse as there's emotion involved. With an escort it's purely physical, a transactional hour and no connection later.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/08/2022 16:04

I think it might do you good to have time on your own and be independent and not have this stress hanging over you if he keeps pressurizing you but also sex is a large part of any loving relationship and does bring a couple closer but due to your horrific past experiences has made this very difficult for you. Look after yourself and talk to your counsellor about this and make the changes that you need for you to be at ease in yourself and life. As for husband/partner uses escorts that is gross and would not be with a man who paid for it.

saraclara · 22/08/2022 16:52

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 15:58

In a way an affair is much worse as there's emotion involved. With an escort it's purely physical, a transactional hour and no connection later.

Yep. If I didn't want sex for the foreseeable future, but still loved my DH felt it fair to let him get it elsewhere, I'd FAR rather he went to escorts* than shagged someone that he might develop feelings for.

*hopefully there's a means of finding those that are relatively safe and not trafficked etc.

Topgub · 22/08/2022 16:52

@hewouldwouldnthe

Just becayse some women think they're fully happy and consenting to being escorts, doesn't make using one ok.

There is no way to tell which escorts is consenting and which is trafficked.

So anyone using one is willing to risk rape.

Thats not a decent person with a healthy attitude to sex.

I'd also argue even those who are 'happy' aren't giving true consenting because their consent is bought. They wouldn't have sex with the punter for free

Topgub · 22/08/2022 16:53

Fucksake

Yeah.

Your feelings of not being betrayed are so much more important than some poor girl being raped for money.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 22/08/2022 17:38

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/08/2022 09:42

If this was reversed, as in

I married my DH x years ago and he was the most wonderful man, loving and kind and we had a wonderful sex life. Over the years he has become cold and distant and sex non existent. Initiating sex is rebuffed. At one point I was so lonely I had affairs. He has complete accepted they were because of his behaviour and forgiven me. He has told me a little about his severe childhood abuse and is having treatment, however the coldness and lack of intimacy persists. His treatment is getting nowhere and I have endured this for 5 years. I'm desperate and can't cope with him.

We would all be saying, get out, you can't change him and deserve a better life.

Instead the poor old DH is vilified. Double standards as usual.

That is not a 'reverse'. It is a distortion. And there is a very big difference.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/08/2022 18:51

So if he doesn't coerce a pretence of enthusiastic consent from one abused woman, he thinks it's perfectly OK to coerce a pretence of enthusiastic consent from other abused women? And if the first abused woman isn't keen on him abusing other women, she's expected to continue to be abused for fear of him leaving?

Ugh.

The only difference between him and the men responsible for your earlier traumas is that you're older. Nothing else.

OldFan · 23/08/2022 03:15

@Coolquip I've been involved with some men like this in the past. I then spent several years happily by myself so there was no one pestering me for sex if I wasn't in the mood. Now I'm ready to date again but am looking for men with very strong values - no sex before marriage so as to put off sleazeballs etc. Some time to yourself free of someone wanting sex when you don't, will be even better for you as you've got therapy to deal with. X