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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This women is obsessed with me and my life ! I'm terrified.

79 replies

prettyflipflops · 21/08/2022 16:07

NC
I'm absolutely boiling over with rage and emotion right now!
My ex husband had an affair with OW and we consequently divorced. OW is from a very poor part of the world and was keen to meet a western man (yes, one of those stories and yes, she did immediately get pregnant and yes, she wanted to be very involved in our financial resolution after 28 years of marriage...).
Anyway for the last 5 years, she was been living a very nice life with my ex and has lived all over the world. During that time, she has been completely obsessed with me despite her seemingly having won the jackpot. She's cyber bullied me, sent vile emails, rung me, superimposed photos of me onto pigs etc and generally broke me so much that my hair dropped out and I was very ill for a long time. The abuse was horrific. She apparently is never settled or happy and they have moved from New Zealand to Paris, to the US and then to the UK (about 2 hours away from me).
My 3 kids are adults and ex husband has had very little to do with them over the last few years and they pretty much just see him as a distant uncle.
NOW... I hear they are moving less than 2 miles down my road !!! EX has told one of our kids that it's 'to see them more' which i know is complete and utter rubbish.
My issue is that I'm well known in this area and work very hard in my job which has earnt me a good reputation and I'm terrified that she is going to try and fuck up the life I've spent so hard to rebuild for myself and the kids.
I cannot help feeling really creeped out by this news and a little scared.
What would you do?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/08/2022 17:16

Hopefully you have enough evidence to get a restraining order, why on earth would they move so close to you!

LuftBalloons · 21/08/2022 17:27

Document, document, document. Most harassment & bullying is comprised of lots of small apparently trivial acts. But when you put them together, you can prove a pattern of harassment.

Good luck - you sound well rid of the DH (Dick Head).

Bangarang · 21/08/2022 17:40

I'd use the evidence and fact that she's now moving two minutes away to get a restraining order. What a fruitloop.

Hopeandlove · 21/08/2022 17:45

prettyflipflops · 21/08/2022 16:22

I have fortunately kept most of the evidence and also told police friends. In fact, many people know my story as it's so bizarre.
I just feel sick that I'm going to have to keep looking over my shoulder in an area which I call home and feel safe in.
I'm seriously triggered by the news I've heard today and I'm not sure I can take the drama again.

Preempt it now - get all the evidence and if your children are adult you seek a non molestation order against them both - you can file it yourself but I would seek to have one in place asap. Get your solicitor to do it and send advance copies to them both with copies of previous emails and evidence and say that it has all been logged with the police they are not to contact you and get a non mol saying not to come within 500 m and that any correspondence will have immediate action taken. Shut down your privacy connections so they can’t see your friend lists etc ring doorbell if not already. Just disengage

forrestgreen · 21/08/2022 18:15

Yep you need to get ahead of the game. I'd also tell friends you're really worried as x&y so the gossip mill will be aware

Sandra1984 · 21/08/2022 18:22

prettyflipflops · 21/08/2022 16:31

I don't think she will come to my house but my worry is that I'll be bumping into her at my local shops and she's a nutter.
Another example of her weirdness is that she and the ex broke up for a few months and ex dated another woman before getting back with nutter. Nutter then got pregnant and named her child the same name as the lover the ex had has for a few months??! Is that not just the strangest behaviour?

Are you for real? The woman is a bunny boiler, same as your ex for putting up with her. I would document ALL. If you ever bump into her and she tries to harass record the encounter with your phone. You might need to file harassment charges against her. What a nutter.

Agadoodoododont · 21/08/2022 18:54

prettyflipflops · 21/08/2022 16:31

I don't think she will come to my house but my worry is that I'll be bumping into her at my local shops and she's a nutter.
Another example of her weirdness is that she and the ex broke up for a few months and ex dated another woman before getting back with nutter. Nutter then got pregnant and named her child the same name as the lover the ex had has for a few months??! Is that not just the strangest behaviour?

That is totally weird.
Goid you’ve kept all the evidence of her past behaviour, she does indeed sound unhinged and I’d assume this move is her idea.
Could your children have a word with their dad and say it would be better if they are going to move to live in x or y town ( both further from you?)

And definitely take everything to the police.
I really feel for you. If my ex ( he didn’t marry again but was also batshit mad) had tried to move within a 50 mile radius of me I’d have been terrified.

StarCourt · 21/08/2022 20:00

Def try for a restraining order if it's possible, is there anyone in your family could speak to the ex for you and firmly suggest moving elsewhere?

ThePumpkinPatch · 21/08/2022 20:07

You can't report her to the police for moving house?

Unless she has harassed you very recently (within the last week) then the Police won't be interested until she does something

Justasec321 · 21/08/2022 20:14

While I agree with others about going to the police it seems to me very important that you not slide or be dragged into a way of thinking that is centered around them/her.

Be very aware of the amount of headspace you grant them once you settle after the shock.

Starting with the police now is a very good idea as - if she starts turning up in your gym/yoga class etc you might be able to get a restraining order quickly.

what a HORRIBLE thing to have to deal with. I hope for fortitude op. How is your ex in all of this?

curlymom · 21/08/2022 20:45

That’s awful, you have been through so much. I’m actually annoyed that your ex allows her to get away with this! You were married a long time and you are the mother of his children. I think at this stage you will have to let her do something to incriminate herself. You can’t report her for moving closer. I would blank her in the street or supermarket. She’s nothing to you. Still annoying. The worlds a big place why your doorstep!?

TooHotToTangoToo · 21/08/2022 20:48

Absolutely report all this to the police about

Jewel7 · 21/08/2022 21:34

I would go back to the police. Get a restraining order. Tell them how unsafe you feel.

Yabado · 21/08/2022 21:52

It’s not a restraining order you need .
you would need to apply for a civil injunction / non molestation order

look up this law
Under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997,
if someone is harassed, intimidated, verbally abused or threatened, they can apply to the County Court for a Civil Injunction Order against the perpetrator.

it’s pretty much the same as a restraining order but done through the county court as no criminal conviction is required .

A restraining order are only given at the end of a criminal trial . So although they are very similar they aren’t exactly the same .

Having just been through this over the last 2.5 years and successfully got a restraining order changed at the crown court to include distance so that the person can never come within 100 meters of my street or myself until it’s changed in the crown court - which will never happen its not easy and much easier to get when the person has a conviction which was the the case for me

I went direct to the original court to get a variation of the original order

i think you can get the forms and apply yourself for free
or a solicitor can do if for you but a solicitor will charge you £££

you will need plenty of evidence to get it as well .

So log everything with the police you can ask them not to speak to her as it will cause you problems but you will have it logged as evidence for when you need it

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/08/2022 22:09

@Yabado always wondered the difference between a restraining order and non-molestation. Thanks for explaining

SequinsandStilettos · 21/08/2022 22:17

Blimey. I'd be moving. Kids told address but not to share, social media privacy levels on max and gone like donkey kong.

badbaduncle · 21/08/2022 22:19

prettyflipflops · 21/08/2022 16:31

I don't think she will come to my house but my worry is that I'll be bumping into her at my local shops and she's a nutter.
Another example of her weirdness is that she and the ex broke up for a few months and ex dated another woman before getting back with nutter. Nutter then got pregnant and named her child the same name as the lover the ex had has for a few months??! Is that not just the strangest behaviour?

No that is not strange, it is pure sociopathy. She is punishing him with a constant reminder of his 'infidelity' every time he sees his own daughter. She has arranged a life long punishment for his crime. And she also can dangle it 'DD, one day I will tell you about Daddy's friend you are named after" pointedly mentioned when he dares to not toe the line. More fool the stupid old man. Get your children together and discuss this as a family.
My F remarried a lunatic and we have a strong sibling policy that protects us and DM from her madness. It also actually protects my Dad as she is quite nervous of 'being exposed' now we have made our positions extremely clear.
Be strong OP and get your DC on side - tell them you are afraid and want their support.

badbaduncle · 21/08/2022 22:21

I would also bet that she is moving back because the relationship is on the rocks. By showing your ex what he gave up or lost for her is a harsh reminder of how expensive she was for him, and it will mesh him into the relationship further as he cannot lose face by admitting the relationship is a failure.
Read about female sociopaths - this is classic behaviour thb

bellac11 · 21/08/2022 22:23

Do you know if the woman who your ex had the affair with is also being stalked by her, might be worth joining up with her

CandyLeBonBon · 21/08/2022 22:25

How long has this been going on Op?

Sandcastlesinthesky · 21/08/2022 22:31

The poor child that she’s pregnant with! It’s being used to torment the husband with. She must be insane.

Tistheseason17 · 21/08/2022 22:44

Hope you get a restraining order.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 21/08/2022 23:02

This is utterly bat shit, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation op. Also, your husband is equally bat shit for staying with her AND not doing anything about her batshittery.

JustKittenAround · 22/08/2022 04:05

PaddleBoardingMomma · 21/08/2022 23:02

This is utterly bat shit, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation op. Also, your husband is equally bat shit for staying with her AND not doing anything about her batshittery.

Agree. He is allowing this. He is worse than her for it, he might even be fueling it. There is no reason she should care about you now but he might bring you up to stoke her jealousy…..

THEY are obviously mentally unhinged.

Twinsmummy1812 · 22/08/2022 04:49

are your children aware of what she put you through before? Perhaps they could speak to their father and advise him not to move too close because of the nut job’s past behaviour being repeated. If they make it clear to him that they will support a non-molestation order he might think twice about moving too nearby?

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