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Original poster

She didn't know she was the OW- really?

73 replies

PawsAndReflection · 21/08/2022 02:07

I want to preface this with the fact that I absolutely do not condone the affair, and it has fundamentally changed our friendship to the point that I don't know if we can continue to be in each other's lives. That's not in question in the slightest.

A very close friend I has was in a relationship with a married man from 2017 to 2021, at which point she broke it off. He had been married for 10 years, with two children, and is very much the 'lad' type- obsessed with the gym, going out etc. My friend is 32 now (27 when they met) and he is 47.

As far as she's told me, and I appreciate she may not be 100% truthful about all aspects of this relationship, he had given the impression that him and his wife were separated when they met and she didn't find out the truth until 2020 at which point they took a 6 month break. They only resumed after his friends 'confirmed' he'd told his wife and they'd started with divorce proceedings.

They broke up because (among other things) he had gradually come more and more controlling, and she decided she wanted time on her own. She's since met a wonderful man who knows all
of this and hasn't spoken to MM (married man) since breaking it off.

Last weekend she discovered he was 1) still married and 2) his wife had no idea of the entire debacle. She found out because MM had been drunkenly texting her and she saw his profile picture on WhatsApp was a wedding shot.

I was with her at the time and told her just to block and delete but she took it upon herself to message his wife and tell her everything. Screenshots, photos, emails. The whole caboodle.

I can't decide if what she's done is right- I feel at my core that it is but there's a part of me that thinks she must have known! The wife has been in touch a lot asking for details, which my friend has provided.

I just don't know if she's better off cutting this whole situation off. And if I'm being an idiot for even believing this.

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 21/08/2022 02:13

You've posted this twice.

Bellyups · 21/08/2022 02:20

Why are you posting the same thing again with a different title?

Original poster
PawsAndReflection · 21/08/2022 02:21

I wasn't sure which forum is best, is that against the rules? Really sorry if so.

OP posts:
Original poster
PawsAndReflection · 21/08/2022 02:34

And just to be clear, the reason I care is. Excuse she's in a relationship with my younger brother.

OP posts:
Sparklypant · 21/08/2022 03:33

PawsAndReflection · 21/08/2022 02:34

And just to be clear, the reason I care is. Excuse she's in a relationship with my younger brother.

Wtf, so you are going to be judge and jury and decide if she’s good enough? If her previous relationship actions are to your standard. It’s sod all to do with you

stnoa · 21/08/2022 03:41

I'd be a bit more worried by the fact that she tells the wife after all this time. Why is she still so caught up on him.

If she didn't tell the wife at the time, and she has since moved on and his so happy in a new relationship then why now?

DaisyJoy1 · 21/08/2022 03:48

It's not really for you to decide whether you believe her or not. It's really none of your business and there's no way you could know for certain anyway. You either respect her or you don't. If you do, believe her and stay quiet. If you don't, just leave her alone? You don't get to interfere or judge her or make her feel bad for what was probably a really painful time in her life.

I very well believe that a man could and would lie to a woman and claim to no longer be married. Have you never read Mumsnet? It literally happens all the time.

Her dating your brother means absolutely nothing. Do you think she needs to explain her existance to you because of this? Or she needs to 'earn' her relationship?

Even if she DID date a married man, what does this even mean? What are you scared she will do to your brother - date him when he's married? Like her willingness to date a married man doesn't really say anything about how she will act in a relationship, does it? It doesn't make sense that you'd be concerned.

I'd seriously let this go or risk damaging your relationship with her AND your brother.

DaisyJoy1 · 21/08/2022 03:48

FWIW, I think she very much did the right thing by telling the wife, who deserves to know. It was brave of her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2022 04:10

So this new wonderful man is your brother? I think he’s a grown up and allowed to forge his own path. As for telling the other man’s wife, good on her. She obviously objected to his being married as they split up. I take it you were around when it happened. Why would you do believe her motives? Seems relatively straightforward to me.

Cas112 · 21/08/2022 04:23

I think you need to stop taking it so personal in regards to saying this has affected your friendship and I think you should be there for your friend 🙄 I personally think she has done the right thing. The guy wouldn't back off and she has been honest. As long as she has not done this to be vindictive but you will never truly know that.

Let her move on in her own way now and either be a friend and support her or leave her alone and don't be a fake friend who is judgy and posting on public forums about her

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 21/08/2022 05:10

OP, I agree it’s hard to believe she didn’t know this man was married. She left him for her own benefit, because he was becoming controlling. And I understand your concern given that she is now with your brother.

But I think she was right to tell the wife. So many women are blindsided when their husband leaves them for another woman, and then discover he’s been cheating for years. It’s painful to find out the truth, but better than being strung along till he’s made all his preparations for dumping her.

Your friend may be working off a bit of guilt about the affair. It sounds as if she wants to clear things up and put right what she can. I don’t think it was just vindictiveness towards the MM, as she now has a new relationship. So, if you stayed friends during her four-year affair, I wouldn’t be put off her now.

I don’t really understand why PPs are so annoyed by this.

MrsTimRiggins · 21/08/2022 05:14

It’s not really your concern, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. Your brothers a big boy and can make his own decisions, and it clearly doesn’t phase him.

JustKittenAround · 21/08/2022 05:18

This is a convo you need have with your friend. Real friends talk to each other.

You are taking this so personal. It’s really weird.

Monty27 · 21/08/2022 05:20

Blimey OP you're sitting in the judgement seat. I hope you're as chaste as much as you are being pious.
Talk to your brother about it and see what he has to say about your opinions.

PoseyFlump · 21/08/2022 05:30

If this situation was flipped round and it was a man having an affair with a married woman now dating your sister I think the replies on here would be totally different. I can understand why you're concerned OP because maybe your friend knew all along about the marriage and only ever does what she wants and puts herself first always. Which is worrying if she's in a relationship with someone you care about.

I guess you have to accept she's not who you thought she was and be there for your DB if it all goes to shit.

mathanxiety · 21/08/2022 05:42

It is perfectly possible that she had no clue. Some men are excellent liars.

I applaud her for telling the wife. Somebody should have done this a long time ago.

blisstwins · 21/08/2022 05:58

I am with you, OP. I would not like her dating my brother. She was right to tell the wife—wife deserved agency in her own life. But your friend is likely telling for vengeance, not actual concern. Just really
messy and even dating a separated guy for that long? I don’t buy it either. But other posters are right that there is not much you can do.

PoseyFlump · 21/08/2022 06:10

The friend knew all along and didn't care because she was having a jolly. She only told the wife at a time it suited her. She's only interested in herself. But all you can do is watch it play out and at least you know now she's not a real friend.

ReneBumsWombats · 21/08/2022 06:10

Why are you posting this again a few hours after the first time? Even to the point of waiting a few posts before revealing she's your brother's girlfriend, like you did the first time?

SudocremOnEverything · 21/08/2022 06:33

So your good friend had a relationship with your married brother from 2017 to 2021 and somehow never knew she was the OW. Did you not, for example, tell her he was married in, say, 2017?

I mean… it’s not going to work as a book plot. Is it?

djdkdkddkek · 21/08/2022 06:36

So she thought his wife knew and it transpired she didn’t
so why are you mad at her?

djdkdkddkek · 21/08/2022 06:39

Oh it’s ok when she’s your mate but you’ve decided she isn’t pure enough for your wonderful brother?
ha ha

Rinatinabina · 21/08/2022 06:47

Some men lie extremely well and are extremely manipulative , oh we are separated but living together because of the kids/she won’t sign the papers/can’t sell the house etc etcwomen will give men the benefit of the doubt even when it’s obvious to everyone else because they want to believe it to be true and that they aren’t being messed around and there is a future etc. once it was confirmed for her she put a stop to it. He even had his friends lie for him.

It’s actually believable, if your friend is generally a decent nice person I would give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. I totally understand why you would be wary given she’s dating your brother but if she was 100% fine with being OW and was fully aware she was then there would have been no need for this bloke or his mates to lie. The worst thing she did is be manipulated by an arsehole by the sounds of it, as have a lot of women.

VacayingInTheHamptons · 21/08/2022 06:51

I wouldn’t believe she didn’t know he was married. Presumably she didn’t meet his family in all the years they were together but she had no idea? He must have been unavailable a lot with a wife and children but she didn’t suspect? Bollocks. I wouldn’t be friend with someone like that, they don’t care who they hurt.

Married man is of course a complete cunt. Hopefully his wife will get rid of him. What your brother does is up to him, but I wouldn’t want to see this woman.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 21/08/2022 06:53

Even if she knew and had engaged in multiple affairs you have no rights to interfere in your brothers relationships so why does it matter if she knew or not?

Many people have affairs knowing and they spend the whole time convincing themselves it's something more. It doesn't make them horrid people to their core. Their actions at the time may have been despicable but without knowing the route cause of the affair or anything else you don't really have a right to judge. I think people make affairs very black and white in order to understand them but humans are more complicated then that. It doesn't make it right but I think it's harsh to judge a friend based on what you have written here. It doesn't sound like her actions are cruel. It sounds like she is telling the wife as she's harassed by his controlling husband. I say this as someone who has never had an affair but has been the betrayed partner

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